The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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Carly Should Teach Her Arm Tatt to Sing

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The Idol wannabes performed on Tuesday, and save for a brilliant performance from David Archuleta, the 17 year-old who looks 13, it was a pretty mundane night.

Dolly Parton’s guest mentorship meant that we would be hearing naught but Dollysongs. Alas, one of those was also a Whitneysong, performances of which in the Whitney style typically cause both my Idol partner, the Redhead, and I, the Nittany Turkey, to blow chunks. Syesha Mercado did the dirty deed with I Will Always Love You, and we both threw up. (I haven’t emptied my vomit bucket yet, just in case she is voted off tonight and gets to sing it again.)

Anyway, in addition to Archuleta’s, credible performances by David Cook and Michael Johns secured the victory for the ballsful contingent. Of the guys, only Jason Castro, who must have been starstruck after Dolly fondled his dreds, actually sucked.

As for the ballsless squad, the stage was replete with a veritable miasma of assorted drek. Carly Smithson delivered the best the breastful ones could muster, but it was nothing close to a knockout punch. Little Ramiele Malubay with the great big voice and somewhat chubby legs looked a little more comfortable than she had been of late, but nothing about her number renewed my faith in her being around at the end. Brooke White sang in whiter shades of pale vanilla white. Non-memorable and bland. The only babe performance of note was horse-girl Kristy Lee Cook, she of the great altitude and fine, fine, superfine legs. They even looked good as she pranced around the stage barefoot. Yeah, I won’t mind keeping her around for another week. Oh yeah, she sang, too, and she does country pretty well. It’s her thing, you know.

So, upon about six seconds thought, one of the following three must go this week: Syesha, Brooke, or Ramiele, not necessarily in that order. A dark horse for odd man out would be Jason Castro, but this Turkey thinks his hair will keep the teen votes coming for at least another week.

Results tonight on Fox.

Dollywood

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Tonight, Dolly Parton is the guest singer on American Idol. I just can’t wait to hear Syesha singing country glitz, but Kristy Lee and Brooke should be right in their element. More interesting will be how David Cook manages to transform country to rock. This will be a week that rewards careful song selection and performing versatility, man.

Yet one more time, I don’t see Kristy going down this week. And you can take dat to da bank!

Kristy Raises Flag, Saves Butt…

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…and a delectable butt it is! Kristy Lee Cook, the American Idol wannabe who I’ve been giving the boot for the past three weeks saved her ass with a decent performance of Lee Greenwood’s Proud to Be an American. So, her tall blondness is safe for yet another week. But who goes?

It won’t be Michael Johns, the Australian Atlantan, who pulls out Queen when he needs to save his own ass, and he did, and he did.

It sure as hell won’t be David Cook, whose unique performance of Billie Jean left no one wanting to hear that freak who made a hit out of its original version 2o-some years ago and it left the judges cooing and raving about Cook’s genius.

It definitely won’t be David Archuleta—just because he has 100% of the 9-17 year-old demographic sewn up and he can sometimes sing, too.

It probably won’t be Brooke White, who did Every Breath You Take and sounded pretty good.

I don’t think it should be Chikezie just because Randy thinks he did an 80s soul song in an 80s manner. His voice is a wonderful and powerful instrument. He sang an old song with feeling.

Not Syesha Mercado, either. She of the pretty smile delivered a serviceable Whitney-style performance of If I Were Your Woman. I don’t like listening to all the Whitney Houston clones out there, but the performance will save her for another week.

Dum-de-dum-dum. Here’s your Bottom Three:

Would Carly Smithson please step down on stage. Carly, you sang Total Eclipse of the Heart. Judges thought it was the wrong song for you and it missed the mark. This Turkey thinks that it is hard to shake the mental image of Bonnie Tyler’s original performance while watching Carly do her sort of workmanlike rendition. She’s a legend in her own mind, but she’s…moving on to the next round. You are safe, Carly.

Ramiele Malubay, little girl with big voice, you sang Alone. You were the lead-off hitter and you weren’t feeling well. The judges thought you sucked. The Turkey thinks you should move on to next week with that powerful voice of yours.

Jason Castro, you sang Fragile. Judges thought it was dull. This Turkey thinks that you are a nice kid, but you are too shy and lacking in personality to be a star. Furthermore, it was a fragile performance of Fragile. Jason, it’s the end of the road for you, guy, but you’ll be joining us for our Idol Tour.

America has voted and… (find out tonight).

Leo Durocher said it, Jason: Nice guys finish last. On this particular occasion, we’ll probably be saying goodbye to this nice guy. You’re a good kid and we’ll miss your weird hairdo, but you’re outta here!