Detroit Showdown for Land Grant Trophy
Enjoy your Black Friday shopping, then settle in for your last regular season dose of Penn State football on Friday night. The undeservedly #12 Nittany Lions (9-2, 6-2) will travel to Motown to face the absolutely putrid Moo U. Spartans (4-7, 2-6) at Ford Field in Detroit at 7:30 PM on the day after Thanksgiving. That is the day this Turkey emerges from his Thanksgiving protection bunker.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with the disparagements hurled at certain opponents around here, we refer to Michigan State University only as Moo U. I got that one from an MSU alumna, who complained that UM grads denigrate the lesser state university as a farmer’s school. Well, Penn State and Moo U. have much in common. They are both Land Grant universities, and both do have a college of agriculture. My dorm at Penn State was built on a former university-owned cow pasture. While I matriculated, those students who lived in the Nittany Halls could wake up to rooster calls eminating from the nearby chicken coops. Nothing but the finest Rhode Island Reds there! After all, we did get our start as Farmer’s High School! Now, academic sprawl claimed much of the farmland that once dominated both campuses, but at least we still have the Meat Museum.
Yes, we are linked in many ways to Moo U, both good and not so good. Back in my time at Penn State, the Spartans used to kick our Nittany Lions’ asses all over the football field. Now, we return the favor. Karma is brutal. We had our Jerry Sandusky scandal; they had their Larry Nasser scandal. Perverts abound in our modern world, and both universities can claim a prominent one as their very own. So, I guess familiarity breeds contempt. Moo U. it is, and Moo U. it always shall be.
High Stakes, Indeed!
As you know, this game is for very high stakes, and the winner gets the booby prize — the ugly, monstrous, unlovable, abominable Land Grant Trophy. The two agricultural powerhouses will not be seeing each other again until 2025, so keeping the trophy is particularly vital at this time. That way, the All-Sports Museum custodians will lose use of some closet space for another couple of years. You don’t want that thing in public view, as it will scare small children.
You’ll all be so tired from Black Friday shopping and so full of Thanksgiving leftovers, including my murdered Meleagris cousins, that you will fall asleep after the first quarter of this weird game. So, I’m not going to be writing much for you not to read. I’m not trying to be Hokie.
James Franklin, at his weekly press conference, was more interested in questioning the media people on whether they preferred a) green beans or collard greens, b) dinner rolls or cornbread, and c) Thanksgiving dinner or leftovers. I will follow his lead and talk about irrelevant crap, because no one is paying attention, anyway. James seemed disappointed with the turnout for his presser, saying that the students are off this week for Thanksgiving and he gets that. What’s there to get? Did he think the Daily Collegian people would stick around to listen to Franklin’s blather instead of going home to see their families?
Oh, you know, I just thought of something. Franklin at one point was posturing to get some honey cornbread from one of the reporters’ wives. He said he couldn’t evaluate just a slice. He needed the whole pan of cornbread. Now, isn’t that soliciting bribes? If I was operating on Franklin’s salary, I wouldn’t be eating frickin’ cornbread. I’d be eating the finest, flaky croissants from flaky-ass France, made with the rarest bear grease from constipated polar bears (only US$249 per dozen).
Another Side Note
We want to wish our friend Todd of The Lion’s Den well, as by his own sorrowful admission, he might have attended his last Penn State home game as a longtime season ticket holder. Several years ago, another friend, Toejam, also gave up his season seats. I feel bad for both of them. Football games at Beaver Stadium were a big fall feature in their lives for decades, the absence of which will leave a big hole. But on the bright side, neither of them will miss the traffic. Todd has been suffering from the debilitating effects of Long Covid, which we hope will soon be in remission. Special Thanksgiving wishes from this non-edible turkey to both Todd and T-Jam (Joe).
Inconsequential, because Ford Field has a roof, already! Stop it! (But outside the stadium, they’ll be freezing their asses in Detroit).
Da Bottom Line
Yeah, here we are. We have one last game to predict, and this will be just as bad as the rest of my predictions this year. Around here, we call it the Official Turkey Poop Prognostication because it is indeed the awful offal offered by this foulest fowl of foul fowldom. Please pardon the alliteration — from that sentence you could get fablunget, already! The incontrovertible fact, however, is that in short, my predictions suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!
Current gambling odds favor the Nittany Kitties by three touchdowns and set the over/under at 42.5. This combination seems ridiculous to me, predicting a score of something like 33-10. I expect the Penn State offense to be what it was last week — a shit show. PSU ain’t going to score 33 at that rate, especially if they visit some of the Highland Park establishments I patronized during my brief Detroit consulting job back in 1979. (I give you all the irrelevant facts here). Well, what about Moo U.? Can they even score on the mighty, vaunted PSU defense? Between tOSU and Michigan, Moo U. scored all of three points. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. Penn State 27, Moo U. 3. Take the under.
This low-lying Turkey wishes you all a very happy Thanksgiving, even as you dine on my martyred brethren. I’ll be emerging for Black Friday Evening in Detroit, after which I’ll recap the latest offensive annoyances with some more annoyances of my own!