Archives for 2019

Penn State 27, Piscataway Junior High 6

One team had only their pride to play for; the other thought they could mail it in. And so, it went as I had expected: slow, sloppy, and less than entertaining, with the ultimate outcome never in doubt. Journey Brown managed to score three touchdowns to beat the invading Scarlet Knights, but the Nittany Lions, who were soundly stat-slapped, fell way short of covering a 40-point spread.

If Mike McQueary bet on this game, I hope he took the points. If he was on Penn State, it would have taken more than a misguided “explosive” pass play in garbage time to pull it out.

What the hell is it with this “explosive” bullshit? From time to time, some asshole will come up with a vogue word in the wonderful world of sports jargon, and all the trite-ass vocalizers feel obliged to glom onto it. James Franklin is a frequent offender. After the game, he commented, “We weren’t as explosive as we needed to be and probably gave up too many explosive plays.” Translation: “We slept through the first half, our offense sucked big time, and our defense failed to show up until sometime in the third quarter.”

Was the offensive line bad, or what?

For a while, I thought the Nittany Lions would implode rather than explode. It was embarrassing, sitting there with extended family in Chicago, with everyone expecting an explosive rout but getting a limp dick performance.

Yeah, yeah, I know. Sean Clifford wasn’t in there and Justin Shorter entered the ridiculous transfer portal. But WTF? It was Senior Day. A win is a win, but don’t embarrass my explosive ass, ok?

Bowl Lunacy

Now, let’s talk about the frigging Rose Bowl. So Wisconsin beat Minnesota. Now all the explosive pundits and the Sanguinarians are expecting a Rose Bowl bid for the Staties. Let me tell you something. After playing a junior high team the way they did, and given the way their performances been trending, a bowl game against the likes of Oregon isn’t something I’m anxious to watch. The speculation is premature, anyway, until we see whether Wisconsin can beat tOSU, who ain’t invincible. Stranger things have happened.

So, I dunno. After watching tOSU kick the crap out of Michigan, our game was a letdown. By the second half, everybody had left the living room to eat pizza, leaving me alone there feeling obligated to watch my team to the bitter end.

It will be interesting to see how the CFP yoyos rank the survivors of the weekend. LSU and Clemson “made a statement” (another stupid sports cliche), as did tOSU. Georgia took care of business. Alabama lost to Auburn, as happens pretty frequently, spoiling their chances while Nick Saban whined. Utah will probably be percussively sublimated to #5. The next five don’t matter, but I would expect Oklahoma, Baylor, Wisconsin, Florida, and Penn State, and Alabama to be in the mix. Let me make a statement: Maybe PSU deserves to drop from #10 after today’s half-assed effort and to make room for Alabama, who would beat the Lions to a pulp if they met.

So, what did you think of Penn State’s final game of the season?

I’ll be back when our bowl opponent is known, unless there is something explosive to bitch about.

Rutgers (2-9, 0-8) vs. Penn State (9-2, 6-2)

As I sit here in Chicago with my butt frozen to the chair, hoping to thaw in time for Thanksgiving dinner, I am impelled to write something about the forthcoming pseudo-rivalry pseudo-game, in which ESPN’s Matchup Predictor gives Rutgers a 0.6% chance of winning. That’s as lopsided as I’ve ever seen that meaningless graph!

Does it matter whether Sean Clifford plays? No.

Does it matter whether the weather is fair or foul? No.

Does it matter whether Penn State plays a sloppy game? No.

That’s the point. If the brains of the team are on this same wavelength, they’ll probably put out a half-assed effort against the dregs of the Big Ten, who I have dubbed the Scarlet Knights of Piscataway Junior High. As a bone-us, they play at Asia Carrera Memorial Stadium, and as I’ve mentioned before, Scarlet Knights is a play on words referring to nearby Trenton’s famous red light district. Yeah, I made that all up. Just killing time here.

Clearly, I have nothing to say, so I’ll cut to the chase. Oops, forgot the weather! Can’t forget the weather in late November! Hell, I almost blew it!

Da Wedda

Doesn’t matter.

Da Bottom Line

This will be the final Official Turkey Poop Prediction of the regular season. (Otherwise, I’ll be looking forward to pulling a Texas A&M vs. PSU Outback Bowl prediction out of my ass). Current line is PSU – 40 with an o/u of 50. Is that weird or what? That works out to PSU 45, Rutgers 5.

So, here’s what I think. Take the points! How often can you get 40 points? It’s Senior Day, so Franklin will no doubt empty the bench for this one and give everybody a chance to play before the expected crowd of 15,000 at Beaver Stadium (which will be announced as 97,543). There will probably be a few good fights as weary PJH players express their frustration. It’s liable to be one of the most forgettable games of your viewing career. Penn State 38, Rutgers 10.

I might be back after the game with a recap, for what it’s worth. Depends on whether my butt stays frozen to the chair. Happy Thanksgiving All!

#2 Ohio State 28, #8 Penn State 17

I didn’t think it would be a close game. In the end, it wasn’t, but I think the Nittany Lions redeemed themselves, even in losing. When the sports media collectively opine that this was Ohio State’s “first test of the year”, your boys had a high bar to vault.

Sinking Expectations but Then…

When tOSU established a 14-point lead in the first half, which Buckeyes head coach Ryan Day said “should have been 35-0”, and then extended it to 21-0 early in the third quarter, I felt my cynical, adjusted pre-game prediction of 66-3 would come to pass. Penn State would go gently into the detritus pile of those who Ohio State has faced and summarily discarded in 2019. Overcoming the adversity of the injury loss of our starting quarterback, a couple of key defensive plays and one decent drive proved me wrong. At one point early in the fourth quarter, winning the game was in reach for the Nittany Lions with Ohio State leading 21-17, but a costly mistake by backup quarterback Will Levis let the Buckeyes put the game away.

Although the PSU secondary showed some of its characteristic flaws, the defense rose to the challenge. The running of J.K Dobbins (157 yards, 2 TDs) and Justin Fields (68 yards), plus a passing game that was there when they needed it, propelled the Buckeyes to victory. They had 229 yards rushing and 188 yards passing while Penn State was only able to muster 99 yards rushing and 128 yards passing. Ohio State uncharacteristically coughed up the ball three times, a credit to a clawing, tenacious Penn State defense. Micah Parsons channeled his idol LeVar Arrington to play a big part in forcing turnovers. Two of the fumbles resulted in Penn State scores. The Nittany Lions took care of the ball for most of the game, but it was the lone interception of a Will Levis pass that closed the lid on their chances.

OSU Defense Ruled

The stats say the game should have been a blowout. TOSU had the advantage in IITOP, 34:15 to 25:45, with one decent Penn State drive against the staunch Buckeyes defense all day, a 9-play, 75-yard drive capped by a Will Levis TD run in the third quarter. tOSU had 27 first downs to Penn State’s 15. The mighty Ohio State defense was up to the task. Sackmeister Chase Young had three sacks and four tackles for loss, while the rest of the defense contributed to produce a total of five sacks and nine TFLs.

Not many of us expected that the Lions would be able to keep up with the Buckeyes. I was pleasantly surprised with the outcome and with their grit in the second half. There will be some whining regarding the noon start, officiating, etc., but that is loser talk and you won’t hear it from me. I have increasing respect for these guys, who hung in there when the chips were down — way down.

You’ll also hear whining about PSU dropping to #12 in the AP poll, while Michigan ascended to #10.

With the Senior Day Rutgers game ahead — a sure win if ever there was one — the Lions are looking to wind up with a 7-2 conference record, fueling some Rose Bowl “what if” speculation. I suppose it is possible, but barely. I’m think the most likely bowl destination for Penn State is Tampa.

This Turkey will now depart for Big Ten country for Thanksgiving, as Artificially Sweetened’s nativity is Chicago. With fall turkey season in progress in Florida, they won’t find me up there. If I have a moment or two, I might write something about the technically required Rutgers game, or I might not. In any event, I wish you all a Very Happy Thanksgiving!