The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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Archives for October 2023

And Now, We Know

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Ohio State 20, Penn State 12

Now we know for sure what we have conjectured all season: the Nittany Lions are not ready for prime time. They are not SSMNC material. They are not Big Ten East Championship material. They are, as they have been in much of the Franklin Era, third best in the East.

Had the offense developed at all, it could have been different, but our quarterback cannot make throws, our offensive line cannot block, and our receivers are at best, mediocre. Honestly, we knew all that going into the Ohio State game, but we somehow believed that the offense would magically coalesce into something competent. Those were all pipe dreams, and the truth hurts if you take your lie detector test in a state of denial.

While the play calling was questionable at times, the offensive execution was unquestionably putrid. Allar was sacked four times and was continually hurried. The traffic cones were not up to the pass protection task. The pocket either collapsed or Allar did not know how to step up into it. When he ran for his life, he missed throws. I’ll certainly give credit to the Ohio State defense, but both sides were complicit in Penn State’s horrendous 6.25% third down conversion rate.

No Excuses

Idiots will blame officiating, the Franklin Mystique, Yurcich, the noon start, and other bullshit. Sorry, but most of this loss is on the players. This collection of Kittens is not going to beat anyone important. Sanguinarians have been hanging their hats on wins over some damn poor teams — UDel and UMass, ferchrissakes — and they can’t see the forest for the trees. I don’t think Penn State has improved at all since the West Virginia game. How much they could have improved is limited by the available talent. You cannot squeeze blood out of a turnip, but the offense would have nevertheless benefitted by some stiffer tests earlier in the season. At least we could have known how badly they sucked back then and saved ourselves a few weeks of ridiculously inflated expectations.

On the other hand, the Penn State defense is the real deal. Their secondary might be a little weak, but they had taken on a mighty big task attempting to contain Marvin Harrison, Jr. (which they didn’t). That was their major failure, and we all knew it would happen, too. We knew they could shut down the Buckeyes’ running game and they did, allowing only 79 yards. However, we learned something good about their fortitude when they denied OSU on fourth-and-goal from the two in the third quarter. Too bad they don’t play these games using only the defense. Yes, I wax facetious, but boy, that offense just sucks big time.

What do you think of your team’s execution?

This was the Nittany Lions’ big chance to stay on top by beating an eminently beatable Ohio State squad and they blew it. The offense blew it. They showed up, but just barely. Once again, I’ll drag out one of my favorite John McKay post-game press conference quotes after yet another Tampa Bay Buccaneers loss. A reporter asked Coach McKay what he though of his team’s execution. He responded, “Watching them play like that, I’m in favor of it!” That was forty-five years ago and still quite relevant today.

While I am sad that the team did not perform up to its overinflated ranking, which we hope will now be adjusted back to reality, I am also somewhat relieved that the suspense as to when their denouement would eventually occur is now over. We can now look realistically toward the future and not worry about making playoff plans that will never materialize. The Sanguinarians are all crying about what might have been, but they know in their hearts of hearts that it was never going to be.

What Next?

Looking forward, I see no hope of beating Michigan unless Signalgate does the Wolverines in. They dispatched beleaguered Moo U. 49-0 tonight. If the Penn State coaching staff cannot supply the requisite psychological counseling that will enable the Nittany Lions to transcend this emotionally devastating loss, other future losses against others aside from Michigan will not surprise me. Next week, Indiana seems like a win despite the PSU offense sucking, but then they face Maryland and Michigan back to back, followed by Rutgers and Moo U. They’ll finish at best 10-2 and at worst 8-4.

I’ll close by refuting a Joe Paterno maxim: “You’re never as good as you think you are when you win, and you’re never as bad as you think you are when you lose.” Oh yeah?

This week’s ridiculous bullshit aside, I, your relentless and ever opinionated Turkey, will stick with them to the end, even if that is the Toilet Bowl in Kohler, Wisconsin.

This Must Be the One

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Penn State (6-0) vs. Ohio State (6-0)

The first real game of the season for Penn State (or “Game of the Year”, as the media hype labels it) is nigh. The 6-0 Nittany Lions travel to Columbus to meet the Schmuckeyes (6-0) in what this Turkey considers the winnable one of two must wins this year. But will they emerge victorious or will the Schmuckeyes emerge schmucktorious? That, my friends, is the resounding question.

Do not despair; the opinionated Turkey is here. The bullshit below will not determine who wins or loses, but how they play the game.

About “Our” Opponent

(I like how it’s always “we”, although we are not the ones out there playing the game).

First, it should be noted that Ohio State is “banged up.” No, this does not refer to the hookers Urban Meyer hired several years ago to “comfort” recruits. Urban is long gone, and so are the hookers. Instead, we refer to three injured offensive players, receiver Emeka Egbuka and running backs TreVeyon Henderson and Miyan Williams. Head coach Ryan Day described them all as “hopeful”.

Stars on Parade

However, despite the injuries, the Schmuckeyes had no trouble beating Purdue last week 41-7 in West Lafayette, where it snows sometimes. (But did we visit the Purdue campus? No.). They have All-Everything receiver Marvin Harrison, Jr., whose NFL Hall of Fame bloodlines are obvious; Junior is headed for a career eclipsing that of Senior, methinks. He’ll be the only test of the PSU secondary this year, and of the Manny Diaz pressure defense. See Marvin get behind the man defense. See him run. Run run run! Oh, but they’ll flatten Kyle McCord with the eight-man rush while Marvin is scoring. Harrison ranks 21st in receiving yards with 604 and 5 touchdowns. Last year, Egbuka had over one thousand yards and ten touchdowns. We better hope Egbuka stays injured or they’ll need to double team both him and Harrison. Oy Vey!

Quarterback Kyle McCord was originally recruited by Penn State, and he’s in the same boat as Drew Allar, only with an offensive line in front of him. He’s got a completion rate of 64% and has thrown for 1,651 yards with 11 touchdowns and only one interception.

IS PSU up to the Defensive Task?

I do believe that Penn State can shut down Ohio State’s running game, even if Henderson and Williams show up semi-healthy. Bear in mind that much of tOSU’s success this year is attributable to passing, which accounts for 70% of their total offense this year. Amazingly, Ohio State total rushing offense ranks 92nd in the FBS, just behind the Ohio Bobcats with an average of 135 yards per game. They use the run to pound the opponents at the goal line, as evidenced by their 12 rushing touchdowns versus 13 passing. In passing offense, they rank 15th.

However, against the pass, the untested Nittany Lions secondary will need to be present, healthy, and committed. It is going to be a long day for them.

Howz bout tOSU defense?

Defensively, the Bucks rank 7th overall, allowing only 263.5 yards per game. However, they are 22nd in rushing defense and 4th in passing yards allowed. They’re tied for first in defensive TDs, with one fumble return and two interceptions for touchdowns. The Schmuckeyes are fourteenth in red zone defense, denying their opponents 32% of the time. Senior linebacker Tommy Eichenberg is their mainstay, with 46 tackles,

Butbutbut, who have they played?

Leading off the 2023 season with a 23-3 win over Indiana, the Buckeyes steamrolled over a couple of non-conference cupcakes before their battle with Notre Dame, which they won with a last-second touchdown, the highlight of their season to date. Then, a 37-17 win over Maryland followed by last week’s 41-7 win at Purdue brings us to the present. That win over Notre Dame showed this Turkey some early season character. They didn’t give up. Down 14-10 with four minutes left, they forced a three-and-out, then with only a minute-and-a-half left, they drove 65 yards for the winning touchdown.

The Nittany Lions still haven’t played anyone, so this game will reveal any flaws that haven’t yet become apparent on offense, defense, and special teams. Watching the offensive line being pushed around by the lightweights on the UMass defense was not encouraging. Neither is the absence of a reliable running game. Those Sanguinarians who count West Virginia and Iowa as superior opponents might need to adjust their expectations of similar success with the Buckeyes. Call ’em schmucks, but they’re deep and well coached, even if they don’t look as strong this year as they have in recent years. While it is true that Penn State has not allowed any more than 15 points in any game this year, I would think twice about assuming that they can hold tOSU to that few.

A “Must” Win

This is a must win for Penn State, to stay in the thick of things. It is winnable, in the estimation of this humble Turkey; Michigan, three weeks down the road, is not. Mind you, I’m not conceding the Wolverines’ game, just being realistic. This year, one of those two Big Ten East rivals is a pretender, and one is not. We’re playing the pretender this week. Must win. Must.

A Word about Rankings

Bullshit.

Yes, that is the perfect compound word to describe what I feel about FBS rankings prior to Week Eight. I could have said “meaningless”, but that would be technically incorrect. They mean something to the guy sitting next to you at the bar, and to the television promotion people. But they shouldn’t mean shit because they’re pulled out of sportswriters’ and coaches’ asses. And this time of year, they’re always wrong AF.

(I hate that AF shit, but I pulled it out here).

And now, da wedda…

Hey, I know it is early, but it’s fall in Columbus, so the typical forecast applies. Dreary and breezy with an occasional shower. Hell, the Lions have played in much worse — like last week!

da Bottom Line

This Official Nittany Turkey Poop Prognostication, the weekly utterance by this foul old fowl, is brought to you by the fine folks at Preparation-H. “When the Nittany Turkey is being a pain in the ass, bend over and smear some on! Don’t delay, try it today!”

Well, here we are. We know a little more than we did back at the season’s outset, but not much. Alas, slowstartosis remains a nagging chronic condition for the Nittany Lions, and they’re facing a team with a winning mentality and a shitload of talent. Accordingly, it would behoove the Boys to get going quickly. As I have stated throughout this diatribe, they need this win. They need it dearly.

The gaming houses favor tOSU by 4, with an over/under of 46.5. That works out to a Schmuckeye win to the tune of 25-21.

If Egbuka and Henderson both play, PSU is by all means screwed. If they’re not, there’s a glimmer of hope. Ryan Day was equivocal in his presser, using the word “hopeful”, so who knows? The Turkey knows. Sounds to me like Penn State has a chance to make the big statement here. The vaunted defense will need to be big, as the sportscasters say. They must contain Marvin Harrison and the offense must take care of the ball. A running game wouldn’t hurt, and the first defense to score probably wins the game. So hang onto the ball like it was your mother’s life and play conservatively, but not too conservatively.

This game is in the Horseshoe, where there’ll be 100,000 hyped-up Schmuckeye loyalists making mucho noise, disrupting shit, and in general, being obnoxious because Ryan Day has been exhorting them all week to do so. I think it will all be too much to handle, coupled with slow starts as well as James Franklin’s putrid record against scarlet, gray, maize, blue, and other assorted rainbow components. Ohio State 17, Penn State 13. Franklin keeps his record against Ohio State and Michigan heading south. I think we’re looking at a conservative-ass pitcher’s duel here, so watch it turn into a freewheeling blowout. Nevertheless, take the under.

I’ll be back after the game to eat some crow, I hope. Go Lions!

Best Homecoming Money Can Buy

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Penn State 63, UMass 0

Penn State spent a million and a half to buy themselves a guaranteed homecoming win, so it was no surprise that the purchase worked out well. Choosing a team that was 1-11 last year and on pace for a similar finish this season was a good bet, and the 63-0 final score made Pat Kraft and Company look smart. Wouldn’t want to have a competitive opponent to possibly spoil homecoming and the Nittany Lions playoff hopes, just in case they can manage to beat Ohio State or Michigan and not lose to Indiana or Maryland. Yeah, that’s the damn point.

And now the braggadocio…

It was a rout.

You want more?

It was a rout, already. Not unexpected. Why bother with meaningless stats. Just go to a Penn State bar and the guy sitting next to you will be spouting them off. So, I won’t bother. They mean squat.

You want highlights? They’re meaningless, too. What does it matter who does what against such a seriously deficient opponent. It would be like bragging about your Kentucky Derby winner beating a $3,500 claimer, whose next stop is the glue factory, in a match race walkover. They’d never schedule it in horse racing, and they shouldn’t do it in college football, either. I don’t care to watch recaps of foregone conclusions (with all due respect to Forego, the great thoroughbred gelding of the 1970s).

And, you know?

The first quarter was shaky offensively — yet again. The offensive line was not effective. Both Ohio State and MIchigan will be noon starts. Will the offense be asleep for the first quarter in those games? Will the offensive line show up awake and alive? Better wake up soon, buccos!

Oh, there will be fanboys who excuse the performance by saying that they were merely looking beyond this walkover to next week’s game at the Horseshoe. Used to be that good teams wanted to do their damage early and make the opponent chase them. (I guess some recent results have favored the chaser, most recently Stanford coming from 29 down to beat Neon Deion).

But I digress…

A win is a win and we went 1-0 this week and all that jazz. So celebrate while you can. The stakes increase next week as your 6-0 Nittany Lions face their toughest test thus far. More correctly stated, their only test thus far, and one of the only two they’ll have during the regular season.

I was thinking…

PSU needs pass receivers. So, while they’re spreading money around, why not make a deal with Ohio State for Marvin Harrison, Jr. Would $12 million and a future 4-star recruit get Harrison to consider the transfer portal? Just in case you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m cynical about the descent of college football during my lifetime from a pristine extracurricular pastime for academics to the pecuniary pit of an NFL Lite. I probably won’t live long enough to see the FBS major conference consolidations result in two organizations resembling the AFC and NFC, but I firmly believe that’s the ultimate progression. (Unless, of course, the coming financial collapse results in values being put back into proper perspective. Right now, people who rent housing they cannot afford and are upside-down on auto loans will happily pay hundreds for college football tickets and thousands for the pros. That shit needs to change, but it will only happen if the fucking federal government curtails its complicity).

Watchin’ TV

I did spend much of Saturday glued to the tube watching football. What pissed me off was that I couldn’t watch Ohio State at Purdue because it was on fucking PEACOCK, and I don’t subscribe to fucking PEACOCK. I watched Indiana stay competitive with Michigan for about ten minutes in their noon start, and I caught the end of the non-bellicose Illiniwek upset of the Turtles. The best one was Washington pulling out a win in an exciting, see-saw battle with their canardian rivals.

Now, I’m watching hockey. Go Pens! They’re down one with Calgary through two.

I would love to see USC beat Notre Dame tonight. A three-loss Notre Dame — think about this — will be difficult for even biased sportswriters to include in the Top 25. Alas, they’re up 17-3 in the game Knute Rockne first scheduled a shitload of years ago when they had to take the train from South Bend to LA. I know that because I saw the movie with Pat O’Brien.

Speaking of polls, they…

…are fucking meaningless this time of year, as I keep repeating like the curmudgeonly old fart who I am. They just don’t matter until week eight, except to brag to the guy sitting next to you at the bar and to TV networks, like NBC and its fucking PEACOCK streaming service that holds football for ransom. I guess highly ranked teams playing each other generate greater commercial revenue, so they need to rank everything for hype purposes to promote each week’s “Game of the Century”.

I got a flu shot, so…

…I’m going to veg out for a day or so, because as one of my former doctors once said, “It is better to be sick for three days than for three weeks.” Now, I have all my immunizations up to date. I’m clearly not a crackpot antivaxxer and I ain’t voting for Trump or Biden. Maybe I’ll vote for RFK, Jr. who running on the Antivax Party ticket with Jenny McCarthy as his running-mate, serving as my protest of the two leading candidates, who are both completely unsuitable to serve as President. I might be delirious from the flu shot.

Well, I’m tired of writing and I must concentrate on beating the Flames. Third period coming up.

I’ll be back with my overview and snarky bullshit in anticipation of Saturday’s Game of the Century with Ohio State.