The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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College Football Withdrawal

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Sunset at St. George Island State ParkThe Turkey is back from a very nice few days up in the Panhandle of Florida, about 250 miles northwest of here as the turkey flies (but since this Turkey’s Jeep doesn’t fly, particularly across the Gulf of Mexico, it’s closer to 300 miles). I had one helluva good time hiking, backpacking, and Geocaching up there at Torreya and St. George Island state parks, not spending much time at all thinking about college football. (Normally, at this time of year I’m sucking up all the football I can get in preparation for the long drought.)

I returned home to suburban Orlando Sunday night, whereupon I received the following multi-pronged reality check:

  1. My fears about the Big Ten being outperformed in bowl games were borne out, with the exception being the pleasant surprise Michigan victory over Florida. All the other Big Ten bowl games went down as I had predicted. Draw your own conclusions. I did.
  2. How bout that Steelers-Jags game? Ben Roethlisberger sure knows how to throw INTs at the wrong time, and Mike Tomlin sure knows how to go for two at the wrong time. Maybe they’ll do better working on their golf game now.
  3. The uncharacteristically cold weather here in the Orlando area killed my showy hibiscus in the front yard. I have Al Gore to thank for not bringing his promised global warming. (Perhaps that’s why the global warming advocates are now trying to waffle by dubbing the nebulously unproven concept “climate change.”)
  4. The cream does indeed rise to the top in college bowl games and the NFL playoffs. Pretenders such as Hawaii, South Florida, and Ohio State in the college ranks, and Pittsburgh and Tampa Bay in the pros got what they deserved.
  5. Someone forgot to flush a toilet before we left for a few days. I will not describe the result.
  6. Chuck Norris is apparently running for VP on the Huckabee ticket. He was anything but “Missing in Action” in those victory poses at the Iowa Caucuses.
  7. Barack Obama is presumably having great success running for President with a platform of “I’m cute and well spoken and I ain’t Bush.” College girls are showing up in great numbers to vote for young, cute, and inexperienced. However, reason prevailed in New Hampshire, where the Republicans’ great white hope named Hillary edged out young and cute. We wish Mrs. Bubba well in the remaining primaries. The Turkey’s assessment? Populism is a sham, a political ploy to generate votes, and no iconoclasts or altruists are out there running for the top elected office—only those with blind ambition. Yet we voters continue to vote for the panaceas these guys and babes offer. Is it any wonder that someone running on a vacuous platform of “change” does so well? (It worked pretty well for Bubba, but I digress…)
  8. I managed to read in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette that Joe Paterno had said that son Jay should not get the PSU head coaching job when the senior Paterno retires. That’s either a stroke of reality or a master manipulation.
  9. The other blogs are done with their infernal year-end “Top 10” lists. Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. You’ll see no such hackneyed, worn-out, unoriginal journalistic device here.
  10. I had to add a #10 to make this an infernal top ten list.

Mostly, I just wanted to let you know that I’m back and I’m ready to blow acrid smoke again. We Penn State fans could surely appreciate an uneventful and uplifting off-season, given all the crap that took place off the field last year. Alas, “uneventful” should not mean losing primo recruits to Notre Dame and USC, as has been reported elsewhere ad nauseam. Furthermore, the Nittany Nation continues to be constantly abuzz with lame-ass speculation about the coaching situation—who is leaving, who is staying, when will Joe go, etc. Like, give it a rest, already. Oh, and then there’s the quarterback controversy in the making, with the Clark/Devlin situation echoing Robinson/Morelli in Bizarro World fashion. It’s tempting to write about it, but no doubt it’ll be beaten to death elsewhere. Accordingly, I hope we will be able to find fresh, non-contrived, positive things to expound upon in the forthcoming months.

It’s going to be a long off-season. For now, I’ll sign off reiterating my wishes for a happy and healthy 2008 for all of you.

Lust Remembered

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The Morelli Era is officially—and gladly—over. With the Nittany Lions’ 24-17 victory over Texas A&M in the 2007 Valero Alamo Bowl, the curtain falls on one of the biggest busts in Penn State recruiting history. The great promise that Morelli’s rifle arm dangled before us when we fans were wanting to dump Mike Robinson in order to play the great freshman brought us the ultimate reward of an arm with no brain; a rifle with defective sights.

We need to learn a couple of lessons from the Morelli Morass. First, remember that we fans did, in fact, whine for playing time for Morelli over Robinson, because we thought we could make personnel decisions better than Paterno and staff. This is pure folly, but it is the cornerstone of sports blogs, message boards, booster organizations, and David Jones. Fans always think they know better. Fans are fickle. A screwed-up game or two and they want to dump the quarterback. Second, the guy who is sitting on the bench only looks better because he hasn’t been given the opportunity to screw up yet. It is inevitable that when he comes in, his honeymoon will be brief before we know-it-all fans find enough flaws to jump on his case.

And so it goes, like clockwork. That’s the nature of the beast. Fans second-guessing coaches is what sells beer. How ludicrous a premise it is that CPAs, roofers, and students could manage a sports team better than the guys who are paid to do it and who must live with their decisions when they go home every night! Anyhow, we decided that we needed Morelli and then we decided that he sucked. And now it’s over.

Morelli’s final performance in blue and white was the quintessence of his career. Poor decisions, balls thrown too tall for his receivers, and a mediocre 15-31 for 143 yards with one TD and one INT was pretty much what we had come to expect from AM. He was at his best handing the ball to Rod Kinlaw or Evan Royster, who chewed up 143 and 65 yards, respectively. Penn State rolled up 270 yards on the ground, including a 50-yard, one touchdown performance from future QB Darryll Clark.

The Clark Era preview consisted of six plays that left me wondering how A&M, coached by a defensive coordinator, could get burned by the same play each time. Clark’s rushing average was 8.3 yards per carry. Each time, Clark would line up as shotgun QB with Morelli flanked wide. By the way, in one such case, Morelli threw a great block to spring Clark. Here’s to you, Anthony! That hard head can be useful at times.

Give it two games next year and Clark’s honeymoon will be over. Hell, fans can’t leave well enough alone. We’re already bitching about Pat Devlin probably sitting on the bench most of next year. Chronic malcontents we are, but that’s sports for ya!

A&M, as we knew they would, burned the defense with a couple of things. The punishing running of Jorvorskie Lane, whose name is reminiscent of a tree-lined street in Warsaw, wore down the Nittany Lions’ depleted defensive front four. With that big load (reported to be close to 300 lbs) pounding on them all day, the boys got tired. Furthermore, for variety, A&M QB Stephen McGee and speedy running back Mike Goodson ran the option at the Lions, knowing the difficulties Bradley’s boys have had defending it. For variety, McGee also knew that Penn State can’t defend the slant. The result was a balanced attack with 164 yards in both running and passing.

CollegeFootballNews.com came up with an interesting treatise on what lost the game for the Aggies. Specifically, the instant analysis article postulates that when McGee called a time-out on 3rd-and-3 at 8:34, he gave the Penn State defense a breather that enabled them to persevere. The game was close enough that any such blunder could have cause it to go one way or the other.

And so it was that the 81 year-old legend Joe Paterno coached his 500th game to achieve yet another bowl victory, while the hapless Aggies augmented their dismal bowl record.

And now, the Turkey will take a break from football. After eating his requisite New Years’ Pennsylvania Dutch spare ribs & sauerkraut, which would have my Orthodox Jewish grandmother rolling over in her grave, I’ll embark on a four-day backpacking/camping trip in the frigid Panhandle of Florida, where Wednesday night’s low is forecast to be an unFlorida-like 14 degrees. If I survive the freeze-out, I’ll be back here to blow off about non-football issues for a while. After all, I’ve earned the break from dissing Morelli and putting up the lightning rod to attract shots at Paterno, Paterno, and Hall.

With all that in mind, this Turkey wishes all of his distinguished readers (both of you) a healthy and happy New Year. See you in 2008!

Official Aggie Joke Open Thread

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Aww, what the hell. As long as the dissin’ has started, we might as well tell our favorite Aggie jokes. Gotta do something to spark interest in this dadgum game. Turn about is fair play. If they’re going to berate our esteemed head coach because he’s old, we might as well respond in kind.

For the uninitiated, Aggie jokes in Texas are sort of the equivalent of Newfie jokes to Canadians, blonde jokes to non-Aryans, and Polack jokes to non-Polacks before we were sanitized by the brain-dead, humorless Oberleutnants of the Political Correctness Sanitization Gestapo.

Moving right along, here are a few Aggie jokes I collected from the Web. Please feel free to augment this Aggie-mocking open thread with your own Aggie jokes. Be creative! (UT fans are very welcome to post here, especially after the fluke loss to the lowly Aggies. But be careful. Aggies might retaliate about the wisdom of your coaches who run out on the field to down the ball.)

Q: Why did the Aggie get fired from the M&M factory?
A: He kept on throwing out the W’s.

A guy walks into a bar and walks up to the bartender and says, “Would you like to hear an Aggie joke?” The bartender, who was a big guy says “Now before you tell that joke take a look at that diploma, I went to Texas A&M, and you see that guy working the door, an equally large man, he went to A&M, and that guy over there playing pool well he’s an Aggie too, so now are you sure you want to tell that joke?” So the guy says “Well not anymore, I would have to explain it 3 times.”

The Aggie goes into the drug store to buy his first pack of condoms. He asks the clerk for the pack marked $2.00 on the display rack behind the counter. The clerk rings up the purchase and says, “That will be $2.12 with tax, please”, to which the Aggie responds in horror, “Tacks! My friends didn’t tell me that’s how they stay on.”

Two Aggie fans were walking through the woods when they came upon a set of tracks. The first Aggie fan said, “Those are deer tracks.” The second fan said, “No, they’re too big to be deer tracks. They must be elk tracks.” As the debate continued, they got hit by a train.

Q: Why do Aggie cheerleaders wear bibs?
A: To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.

Q: Why is ice no longer available at Aggie football games?
A: The senior who knew the recipe graduated.

Did you hear about the Aggie terrorist who tried to blow up the Longhorn team bus?
He burned his lip on the tailpipe.

An Aggie got a job at an east Texas sawmill. Just before lunch on his first day, he lost a finger. When asked how he lost it, he replied, “I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi—Damn! There goes another one!”

Q: How do you get a Texas A & M graduate off your front porch?
A: You pay for your pizza!

OK. Your turn!