The Turkey returns for an amazing twenty-second season of unmitigated bullshit and pseudo-analysis. So, are we having fun yet?
The 2025 Penn State Season Approaches (and Somebody Turned on the Cupcake Oven)
Well, here we go again, my loyal flock of six readers. I hope you’re all well and happy. Another Penn State football season swoops down upon us like a turkey vulture on roadkill, and as usual, I’m unprepared, uninformed, and unhinged. But that never stopped me before, so why stop now?
Our friends, the Sanguinarians, are out in full force this year, basing their hopes on all the pre-season media hype. I mean, PSU #2? Between Texas and tOSU? In the words of the non-committal parent, “We’ll see…”
In this opening issue, I’ll meander through a potpourri of relevant, irrelevant, and irreverent topics, including a look at the key points in the schedule, including the cupcake ramp-up. We’ll touch on Drew Allar’s potential legacy, Beaver Stadium renovation, the shitcake transfer portal, and annoying Sanguinarians. While I won’t mention that James Franklin must prove he can win the big one—oh, wait, I just did.
The AP Pre-Season Poll (for what it’s worth)
Texas claims the top spot for the first time in program history, narrowly edging out Penn State in the closest preseason vote since 1998. The Longhorns received 25 first-place votes and 1,552 points, while the Nittany Lions garnered 23 first-place votes and 1,547 points.
Defending national champion Ohio State sits at No. 3, followed by Clemson and Georgia rounding out the top five.
The Southeastern Conference (SEC) leads all conferences with 10 teams in the preseason AP Top 25, including Texas (1), Georgia (5), Alabama (8), LSU (9), South Carolina (13), Florida (15), Oklahoma (18), Texas A&M (19), Ole Miss (21), and Tennessee (24).
The Big Ten follows with six teams: Penn State (2), Ohio State (3), Oregon (7), Illinois (12), Michigan (14), and Indiana (20).
Three Little Pussies, All in a Row
Last year, I bitched about realignment and playoff expansion. This year, I get to bitch about the pussified scrimmage schedule our beloved Lions are spoon-fed to start the season. I mean, how many pushovers does it take to screw in this season’s light bulb? Apparently, three: Nevada, FIU, and Villanova.
- Nevada (Sept 6): A team that last had a pulse when Colin Kaepernick was running the pistol.
- FIU (Sept 13): That’s Florida International, not to be confused with “real football schools” in Florida. Their claim to fame was activating retired Howard Schnellenberger as their first HC.
- Villanova (Sept 20): Yes, the basketball school. They’ll bring a band and maybe Jay Wright in a suit, but I’m not sure the defense will even break a sweat.
The point of this cupcake parade is to fatten up the stat sheets and keep Drew Allar’s Heisman hype machine rolling without mussing up the uniforms. Fine. But don’t try to sell it to me as “meaningful preparation.” The Oregon game on September 27 after a bye week is the first real test, and by then the Lions will have played fewer tough snaps than I do in my daily battles with Medicare billing departments. A bye week after Villanova to heal the third-stringers’ wounds? Yeah, right.
My wife, known here as Artificially Sweetened, tells me PSU shimmies through a tri-cupcake opening stanza every year. Yet I can remember a time when the Lions would lead off with a winner like Alabama or Nebraska (whether they were ready or not).
The Real Games
Let’s examine the key matchups for the Nittany Lions, the high hopes, and why Drew’s legacy might hang in the balance.
1. September 27 — Oregon at Penn State
A rematch of last year’s Big Ten title game (a 45–37 Ducks win), albeit this time in Beaver Stadium’s White Out atmosphere. Expectations are lofty: Penn State begins the season ranked No. 2 in the Big Ten preseason pecking order, with Oregon at No. 3. The Black Shoe Diaries roundtable (a bunch of overstuffed pseudo-experts) largely anticipates an 11–1 record, with Oregon as one of two must-win tests. Win here, and the season’s title dreams feel real, at least for a while, until…
2. November 1 — at Ohio State
Yes, the Buckeyes still own this series, winning eight straight (some by a single point), all in Columbus. Pseudo-experts largely expect Penn State’s only loss to come here. For Franklin and Allar, this game is the “prove-it—or-never-live-it-down” moment of the season.
3. Booking the Playoff Train
Aside from the AP, multiple outlets have Penn State ranked in the Top?5 preseason:
- No. 4 by SB Nation, thanks to a loaded backfield and the addition of Jim Knowles on defense.
- The New York Post slots Penn State at No. 5, but still sees them as one of five elite squads.
CFP predictions echo these rankings—many peg Penn State to grab a spot, even if the final path remains hazy.
Expectations & The Consensus
- Record projections: Eight of nine predictors anticipate an 11–1 regular season, with one holding out for a perfect 12–0.
- Biggest threats: Oregon and Ohio State stand tallest; the latter especially looms as the likeliest obstacle.
- What makes Penn State dangerous: Continuity. Drew Allar returns, as do running backs Nicholas Singleton and Kaytron Allen—not to mention defensive experience and returning starters.
NIL, the Portal, and the Price of Loyalty
Then there’s the ongoing circus of NIL and the transfer portal, which has officially made college football less about glory and more about who ponied up the best signing bonus. Money doesn’t talk anymore; it screams.
Case in point: Beau Pribula. Loyal backup, fan-favorite, and (let’s be honest) probably the only guy who could run a read-option without looking like he had concrete in his cleats. He’s gone—off to greener, richer pastures courtesy of the almighty portal. In another era, Beau would’ve been the hometown hero waiting in the wings. In this era, he’s just another casualty of capitalism disguised as “opportunity.”
Meanwhile, collectives fling cash like drunken sailors, and I half expect boosters to start hawking NFTs of Drew Allar’s hand-towel sweat stains to finance the next five-star.
The House That JoePa Built (Now With $700 Million Worth of Bling)
Ah, Beaver Stadium. The hallowed grounds, now undergoing the biggest nip-and-tuck this side of Beverly Hills. Renovations are in full swing, and the price tag looks more like a defense budget than a football facelift.
But here’s the stat that matters: the official capacity is now 100,409. Why the extra nine? Because nothing screams “we’re legit” like a number that looks like it was drawn from a lottery ball machine. Michigan brags about 107,601, Ohio State about 102,780, and here we are splitting hairs with 100,409—as though the nine extra fans will be decisive in scaring Oregon into false starts.
What’s in a Number?
Sure, that number is oddly precise, but rumor has it the trailing “409” was deliberately chosen to nod to Saint Joe’s 409 career wins. I haven’t seen an official confirmation—so let’s call it: intriguing Penn State fan theory, with just enough plausibility to make you smirk.
Still, KraftCo assures us the renovations will improve “fan experience.” Translation: higher ticket prices, more craft beer, and better Wi-Fi so we can all simultaneously tweet “WE ARE” when Allar finally throws a completion on 3rd-and-8.
Allar: Legend or “Big-Game Choker”?
Here’s where the heart gets messy. Allar captained a 13-win season that ended with a gut-wrenching 27–24 loss to Notre Dame in the Orange Bowl semifinal. That final-minute interception didn’t help his “clutch” résumé.
Drew Allar. The man, the myth, the question mark. Is he the next Penn State legend, or the latest quarterback to shrink like a salted slug under playoff pressure? We all saw the Notre Dame disaster last year—clutch interception, playoff dream shattered. Some still call him elite. Others whisper “Big-Game Drew” with a tone usually reserved for intestinal gas.
We’ll See…
Still: big parts of the offense revolve around him. Last year, he powered Penn State through Boise State and SMU in the CFP, and teammates leaned on him in must-win moments. On Reddit, one fan even highlighted his elite connection with Tyler Warren—“an astonishing passer rating on Warren targets … 80% completion rate, nearly 10 yards per attempt, 7:0 TD:INT”—numbers that spark “legend” potential, if not for a few high-profile missteps. But now, his favorite target is an Indianapolis Colt—still wearing blue and white, but playing on Sunday.
So where does that leave us? Beneath all the hype, this dichotomy persists: Allar is supremely talented and statistically elite, but will he rise when the glare magnifies in Columbus, Big Ten title shots, or CFP elimination games? If he can outplay that late-game narrative, he steps from potential into legend. If he folds again, the “Big-Game Drew” label stays alive.
Wrapping It All Up and Tying a Bow on It
So, the media and Sanguinarian hopes are running as high as a kite during the pre-season, which means everybody will be doubly interested in kicking PSU ass. This aging turkey has been through enough pre-season predictions to know when to exercise caution, so I won’t be giving you any fancy 11-1 predictions here. Hell, until the September 27 white-out against the Ducks, we won’t know where any of this is going, although the Sanguinarians will be in Sang-heaven after the 68-3 win over Villanova.
If the Nittany Lions can somehow beat the Ducks, their day of reckoning will be November 1, in the Horseshoe. Will Drew Allar shine in those two games? If so, welcome to Legendville. If not? He’ll join the ranks of the “What Might Have Been” pantheon of PSU quarterbacks who had the goods but didn’t quite make it.
So, my faithful six, what are your expectations for the 2025 season?
I’ll be back mid-week with a look at Saturday’s big 3:30 pm tilt against the Nevada Wolf Pups.
