Archives for 2023

…and ‘kin hell to the whiners!

The interminable ESPN four-hour bowl selection extravaganza is over, ending our specious speculation over moot machinations. The only controversy would have been controversial no matter which controversial exclusion occurred. I will not analyze, approve of, or condemn the choices for the four available playoff slots here. There will be enough of that among sports wonks, pseudo-sports wonks, and practitioners of dime store journalism, replete with poor grammar and malapropisms. No, I’m here to congratulate the winners and tell the whiners to shut their pie hole. The whole thing is meaningless, unless you can personally take a cut of the profits. It is all about money, and who puts on the show is irrelevant.

Poor Babies!

Poor, poor Florida State! They agreed to the CFP concept, so they must accept the fruits of what they sowed, no matter how rotten those pomes and drupes might be. So, FSU, shaddup! You weren’t robbed! You would have celebrated if you had been included, so let those who were more favorably regarded enjoy their moment in the sun without you spoilsports raining on their parade. In fact, your bitching and moaning abets the cause of those who are raking in the cash. Are you going to pull out and spill your seed on the ground? Methinks not. Maybe next year, ‘Noles!

Make Hay While the $un $hines

Rick Scott, Republican Senator from Florida, who is running for re-election in 2024, expressed outrage over the $eminoles’ shunning. After all, he knows what side his ballot is buttered on, and he knows that the real Seminoles never lost either of two wars with the United States of America, which is irreverent and irrelevant. I suspect that the whining, further legitimized by Scott’s bullshit, will develop a social media life of its own, with various self-perceived experts and self-anointed voices of the people expressing similar outrage. Jump on that bandwagon. Re-elect Rick Scott!

Who’s In?

Congratulations to Michigan, Washington, Texas, and Alabama, the four teams chosen by the CFP committee to play for the Still Somewhat Mythical National Championship ($$MNC). We consider it mythical around here because adding a couple of games still doesn’t definitively determine a national championship. Next year, the playoff field will be expanded, and it still won’t be definitive. Not even close. The true national champion is the almighty dollar which, although evaporating in absolute value, remains the reason for all this playoff window dressing. Driven by the human penchants for affiliation and alienation, the money gods know that they can extract money from us in so many ways by staging this annual spectacular and phony championship.

Peachy!

Anyhow, that brings us to the bowl game our Nittany Lions will be competing in. For the first time ever, they’ll be playing in the Peach Bowl, held on December 30 at Mercede$-Ben$ $tadium, in that primo winter vacation destination, Atlanta, Georgia. The opponent will be none other than hotty-totty Ole Miss, which has never played Penn State. The Rebels finished the season ranked #11, with a 10-2 record, their record blemished only by losses to Alabama and Georgia. Sound familiar? Just sayin’, Penn State wound up #10, having lost to the two best teams in their conference, too.

It should be fun to see how the vaunted PSU defense handles all that $EC speed. It should be interesting to see if Penn State shows up with an offense. This turkey thinks there will be lots of good reasons to watch this game. However, if the money bullshit gets in the way, I might change my mind. Which first-stringers will opt out to protect their presumed earning futures? Why the hell do I want to watch our scrubs play their scrubs? I don’t have enough time left on Earth to be wasting it watching meaningless games.

Oh, boy — the tran$fer portal opens tomorrow. No doubt, Penn State’s hiring of incoming Offensive Coordinator Andy Kotelnicki was rushed so he could participate in the organized academic slave auction to pick up some good meat. Maybe Rick $cott will tell F$U who to snare in the meat market, too.

I’ll be back with a look at Ole Miss and some more condemnation of the pecuniary aspects of semi-pro college football.

Penn State 42, Michigan State 0

My, what a horrible beat-down for Moo U, as Penn State put the big hurt on the Spartans, holding them to negative rushing yardage and 53 total yards. The Nittany Lions rang up 586 total yards in a balanced passing and running attack. Even though I’m sick and tired of hearing the term “explosive plays”, Penn State had a lot of them, over the land, on the sea, and in the air. The oft-abused, hackneyed phrase “total domination” certainly applies here.

And so, the 2023 regular season ends with a bang. We were happy to see both Kaytron Allen and Nick Singleton pounding the turf for triple digits. Allen had 137, while Singleton had 118 and a touchdown. Drew Allar exhibited patience and competence in the passing game, going 17-26 for 292 yards and two touchdowns. Beau Pribula was 2-2 for 11 yards and one touchdown; he also had one rushing touchdown.

Of course, this was not tOSU or Michigan. Nevertheless, watching the PSU defense do its thing was highly entertaining. As friend Toejam kidded, “This is no fun. We can’t bitch about Franklin.”

Now, the Lions get fifteen practices before the bowl game. Speculation abounds, but all will become clear a week from Sunday. A New Years Six game is likely, and plenty of decent opponents will fall out of the playoff picture between now and the conference championships. Will Iowa beat tOSU? Not likely. As Penn State proved, you need an offense to beat the Schmuckeyes. However, for tOSU to play in Indianapolis, they must beat Michigan tomorrow, and I’m not predicting that. I’m mum on that game. I’ll watch it and enjoy the fray.

So, thanks for hanging in for another season. After ending the season on a high note, I am no longer dreading the bowl game.

I’ll be back when we know who Penn State will be playing and where they’ll be. Anyone’s crystal ball clearer than mine?

Detroit Showdown for Land Grant Trophy

Enjoy your Black Friday shopping, then settle in for your last regular season dose of Penn State football on Friday night. The undeservedly #12 Nittany Lions (9-2, 6-2) will travel to Motown to face the absolutely putrid Moo U. Spartans (4-7, 2-6) at Ford Field in Detroit at 7:30 PM on the day after Thanksgiving. That is the day this Turkey emerges from his Thanksgiving protection bunker.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the disparagements hurled at certain opponents around here, we refer to Michigan State University only as Moo U. I got that one from an MSU alumna, who complained that UM grads denigrate the lesser state university as a farmer’s school. Well, Penn State and Moo U. have much in common. They are both Land Grant universities, and both do have a college of agriculture. My dorm at Penn State was built on a former university-owned cow pasture. While I matriculated, those students who lived in the Nittany Halls could wake up to rooster calls eminating from the nearby chicken coops. Nothing but the finest Rhode Island Reds there! After all, we did get our start as Farmer’s High School! Now, academic sprawl claimed much of the farmland that once dominated both campuses, but at least we still have the Meat Museum.

Yes, we are linked in many ways to Moo U, both good and not so good. Back in my time at Penn State, the Spartans used to kick our Nittany Lions’ asses all over the football field. Now, we return the favor. Karma is brutal. We had our Jerry Sandusky scandal; they had their Larry Nasser scandal. Perverts abound in our modern world, and both universities can claim a prominent one as their very own. So, I guess familiarity breeds contempt. Moo U. it is, and Moo U. it always shall be.

High Stakes, Indeed!

As you know, this game is for very high stakes, and the winner gets the booby prize — the ugly, monstrous, unlovable, abominable Land Grant Trophy. The two agricultural powerhouses will not be seeing each other again until 2025, so keeping the trophy is particularly vital at this time. That way, the All-Sports Museum custodians will lose use of some closet space for another couple of years. You don’t want that thing in public view, as it will scare small children.

You’ll all be so tired from Black Friday shopping and so full of Thanksgiving leftovers, including my murdered Meleagris cousins, that you will fall asleep after the first quarter of this weird game. So, I’m not going to be writing much for you not to read. I’m not trying to be Hokie.

Franklin Distracted

James Franklin, at his weekly press conference, was more interested in questioning the media people on whether they preferred a) green beans or collard greens, b) dinner rolls or cornbread, and c) Thanksgiving dinner or leftovers. I will follow his lead and talk about irrelevant crap, because no one is paying attention, anyway. James seemed disappointed with the turnout for his presser, saying that the students are off this week for Thanksgiving and he gets that. What’s there to get? Did he think the Daily Collegian people would stick around to listen to Franklin’s blather instead of going home to see their families?

Oh, you know, I just thought of something. Franklin at one point was posturing to get some honey cornbread from one of the reporters’ wives. He said he couldn’t evaluate just a slice. He needed the whole pan of cornbread. Now, isn’t that soliciting bribes? If I was operating on Franklin’s salary, I wouldn’t be eating frickin’ cornbread. I’d be eating the finest, flaky croissants from flaky-ass France, made with the rarest bear grease from constipated polar bears (only US$249 per dozen).

Another Side Note

We want to wish our friend Todd of The Lion’s Den well, as by his own sorrowful admission, he might have attended his last Penn State home game as a longtime season ticket holder. Several years ago, another friend, Toejam, also gave up his season seats. I feel bad for both of them. Football games at Beaver Stadium were a big fall feature in their lives for decades, the absence of which will leave a big hole. But on the bright side, neither of them will miss the traffic. Todd has been suffering from the debilitating effects of Long Covid, which we hope will soon be in remission. Special Thanksgiving wishes from this non-edible turkey to both Todd and T-Jam (Joe).

Da Wedda

Inconsequential, because Ford Field has a roof, already! Stop it! (But outside the stadium, they’ll be freezing their asses in Detroit).

Da Bottom Line

Yeah, here we are. We have one last game to predict, and this will be just as bad as the rest of my predictions this year. Around here, we call it the Official Turkey Poop Prognostication because it is indeed the awful offal offered by this foulest fowl of foul fowldom. Please pardon the alliteration — from that sentence you could get fablunget, already! The incontrovertible fact, however, is that in short, my predictions suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

Current gambling odds favor the Nittany Kitties by three touchdowns and set the over/under at 42.5. This combination seems ridiculous to me, predicting a score of something like 33-10. I expect the Penn State offense to be what it was last week — a shit show. PSU ain’t going to score 33 at that rate, especially if they visit some of the Highland Park establishments I patronized during my brief Detroit consulting job back in 1979. (I give you all the irrelevant facts here). Well, what about Moo U.? Can they even score on the mighty, vaunted PSU defense? Between tOSU and Michigan, Moo U. scored all of three points. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. Penn State 27, Moo U. 3. Take the under.

This low-lying Turkey wishes you all a very happy Thanksgiving, even as you dine on my martyred brethren. I’ll be emerging for Black Friday Evening in Detroit, after which I’ll recap the latest offensive annoyances with some more annoyances of my own!