The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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Archives for October 2013

The Clash of the Titans: Get Beckman!

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University of Illinois

On Saturday, the University of Illinois football team (mascot uncertain — see below) brings a record of 3-4 overall and 0-3 in the Big Ten to Beaver Stadium to face the mighty Nittany Lions of Penn State (4-3, 1-2 B1G). Both teams are coming off humiliating losses last week, with PSU having lost to Ohio State 63-14 and Illinois having gone down on Moo U. 42-3. And thus, this is — the Clash of the Titans!

In sportswriter parlance, both teams would be “looking to bounce back” from their tragic losses, but what the hell else would they be looking for? Failure? Alas, only one team will bounce back while the other will drop like a watermelon and go splat.

Debacular Performances

Here are the stats from last week, comparing both losers’ performances:

Illinois Penn State
Defense
Opponent yards passing 208 278
Opponent yards rushing 269 408
Opponent total yards 477 686
Opponent first downs 29 32
Opponent time of possession 39:06 33:21
Offense
Yards Passing 103 237
Yards Rushing 25 120
Total Yards 128 357
Turnovers 2 3
Time of Possession 20:54 26:39
First downs 8 20

 

So much for debacleball. Both teams better put last week behind them.

This ‘n’ That (that sounds gay)

Much of the Illinois offense revolves around the passing of Illinois’ senior quarterback, Nathan Scheelhaase. [Wait! That reads like Scheelhaase died. Aw, hell. I’ll leave it go the way it is. —TNT] Forgetting about the shitty Moo U. game, let’s take a look at the 56-32 loss to Wisconsin for a clue as to what Scheelhaase can do to ya. His line in that game was 20-27 for 249 yards, no TDs and no INTs. No great shakes, but he’s an accurate passer, who is presently in fourth place among passers in the B1G and 26th in the BCS. Against the Penn State secondary — or absence of same — this is reason for some concern.

Of course, Scheelhaase has had his share of off-field distraction during the past week, as his old man was barred from the Illinois campus after being involved in a fight in the stands during the Moo U. loss. I guess there’s no injunction against his attending the game at Beaver Stadium, so wear your boxing gloves if you’ll be there.

Penn State is going to get lots of yards on the ground against Illinois’ 93rd ranked rush defense. The thing to look for is not a thing, it’s a person. Will Zach Zwinak reappear after his umpteenth fumble followed by a prime-time chewing out and end-of-bench forced exile at the behest of Bill O’Brien? It seems clear that Bill Belton is now the O’Brien anointed feature back. So, will Zwinak accept a lesser role? If he does, will he hang onto the ball?

The passing game will depend on a couple of things, the most significant being Christian Hackenberg’s shoulder both literally and figuratively. Will he recover from being ground into the turf at the behest of the Buckeye Brutes? Will he be the spiritual leader of the team and carry it on his wounded shoulders? He has the leading receiver in the B1G to throw the damn ball to, and if he can improve his reads, his accuracy, and his pocket awareness, between Allen “Gimme da Damn Ball”  Robinson and his plethora of other weapons, Penn State should be able to do well through the air against a defense that has a guy with a V-apostrophe in the secondary.

(Do I sound like Phil Grosz here? “If Penn State makes the changes I tell them to make and Jupiter flies up my ass, then there is a great chance that the Nittany Lions will still finish 8-4 this year.” Or not.)

Special teams can, and often will, killya, as it were.

Illinois has a dangerous return game, while Penn State’s special teams are not anything to write home about. This gives me an opportunity to make fun of a name, so I’ll tell you that Illinispeedster V’Angelo Bentley is a sophomore with a future. He ranks 4th nationally in kickoff returns, averaging 30.8 yards. Penn State ranks #104 nationally in kickoff return defense, allowing an average of 24.30 yards per return. Something’s gotta give here. The V’Angeroo does punt returns, too and averages 15.8 there. This would rank him #7 nationally if he had enough returns to qualify for the minimum. (See, no one has to punt against Illinois, I guess.) Injuryspeakwise, V’Ange is listed as probable, with a “foot”. In his native Italy — wait! no, he ain’t Italian — that would be un piede.

Penn State is 37th in punt return defense. Meanwhile, return specialist Jesse Della Valle of Penn State ranks 19th returning punts. Problems with the kicking game and coverage have been apparent. Alex Butterworth doesn’t even rank in the top 94 punters. This will hurt PSU.

Other Suckage Factors

You all know where PSU sucks, so let me rub some of it in here. Turnover margin: Penn State ranks #108, with a -8. Don’t feel too bad, though. Illinois is right behind them, with a -5. The good news is the PSU has improved to #110 (from #122) in third down conversion percentage, now batting a solid (?) .311.

Noon Start

We’re back to the weedy backwaters of noon startages. I advised the gang that the food selection at The Cave this week would be replete with Wheaties, Cheerios, scrambled eggs, and coffee. Noon starts suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! Fortunately, this is a home game, so there’s some chance of winning, but we’ll get a crappy broadcasting team, maybe including that broad who assumed Pam Ward’s position as token babe football announcer at ESPN. (But at least we’re getting ESPN, not ESPN2, ESPN3, ESPNU, etc., so maybe we’ll get a real announcer.)

It should be an interesting time in The Cave, inasmuch as one of us, in the personage of Artificially Sweetened, is a graduate of the University of Illinois. Although she claims complete loyalty to Penn State, I saw her get pissed off at a Roethlisberger interception last Sunday, and she’s dangerous when she gets crossed like Big Ben did. Hackenberg better sure as hell avoid that wrath or we might have a counter-spy in our midst.

Heap Big Chief Illiniwek — The Original Illinus

Chief Illiniwek
Chief Illiniwek

Our famous alumnus feature this week examines the most famous honorary alumnus of a prince of a man, a non-football redskin, an injun chief, a guy who inhabited Illinois long before Abe Lincoln read all those damn books by the fire in his log cabin, the one, the only Chief Illiniwek!

Back in 2007, Chief Illiniwek danced his last official, University sponsored war dance at an Illinois basketball game. Embroiled in controversy over the purported offensive nature of his Fighting Illinihood, university officials capitulated to pressures from weenies who had nothing better to do with their time than do a little symbolic social engineering of their own. In the wake of the heap big chief’s dismantling — a move that also saw sports teams change from “Fighting Illini” to simply “Illini” — an organization called the Honor the Chief Society emerged with the ostensible purpose of clinging to the past tradition of war dances, peace pipes, and scalpings, or whatever.

Now, that group has been challenged legally and a settlement has been reached. The University is particularly interested in getting away from the cowboys & Indians phase of its existence, so it has put the clamps on Honor the Chief. They still have their own instance of the heap big chief and he still dances.

The society will not be allowed to do the following: use the term “Chief Illiniwek,” use the Chief logo, refer to people as Chief Illiniwek or refer to people as the next Chief Illiniwek. The society must also refrain from filling out additional trademark applications regarding Chief Illiniwek.

The Daily Illini editorialized in today’s issue:

So what now?

In the culture we live in, the issue of the Chief as a mascot won’t just disappear after a settlement. This resolved a legal issue but didn’t necessarily address the culture of the Chief that still exists on campus.

We don’t expect the University to change its stance after the latest development or in the near future, either.

Merely, the agreement perpetuates the issue whether portraying certain native dances are considered as tributes or offensive. University officials could have continued the fight and even extended its reach — tried to gain control over all activity over the Chief. But that would have left out the most important success from the discussion: a mutual agreement.

On the other hand, after five years, it didn’t seem like the Honor the Chief Society was going to step off the gas pedal and back down to the University’s demands.

A settlement of this nature was the right solution. Sure, the University and the Honor the Chief Society lost something here, but each has secured some rights, too.

Does anyone outside of the Illini community care?

Da Weather

Looks like the weather shouldn’t be much of a factor. A cold front will be passing through during the day, but the game should be played in reasonably sane conditions with a high around 56°F (515.67°R — for those of you who are devotees of the Rankine temperature scale). There might be a shower or two, courtesy of Kohler.

And now…

The Official Turkey Poop Prediction is finally upon us. After last week, I had to look to see where I stand. I cringed and found I was 5-2 straight up, 4-3 against the spread, and 5-2 on the over/under. Not bad, considering what we all think we’ve been through this year. I really screwed up last week, giving Penn State credit for some semblance of a defense. Maybe all the lobbying by Sanguinarians K. John and Phil Grosz have gotten through and clouded my brain. This week, I dunno. I sense a Nittany Lions team that dearly wants to forget last week and would dearly love to kick Tim Beckman’s ass. I hope they have a giant poster of Beckman hanging in the locker room.

Before the season started, I wrote the following about the Illinois game:

Illinois. Hahahahhahahhahahahha. LOLOLOL. LMAO. :D:D:D:D:D This is as close to a Division II opponent as PSU will face this year. LOL. The schmucks tried to raid our team when the NCAA declared it a free-for-all. Karma, baby! Karma! :P:P:P

That’s still the way I feel about this game. But I will show respect for Nate and V’Angelo. I promise.

The current gambling line is PSU minus 11 and an over/under of 56. (Sound familiar? That was the over/under for the OSU game, too. I screwed up, going with the under on that one.) This suggests a Penn State win with a final score of approximately 33-22 or thereabouts.  Revenge will be so sweet. PSU 37, Illinois 20. Take the over.

(The Turkey will be back after the game to deliver his controversial recap and whatever else he feels like spouting.)

Give Me Just a Little More Time

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I’m not lobbying for more time to write the preview for the Illinois-Penn State game. That ain’t it. I was just reminded that this is the weekend to “fall forward” — that is, to change the clocks to reflect the end of Daylight Savings Time for the winter. Falling forward is more than just a catchy reminder phrase at my house.

The time change is a historical source of strife around here, particularly because it really doesn’t have to be. The whole concept is antiquated and ridiculous.

In recognition of one of the most traumatic “spring forward” episodes of all time, I felt it would be a good idea to repost my multiple-WTF rated experience in Spring of 2007. It was a simpler time, a pre-Obamacare time, a time of roses and bluebirds and nothing to do but cling to an angel who looked like you. But Congress was obliged to fuck it up.

Without further ado, please harken back to my distant words from March 23, 2007:

Let the government handle something and it really gets screwed up! This past weekend, we went on Daylight Savings Time (Summer Time to you English blokes), because Congress, in its infinitely self-perceived wisdom, so decried. It is normally bad enough when the time change occurs on schedule, so it follows that when an act of Congress moves it up by a month, complete chaos will ensue. Accordingly, I spent Sunday completely screwed up.

“Daylight saving just brings a smile to everybody’s faces.”—Rep. Ed Markey, D-Mass., on March 8.

Oh, yeah? Our duly elected representatives just drop bombs like this without considering any impact beyond the end of their noses, or at least past the November ballot box. The last time these dweebs changed the timing, computers did not completely dominate our lives. Superdweeb Jimmy Carter had imposed his “moral equivalent of war” sanctions on energy usage, part of his plan being a temporary measure that gave us Daylight Savings Time for the whole year. As of 1987, the Democrat Congress decided to make a three-week advance in Daylight Savings Time permanent. At least that’s how I remember it. This, of course, put us out of sync with the rest of the civilized world, but what else is new?Now, via the Energy Policy Act of 2005, Congress is back again dicking with the unknown, but this time computers are a lot smarter and they are not just the tools of dreaded cor-por-a-tions—they pervade just about all aspects of private citizens’ lives. Computerized clocks exist in everything from our cameras to our appliances—and, of course, our indispensible computers, cell phones, and PDAs. And alas, they were all programmed before the enactment and implementation of this latest legislation to screw around with our time!

So, yesterday, after manually setting about 800 clocks—my wristwatch, my irrigation system, my stove, my microwave, my two cars, my coffee maker, my three programmable thermostats, my two digital cameras, my postage meter, my fax machine, and, of course, my traditional , analog clocks, I next looked at my cell phone. It had the wrong time. Hey, I thought that cell phone networks automatically supplied the time. So, I turned the damn thing off and back on again, and magically, the correct time appeared. Then, I began to tackle the chore of ensuring that my four computers were all in sync.

Without boring you with details of my network—I’m a geek with a couple of back-end servers and some other crap, which I say is necessary for business in order to rationalize my geekological recreation—I’ll say that the Macintoshes functioned flawlessly, but the Windows systems were so screwed up that by 1 PM I had no idea what the hell time it was. My Windows 2000 Server is the time standard for my network, and it synchronizes with an Internet time standard. It must have waited for a while to change its time. Meanwhile, my XP laptop, which gets its time from the server, was an hour off. So, I changed it. At some time later, the server must have changed it back, or forward, or sideways—I don’t know what! While all this was going on, I was applying a Microsoft fix to Outlook, to change all the times for my appointments to conform to the new time scheme. They’re stored internally in Universal Time (the politically correct, sanitized euphemism for what was formerly known as Greenwich Mean Time, lest we give the lily-white Brits too much credit for something used by the Third World, too), to which a bias is applied to the user’s time zone. I viewed the results. Now, people’s birthdays were starting at 11 PM the night before their real birthday and ending at 11 PM on the proper night. So, I changed them back manually. At some later point, presumably when I wasn’t looking, the time on the laptop changed again, which required that I change all those appointments and birthdays manually—again!

At around 1:15 PM, or what I thought was 1:15, I got an e-mail from a friend. The e-mail was time-stamped 12:15. So, I responded, patiently explaining to my friend that the clocks had changed last night and didn’t she get around to changing hers? After all, my computer said it was 1:15, and computers don’t lie—well, mine don’t—even though hers was caught prevaricating in flagrante delicto. Or, so I thought.

The response came back about a half-hour later. “Did you set clocks twice? I have 12:50 pm at my house.”

I looked at the computer. It said 1:51. I looked at my wristwatch. It said 12:51.

So, I changed the computer.

Bad idea.

All the appointment times in Outlook were once again screwed up. So, I ran the Microsoft time zone change utility again and it changed them. Well, yeah—this time it changed all the appointments going forward. I looked at the calendar and decided that I had to change them back.

I came back in a couple of hours. The time on the laptop had changed yet again!

And so it went, for another hour or so until everything was in sync. On my to-do list today is calling the doctor to find out whether my April 16 appointment is at 10 AM, 11 AM, 12 PM, or 1 PM—because it’s been every damn one of those times at one time or another in the past 24 hours according to my Outlook calendar! Perhaps I should cancel the appointment with the internist and make one with a psychiatrist instead. Come take me away to a place where there are no clocks and no computers!

What the hell time is it, anyway???????

Our paternalistic government wants to tell us when to go to sleep and when to wake up. This ongoing battle with our circadian rhythms, under the guise of saving energy, is just another aspect of government intrusion into our private lives. And it might not save any damn energy, according to some studies. FromWikipedia:

“Critics argue that the energy savings of DST are overstated, and that DST can sometimes increase energy consumption and peak demand. Also, the rise ofair conditioning calls older energy models into question. In 2000 when parts of Australia began DST in late winter, overall electricity consumption did not decrease, but the morning peak load increased.[9] Currently there is no clear evidence that electricity will be saved by the 2007 U.S. rule change.[10].”

That same friend who e-mailed me yesterday with the correct time told me today that she has kept a kid home from school today. The kid had stayed up too late last night due to the time change and couldn’t get up this morning.

Congress cannot legislate our body clocks. I got up at 7:30 this morning. Normally, I get up at 6:30. My ass doesn’t know the difference between standard time and daylight time.

Mark Twain said:

“The mania for giving the Government power to meddle with the private affairs of cities or citizens is likely to cause endless trouble, through the rivalry of schools and creeds that are anxious to obtain official recognition, and there is great danger that our people will lose our independence of thought and action which is the cause of much of our greatness, and sink into the helplessness of the Frenchman or German who expects his government to feed him when hungry, clothe him when naked, to prescribe when his child may be born and when he may die, and, in time, to regulate every act of humanity from the cradle to the tomb, including the manner in which he may seek future admission to paradise.”

I’ll end this rant with one more tidbit from that Wikipedia article:

“Golf courses, convenience stores, and other businesses benefit from extra afternoon sunlight. For example, in the mid-1980s Clorox (parent ofKingsford Charcoal) and 7-Eleven provided the primary funding for the Daylight Saving Time Coalition that successfully lobbied to extend U.S. DST, and both Idaho senators voted to extend DST on the basis of fast-food restaurants selling more French fries made from Idaho potatoes.[11]”

DST can adversely affect farmers and others whose hours are set by the sun. For example, grain harvesting is best done after dew evaporates, so when field hands arrive and leave earlier in summer their labor is less valuable.

Clock shifts disrupt sleep patterns, and correlate with decreased economic efficiency. Researchers estimated in 2000 that the daylight-saving effect implies a one-day loss of $31 billion on the NYSE, AMEX, and NASDAQ alone.[12]

Maybe we should send the bill to our congressional geniuses, who continue to find ways to spend our money and invade our lives while achieving no net positive effect upon the general welfare.

What time is it? Time for a change.

Potheads Unite!

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On the marijuana front, two recent high-profile football oriented cases literally beg for the legalization of cannabis trafficking.

First, we have our old Nittany Lion whipping boy, running back Austin Scott, now 28, who while he was a player was accused of rape and kicked off the team, although charges were later dropped. He picked up the girl at a dance club and took her home and banged her, apparently, as it ultimately turned out, with absence of malice. The incident inspired what I believe to be one of the canniest on-line comments ever, as a reader quipped, “Austin always did like to dance around before hitting the hole.”

Well, that was then and this is now. Austin has traded his ball skills (no pun intended) for a career in merchandising. Alas, his dubious customer base created a minor impediment, as certain insincere customers did not fully appreciate the nature of the merchandise they purchased. Selling ganja to undercover police officers is a bad marketing move if you want to grow your business. Scott is now free on $10,000 bail.

That brings us to another argument for legalization of medical marijuana: Carl Pelini. Carl is the older brother of Bo Pelini, who is the beleaguered and probably short-time coach of the Nebraska Cornhuskers. Carl coaches Florida Atlantic University, a football program of somewhat lesser stature. Pelini has led the C-USA Owls to a 2-6 record this year, going nowhere with yet another program built by the legendary Howard Schnellenberger. Now, with four games to go, Pelini is bailing out.

Apparently, Pelini attended a party where some weed was passed around. Unfortunately, he was unaware of the seditious whistle blowers that would ultimately give him a whistle blowjob right out the door by ratting on him to FAU AD Pat Chun. Chun would not reveal the blowers. Nonetheless, with discretion being the better part of valor, Pelini resigned today.

Now, Bo knows an easy way out at Nebraska. He should go to a pot party and let the recreational drug do the honors. Better than being fired for being a lousy coach or for profanity-laden tirades.

I’ll be back later with a preview and prognostication for the much anticipated (not) Illinois game.