The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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Roll Over, Frankie!

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This just in: American Idol tonight will feature “Rat Pack Standards” — which is, this Mouse assumes, a tribute to the 50s and 60s era songs of Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, and Sammy Davis, Jr.  Joey Bishop and Peter Lawford were also members of the Las Vegas Rat Pack, but they didn’t sing.

Look for another Adam Lambert coup. From him, I would expect a new take on an old song, which I can envision him doing in his Wayne Newtonesque, slicked-back look.

From the rest, I would expect boredom. Danny wearing a fedora with his tie undone droning out the plaintive lament of Angel Eyes? I think not. Kris in a Dean Martin tuxedo doing Come Back to Napoli? Gimme a break! Matt donning an eye patch and singing What Kind of Fool Am I? Nahhhh! And Allison — good old Allison — what the hell can she do with an old standard? She’s more Nancy Sinatra than Frank.

This one is liable to hurt my ears and offend my aging ideals.

One thing crossed my mind. Instead of a guest mentor this week, they’ll have to bring in a ghost mentor! Joey, Sammy, Peter, Dean, and Frank are all dead. Several women were associated with the Rat Pack, including Lauren Bacall, Angie Dickinson, Judy Garland, Joey Heatherton, Shirley MacLaine, Marilyn Monroe, and Juliet Prowse. Perhaps they’ll get one of the broads who is still living, which would be any of them but Garland, Monroe, and Prowse. Otherwise, they’ll indeed have to resort to a “ghost mentor.”

Minus Two!

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No great loss on American Idol last week, as the ship’s cargo was lightened by two lightweight sailors who were just along for the ride. Lil Rounds and Anoop Desai bit the dust at the behest of the admiralty — better known as the collection of 14 year-olds who dominate the “voting public.” So, America voted and we lost some dead wood. Whoop-de-doo!

Any fool knows at this point that whoever goes up against Adam Lambert is going to lose, but the remaining four wannabes will hang in there as long as they can. With five left, we can take comfort in knowing that there are only four more weeks of this crap! How we will maintain interest is up to us as individuals. This Mouse, like a lot of humans, hangs in from week to week tolerating bad acts while waiting for Lambert to favor him with his latest surprise.

However, with the Stanley Cup Playoffs in progress and the Mouse’s favorite Penguins still in it, potential interference is afoot. When this occurs, we leave you in the astute hands of The Runnin’ Redhead for your play-by-play commentary. This week, the Antarctic birds are awaiting determination of their second-round opponent, so the Mouse is liable to be free.

I didn’t hear what the theme would be this week. Perhaps they’ll do the music of The Trashmen. All contestants will be required to do their own take on Surfin’ Bird as well as one other of The Trashmen’s obscure non-hits.

Adam Will Be Disco Queen This Week

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The trail to the Adam Lambert coronation as our next American Idol wends a winding path through musical mediocrity, as the six remaining overmatched challengers repeatedly miss the mark. The show’s new producers (since the product was sold by Nigel Lithgoe after last season) have found it necessary to resort to multiple gimmicks and vacuous cheerleading by the so-called judges in order to maintain some level of interest by the viewing public.

The vaunted “judges’ save” was finally employed last week to save Matt Giraud, who by Simon Cowell’s own admission has no chance to win the competition. As the judges’ save required unanimous agreement, why the hell did Cowell not just assert his negativity by letting Giraud go home? Either the judges wanted to play with their new toy or the producers declared that they would use it last week, lest it not be used.

The upshot is that we get to see Matt for one more week as he and the other chaff desperately chase the front running wheat.

This week, two contestants will be eliminated. That’ll fix them! Now that the judges’ save has been used, there can be no more such manipulation. It is all up to the public vote at this point.

The theme for the week is disco. Why reprise this crappy, dead genre? Who the hell wants to hear all those Korg synthesizers emulating violins again? I sure as hell don’t. As a matter of fact, I won’t. There’s a more important and much more entertaining Stanley Cup hockey game to watch, and I’m damn well going to watch it. I’ll catch up with Idol during the intermissions. Not that anything I’ll see matters. Adam is basically uncontested and it’s a major bore watching all the pretenders screw up their attempts at competition.

May 20 cannot come too soon. No matter who Lambert’s last remaining opponent might be, I feel sorry for him or her. No one in this crew can match Adam’s seasoning, showmanship, flamboyance, and fruitiness (which for some unexplained reason is presently in vogue). Accordingly, I have to ask: How many viewers are tuning in each week to watch Adam Lambert and only Adam Lambert?