Subtitle: The Jahan Dotson Show

Not #22 Penn State (6-3, 3-3 Big Ten) explosively blasted its way to toilet bowl eligibility, beating pseudo-rivalrous, not-yet-bowl-eligible Maryland (5-4, 2-4 B10), 31-14. While I didn’t watch James Franklin’s post-game press conference because I couldn’t find the video on YouTube (and besides, its audio quality typically offends my geriatric ears), I will broadly assume that he harped on “winning the explosive play battle”, a tritely tacit acknowledgment of this team’s reliance on big plays. He doubtless talked about who won the other “battles”, but they mattered not. Yea, verily, it was the Jahan Dotson Show, without a doubt.

After a soporific first half whose only PSU highlight was a thirty-eight-yard pitch-and-catch TD from Sean Clifford to (who else?) Jahan Dotson, I had damn near fallen asleep. With the score at 7-6, only thoughts of the impending time change trauma annoyed me into wakefulness, but I digress wistfully. I’m glad I stayed awake for the second half, as the Clifford-to-Dotson connection would provide two more touchdowns and a pick-six by Ji’Ayir Brown added even more explosive play joy to our afternoon. Explosiveness. That’s what we crave, especially if we’re James Franklin wanting to explosively impress the search committee at USC.

While still erratic and obviously constrained from running, Sean Clifford could toss the ball anywhere in the vicinity of Dotson, who had usually beaten the defense and would suck it up like a vacuum cleaner, so he had no worries. Clifford wound up 27-47 for 363 yards and three touchdowns, with no interceptions. Dotson led all receivers with eleven explosive receptions for 242 yards and three touchdowns. His biggest, most violent explosion was an eighty-six yards Tsar Bomba.

Implosive Rushing

Rushing offense, as usual, was anemic, with most plays imploding for little or no gain. Franklin had said he wanted to establish the run against Maryland, but it sucked. Keyvone Lee was the leading rusher with eight carries for fifty yards. Noah Cain, a mere shadow of his 2019 “explosiveness“, wound up with ten carries for thirty-five yards. Clifford subtracted twelve yards from the running game, as he was explosively sacked three times by the Maryland defense. The Penn State offensive line is just not explosive enough to support the run, and it hasn’t been for years.

Can you tell that I’m tired of hearing all the “explosive play” bullshit from Franklin? I would hope that his replacement will have better public speaking skills and will ditch the sportscaster lingo. However, as Flounders and Jones brought out, Franklin did indeed use the word “holistic” in his press conference, a word they made light of because they have no idea what the hell it means. Well, Jones said his wife said it had something to do with vitamins, but I digress…

The Turnover Battle

In the explosive turnover battle, poor old Taulia Tagliabooboo (Franklin’s pronunciation, not mine), better known as Tagovailoa, suffered not only the aforementioned pick six, but also coughed the ball up once after trying twice. Taulia finished 41-57 for 371 yards with one touchdown and the big interception. Maryland was never able to establish the run, relying on Taulia’s arm for most of the game. He spread the ball out among ten different receivers. The running game produced a scant forty-eight yards net, which included minus twenty-nine yards for Tagovailoa.

In any case, da #3 kid is fun to watch.

Penn State, by the way, had NO turnovers, not even an apple turnover at the Halloween party. Yay!

Third-Down Efficiency Battle Continues to Improve

The Nittany Lions converted over half of their third-down opportunities again this week, a point of pride in the wake of early season suckage in that area. The vaunted PSU defense held Maryland to only four conversions in fifteen tries.

Hot Flash! Maryland Wins First-Down Battle!

The Terps had 29 versus 23 for Penn State. All hail the winners of the first down battle!

Ahhh, but Penn State Won the Time of Possession Battle!

Yasssssssssssss, the Increasingly Irrelevant Time of Possession (copyright (c) 2018, Matt Herb, BWI) battle 31:33 to 28:27. OMG OMG!

Other Battles around the Big Ten…

Oh, yeah, did you hear that the bloom is off the rose for Moo U.? The previously undefeated, #3 Spartans suffered a similar fate as Iowa when they went to West Lafayette: they got their clocks cleaned by Purdue. At 40-29, it wasn’t even close. This ignominious defeat allowed tOSU to take the lead in the Big Ten East, as they are still undefeated in the Conference. However, I believe the Schmuckeyes can be beaten. They had some trouble overcoming Nebraska’s defense, pulling it out 26-17.

The Big Ten East will be interesting. If the Buckeyes remain undefeated, it will be all over, but Moo U and Michigan are knocking on that door at 5-1. Penn State could be the spoiler for one or the other — or both.

In the west, Wisconsin, Iowa (barely), Illinois, and Purdue all won, tightening up the West, where four teams share identical, 4-2 Conference records. Apart from the Boilermakers, they are all animals: Badgers, Golden Gophers, and Hawkeyes.

Playoff Battle Implications

None for the Nittany Lions. None for the Terps. Why did you ask? Are you some kind of Sanguinarian, or what? But I digress, explosively …

(I’ll be bad mid-week for some explosive thoughts on the Michigan game. Stay tuned…)

It’s Easy: Ta-go-vai-lo-a

One aspect of due diligence when scouting the opponent of the week in hopes of going 1-0 is learning to say the name of the opposing quarterback. I’m talking to you, James Franklin! Sure, it sounds trivial, but how long have the Tagovailoa brothers been prominent in the sports buzz? Come on, James! You could at least practice it a little bit before the media conference, as you knew you would be talking about the kid. You find all my triggers, Franklin, and you never fail to piss me off. Taulia Tagovailoa. Repeat after me.

St. Joe used to piss me off, too. He couldn’t remember player names. Instead, he would refer to “the #72 kid” or some such thing. But you don’t expect senility from a guy Franklin’s age. Nevertheless, he would have been ahead of the game if he had called Taulia “the #3 kid”.

All that having been said, hello! This is the Nittany Turkey back here for your reading pleasure (or lack of same) for yet another week in this disappointing season. Yes, disappointing! No matter what happens in the next four games, many of us have already written off the 2021 Nittany Lions. Talk of bowl games in Las Vegas, Nashville, and New York doesn’t make us feel any better about them. We’re just hoping to avoid embarrassment.

Sanguinarians might tell you that there is still a chance for Penn State to make the playoffs. Say what? Well, you know that Sanguinarians’ perpetual posture involves cranial rectal insertion. Anything goes in that warm, dark, smelly place, especially delusion. In the words of John McEnroe, “YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS!” The CFP Committee has shown Penn State absolutely no respect in the rankings, where the Big Ten is well represented otherwise. Moo U., tOSU, Michigan, Minnesota, Wisconsin, and Iowa are all ranked. Penn State is not, although the AP media wonks see things differently, ranking them #22. However, I deviate from this week’s task at hand.

The Explosive Hare vs. the Hapless Tortoise

Who wants to go to College Park? Who wants to play Maryland? The point is moot. PSU must play them every year, as they are one of the pseudo-rivalry teams retired Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delany chose for Penn State. The others are Rutgers and Moo U. Unranked Maryland brings a record identical to Penn State’s to this fray, yet somehow, the Sanguinarians still consider Penn State superior, perhaps because the Lions didn’t get their clocks cleaned quite as badly as did the Terps at the behest of the Schmuckeyes or the Schmohawks. Before last week’s win over wayward, wounded Indiana, Maryland had dropped three straight. Sound familiar? At least they had the dignity to lose to Minnesota, not Illinois.

Yet, somehow, Penn State is favored in this game, by ten points, already. That might have something to do with Maryland’s injury situation on offense, where two highly productive receivers have gone down. Jeshaun Jones and Durell Nchami, two of the top three wide receivers are out for the remainder of the season. It also reflects optimism that the Nittany Lions’ 114th ranked rushing offense might somehow be able to run against a defense that has allowed 161 yards per game rushing, which is even worse than PSU’s rushing defense, which ranks #66. Penn State’s anemic offense can finally produce — what a concept! We’ll see. There is an equal chance that they’ll stink up the place like the Homecoming debacle against Illinois.

It will be fun to watch Tua, Jr. (OK, Taulia — I can pronounce it, too). He better be well prepared for our vaunted secondary, which even this Turkey admits is active, engaged, and effective.

But Maryland has been giving up lots of points this year, ranking 95th in scoring defense and providing an opportunity for Penn State to improve upon its 78th ranked scoring offense, which produces a paltry 26.5 points per game.

Franklin’s Combustible Battle

I’m sick and tired of hearing Franklin talk about “the explosive play battle”. This whole explosive shit is stale and it suuuuuuuuuuuucks. How about just playing sound football and taking deep shots when the situations arise? Risk-taking is necessary, but to win these final four regular season games, Penn State will have to rely on fundamentals most of the time. Let’s put the “R” back in “RPO”. Can we? Ummmm, I don’t think so…

So, two teams with identical records tied for mediocrity in the Big Ten East but with Penn State favored by ten. Hmmmmm. What do Sanguinarians see that I and the CFP committee don’t see? A “signature” nine-point loss to the Schmuckeyes last week? Superior talent with inferior coaching? Hell, they’re even optimistic that the line play on both defense and offense will improve. There must be comfort in the heads-up-the-ass posture. Will the Lions play like they did against Illinois or will they play like they did against Ohio State? Regardless of the health of Sean Clifford, it’s well-nigh impossible to predict!

Da Wedda

It’s that shitty time of year in the northeast, but it looks like the weatherman has given us a break on Saturday, with a high of 56 after an overnight low of 30. The field should not be frozen, and there will be periods of clouds and sun, so the boys can frolic.

Da Bottom Line

Time now for the amazingly inaccurate and moderately offensive Official Turkey Poop Prediction. I haven’t kept count of my failures, either straight up or against the spread, this season, but I know one thing: I suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Most of the unscientific prognostications are pulled straight out of my ass, in which no Sanguinarian heads can be found.

The gambling line, as I mentioned previously, is 10 in favor of Penn State, and the over/under is 56, Unless I’m missing something, I don’t think Penn State is 10 points better than the Terps, although I’ll knock a few points off their scoring average of 29.2 for losing those receivers. The gamblers are forecasting a 33-23 Nittany Lions win, but I’m not convinced they can score 33 points against anyone this year. The only thing that gives me hope is that their third-down conversions didn’t suck last week, so now they rank 85th in that category. Baby steps. Penn State 24, Maryland 20; take the under. (It would have been 27-20, but Stout will miss one field goal he should have made).

(I’ll be back to reluctantly report on this ridiculous game).

The Nittany Lions played their asses off but could not generate the needed offense to surmount the Shmuckeyes, blowing an early lead. As it wound up, #5 Ohio State (7-1, 5-0 B10) 33, #20 Penn State (5-3, 2-3 B10) 24. The Bucking Fuckeyes should retain their #5 position in the polls and are tied with Moo U. for the lead in the Big Ten East. On the other hand, Penn State will drop out of the Top 25. They are tied with next week’s opponent, Maryland, for middle-of-the-pack mediocrity in the highly competitive division.

They Shut Down the Run (big surprise)

Ohio State shut down the Penn State running game, but that’s old news. A Pop Warner team could deliver that knockout punch to PSU, which has struggled all year to move the ball on the ground. Absent from this game once again was the rushing contribution from Sean Clifford His passing game was back this week with a credible effort of 25-52 for 361 yards, a touchdown, and an interception. In contrast, his running suffered four sacks by the Schmuckeyes, which contributed a minus eleven yards to a net total of thirty-three yards rushing.

TreVeyon Henderson, the talented Ohio State freshman, made lunchmeat out of the Penn State rushing defense, with twenty-eight carries for 152 yards and a touchdown. He didn’t need any fancy sell-out offensive line maneuvers like Illinois used the previous week. His quarterback, C. J. Stroud, another freshman, also enjoyed a successful day against the vaunted Penn State defense, going 22-34 for 305 yards and a touchdown. The Big D did a good, but not great job of containing the talented tOSU receiving corps, seeming to concentrate on Chris Olave, who they held to forty-four yards, at the expense of allowing Smith-Njigba and Wilson to roam free.

WTF? Scratching My Head.

OK, so don’t we need to talk about Franklin and his whacko, momentum shifting fourth-down calls? How about that rotten banana of a field goal attempt by so-called triple threat Jordan Stout to hand the Schmuckeyes the sure victory? What happened there?

They Won’t Admit the Flaws

I know the Sanguinarians will be complaining about what might have been if Lovett hadn’t been “forced” out-of-bounds. Oh, how life would be if the officials hadn’t flagged the “erroneous” illegal touching penalty. However, that is bullshit and once again they’re grasping at straws. The officiating was even, if not perfect, and if anything, shaded a bit in Penn States’s favor. Like the targeting foul that cost tOSU a good defender. Even Davy Witvoet in the replay booth, a notable Penn State hater who once was chased by St. Joe at halftime of an Iowa game, made a favorable call.

Some High Points in Defeat

One thing that stood out for Penn State was the third-down efficiency, where they excelled, converting eleven of sixteen. Keeping that up, along with the associated 50-50 time of possession, will be keys to any successes in the remaining four games. The defense played hard and were grateful for the rest periods provided by the offense’s ability to sustain drives. ????? ?????

Who Are We?

After eight games, we know who these guys are, and we know all about their warts. They are not the 10-2 team many thought they would be this season. Say what the Sanguinarians will, idealists as they are, depth at key positions and the lack of ability to play solid ground-pounding football have been back breakers this season. “The injury bug” is part of the game and must be offset by having capable backups. A solid offensive line is the cornerstone of a dominating offense. Neither of these areas will improve at this late stage of the season, so we’re stuck with another middling finish.

Bowl Implications

The Sanguinarians are busy trying to figure out mathematically just what it will take to get Penn State its much deserved spot in the CFP. This might involve petitioning the NCAA to invalidate two of the past three outcomes on the grounds everyone knows we really won those games. It was solar activity, assassin squads targeting our wonderful quarterback and defensive players, and Covid-19. We should get a do-over, because it is obvious that the Nittany Lions belong in the Top Five. ???? ?????

Don’t make me laugh. Yes, the Toilet Bowl in Kohler, Wisconsin is again my prediction. This, as you six long-time readers know, is my characterization of a worthless post-season outing, typically in an undesirable venue attended by a few Penn State fans who “travel well.” I think at 5-3 with Maryland, Michigan, Rutgers, and Moo U. ahead, two more losses are likely. That would give us a barely bowl eligible 7-5. We would have a bit of a cushion to stay at six wins or above. Detroit and New York in December are distinct possibilities. Ew.

Where Be Dis Goin’?

We’ll finish above Indiana and Rutgers in the Big Ten East.

But where will Franklin be next year? His stock must be sinking fast. ??? ???? ?? ??????? ??? ?????

As a final note, I’m here to eat some crow. I was surprised by the Nittany Lions’ competitiveness against a quality opponent. The expected blowout did not occur. The team we saw last night can play on anyone’s home field and deliver a credible effort. We all know the flaws but let us give credit where due.

(After taking a little break from thinking about the annual cruelty known as college football, I shall return with a preview and prediction for the battle with the mighty turtles).