The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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Lions Land in Citrus Bowl, As Expected

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The Nittany Turkey is proud to be last on the scene once again as he reports that Penn State will play LSU in the Capital One Bowl on January 1. By this time, most of you have already bought your tickets and made your travel plans. That is good, so I won’t have to apologize for my late delivery of the news we pretty much knew all along. ????? ??? ????

The good old BCS hyped the Penn State vs Iowa who-gets-in? hubbub all the way to the end by keeping lips sealed about the damn thing. Ultimately, however, justice prevailed, sending Iowa to the Orange Bowl and leaving Penn State out. That’s good, because I have to believe that the Nittany Lions would have had trouble with the 1968 offense of the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets. Not good for the administration, who are crying in their pabulum about losing all that moolah.

Nevertheless, this Turkey thinks that things settled out pretty well. Alabama and Texas will play each other to decide the Still Somewhat Mythical So-Called National Championship (SSMSCNC), while Gator Nation wonders whether they should trade a draft pick to the Minnesota Vikings for Percy Harvin.

Now, don’t you all feel silly for having wasted your time speculating about possible bowl berths for endless hours for the last few weeks? Did any of your ruminations, machinations, and masturbation change anything? ???? ??? ???? ?????

Now that match-ups have been decided and bids are out, I think I’ll have to do some bowl predictions here as this month progresses. How else are you going to figure out whom to bet on? You could go to some of the less facetious, unsarcastic sources on the Internet, or you could throw darts at a labeled dartboard bought from 1 Hattrick, but you will not find the Turkey’s words anywhere but here. When you rely on those other sources, you receive no compassion when you lose. ??? ???? ??? ???? Not so, the Turkey. Being so used to making incorrect predictions had mellowed me out. When you lose with my predictions, I’ll give you the full benefit of my sympathy. In advance.

Just when are the media going to shift from counting how many women Tiger Woods has slept with to how many women he hasn’t slept with? I’m going to have to ask Jenny if he’s been there. Maybe we can figure out a way to get some of his money.

Of course, Nero fiddles with Tiger Woods and his peccadilloes while Rome burns. And boy, is Rome burning. While we idiots spend all this time and column space worrying about who Tiger screwed and who will win which inconsequential bowl game, Washington and the world are conspiring against our freedom. The misguided liberals are about to get what they’ve wanted all along. So don’t get caught up in this bowl crap and in Tiger Woods’ babewise trophy case. Devote that energy to thwarting something that will screw all of us if we let it happen.

Global warming is a fraud. (Or are we supposed to call it “climate change” now, because it could never explain why the planet was actually cooling with anything more than a hand wave.) Who knew? Certainly not Al Gore — it would endanger his book proceeds and carbon offset profits. But everybody in Copenhagen knows about that. The deal there is that the tin pots of the world will suck out big bucks from the US and the rest of the civilized, prosperous world. We’ll wind up sucking hind tit.

I’m thinking that health care reform will cost us more money than we have. Our friends in congress are salivating over controlling 18% of the U.S. economy. One senate schmuck even wrote an amendment that establishes control of insurance companies’ CEO salaries. How the hell do we let this government grab of private enterprise happen? Wake up, people!

Now that I’ve confused you by injecting my impertinent opinions on hot-button current events issues, I’ll return to the subject at hand. I intend to look further into the Penn State vs. LSU situation as the month progresses, assuming that too many other activities don’t get in the way. You never know this time of year. We could have a Tiger Woods emergency or something. LSU doesn’t have much of an offense, so Penn State has a chance to make a statement that a third-rate Big Ten team can beat a third-rate SEC team. Oy, such a statement!

I’ve got to get ready for lunch now.

Ducks Prevail, Bring Back Bowl Memories

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Watching the Oregon vs Oregon State game tonight flashed me back to the simpler days when bowl games were few, prestigious, and didn’t need the name of a company selling package delivery services, pizza, weed eaters, or car care to be viable. Oregon won, 37-33 in an exciting game replete with five lead changes.

The Oregon students were waving roses at the end, and that’s the way it used to be when teams knew which bowl they were playing for. The Pac-8 (which it was until upstarts Arizona and Arizona State joined) would send its champ to the Rose Bowl to meet the Big Ten Champ — more often than not, the winner of the Michigan vs Ohio State game. Roses were passed around at those pivotal late season games because if the respective teams took care of business, they were sure to get a bid for “the grandaddy of them all.”

Back then, the winner of the Big Eight would play in the Orange Bowl. The SEC winner would play in the Sugar Bowl. The (now defunct) Southwest Conference winner would play in the Cotton Bowl. Those teams knew where they were going and exactly what they were playing for.

Furthermore, we didn’t have to remember which corporate sponsor’s bowl it was played in which other corporate sponsor’s stadium. The Orange Bowl was played in the Orange Bowl. The Sugar Bowl was played in the Sugar Bowl. The Cotton Bowl was played in the Cotton Bowl and the Rose Bowl was played in the Rose Bowl. ???? ????? (The latter, fortunately for the sake of history, still is.)

Now, even the parades associated with the bowls have corporate sponsors. How exciting.

Hell, watching football on TV, it has come to having corporate sponsors for first downs. (“That first down was brought to you by Bush’s Beans…”) One of my compadres, Jackstand, speculated that soon we will have sponsors for the left hash mark on the 47 yard line. ???? ??? ????????

For the sake of pumping up even more TV revenue, we now have to endure a BCS selection show, which will air this coming Sunday night on ESPN. Used to be we didn’t need such an abomination. Everybody knew what they were playing for and where they were going. Selection has grown complicated. When the standard tie-ins and rationale fail to provide enough projected revenue, the rules are bent via complex provisions for who gets to pick what from which bunch of teams in what order. The BCS sucks. It amounts to a theatrical booking agency, which attempts to justify its choices and placements with contrived formulae. The elephant in the room is that nobody gives a damn about anything but the money.

By BCS rules, a particular conference cannot send more than two teams to BCS bowls. Ohio State is locked into the Rose Bowl. If Penn State is picked over Iowa for the either the Tostitos or FedEx bowl, a travesty will have been committed. Iowa beat Penn State. Iowa is ranked higher than Penn State. Penn State fans naturally want to see their team go to the best possible bowl. Of course, the administration wants the significantly higher payout of a BCS bowl. ????? ???? ???? It is, after all, all about the money, no matter what euphemisms we hang on it. If Penn State is picked because its fans “travel well” or whatever the hell code word we use for “spend lots of money”, it ain’t right. Iowa should be picked because of what they have accomplished on the field, not based on the size of their alumni fund.

But I digress. The BCS has that effect on me. I continue to be annoyed with the entire process and the thinly veiled pecuniary orientation of the whole damn thing. However, the Ducks are the men of the hour, and I need to give them their Rose Bowl sendoff.

Congratulations to the Oregon Ducks! The last time you guys went to the Rose Bowl, it was 15 years ago and your opponents were the Penn State Nittany Lions. Unfortunately, you faced one of the most prolific offenses in NCAA history and gave a credible effort that fell significantly short against the #2 team in the land. (Only because Nebraska beat Miami the night before, but I won’t get into that — much.) This Turkey enjoyed the privilege of attending that game. This time around, I’m thinking you quackers can win this thing. The tables are turned. The Buckeyes aren’t all that good this year, having lost to a pretty awful Purdue squad and to USC, who you Ducks decimated on Halloween. Party hearty in Pasadena and enjoy the experience — you’ve earned your roses, now go for it all. The Turkey’s Crystal Balls predict a big Rose Bowl win.

Goodbye, Bobby!

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Big changes at the top of highly visible college football programs, Turkey readers!

Earlier, we mentioned that Charlie Weis is out at Notre Dame. Now, ESPN is reporting that venerable Florida State head coach Bobby Bowden will retire at the end of this season. Details here.

Of course, this means that venerable Nittany Lions head coach Joseph V. Paterno can retire any time now, absent the stigma of Bobby surpassing his career wins record.