The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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Fire Mark Emmert: the petition

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It was inevitable that someone would create a petition to fire Mark Emmert, president of the NCAA and legend in his own mind. Change.org, a bastion of petitioners, gets the prize for being the vehicle for a petition by “Josh O” of Fairfax, Virginia entitled “NCAA: Fire Mark Emmert as President of the NCAA“. It is addressed to David Leebron, Nathan Hatch, Gene Block, Lou Anna Simon, and Judy Genshaft — the NCAA Board of Directors.

You can follow the link above and sign the petition by filling out a brief form on the same page. The Turkey endorses this petition, and thinks you should strongly consider signing it. When last I looked, they had 305 supporters and needed 195 to make it over the first hurdle.

Can the Board of Directors fire Emmert, or has he amassed too much power and become Emperor for Life?

In order to determine exactly what would be involved in shitcanning Emmert, I tried to find the NCAA by-laws on the NCAA.org site, but they’re not published there for us mere mortals. Perhaps someone with Lexis Nexus access can find them for me, as the Turkey lacks the finances to employ such tools, but I digress. It is interesting that the NCAA site is replete with rule books for each division of member institutions, posted in very prominent places, but when it comes to its own framework of rules, it keeps them secret. (Incidentally, they devote an entire page to Penn State sanctions on that site.)

Emmert, the hypocrite, is running a dirty organization but he has thus far kept his hands squeaky clean. As the scandals and internal malfeasance mount, he won’t be able to remain aloof much longer. It is time for the media to turn their negative death rays toward the NCAA in general and Mark Emmert in particular. We’ve seen some of it happening in the past day or two, so there is hope. Come on, sports writers and writerettes, commentators and commentatettes, you don’t want to be left out! Join the media firestorm today!

The Turkey’s Spare Rib & Sauerkraut Recipe

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Before I finalize my review of the recent Freeh Report rebuttal and associated issues, which will be put to bed on Monday, February 11, I would like to pass on a recipe that is cheap, easy, traditional, and has won rave reviews by the critical gourmets in my personal inner circle. I am inspired to present this recipe in response to a request by my one and only YL, Artificially Sweetened.

Spare Ribs & Sauerkraut
Serving Suggestion

Although there are hundreds of spare rib and sauerkraut recipes, this one is so easy and tasty that you’ll want to make it often. All you need are a few food ingredients (aside from the obvious ones) and a crock pot, or slow-cooker, if you prefer.

DISCLAIMER

First, a legal disclaimer. Being Jewish, what the hell do I know about pork? If you’re a landsman and you make this decidedly un-Kosher recipe, recipe maker (hereinafter referred to as sinful cooker) will hold this turkey harmless from all damages arising out of lightning bolts, both directed and incidental, force majeure, and/or excommunication from Judaism (hereinafter referred to as the Tribe). Turkey will be further held harmless from damages resulting from incidental trichinosis, E. coli, Bubonic plague, leprosy, or any other infections associated with ingestion of that treyf  “other white meat” they try to scare us about when we’re kids.

THE DETAILS

Now, directly to the recipe. Get yourself a rack of St. Louis spare ribs (don’t use baby back ribs). I don’t know what they call St. Louis spare ribs in St. Louis. (You know, like in the east, what we call a “western omelet” is called a “Denver omelet” in the west, but I digress.) Other ingredients you’ll need are a Granny Smith apple (other breeds get too mushy when they’re cooked for any length of time), a yellow onion, a pound of sauerkraut, and a teaspoon of caraway seeds.

First, wash the spare ribs and pat dry. Cut them into pieces that will fit into your crock pot broadside, as they’ll be layered with the other ingredients. Now season the spare ribs with salt and pepper and brown them on all sides in a heavy pan. While you’re doing this, wash and drain the sauerkraut. That’ll make it less acidic. Cut the onion in half and slice it. Using an apple slicer/corer (or just a paring knife, if you don’t have one of these handy devices, core and cut the apple into 6 or 8 wedges. (This is not a critical measurement.)

Once all the ribs are browned, you’re ready for final assembly. First lay a bed of the drained sauerkraut on the bottom of the crock pot. Add a couple of the apple wedges and some of the sliced onion, enough to create a nice cushion for the next layer, which will be enough ribs to cover the kraut, apple, and onion layer. Then cover this layer of ribs with the next layer of kraut, apple, and onion, and continue layering like this until you’ve exhausted all ingredients and filled the crock pot. Then add a teaspoon of caraway seeds and a cup of water. Turn the crock pot on “LOW” and let it cook for eight hours, plus or minus. This will feed four Jewish sinners or even regular people.

As an alternative to the cup of water, you can try dry white wine or even ale. Experimentation is desirable.

None of the measurements are critical, so feel free to increase or decrease quantities to feed your army. Also, if you don’t have a slow cooker, I believe it will work fine in a Dutch oven over very low heat.

Serve with mashed potatoes, as in the picture. For an extra special dose of mashed potatoes, add finely chopped caramelized onions, sautéed finely chopped garlic, and cream to your mashed potatoes. But don’t add balsamic vinegar like I did once, or you’ll be serving unappetizingly brown mashed potatoes.

I’m hoping that I’m not violating any laws (other than kashrut) by propagating this recipe. I wouldn’t put it past this current Federal administration to require anyone passing on a recipe to include four pages of nutritional information, serving sizes, etc., like they want to require us to do background checks on our relatives when we give them guns. Schmucks! (End of political rant.)

If you’re Jewish, a Faraday shield might be helpful, but otherwise, enjoy!

Laser Focus: NCAA, Heal Thyself!

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I’m reviving Laser Focus just for the hell of it on this soporific Friday afternoon. The main topic of today’s diatribe is signs of a cracking and crumbling investigative infrastructure at the NCAA becoming increasingly more evident as that august organization bumbles its way through investigations of member institutions.

Take, for instance, the investigation of the University of Miami, which seemed to be a slam-dunk of a case. Nevin Shapiro, a booster who was convicted of masterminding a Ponzi scheme admitted that he had provided improper benefits to Miami Hurricanes recruits. During the course of the investigation, the NCAA admits that “former NCAA enforcement staff members worked with the criminal defense attorney for Nevin Shapiro to improperly obtain information for the purposes of the NCAA investigation through a bankruptcy proceeding that did not involve the NCAA.”

“The NCAA Executive Committee expects the enforcement program to operate within approved procedures and with the highest integrity.” —Lou Anna K. Simon, NCAA Executive Committee Chair

The investigators employed that expedient because the NCAA doesn’t have subpoena power; thus, they used the bankruptcy proceedings to obtain information to which they otherwise would not have been privy. My, my! The things that lawyers do to get around the law.

Mark Emmert, of course, was quick to throw up a smokescreen. “I have been vocal in the past regarding the need for integrity by NCAA member schools, athletics administrators, coaches and student-athletes,” he said. “That same commitment to integrity applies to all of us in the NCAA national office.”

Say what, Markypoo, you incompetent, hypocritical windbag?!?! You made a statement about integrity when you extorted a consent decree out of Rod Erickson, didn’t you? As we used to say in the Bahamas, da fish stink from da head, mon! Is it any wonder that after watching you operate, your rogue operatives think they have carte blanche to stick their noses into anyone’s business at all? Better get ready to lose Corbett’s anti-trust suit, because the actions of you and your organization make it quite obvious that you’re oblivious!

Here’s a blog post with which I don’t completely agree, but it is fun reading for Penn State homeys. Its author is pretty bent out of shape about the NCAA, and if you’ve read my diatribe thus far, you’re pretty amenable to reading such stuff.

But wait, there’s more! The bungling of the Miami investigation is only one high-profile screw-up by the NCAA. Let’s also consider the case of Abigail Grantstein, yet another NCAA lawyer who screwed up yet another NCAA investigation, in this case at UCLA. A basketball player named Shabazz Muhammad was accused by the NCAA of violating amateurism rules and was threatened with ineligibility.  Last August, while the investigation was supposedly being conducted and without a conclusion having been reached, on a flight from Chicago to Memphis a guy who identified himself as the boyfriend of an attorney with the NCAA made it clear that the NCAA was going to find Muhammad ineligible and not allow him to play. This loudmouth also blurted out the name of his girlfriend: Abigail. An attorney on the same flight overheard and emailed Dennis Thomas, a former chairman of the NCAA’s infractions committee, with copies to UCLA and to attorney Robert Orr after learning that he was Muhammad’s personal attorney. In a subsequent interview with the Los Angeles Times, she stated her concern over the lack of confidentiality and the “cavalier discussion of this young man’s future being tossed around for everyone to hear.”

A day after the story was published in The Times last November, the NCAA reinstated Muhammad. In December, sources told The Times that the NCAA had fired Grantstein. Muhammad has become a star, leading the team in scoring and will potentially be a lottery pick in the NBA draft.

Grantstein had been working on other investigations, including that of UCF here in Orlando, and those investigations are in danger of collapsing due to her involvement in them. UCF officials, who met this week with the NCAA in Indianapolis were highly optimistic that the charges would be reduced or dropped completely.

The NCAA has a lot of nerve telling everyone else what to do when it displays its own incompetence and corruption at every turn. Who needs to listen to their hypocritical moralizing.

Physician, heal thyself!

You have to believe that Emmert will react to all the bad press of late. Oh, wait. He did. Here’s his statement:

Media reports yesterday quoting unnamed sources said the inappropriate use of Nevin Shapiro’s attorney to obtain depositions in the Miami case was authorized by the NCAA General Counsel’s office. These reports are not true. In fact, evidence shows the General Counsel’s Office specifically told the enforcement staff — on at least two occasions prior to any arrangements being made with the attorney — that they could not use Shapiro’s attorney for that purpose. As a result, the external investigation is solely focused on the behavior within and the environment of the enforcement program.

Mark Emmert
President, NCAA

Liar liar pants on fire! So, there’s going to be an external review. Shades of Louis Freeh!

Emmert has indeed commissioned an external review of the enforcement program, which we’ll give the moniker “Enforcing the Enforcers.” Kenneth L. Wainstein (no relation to Grantstein, I hope), who is a former Homeland Security Advisor and FBI General Counsel, will conduct the investigation, otherwise known as “Investigating the Investigators.” What a waste of time and manpower! Undoubtedy, Emmert will suppress any negative findings, so what’s the use?

“Upon receipt of Mr. Wainstein’s findings, I will take further steps as needed to assure accountability for any improper conduct,” Emmert said. Yeah, right! He’ll fire some sorry-ass scapegoat to make himself look like the hero, no doubt.

“The NCAA Executive Committee expects the enforcement program to operate within approved procedures and with the highest integrity. Although we are deeply disappointed in this turn of events, we strongly support the actions President Emmert is taking to address the problem,” said Lou Anna K. Simon, executive committee chair and Michigan State University president.

Yeah, but you know that the seeds of destruction have been sown and I think that Pennsylvania Governor Tom Corbett’s anti-trust suit against the NCAA will be a great fertilizer. Given all the shenanigans in Emmert’s backyard, he really ought to resign before the going gets really, really hot. He’ll wish he never listened to Vicky Triponey by the time the dust settles on this one.

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In related news, “Victim Six” is seeking $75,000 in damages from the Tickle Monster, Second Mile, and Penn State in a lawsuit filed this week. The abuse that triggered the suit occurred in a shower encounter with Sandusky in 1998. Recall that his mother pressed the matter with police, but no charges were ever filed.

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And our final story of the day, courtesy of Joe, is one of meddling by the Department of Education in Washington, D.C. “So what else is new with that?” you ask. No doubt relating to our uber-egalitarian president’s desire for uber-egalitarianism, for leveling the playing field, and to make some people more equal than others, Education officials are pressing for schools to give disabled students “a fair shot” to play on traditional sports teams or have their own leagues.

The schools would have to make “reasonable accommodations” to allow them to play on traditional teams. I want to know how that will work. Football playbooks might have to be rendered in braille for the blind wide receiver, while the armless member of the crew team will require an outboard motor for the racing scull. What we need is more government meddling with their head up their ass, as usual.

“Sports can provide invaluable lessons in discipline, selflessness, passion and courage, and this guidance will help schools ensure that students with disabilities have an equal opportunity to benefit from the life lessons they can learn on the playing field or on the court,” Education Secretary Arne Duncan said in a statement announcing the new guidance Friday.

Good old Arne Duncan. What a guy.

This will be an even greater boondoggle than Title IX.

Go ahead, read about it if you want.