MI

Penn State 26, Minnesota 25

The title of this post suggests that it is about Michigan, right? MI is the USPS abbreviation for that state. What else could it be? So, I’m stupid and I think “MI” is an abbreviation for Minnesota? Nope. That ain’t it. “MI” stands for myocardial infarction. I stole its use as a chapter title from the late American author and Pennsylvania native from Shillington, John Updike. He employed it as a cannily ambiguous chapter title in “Rabbit at Rest”, which he wrote in 1990. This Pulitzer Prize winner was the final element in his “Rabbit” series, the first of which was published in 1960. But I digress.

Suffice to say that the Heart Attack Kids were at it again this week, letting an underestimated, determined opponent jump out to an early lead. The Minnesota lead persisted into the second half. But as scary as this game was to those whose lives hinge on Penn State reaching the CFP playoffs, it was one of the most entertaining Penn State games this Turkey has watched in sixty years of Nittany Lions fanhood.

Something for Everyone

It truly offered something for everyone, with more byzantine plot twists and turns than a British murder mystery. The Penn State punting and kicking game provided unexpected thrills in the first half. First, a Riley Thompson punt from the end zone was partially blocked, giving Minnesota a short field and enabling them to score on a crazy-ass double-reverse flea-flicker from Max Brosmer to Jameson Geers. Then, Penn State came back with a six-play touchdown drive that should have tied the game at 17-17. But Ryan Barker’s extra-point try was blocked and recovered by Ethan Robinson. He ran it 97 yards untouched for a two-point defensive conversion. That made the score 19-16 in favor of Minnesota going into the locker room at halftime.

By the way, that Nittany Lion touchdown drive had another entertaining aspect. A phantom pass interference call that turned an incompletion into a decent gain and a first down. Many looks at replays revealed that Allar’s pass was well out of bounds and therefore, uncatchable. Also, the interaction between the defender and the intended target, Harrison Wallace III, was negligible. We Penn State fans, knowing that we needed all the help we could get in this close encounter of the shitty kind, accepted the gift from the officiating crew.

Second Half Thrills

The second half would provide more thrills, chills, and spills, but in the end, Penn State snatched victories from the hungry jaws of defeat, showing the strength of character they have displayed in coming from behind in several games this season. That is the attitude and commitment level of champions, and it is what is necessary to progress in the playoffs. Against a very tough and determined Golden Gopher defense, they pulled it out, even effectively managing the clock on the stifling final drive.

Highs and Lows

Good Work, Tyler (as usual)

Minnesota head coach P.J. Fleck told the media, “We did everything we could do to shut down Tyler Warren, but he still got 102 yards.” The Minnesota game plan involved nullifying Warren on offense and Abdul Carter on defense. Drew Allar had a quietly competent day and was instrumental in the victory by converting three fourth downs on the game sealing drive. The Nittany Lions as a team committed no turnovers while forcing Minnesota QB Max Brosmer to turn the ball over twice, once on an interception and once on a fumble.

Innovative Play Calling (when they work, you look like a genius)

The fake punt was great. Boy, was it ever great!

How Low Can You Go?

On the other hand, the Nittany Lions were absolute shit cakes and molasses candy on third down attempts, converting one of eleven. That is 9% for those of you who are mathematically challenged. Absolutely putrid, with all due respect to a staunch and well-prepared Gopher defense. We got to see another talent of Tyler Warren’s when he rescued Penn State from a ridiculously busted fourth down play with an equally ridiculous 16-yard punt. And then, there was the blocked PAT for a defensive two-pointer. According to James Franklin, the blocking at the line of scrimmage deviated from their standard schema to allow the block for unexplained reasons.

Put The Gopher Clamps on Carter

Minnesota was effective at nullifying Abdul Carter, who wound up with only three tackles (one solo) the entire day. However, he was instrumental in preventing a late touchdown that could have won the game for the Boat Rowers. He popped outside to cover a behemoth would-be receiver on a tackle eligible play he sniffed out. The ball sailed harmlessly incomplete, and Minnesota settled for three. This left them a point behind with almost six minutes to go. Fortunately, they never got the ball back.

Always Take PSU’s Opponent and the Points?

Here again, we have an example of Penn State not covering the spread, which was seen at levels as high as 12.5 but settled down to 11 at game time.

Report Card

You know I don’t do stupid “report card” cliche crap. So, I’ll just use this space to bitch about others who use that tired old convention. Produce some new material, schmuckos! LEARN TO WRITE readable prose, so you do not need to use gimmicks, I implore you! Relax, I’m just playing with ya.

Governor’s Victory Bell Trophy

The pretty Governor’s Victory Bell Trophy, awarded to the winner of the Penn State-Minnesota game, which is not played every year, is now in Penn State hands. Unfortunately, so is the abominable Land Grant Trophy, which goes to whoever is unlucky enough to win the Penn State-Michigan State game. We’re stuck with that gigantic piece of George Perles-designed moose shit until the next time Moo U. beats us. Looking at the Spartans this year, that could be the Twelfth of Never. Another digression? Typical. Par for the course here, as you know. So, let’s move along.

So, Now What?

Well, one last game, the Senior Day home game against Maryland (4-7, 1-7 Big Ten), who suck. In that game, Penn State will try to avoid injuries but still come out with a win to secure a spot in the College Football Playoffs. I hereby request that there be no widow makers present and no “dullard looks” in evidence. The scheduled 3:30 PM kickoff should help with that, but only God knows what the weather will be like.

And, oh yeah, with Indiana having been clobbered by tOSU, if the latter should happen to lose to MI next weekend, it will create another MI scenario. Penn State will then play Oregon in the Big Ten Championship in Indianapolis, unless Washington pulls off a huge upset against the Ducks in the Border War. Wouldn’t THAT be cool? Not only one more game for PSU in the playoffs, but also an extra watching opportunity for us fans at the Big Ten Championship. Fun times!

But hold your horses. Gotta beat the Twerps first. Yep, go 1-0 this week. Uh huh.

While laying low as we turkeys must do around this perilous time of year that sees the mindless slaughter and birdicide of many of our hokie brethren, I’ll be back mid-week to deliver my assessment of the mighty Maryland Terrapins.