The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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Blue wins, QBs lose

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I’m a bit late in getting to this Spring Game post because I had to sober up first. The off-season viewing party at the Cave caught me at a time when I was not properly warmed up for consuming mass quantities.

I hear that some hilarious things happened here in the game’s aftermath. I participated in some (apparently) but I didn’t remember anything this morning. Among them:

  • Everyone went outside to check out Jackstand’s new Charger SRT8. I know this happened because pictorial evidence was posted on Facebook.
  • I cooked some steaks for the four of us. Artificially Sweetened apprised me that these were the rarest steaks she ever had.
  • I went to sit down but I missed my favorite chair. This was the largest recliner LaZboy made at the time I bought it. It was called the Mark McGwire model (and no, it does not dispense performance enhancing drugs as one reclines). It’s white leather and it is huge, thus really hard to miss. I ended up in a pile on the floor. I don’t remember.
  • Apparently, I made a lot of smoke in the house with the Jenn-Air grill, because Artificially Sweetened asked me this afternoon if I remembered the smoke alarm upstairs issuing its cacophonous alert sound. I didn’t, but it apparently caused enough of a commotion to have awakened the dead, if not the stuporous.
  • Zbeard felt that he had to go out to procure more wine and, as it turned out, some anchovies. When he tried to get back in through the gate, the guard wouldn’t let him in. When he tried to call me, I was obviously not answering. Eventually, I guess the guard let him in.
The Turkey, Jackstand, and zbeard each engaged in their own world.
Turkey, Jackstand, and zbeard at the Alternate Cave for the Blue-White game.

Meanwhile, rewind to earlier Saturday, about noon-thirty, when I wanted to check to see if I could get the game on my largest screen, the one in the Cave. I had tried accessing BTN2go previously, as I outlined in an earlier post, so I felt that all systems were go for launch. Little did I know that Google TV wouldn’t cooperate. I had logged into BTN2go five minutes earlier on one of my desktop computers upstairs, but Google TV was a no-go. It kept hanging during the loging-in process, staying forever at an “Authorizing…” screen. So I began to prepare to bring the big, bulky workhorse computer downstairs when I had a second thought.

I had fixed up my “junk room” with a fairly decent Lenovo desktop computer and a “monitor” made from an old, repurposed 27″ HDTV. The room was essentially for the benefit of AS’s kids who have dubbed the computing equipment in there “the giant computer.” Well, hell, instead of lugging something down the stairs, and setting it up downstairs, I could create a more intimate viewing situation in the junk room via the giant computer. Yes, I was able to log into BTN2go from there, so all was ready to rock and roll.

Of course, this being a day when not much happened the way things were supposed to happen made it conducive to overindulging in the vino. So, now you know.

Oh yeah, the game. (Don’t rush me — I’m rambling!) I don’t have much to say about it — I was actually pretty lucid during it — because I didn’t really notice much worthy of commenting on. I think that the primary accomplishment was a successful “coming out party” for Bill O’Brien. The game demonstrated that we could put the past behind us and look forward to the O’Brien Era, for better or worse, be it long or short in duration. We won’t forget the late, lamented Joe Paterno, but his entire era now exists in another dimension.

The Blue defense team played defense the entire game, and they beat the White offensive team by the basketball looking score of 77-65. It should have been obvious to anyone who could comprehend the rather arcane scoring algorithm that the defense was the better team on the field, and the point totals were just.

In a game where each interception is a pick-six for the defense (they got six points for any interception), the pick is the biggest scoring play. So, when three mediocre quarterbacks with a broad range of talents but not all in a single package face a pretty decent defense, there will likely be lots of defensive scoring opportunities. Sacks also amassed points for the defense. Five interceptions and eight sacks made it a happy day for the defense.

The quarterback competition, which O’Brien indicated would continue until just before the season begins, might have taken a direction away from the Bolden camp with his poor performance. He was the starter, which indicates to me that O’Brien is trying to bolster his confidence and give him chances to succeed. Unfortunately, Bolden blew it. Three interceptions and two sacks in his share of the playing time, speaks for itself. His completions amounted to only 78 yards.

His main competitors for the starting job are Matt McGloin and Paul “I have not yet begun to fight!” Jones. Their performances were nothing to write home about, either. McGloin, who has the inside track, disappointed with 6-13 for just 105 yards passing with one touchdown and one interception. Jones, who has a howitzer of an arm, displayed it; however, accuracy is a big issue here. Jones was 6-15 for 113 yards, with one touchdown and one interception. McGloin and Jones each were sacked twice.

Shane McGregor, who has no chance of becoming the starting quarterback, actually had the best numbers of the quarterbacks in the game. He was 4-4 for 47 yards. McGregor is a senior walk-on.

Bolden, as you’ll recall, wanted out this past year, but Joe Paterno wouldn’t let him go. I can see Bolden overacting an impression Al Pacino’s line from Godfather III, “I wanted to get out, but they kept pulling me back in!” Paterno said, “Stick around, kid, and you’ll get a fair shot at it.” Well, I’m thinking that Bolden might have been better off elsewhere, because it just doesn’t seem like he’s going to make it at Penn State. He still seems to lack command of the field and pocket presence. Things do not appear instinctive with him. He looks as uncomfortable as he’s always looked.

As for the great new offense we all wanted to see, O’Brien didn’t show it to us (or to the other Big Ten coaches). He said that maybe 10% of it was sprinkled into the play mix. One good sign to me was the use of the tight ends. You know that the O’Brien playbook will be replete with tight end routes. (Of course, if he can develop talent at that position that is even 80% as good as what he had at New England, he’ll tear up the Big Ten.) Even more obvious was the observation that players weren’t standing around waiting for plays to be called down from the booth to the field and signaled in to the quarterback. Good riddance to that chronic suckage!

On defense, the most notable thing was the significant absence of the hated Sandusky Zone and the Sandusky BBDB. It is not that I’m kicking a guy when he’s down, as I have always credited Jerry Sandusky for Penn State’s innovative 1980s pass defense. In Sandusky’s case, if the crimes he is accused of committing occurred, what the hell — kicking him when he’s down feels pretty damn good, but I digress. It appears that the soft zone is on its way out. Seeing corner backs line up at the LOS made me even more cross-eyed than the wine. This is not something I have ever seen a Penn State defense do, other than in a goal line configuration. Of course, the talent needs to be there, while defensive backs must be taught to play in the 21st Century. But if that happens, think of the pleasure of watching a game in which the opponent isn’t hitting the seams in the zone all day long. As the English gentleman in the old Schweppes commercial used to say, “Curiously refreshing!”

One last note. Ki-Jana Carter made his broadcasting debut doing sideline interviews at the Blue-White game. I think the poor guy will take some deserved lumps for his ineptitude, but it still was good to see Ki-Jana again. Hell, it is always good to see any of the heroes from that 1994 team, which had one of the best offenses ever to play in the NCAA and one of the last decent offenses for a Nittany Lions team. Anyhow, Ki-Jana must have wanted to kick himself immediately after introducing Brian Urlacher as “one of the best three or two linebackers in the NFL.” That was just one faux pas of many. Somehow, I don’t think any sideline blondes are deeply concerned about losing their job to Ki-Jana, but if they were to possess his talent of being able to change directions in mid-air, I want to sign them up for my private team.

Let me ask you readers what you took away from this year’s Blue-White game. What did you think about O’Brien’s debut? Do you agree that Bolden blew an opportunity? Did you notice anything about the new playbook — both offensive and defensive — that escaped my inebriated attention? Discuss!

Goin’ Postal on Coastal

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Well, the Nittany Lions broke the cherry on another fine season by meeting another fine cream puff, beating the Division I-AA (FCS) Coastal Carolina Chanticleers, 66-10. It truly wasn’t that close.

Speaking of cream puffs and cherries, we promised you a topical guest reporter for each game, and for this game the guest reporter is Ms. Caitlin Upton, Miss Teen South Carolina 2007. Caitlin just remembered to file her report, so this Turkey apologizes for the lateness. Take it away, Caitlin!

Caitlin Upton
Caitlin Upton

Like I’m writing this in purple because it’s totally my favorite color. Hi, I’m Caitlin, and I was way late in filing this report because of the hurricane in the Iraq. (For those U.S. Americans who don’t have maps, the Iraq is like right next to the South Africa, and everywhere like, such as.)

Whatever, Caitlin.

Anyhow, I was totally impressed with the size of Beaver Stadium. There were like over a hundred thousand U.S. Americans there and probably a few from the Iraq and the Asian countries. Like, I was also impressed with the boys from Coastal Carolina, such as! They were way over their heads, such as, but they like played the whole game. And they’re all so cute, I mean especially the big ones. I personally believe that they got some education, you know, the education over here in the U.S., which is what kind of help they need. I cried when they lost but we in the South Carolina are like really proud!

OK, that’s enough, Caitlin! Thank you.

(What the hell did that girl say?)

This Turkey was drunk by halftime, so I have no detailed, albeit sophomoric, analysis to present here. In fact, Caitlin’s report might be the best reporting you find here, such as. Thus, a cursory, opinion laced collection of observation follows.

The offense was impressive, primarily due to the offensive line, which is now the best component of the attack unit, if not the entire team. Through my own wine-colored glasses, I can say that both Clark and Devlin looked good against no defense at all. (I hate the word crisp as applied to passers, so I won’t use it here. Just one of those stupid fucking sportswriter vogue words you see everywhere. Well, you won’t see it here, except in this excoriation. I’ll give you a crisp pass, right up your ass! It’s too late for Crispy Critters, already! I better not see anything crisp out there, unless it comes out of a box of crackers. But I digress.) Our diabolical running game, abetted by our proudly coalescent and suddenly competent offensive line (praise Jesus!), looked good as well. Every time I regained consciousness, Royster seemed to be finding his way into the end zone. The receivers were pretty good as well, but Derrick Williams still goes down too easily. It’s like Caitlin could blow him over from the third row in the South stands, but I bet she blows well.

I wasn’t quite as impressed by the defense. Coastal’s cagey coach’s calculated counter to the aggressive Penn State pass rush consisted of running screens and quick crossing patterns, which were poorly defended by the PSU back seven. In fact, one of those plays went for a touchdown that made the score 14-7 at an early juncture. I didn’t mind the late field goal, but that touchdown gave me some ominous feelings about whether the linebackers and secondary would be up to the task this year.

How often do I criticize the PSU defense? Except for some specific crappy performances (viz., Justin King, last year), I’m usually pretty kind to the defense. I hope I can be kind to them this year, too, but they’ve got to show me more than they showed me in this game. (I know, I know, they only allowed 10 points. Yeah, but to whom?) For the moment, the defensive line is exonerated. Those lads were quick, brutal, and competent. (Crisp? Shaddup!!) Evans and Maybin…awesome. However, we need to pray that everyone stays healthy. Moreover, the linebackers and secondary better come together quickly.

I hope Bowman caught hell for that stupid playground crap he pulled on the opening kickoff. If he had fallen on the ball, it would have been a sure touchdown (albeit scored by the offense, not by him), but by trying to pick it up, he gave it back to the Chanticleers, who dodged a major bullet. Thank you Navorro. You get the first Bonehead Play of the Week award, which I just invented.

It is this Turkey’s opinion that we did not get much, if any, exposure to the vaunted Spread HD. I personally believe that we’ll get some clues this week against the Beavers.

Finally, just a word about special teams. Other than Derrick Williams’ run-backs, I didn’t see anything very special. Even Derrick, as mentioned before, seems to hit the dirt at the slightest provocation. However, the coverage on kickoffs yet again appears grossly deficient. This was Coastal Carolina, ferchrissakes, folks, not Ohio State. They better learn how to cover kickoffs.

The good news is that the boys on offense took care of the ball. I hope fumble-itis is now an extinct disease. I guess Morelli’s departure was a step in the right direction, turnoverwise. The even better news is that there were no significant injuries.

All in all, this Turkey did not see anything that would make me change my opinion about the season. I still think we’re looking at 8-4.

Sorry about the flimsy, anecdotal report. It was the first cream puff of the year and I didn’t feel like staying sober. I’ll be bad later in the week with the poop on Oregon State. In honor of the Beavers, the drink of the week will be the Shaved Beaver. Try it, you’ll like it!