Archives for November 2023

Penn State 42, Michigan State 0

My, what a horrible beat-down for Moo U, as Penn State put the big hurt on the Spartans, holding them to negative rushing yardage and 53 total yards. The Nittany Lions rang up 586 total yards in a balanced passing and running attack. Even though I’m sick and tired of hearing the term “explosive plays”, Penn State had a lot of them, over the land, on the sea, and in the air. The oft-abused, hackneyed phrase “total domination” certainly applies here.

And so, the 2023 regular season ends with a bang. We were happy to see both Kaytron Allen and Nick Singleton pounding the turf for triple digits. Allen had 137, while Singleton had 118 and a touchdown. Drew Allar exhibited patience and competence in the passing game, going 17-26 for 292 yards and two touchdowns. Beau Pribula was 2-2 for 11 yards and one touchdown; he also had one rushing touchdown.

Of course, this was not tOSU or Michigan. Nevertheless, watching the PSU defense do its thing was highly entertaining. As friend Toejam kidded, “This is no fun. We can’t bitch about Franklin.”

Now, the Lions get fifteen practices before the bowl game. Speculation abounds, but all will become clear a week from Sunday. A New Years Six game is likely, and plenty of decent opponents will fall out of the playoff picture between now and the conference championships. Will Iowa beat tOSU? Not likely. As Penn State proved, you need an offense to beat the Schmuckeyes. However, for tOSU to play in Indianapolis, they must beat Michigan tomorrow, and I’m not predicting that. I’m mum on that game. I’ll watch it and enjoy the fray.

So, thanks for hanging in for another season. After ending the season on a high note, I am no longer dreading the bowl game.

I’ll be back when we know who Penn State will be playing and where they’ll be. Anyone’s crystal ball clearer than mine?

Detroit Showdown for Land Grant Trophy

Enjoy your Black Friday shopping, then settle in for your last regular season dose of Penn State football on Friday night. The undeservedly #12 Nittany Lions (9-2, 6-2) will travel to Motown to face the absolutely putrid Moo U. Spartans (4-7, 2-6) at Ford Field in Detroit at 7:30 PM on the day after Thanksgiving. That is the day this Turkey emerges from his Thanksgiving protection bunker.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the disparagements hurled at certain opponents around here, we refer to Michigan State University only as Moo U. I got that one from an MSU alumna, who complained that UM grads denigrate the lesser state university as a farmer’s school. Well, Penn State and Moo U. have much in common. They are both Land Grant universities, and both do have a college of agriculture. My dorm at Penn State was built on a former university-owned cow pasture. While I matriculated, those students who lived in the Nittany Halls could wake up to rooster calls eminating from the nearby chicken coops. Nothing but the finest Rhode Island Reds there! After all, we did get our start as Farmer’s High School! Now, academic sprawl claimed much of the farmland that once dominated both campuses, but at least we still have the Meat Museum.

Yes, we are linked in many ways to Moo U, both good and not so good. Back in my time at Penn State, the Spartans used to kick our Nittany Lions’ asses all over the football field. Now, we return the favor. Karma is brutal. We had our Jerry Sandusky scandal; they had their Larry Nasser scandal. Perverts abound in our modern world, and both universities can claim a prominent one as their very own. So, I guess familiarity breeds contempt. Moo U. it is, and Moo U. it always shall be.

High Stakes, Indeed!

As you know, this game is for very high stakes, and the winner gets the booby prize — the ugly, monstrous, unlovable, abominable Land Grant Trophy. The two agricultural powerhouses will not be seeing each other again until 2025, so keeping the trophy is particularly vital at this time. That way, the All-Sports Museum custodians will lose use of some closet space for another couple of years. You don’t want that thing in public view, as it will scare small children.

You’ll all be so tired from Black Friday shopping and so full of Thanksgiving leftovers, including my murdered Meleagris cousins, that you will fall asleep after the first quarter of this weird game. So, I’m not going to be writing much for you not to read. I’m not trying to be Hokie.

Franklin Distracted

James Franklin, at his weekly press conference, was more interested in questioning the media people on whether they preferred a) green beans or collard greens, b) dinner rolls or cornbread, and c) Thanksgiving dinner or leftovers. I will follow his lead and talk about irrelevant crap, because no one is paying attention, anyway. James seemed disappointed with the turnout for his presser, saying that the students are off this week for Thanksgiving and he gets that. What’s there to get? Did he think the Daily Collegian people would stick around to listen to Franklin’s blather instead of going home to see their families?

Oh, you know, I just thought of something. Franklin at one point was posturing to get some honey cornbread from one of the reporters’ wives. He said he couldn’t evaluate just a slice. He needed the whole pan of cornbread. Now, isn’t that soliciting bribes? If I was operating on Franklin’s salary, I wouldn’t be eating frickin’ cornbread. I’d be eating the finest, flaky croissants from flaky-ass France, made with the rarest bear grease from constipated polar bears (only US$249 per dozen).

Another Side Note

We want to wish our friend Todd of The Lion’s Den well, as by his own sorrowful admission, he might have attended his last Penn State home game as a longtime season ticket holder. Several years ago, another friend, Toejam, also gave up his season seats. I feel bad for both of them. Football games at Beaver Stadium were a big fall feature in their lives for decades, the absence of which will leave a big hole. But on the bright side, neither of them will miss the traffic. Todd has been suffering from the debilitating effects of Long Covid, which we hope will soon be in remission. Special Thanksgiving wishes from this non-edible turkey to both Todd and T-Jam (Joe).

Da Wedda

Inconsequential, because Ford Field has a roof, already! Stop it! (But outside the stadium, they’ll be freezing their asses in Detroit).

Da Bottom Line

Yeah, here we are. We have one last game to predict, and this will be just as bad as the rest of my predictions this year. Around here, we call it the Official Turkey Poop Prognostication because it is indeed the awful offal offered by this foulest fowl of foul fowldom. Please pardon the alliteration — from that sentence you could get fablunget, already! The incontrovertible fact, however, is that in short, my predictions suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

Current gambling odds favor the Nittany Kitties by three touchdowns and set the over/under at 42.5. This combination seems ridiculous to me, predicting a score of something like 33-10. I expect the Penn State offense to be what it was last week — a shit show. PSU ain’t going to score 33 at that rate, especially if they visit some of the Highland Park establishments I patronized during my brief Detroit consulting job back in 1979. (I give you all the irrelevant facts here). Well, what about Moo U.? Can they even score on the mighty, vaunted PSU defense? Between tOSU and Michigan, Moo U. scored all of three points. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. Penn State 27, Moo U. 3. Take the under.

This low-lying Turkey wishes you all a very happy Thanksgiving, even as you dine on my martyred brethren. I’ll be emerging for Black Friday Evening in Detroit, after which I’ll recap the latest offensive annoyances with some more annoyances of my own!

Allar Leaves with Injury in 3rd

Not that it would have helped to keep him in the game, but Drew Allar got up woozy after a third quarter run and left after the next play. He did not return to the game, which Penn State incidentally won 27-6. Beau Pribula took over, playing out the game. The offense blew big time, but they won anyway.

Why the hell can’t Penn State throw just once on first down? Why do they always run on third downs? Why must they be so predictable? Are James Franklin and Company so timid about the pass because they fear failure? Yeah, yeah, I know. He won’t apologize for winning. I expect to hear some version of that again this week. But this is not competitive football at the highest level.

Maryland was competitive against Michigan this week. Why the hell could Penn State, with its vaunted defense, not compete? The answer is obvious and it transcends whoever the hell it is that holds the Offensive Coordinator job.

Repetition of the Same Failed Play

The old Einsteinian definition of insanity. Repeating the same failed thing over an over. Yeah, that’s the Penn State offense. They make it necessary for the defense to win games.

Inside the Red Zone, trying the same screwed up T-formation QB run up the middle is so unimaginative, I think a 12 year-old could have called better offense. Send Kaytron Allen up the gut on a well executed fake and let Pribula bootleg to the outside? Leak a tight end out and make an easy throw? I know, simplistic. But this damn offense is too fucking predictable. Everybody in Beaver Stadium including the Rutgers Defense KNEW that they would come out and run that same damn play on Fourth Down!

Let’s Try the Run

So, they ran the ball somewhat successfully this game. The problem with going from a failed passing offense to a running offense, involving your quarterback in it, is what evidenced itself today. Drew Allar, playing pseudo-halfback, smashes into the defense and gets hurt. That scenario is more than a risk. It is almost a certainty.

They wouldn’t let Pribula throw until he finally completed one pass to Tyler Warren, which was more like a toss. No doubt, the Rutgers brain trust were well aware of the predictable timidity.

Nick Singleton had a good game running, but they didn’t bring him in until the second quarter. On Penn State’s last touchdown drive, he was effective, driving down to the goal line. He had scored only one touchdown all season, and the crowd was rooting for him. So what happened on the touchdown play? Beau Pribula fumbled the handoff and ran it in himself. So, Kaytron Allen had two touchdowns and Singleton none.

And In Summation…

All in all, they were lucky to get out of there with a win. Not a wonderful performance on Senior Day. I know I sound jaded, but this reminds me of the Rutgers game two years ago when I was bragging about Penn State in front of my Chicago in-laws, prior to watching yet another embarrassing offensive performance. Yet I would take the Sean Clifford offense, in which the coaching staff had confidence in its quarterback and had some decent receivers, over this group which puts the pressure on the defense to win games.

I sure hope they aren’t similarly disappointing on Friday in the season’s finale against Moo U!

(I’ll be back mid-week to deal you some more offensive sarcasm in advance of the [cue stentorian tones] BATTLE FOR THE ABOMINABLE LAND GRANT TROPHY!)