The Idol wannabes performed on Tuesday, and save for a brilliant performance from David Archuleta, the 17 year-old who looks 13, it was a pretty mundane night.
Dolly Parton’s guest mentorship meant that we would be hearing naught but Dollysongs. Alas, one of those was also a Whitneysong, performances of which in the Whitney style typically cause both my Idol partner, the Redhead, and I, the Nittany Turkey, to blow chunks. Syesha Mercado did the dirty deed with I Will Always Love You, and we both threw up. (I haven’t emptied my vomit bucket yet, just in case she is voted off tonight and gets to sing it again.)
Anyway, in addition to Archuleta’s, credible performances by David Cook and Michael Johns secured the victory for the ballsful contingent. Of the guys, only Jason Castro, who must have been starstruck after Dolly fondled his dreds, actually sucked.
As for the ballsless squad, the stage was replete with a veritable miasma of assorted drek. Carly Smithson delivered the best the breastful ones could muster, but it was nothing close to a knockout punch. Little Ramiele Malubay with the great big voice and somewhat chubby legs looked a little more comfortable than she had been of late, but nothing about her number renewed my faith in her being around at the end. Brooke White sang in whiter shades of pale vanilla white. Non-memorable and bland. The only babe performance of note was horse-girl Kristy Lee Cook, she of the great altitude and fine, fine, superfine legs. They even looked good as she pranced around the stage barefoot. Yeah, I won’t mind keeping her around for another week. Oh yeah, she sang, too, and she does country pretty well. It’s her thing, you know.
So, upon about six seconds thought, one of the following three must go this week: Syesha, Brooke, or Ramiele, not necessarily in that order. A dark horse for odd man out would be Jason Castro, but this Turkey thinks his hair will keep the teen votes coming for at least another week.
Results tonight on Fox.
The Nittany Turkey says
I just got started working on crap for the CPA, so I’m going to have to miss the results show tonight, Red. I hope you enjoy it and I look forward to reading your play-by-play here!
—TNT
The Redhead says
I’ll miss you, Turkey! In the meantime, got ya covered.
After reading your blog, I predict that Brooke White will be the one to fly. At least, she gets my vote-off, so to speak.
We’ll see in just a few.
The Redhead says
I just noticed the show is one hour long tonight–why?
Oh yeah, commercials. How could I forget?
The Redhead says
Dolly’s singing tonight.
And some group known as the Clarkes Brothers.
Here are the Judges.
Uh oh–singing that workplace anthem, The American Idols.
I’ll try to reign in my enthusiasm.
Mistakes abound already.
The Redhead says
Nine-to-Five doesn’t really work as a group-sing.
As Turkey would say, IS.
The Redhead says
OOHHH… Carly just climbed up on the table next to Simon.
She’s dressed a bit more “lady-like” this evening.
The Redhead says
Okay, just watched a couple of the clips from last night. I’m thinking that Ramiele Malubay has a BIG chance of taking a jet plane home tonight.
The Redhead says
Ya know, Michael has sort of an Englebert Humperdink thing going.
The Redhead says
Okay. Here we go with reject time:
Michael’s safe (duh).
The Redhead says
And here comes David…who is…
in the top eight.
(Wow, what a shocker.)
The Redhead says
Here Carly comes again–
Is she or isn’t she…
Safe!
The Redhead says
Here comes a commercial…
and here I go.
The Redhead says
I’m thinking about artists I’d like to see covered on this show.
Fleetwood Mac. Let’s see some good Stevie Nicks imitations.
The Rolling Stones. Now that would be something. An Idol contender singing Sympathy for the Devil or Midnight Rambler. Ha! Brown Sugar. Oh yeah. That would go over big with the parents.
The Redhead says
We could have an underground 60s rock night. A little Cream. Sunshine of Your Love. That would be interesting.
How about Deep Purple night? Smoke on the Water. Yeah, man.
The Redhead says
Okay, here’s some Q and A from listeners calling in to the show.
David Cook tells a caller he’s “kind of a slob.”
Q. for Randy Jackson. Okay, okay, check it out:
“Is there someone you have never worked with?”
Oooo, safe answer. Randy wants to work with this year’s winner of AI.
A new caller. Michael or David? What song would you like to sing on tour?
“Islands in the Stream.” Nah. We duhhhn’t know.
? for Simon:
“Why do you feel you should apologize after giving a negative opinion?”
Simon says he will never say he’s sorry again.
He must have seen Love Story.
The Nittany Turkey says
Iron Butterfly Night…but I couldn’t see Archuleta singing In A Gadda Da Vida.
The Redhead says
Here are the Clarke Brothers.
They’re pretty cool. This one guy can play the hell out of an acoustic guitar.
Thumbs up, boys.
The Nittany Turkey says
Pretend you didn’t see me here. I’m back to tax immersion.
The Redhead says
Turkey!
The Nittany Turkey says
I’ll read your commentary for the final scoop on tonight’s elimination.
The Redhead says
I would go see the Clarke Bros. They are good.
The Redhead says
Turkey, I can’t bring myself to endure the ads.
The Redhead says
Here we go. Possible reject time again:
David Cook has been called to the stage. Will he stay…or will he go?
Staygostaygostaygostaygostaygostaygo
Stay!
Or as Ryan puts it: “Sofa safety.”
What an articulate guy.
The Redhead says
Ramiele Malubay. She has a look like she knows she’s going to the bottom three.
And sure enough,
she does.
The Redhead says
Kristy’s here. She’s so convinced she’s going to the bottom that she’s brought a note that says “Kristy’s seat.” So sad.
Verdict?
Bottom Three, deary. The note was apparently a good idea.
The Redhead says
Tick tock.
The Redhead says
One seat left to fill in the Bottom Three.
But next:
Here’s a tour of Nashville.
Yee-haw!
The Redhead says
Here’s Phil from last season. He sort of found out that he was a country dude.
He’s recorded a country album.
Good luck, cowboy.
The Redhead says
Bo and Bucky. Two former Idol contenders.
Bo has had some health issues. Bummer, Bo.
Both have recorded albums.
Keep on truckin.’
The Redhead says
Time to fill a chair.
Here comes the “I Will Always Love YOUUUUUUUU” girl.
I predict she’ll stay for at least another week.
Does she?
Yes!
Oh God. That means more Whitney s–t.
The Redhead says
Aw Brooke and Jason. What’s the deal?
Who stays, who goes?
Tick tock. Tick tock.
Brooke is running her mouth again. She needs to keep it shut unless she’s singing…and even then…
Brooke: In the bottom Three.
The Redhead says
Simon agrees with the Bottom Three.
By the way, Simon says, “Carly, I really like you, you’re really cute, I was only trying to help when I told you to clean up your fashion sense.”
He hurt Carly’s feelings.
Suck it up, Carly. You’re in show biz now.
The Redhead says
We’re back!
Live!
It’s about time to bring Dolly out.
Sheila E will be on the show soon.
And Snoop-Dog.
Sheeet.
The Redhead says
What, are they going to have a hip-hop night?
It will be a pimp/ho’s theme. They’ll bring out the Idols in a big white caddie loaded with hood ornaments.
Lots of spandex–and that’s just on the guys!
Heh heh.
The Redhead says
Here’s the Lady of the Bust:
Dolly!
I’m not big fan of her voice but I think she’s an excellent songwriter.
The Redhead says
She’s losing it voice-wise, I’m sorry to say.
The Redhead says
It looks like she’s reading the lyrics from a teleprompt.
The Redhead says
She’s had plastic surgery, uh, more than once.
She’s singing a song ’bout Jesus. He lifts her up and keeps her feet on the ground.
You know, the paradox thing.
The Redhead says
I hate to say this but IS.
The Redhead says
Wow. I’ve never heard her sing so badly.
I think not knowing the words to the song has thrown her.
The Redhead says
She’s got a great personality though.
She’s gracious.
Brooke and Carly could take a lesson from her.
The Redhead says
Ha! Dolly told Ryan: “I got Jesus, and you got Simon.”
Ryan: “I got the short end of the stick.”
Simon is not amused.
The Redhead says
In fact, Simon looked downright disgusted.
Suck it up, Simon. You’re in show biz.
The Redhead says
In a commerical break, waiting for the big eject button to be pushed.
The Redhead says
I predict either Brooke or Ramiele will go.
I think it will be Brooke.
It’s so exciting!!!!!!!!!!!
Gasp. I can’t wait.
The Redhead says
And we’re back.
The tension is mounting.
Time to get down to business says Ryan.
Randy, who do you think is out?
Ramiele Malubay.
Simon doesn’t think it will be Brooke.
Brooke is crying. Hand her a kleenex.
Suck it up, babe. It’s show biz.
The Redhead says
Who’s going home?
Brooke’s safe.
More tears.
I was wrong….
Kristy is safe.
The Redhead says
Ramiele, it’s time to kiss and say goodbye.
She’s pretty shaken up. Poor kid.
Welcome to Hollywood.
The Redhead says
Celebrate Me Home, is playing.
I’m gettin’ all choked up.
Suck it up, self–it’s show biz.
The Redhead says
Wow, she’s really sobbing. The audience is giving her a standing ovation.
Will she be able to sing?
The Redhead says
She’s a pro.
Way to suck it up, girl.
That’s show biz.
The Redhead says
She’s belting the tune. She’ll be okay.
Turkey, it’s a tough business. Being a critic is much easier on the ego.
The Redhead says
Until some other critic comes along and blows you out of the water.
The Redhead says
That’s a wrap, Turkey!
Thanks for the memories.
See you next Tuesday 🙂
In the meantime…
That’s show biz!