Archives for November 2021

Thank God for Small Victories

Alas and alack, the kicking game fucked us, as the Penn State Nittany Lions closed out their season against the Michigan State Spartans with a big, 30-27 loss in snowy East Lansing. The snow bowl loss assures Penn State fans that with a 7-5 record, the only thing that will bolster their bowl position would be the money Penn State fans spend in bowl venues.

Meanwhile, the Big Ten is completely nonploonesed, with Michigan beating tOSU and Minnesota knocking off Wisconsin. That means Michigan will face Iowa in Indy next week for the Big Ten Championship, and God knows whether a Big Ten team will go to the CFP, especially if Iowa wins. I have no idea who will be going to the Rose Bowl, either.

What I do know is that Penn State, with their 7-5 record, will be going to the Toilet Bowl. Whether it be Detroit or Nashville, it will be a lightly attended, mid-December matchup of mediocre teams, like PSU and MIssouri. Such fun, already.

Moo U. leaves the Snow Bowl with a 10-2 record and the abominable Land Grant Trophy (thank God). At 8-1 in the conference, they are in sole possession third place in the Big Ten East behind Michigan and Ohio State. Penn State winds up 7-5 and 4-5, which is good for fourth place in the Big Ten East and not much else.

Wonderful Game, Already

The game wasn’t fun to watch, so I won’t comment much, except to say that the kicking was atrocious. The losing margin was three points; four points were lost on a missed field goal and a missed extra point. That should be enough to tell you that Franklin’s experiment playing Jordan Stout for ALL kicking chores was a bust. Finally, he put Jake Pinegar in there for the final extra point.

Helluva statement, in view of the recent contract extension for Franklin. Is THIS what we can expect from our multi-million dollar head coach? If so, stay tuned for lots of middle-of-the-pack finishes in future years.

WTF are we going to do about that offensive line, anyway?

(I’m not quite done for the year yet. After all, we’ll have some kind of bowl matchup with another middle-of-the-pack team. So, I’ll be back.)

Put a Blanket on This Season

The Abominable Land Grant Trophy is at stake on Saturday, as the mighty Penn State Nittany Lions travel to East Lansing to take on the pissed off, decimated Moo U. Spartans. Lake effect snow is forecast, so there will be that.

Unranked Penn State (7-4, 4-4 B10) is somehow favored to defeat #12 Moo U. (9-2, 6-2). Go figure! Perhaps this has something to do with Moo U’s complete lack of a defense. They score a lot of points because they need to, but this glaring weakness was at the fore in their 56-7 dismantling at the behest of the Schmuckeyes.

This could be the game where we see some essence of a Penn State running game, as Moo U. allows 185 rushing yards per game. Or we could see lots of explosive plays. Should be fun to watch, but based on my yo-yo predictions this season, I’m more often full of shit than not. This could just as easily be a 6-0 game played under a blanket of snow by two demotivated teams.

What’s at Stake Here, Already?

So, just watch it for entertainment, because nothing is at stake besides the Land Grant Trophy, which no one wants, and the Quick Lane Bowl in nearby Detroit, which no one wants. I am in Chicago at the moment, having survived Thanksgiving, so I will cut to the chase.

But First, the Elephant Has Left the Room

James Franklin scored a new, 10-year $7.5 million per year contract extension, ending speculation that he would bolt for greener pastures. Penn State has provided all the green James needs, and then some. Congratulations to Franklin and his agent for snagging this Rolls-Royce contract even as Frankin’s weaknesses are increasingly apparent.

Da Wedda

Shitty, with a high of 36, typical gray cloud cover, and a high probability of snow with accumulations of up to an inch. Fun shit to play in. You can make snow angels in the end zone when you score.

Da Bottom Line

So, this is it for the regular season. Toilet Bowl eligibility is assured; only the early December winter wonderland venue remains to be decided. That’s Penn State’s motivation. As for Moo U., they’re all thinking about “what might have been” while they were pretenders all along. Meanwhile, the Land Grant Trophy hangs in the balance, so these two valiant armies will battle for who gets to house the ugly piece of shit for another year. Exciting, eh?

Corrent odds have Penn State favored by 1.5 with an over/under of 52, which suggests a final score of 27-25 in favor of the Nittany Lions. Given the wet snow and the potential for droppage, bumblage, and fumblage, plus apathy and ennui, coupled with who-da-hell-wants-that-trophy-itis, I’ll just venture an out of the ass turdshot of a prediction. Penn State 25 Moo U. 13. Take the under.

Rutgers Couldn’t Chop

The mighty, Toilet Bowl-bound Penn State Nittany Lions (7-4, 4-4 Big Ten) shut out the Rutgers “Who is Scarlet” Scarlet Knights (5-6, 2-6) 28-0 on Saturday. Those who turned off the game after the first period puntfest missed all the action, including a long glimpse at a promising young backup quarterback.

Veilleux Proves Worthy

After Sean Clifford went down with an injury, freshman Christian Veilleux, who had been practicing all week as the prime backup, entered the game and impressed the chilled minions in St. Joe Memorial Stadium at Beaver Field. This was a fine seventy-fifth birthday present for your intrepid Turkey, who will invoke the declaration of the late Pittsburgh Pirates announcer Bob Prince: We had ’em all the way!

Many Nittany Lions were hobbled by the flu teamdemic, including Sean Clifford. When we say we could beat Rutgers with our hands tied behind our backs, this is mute proof. Clifford looked horrible before leaving the game with a crappy line of 2-8 for 23 yards along with a couple of scary near interceptions. Upon Clifford’s exit, after initial jitters, Veilleux settled down to produce a 15-24 performance, for 235 yards and three touchdowns.

Parker Washington was the leading receiver with six snags for seventy-two yards and a touchdown. Jahan Dotson was well corralled by the Rutgers defense, which was about the only chopping they were able to bring off, but he was still able to produce three receptions for fifty-two yards and a TD. Budding star freshman Malick Meiga thrilled us with a wide-open sixty-seven-yard TD reception.

Whither the Running Game?

The running game, as usual, sucked, although it was able to produce 149 yards from a collection of runners including Veilleux and seventh-string backup Mason Stahl. The leading rusher was stalwart Keyvone Lee, with 41 yards on thirteen carries and a touchdown.

First Half Boredom

The first half was a punters’ showcase, as nobody wanted to move the ball until Penn State was gifted with its first score in the second quarter. In what should have been a stopped drive with 3:47 left in the half, the dumbass Rutgers defender gave Noah Cain an extra shove out of bounds after he had stopped Cain with a three-yard loss on second and one at the Rutgers 46. PSU had been shitty on third-down conversions, so it was a fair bet that they wouldn’t gain the needed four yard and would have to punt. However, the highly personal foul resulted in a first down at the 34 yard-line, from which the Nittany Lions finally hit paydirt with 1:03 left in the opening demigame.

The flu-addled players were anxious to enjoy the steamy warmth of the halftime locker room. Many fans had already fallen asleep. I was playing solitaire on my smart phone. The score abruptly woke me up, making the rest of the game uncharacteristically amusing.

Around the Big Ten, Already!

Ohio State cleaned Moo U’s clock thoroughly, giving them a 56-7 ass reaming, as we had expected. Meanwhile, Michigan delivered a similar timepiece lavage and colonoscopy to Maryland, 59-18, thus setting up the big game next weekend where Ohio State takes on Michigan in the Big House and ends Jim Harbaugh’s coaching career at Big Blue.

Wisconsin edged Nebraska 35-28 to keep a firm hold on a piece of the West lead , while Iowa handled Illinois 33-23 to share that western division top spot. Purdue knocked off hapless Northwestern in a game played at Wrigley Field, 32-14. Minnesota euthanized poor Indiana, the only winless team in Big Ten combat, 35-14.

Barring something completely unforeseen, Ohio State will play Wisconsin in Indianapolis in the Big Ten Championship. The Buckeyes will, of course, win, setting them up to lose in the CFP. That’s my prediction and I’m sticking to it. Wisconsin should handle Minnesota next weekend, although there will be plenty of boat rowing. Iowa should knock off Nebraska, leaving them in a flat-footed tie with the Badgers for the B10 West. However, Wisconsin holds the tie-breaker with its 27-7 win over the Hawkeyes.

That Toilet Bowl Awaits!

Meanwhile, Penn State is in a prime position to score a highly desirable bowl bid. I would suspect that they’ll lose in E. Lansing next weekend, stuffed by Thanksgiving turkey (OMG OMG) and the flu, ending the regular season with a 7-5 record, which will put them squarely in competition with the middle ranks of the Big Ten for appropriate slots in the vast range of early December Toilet Bowls. I’m thinking their competitors will be Minnesota, Purdue, and Maryland. What a fine state of affairs this is! Nashville, Las Vegas, Detroit, or New York, here we come! (Start spreadin’ the news. I’m leavin’ today…. I wanna be a part of it…. aw, shaddup! Fuggedaboudit!),

Happy Thanksgiving to All

Despite it being a holiday that inspires carnivores to commit mass murders of innocent birds of my feather, this Turkey wishes you all an incredibly Happy Thanksgiving!

(I might be back next week from Chicago to preview the Moo U. game if family activities allow me the time).