The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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All Hail Sparty!

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I’m certain that you all watched that great game between Michigan State and Ohio State, which turned out to be all we hoped it would be — and more. Yeah, more. Sparty actually won it 34-24. Brutus left with his sad little Buckeye tail between his branches and Urban Meyer looked sad and forlorn in his post-game interview by the lovely Erin Andrews, Queen of the Gators.

Speaking for myself only, I’m glad the B1G missed the chance for another embarrassing loss by tOSU in the Still Somewhat Mythical National Championship (SSMNC) game, which looks like a done deal now, pitting Auburn against unbeaten FSU. Auburn dismantled Mizzou in the SEC championship game, and they’re on a roll, having rolled over the Crimson Tide to knock off the king of the hill last week. Meanwhile, the Seminoles steamrolled Duke in the ACC championship. (Lots of “rolling” metaphors going on here. Riverwise, Ike & Tina would be proud.) This here SSMNC should be a great game now, y’heah?

Moo U. is Rose Bowl bound to face Pac-12 champ Stanford, while the upset and disappointed Buckeyes will probably get an Orange Bowl bid. Clemson will be the ACC opponent there because poor Duke ain’t got no respect.

Our local overachievers at UCF are headed to the Fiesta Bowl for a shot at immortality, taking on the Baylor Bears, another excellent pairing.

The Sugar Bowl has the rights to the top SEC team available, and most likely that will be Alabama.  Chances are good that they will be facing Big-12 champ Oklahoma, but Oregon is another possibility. Way back a few weeks ago, everybody thought Alabama-Oregon would the the SSMNC pairing. They still might get it, albeit not for the SSMNC.

Walt is gearing up for another year FOOTBOWLS commissioner. He’s giving Excel an oil change in anticipation of a smoking hot bowl season. FOOTBOWLS is a pool in which you pick winners of all the bowl games and assign weights to each game. Thus, it’s more than just picking, which you can do with your nose anytime. Strategy is important. So is patience, because the vast preponderance of participants are Kubany’s friends and family, and the banter is generally insider crap. Nevertheless, I participate each year and lose my $20.

Congratulations to Mark D’Antonio, who built that Moo U. program around a stifling defense. Moo U. has possession of the vaunted, abominable Land Grant Trophy, too, but I digress. I suspect that Michigan State will be a force to be dealt with for the B1G henceforth.

B1G commissioner Jim Delany apparently had a major brain fart when he introduced the Big Ten champion as “Michigan … … … State.” A poignant pause, to be sure. Was he sober? In any case, he was somewhat gracious — or not — in congratulating the losing Buckeyes. Congratulating them for what? Losing the SSMNC slot and costing the conference big bucks? Hahahahhahahha!

Notice that I don’t use sponsor names when I call out the bowl games. That’s because sponsors never should have been allowed to change the names. The Orange Bowl is the Orange Bowl, not the Discover Orange Bowl, etc. Sponsor names, particularly when they change from year to year, suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

This turkey will post impertinent comments as he sees fit throughout the bowl season.

114 Years

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It has been 114 years since Duquesne Athletic Club beat the Nittany Lions 65-5. No one has come close to scoring that many points against PSU since — until last night.

Absolutely the most humiliating loss of all time and Urban Meyer is a prick for running up the score and the officials threw it to Ohio State and they cheated. Get it out of your system. Purge it. Take a good crap. You’ll feel better.

But in the end, it was a loss we all expected and Urban Meyer did no more or less than coach his team to kick ass, which is what he’s paid to do.

I hope the young team got a dose of humility, but more importantly, I hope they don’t hang their heads after being outclassed by a better collection of football players. I think that there is a danger of memories not being instantly erased, although O’Brien has been posturing publicly that they will. No, these guys remember, and some of that is due to their meandering leaderlessness.

The leadership vacuum was no more evident to me at any time than it was when Zach Zwinak left the field after carelessly fumbling the ball away to the scarlet clad enemy. He turned his back to a furious fusillade from O’Brien and sat down at the end of the bench, somewhere around Port Matilda, with no teammates coming over to console him. Sean Lee would have been over there in a heartbeat, dressed out or not. This team just doesn’t have that kind of presence. And that’s a morale problem right there in a fancily wrapped box.

But, of course, that’s only one rant. I could kick myself for not seeing this as a blowout, thinking PSU could be competitive for even the first half. After all, OSU let Northwestern and Iowa hang around well into the second halves of those games. I guess they were just fooling around with them, like a cat playing with a mouse. Or are the Nittany Lions really that bad?

It seemed like everything that the Buckeyes threw at them worked well. Of course, if you’re going to play Sandusky/Bradley pass defense, you expect to give up some yards. The deal was “bend but don’t break” (to which the latter day Sandusky lent a whole new meaning). Alas, the defense has to have the capability of not breaking once the bending is done. Last night, Penn State’s slow and inept defense did nothing but bend over. After their cherry was popped on the first series, they just lay down, moaning, “Bring it on, big boy!”

Six hundred eighty six yards. At the end of the day, when all was said and done, in the final analysis, that was the number. Bottom line. Of the 686, 408 were on the ground. Miller got to rest his arm, throwing only 24 times, but completing 18 of those for 252 yards and three touchdowns before his backups came in for mop-up duty. When your running game is averaging eight yards per carry against a porous defense, your worries are few and you see bluebirds and butterflies. Oy vey!

The offense didn’t win an academy award, either. Hackenberg’s throws were off target and he got picked twice. Everything had to click for this game to be competitive, but after early hopes were dashed by Corey Brown’s interception in the end zone on Penn State’s opening drive, they were clunking, not clicking, for the rest of the game.

Sanguinarians unite! Bill Belton had a great game, so there’s something positive for you.  The offensive line did half a job, too! Thinking back to St. Joe’s old bromide, “You’re never as bad as you think you are when you lose.” Yeah, and patsy Illinois is coming up! Yeah, we’ll clean their clocks. We can still have a 9-3 season! Hey hey hey!

Wake up. Not with this defense, they won’t, and not without some leaders to scrape these guys’ faces off the locker room floor.

Here’s a bright thought. RD and I actually attended a 63-14 game that went the other way at Beaver Stadium back in 1994. So, they owed us one. I didn’t hear anyone bitching about PSU running up the score back then. Not in State College, anyway.

Yeah, the bitching about Urban Meyer started before the game even concluded. Do I blame him for going balls to the wall against PSU? Hell, no! There’s nothing wrong with humiliating one’s opponent. Who needs pussification and politeness on the field of combat? You play to win and don’t let up. BCS rankings being what they are, higher point totals can mean the difference between being in the SSMNC and being in a lesser bowl. PSU is not in that situation, and I think those of you who are whining are jealous of OSU for being there.

I guess I could give Meyer a little heat for challenging that spot late in the game after PSU’s fate had long been sealed (that happened before halftime), but I won’t. When you play to win, you don’t let up.

So, go ahead and hate the opposing coach. That’s part of the game, too. We have nothing to celebrate, so we might as well bitch about trivialities that wouldn’t have affected the outcome in the slightest. Complain about OSU being treated less harshly about Tattoogate than was PSU about Sanduskygate, but don’t complain about a coach doing his job. If the tables were turned, O’Brien would be piling on the points, too, and you’d be cheering for his ass.

In fact, there was nothing but gloating when PSU beat Illinois 63-10 back in 2005 (remember Arrington pancaking the punter?), completely humiliating their opponent. How about the 81-0 shellacking of Cincinnati? Success with honor — or not? I guess if St. Joe felt like doing it, it was OK.

So we’re embarrassed and humiliated. But in our hearts, we knew we didn’t have a competitive team this year. Yeah, the sanctions hurt and the breadth and depth of talent is not there. What’s more, the leadership isn’t there. We knew these would be problems at the beginning of the season. The defense has been showing its ineptitude the whole year. So, yeah, be embarrassed, but don’t be surprised. The Nittany Lions played a top-ten team and lost. Get over it.

Or did the Buckeyes cheat?

Ima Dot Yo Eye

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We’re all hoping that the unranked Nittany Lions (4-2,  1-1 B1G) can pull off the big upset over #4 Ohio State (7-0, 3-0 B1G), much like that great game in 1964. The Buckeyes are currently two-touchdown favorites to win the border war with Penn State.

Ohio State BuckeyesSanguinarians notwithstanding, this game has long been flagged as the toughest of the year for the Lions. In this turkey’s opinion, in order to preserve the “mo” they established last week, they have to show some improvement here. We must face the notion that a win is not likely, and thus we can look for other positives, such as not getting completely blown out, as Florida A&M did.

There is absolutely no chance that will happen, praise the Lord. (I won’t use “zero” as an adjective, because I’ve declared it officially not to be an adjective. What is this “zero chance” stuff? It sounds retarded! But I digress.) There is good reason to believe that there is some life in dem Lions. This is the game in which they can make the proverbial statement. It will be rougher than two weekends ago, because unlike Devin Gardner, I think Braxton Miller is not just an athlete trying to play quarterback, but a truly gifted and talented football player. Accordingly, win or lose, the defense must step it up this week. (And I think there is zero chance that they won’t. How’s that for a double negative involving the non-adjective zero?)

Talk amongst yaselves. Discuss!

I’ve been saying all week that Ohio State doesn’t merit the #4 ranking it presently holds. The BCS still relies too much on the polls and we’ll all be happy to say good riddance to it next year when we open up a new can of worms with the playoff system. Ohio State is there because it started out way the hell up there and it hasn’t lost a game yet. But when you look at the statistics and bear in mind the strength of their schedule (or lack of same), you’ll come to the same conclusion as I did, unless of course you’re a Scarlet and Gray homey.

Does an outfit that ranks 79th in passing yards allowed and 81st in passing offense belong in the Top Five? All kinds of teams are completing just a gnat’s eyelash shy of two TD passes per game against Brutus and the gang. So, I’m calling bullshit! I don’t believe OSU could carry Alabama’s jock straps. If they happen to meet in the SSMNC by some strange quirk of attrition and bad FCS algorithms, the Buckeyes will get their clocks cleaned, as they have in the past.

The statistical comparison between the Bucks and FSU and Oregon is even worse. They’re a lot closer to #5 Missouri and teams further down in the pretenders pack than they are to the top three. They don’t scare me. FSU scares me.

Ohio State’s somewhat sub-par (at least yardage-wise) passing offense, though, is probably not a great concern for Urban Meyer, inasmuch as the running game is superb. The constant pounding and threat of a play-action (or whatever Jackstand would call it) pass gives the Bucks a ball control offense that can strike quickly. The rushing offense ranks 11th nationally at 279.6 ypg. Thing is, Braxton Miller doesn’t throw that much but when he does, he tends to hit his targets. OSU ranks 8th nationally in passing efficiency based on the combined efforts of Miller and Kenny Guiton. (Of course, that trails FSU and Oregon, but it’s one notch up from Alabama, who rank 9th.) Through seven games, they’ve completed 70% of their passes, throwing an average of 28 times a game. Miller has had only two interceptions against eight touchdowns passing. His backup, Guiton, is an impressive quarterback in his own right, with a 68.4% completion rate and 13 touchdowns against two interceptions. Ain’t nothing wrong with the Buckeyes’ passing game. They just rely more on the run. Can you blame them?

The Buckeyes have given up fewer than 20 points in only two games: Mountain West Conference San Diego State (3-3 and FCS Florida A&M (2-5). Furthermore, they’ve allowed 30 or more twice, against Cal (1-6) and Northwestern (4-3, 0-3 B1G). Most recently, they struggled in the first half against Iowa (4-3, 1-2 B1G) before winning 34-24. So, I guess you could say that they’ve been lucky to escape unscathed, although there’s something to be said for doing whatever it takes to win games and no more.

What pops out at me looking at OSU is that their rushing defense allows an average of just 92.4 yards per game, good for a seventh place FBS ranking, but just third in the B1G(!). However, they’ve allowed an average of 240.7 passing yards and 19.9 points per game. And who have they played? Wisconsin was the only halfway decent opponent thus far. Otherwise, we’re dealing with Buffalo, San Diego State, Cal, Florida A&M, Northwestern, and Iowa. Pretty crappy schedule, and it doesn’t get much rougher with PSU, Purdue, Illinois, Indiana, and Michigan on the tail end.

On the other hand, the Nittany Lions’ defensive stats don’t impress me much halfway through the season. They’ve given up one helluva lot of points — thrice, they’ve been hit for 30 or more points. Two of those were 40 or more. Thank God for cupcakes like Eastern Michigan and Kent State, because they weigh down the points against average to a deceiving 23.7 ppg. The OSU running game should wear down the front seven by the time halftime rolls around, even though they’ve improved a bit, as evidenced by containing Michigan’s Touissant the prior outing. However, they loaded up eight and nine in the box to do it, and that puts a burden on the secondary that I think Miller will be able to exploit to a greater extent than did the interception prone Gardner (although he still managed to throw for three TDs). The average weight of the OSU offensive line is 310.8 pounds.

With the benefit of all that meat, a healthy, 240 lb Carlos Hyde is way too powerful a runner, one who has topped 100 yards in each of his past two games. Add in tiny speedster Jordan Hall, and you have a tired defense by the third quarter. Hall and Hyde have similar stats, both averaging 6.2 ypc. Hall has eight TDs and Hyde has 5. The “good” news is that Hall has been somewhat lame of late, but he is expected to be close to fully recovered for this game. Would you believe that the Buckeyes have only the third best rushing offense in the B1G, behind Wisconsin and Nebraska?

Some Sanguinarians, buoyed by that last mistake-laden outing against Michigan, are feeling their oats, predicting a second half of the season comeback for the Lions, a few loonies thinking that PSU can “run the table.” If they played on a pool table, maybe they could, but they’re playing on football fields and half of the remaining games are on foreign turf. So, that euphoria needs to be tempered by some realities that will be brought to the fore in this game. Penn State is not yet ready for prime time on either side of the ball, and on special teams as well. The only bright spot could be the PSU passing game, because I don’t think they’ll be able to run on OSU.

So, Allen Robinson will save the day, right?

Yeah, Allen Robinson and all that stuff. He’s great, ain’t he? Felder is pretty good, too. Christian Hackenberg has made his share of rookie blunders, but he has his sparkling moments, too. (Still, way too early in his career to expect him to carry the team on his shoulders or for the team to look to him for leadership.) Robinson showed some signs of ratchetedness in the Michigan game — what I characterized as Keyshawn Johnsonism. However, as they say so unctuously in the basketball world, you want your star player to want the ball at crunch time (no matter whether there’s any crunching going on elsewhere — what the hell is crunching, anyway?). On the other hand, if I might bend you back and forth for a while, you can’t have your wide receivers and your quarterback at odds with each other. That’s where Hackenberg’s youth and — call it what you will — lack of street cred come into play. Besides, the thing is, OSU has got some pretty, pretty, pretty good playaz in the secondary — coupla junior corners and coupla senior safeties who can run with the best of them. Bradley Roby got tossed from last week’s game for one of those controversial “targeting” fouls, but he’ll be playing this week, perhaps a little more wary of who he hits with what. Most of the passing is going to wind up being underneath the coverage, so expect the tight ends, Jesse James and Kyle Carter, to be getting a lot of work. Perhaps Adam Breneman, too, if he’s out of the O’Brien doghouse. Alas, it won’t be enough.

Special teams’ll killya.

Fortunately, that last game was a marvel of suckiness on both sides as concerned special teams. This week, I’m much less worried about the field goal unit than I am with punting. Up against the 11th best punt returner in the FBS, Corey Brown, Alex Butterworth and the coverage unit better be on the ball.

Da Wedda.

Breezy with variable clouds and a high of 54F and a low of 37F. Kickoff being 8PM, it’ll probably be in the 40s for most of the game. Not cold enough for fur-lined jockstraps, so it should be good football weather under the lights at Ohio Stadium.

TV Coverage

This is our prime-time shot. In honor of getting ABC/ESPN/Disney’s top college football crew, Artificially Sweetened opined that we should serve Mus Burgers and Herb’s Treats. I had to demur because the task of catching enough mice would fall on me and I’m too lazy to chase them, although I know of one soporific mouse that ate Xanax. He wouldn’t provide enough meat for a single Mus Burger.

Notable Alumnus

George Steinbrenner and his megabuck pitching staff in 2003.
George Steinbrenner and his megabuck pitching staff in 2003.

The featured alumnus this week is going to be a touch choice because of the veritable plethora of Nobel Laureates, Pulitzer Prize winners, dignitaries of all sizes, shapes, and genders, primo entertainers, and, of course, a shitload of sports personalities. I’ve chosen someone from the sports world, and it is not Jack Nicklaus or Jesse Owens, who certainly deserved a load of consideration in view of their might accomplishments. Let me ask you this: how could I pass up a guy who fired Billy Martin three times? George Steinbrenner, “The Boss”, is my featured alumnus for the week. Although his undergrad days were spent at Williams College, he earned an M.A. at Ohio State, where he was a graduate assistant to Woody Hayes. He also was an assistant football coach at Northwestern and at Purdue back in the 1950s. Most famously, he owned the New York Yankees for 37 years during one of the most successful time in club history. The Yanks won the Series seven times and had a total of American League pennants during his tenure as boss. Steinbrenner died in 2010 at age 80.

Without further ado-doo…

It is time for the Official Turkey Poop Prognostication, the feature in which I make a dick out of myself by going against the Nittany Lions. Last time out, I failed miserably, going with the Wolverines minus the points. That puts me at 4-2 straight up, 4-2 against the spread, and 5-1 on the over/under for the season to date. So, I’m doing about as well as Penn State, right? Right. Every gambler knows that the secret to survival is knowing what to throw away and knowing what to keep. So says Kenny Rogers, anyway. What La$ Vega$ is saying about this one ain’t pretty. Buckeyes favored by 14.5 on their home turf, with an over/under of 56.5. The action is suggesting a Buckeye victory to the tune of 36-21. Even if the PSU defense shows up for this one, they’re in over their heads. A little offense would be nice, to avoid a complete embarrassment. OSU is a second-half team this year and a tired Nittany Lions defense will be humbled in the second half. Any second-half scoring will be a bonus for PSU, but as we’ve seen, others have done it. Wouldn’t it be great to break Urban Meyer’s streak? I don’t think it will happen here, but he hasn’t been doing all that well against the spread this year, so I’m going to going to make this no exception. Ohio State 34, Penn State 20. Take the under.