The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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Eek, a Freak from Turtle Creek!

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University of Maryland Terrapins

The title is a juvenile deprecation we Pittsburgh kids applied to our peers who lived in Turtle Creek, Pennsylvania, a suburb of da Burgh. The only connection to this week’s game is that both involve turtles, albeit obliquely. Despite its quasi-irrelevance, I decided to employ it because I found the subject of the season-ender with Maryland boring. Accordingly, I felt the need to amuse myself with a bit of nostalgia.

Getting down to the point, the #4 Penn State Nittany Lions (10-1, 7-1 Big Ten) host the Maryland Terrapins (4-7, 1-7) at 3:30 PM in Beaver Stadium on Saturday. Penn State’s playoff hopes are on the line on Senior Day. For Maryland, this will end one of their crappier seasons, but a win would surely lift their spirits going into the off-season. In the past, that win might be a reasonable possibility. However, this year, they are particularly hapless and impotent.

Maryland lost to PSU 51-15 last year at home in College Park. The Terps last won in that screwed-up 2020 Anthony Fauci season. Last week, they lost to Iowa 29-13. Iowa’s first team defense held Maryland scoreless in the first half. Sophomore replacement quarterback MJ Morris threw two interceptions in that game and the Terps produced only 98 yards on the ground. Senior NFL caliber receiver Tai Felton, who ranks fourth in the FBS in receiving yards, is a bright spot in the otherwise deficient Maryland offense. He had 6 receptions for 57 yards and two touchdowns. Felton’s usual battery mate is Billy Edwards, Jr., who is second in the Big Ten in passing. He suffered a thumb injury and is questionable for the Penn State game.

Thanks to Edwards and Felton, the Terps lead the Big Ten in passing offense, edging out USC and Oregon. But they are four from the bottom in rushing. Where they excel is in being penalized, where they are second only to UCLA. Defensively, while they might hope to impede Nick Singleton and Kaytron Allen, their pass defense is leaky, ranking 99th in the FBS.

Penn State will suffer with the loss of offensive linemen Anthony Donkoh and Alonzo Ford. It is this Turkey’s hope that they will balance the need to win this game with the potential for additional injuries. What good is getting into the playoffs if you’re crippled? Don’t answer that. Follow the money.

Da Wedda – What It Is Is COLD!

It’s going to be one cold mutha of a day, with a high of 30 and low of 21. No blizzard in the forecast, but gray skies could let loose a few flurries. The frozen ball will be heavy, but fortunately, dry. Hands will be cold, so look for some less than sure-handed pass receivers.

Da Bottom Line

First of all, I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving! I will let you know after the game whether I survived this most perilous time for birds of my feather. And now, the Official Turkey Poop Prognostication, that awful offal emanating from the cloaca of this foul old fowl.

Current betting line is PSU – 24.5 with an over/under of 50.5. Yeah, Maryland allows a lot of points. Let’s win this one in the first half and rest the starters. I’m going with Penn State 42, Maryland 13 and I’m taking the over.

I hope to see you back here in this space after the game with a recap of the season-ender.

MI

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Penn State 26, Minnesota 25

The title of this post suggests that it is about Michigan, right? MI is the USPS abbreviation for that state. What else could it be? So, I’m stupid and I think “MI” is an abbreviation for Minnesota? Nope. That ain’t it. “MI” stands for myocardial infarction. I stole its use as a chapter title from the late American author and Pennsylvania native from Shillington, John Updike. He employed it as a cannily ambiguous chapter title in “Rabbit at Rest”, which he wrote in 1990. This Pulitzer Prize winner was the final element in his “Rabbit” series, the first of which was published in 1960. But I digress.

Suffice to say that the Heart Attack Kids were at it again this week, letting an underestimated, determined opponent jump out to an early lead. The Minnesota lead persisted into the second half. But as scary as this game was to those whose lives hinge on Penn State reaching the CFP playoffs, it was one of the most entertaining Penn State games this Turkey has watched in sixty years of Nittany Lions fanhood.

Something for Everyone

It truly offered something for everyone, with more byzantine plot twists and turns than a British murder mystery. The Penn State punting and kicking game provided unexpected thrills in the first half. First, a Riley Thompson punt from the end zone was partially blocked, giving Minnesota a short field and enabling them to score on a crazy-ass double-reverse flea-flicker from Max Brosmer to Jameson Geers. Then, Penn State came back with a six-play touchdown drive that should have tied the game at 17-17. But Ryan Barker’s extra-point try was blocked and recovered by Ethan Robinson. He ran it 97 yards untouched for a two-point defensive conversion. That made the score 19-16 in favor of Minnesota going into the locker room at halftime.

By the way, that Nittany Lion touchdown drive had another entertaining aspect. A phantom pass interference call that turned an incompletion into a decent gain and a first down. Many looks at replays revealed that Allar’s pass was well out of bounds and therefore, uncatchable. Also, the interaction between the defender and the intended target, Harrison Wallace III, was negligible. We Penn State fans, knowing that we needed all the help we could get in this close encounter of the shitty kind, accepted the gift from the officiating crew.

Second Half Thrills

The second half would provide more thrills, chills, and spills, but in the end, Penn State snatched victories from the hungry jaws of defeat, showing the strength of character they have displayed in coming from behind in several games this season. That is the attitude and commitment level of champions, and it is what is necessary to progress in the playoffs. Against a very tough and determined Golden Gopher defense, they pulled it out, even effectively managing the clock on the stifling final drive.

Highs and Lows

Good Work, Tyler (as usual)

Minnesota head coach P.J. Fleck told the media, “We did everything we could do to shut down Tyler Warren, but he still got 102 yards.” The Minnesota game plan involved nullifying Warren on offense and Abdul Carter on defense. Drew Allar had a quietly competent day and was instrumental in the victory by converting three fourth downs on the game sealing drive. The Nittany Lions as a team committed no turnovers while forcing Minnesota QB Max Brosmer to turn the ball over twice, once on an interception and once on a fumble.

Innovative Play Calling (when they work, you look like a genius)

The fake punt was great. Boy, was it ever great!

How Low Can You Go?

On the other hand, the Nittany Lions were absolute shit cakes and molasses candy on third down attempts, converting one of eleven. That is 9% for those of you who are mathematically challenged. Absolutely putrid, with all due respect to a staunch and well-prepared Gopher defense. We got to see another talent of Tyler Warren’s when he rescued Penn State from a ridiculously busted fourth down play with an equally ridiculous 16-yard punt. And then, there was the blocked PAT for a defensive two-pointer. According to James Franklin, the blocking at the line of scrimmage deviated from their standard schema to allow the block for unexplained reasons.

Put The Gopher Clamps on Carter

Minnesota was effective at nullifying Abdul Carter, who wound up with only three tackles (one solo) the entire day. However, he was instrumental in preventing a late touchdown that could have won the game for the Boat Rowers. He popped outside to cover a behemoth would-be receiver on a tackle eligible play he sniffed out. The ball sailed harmlessly incomplete, and Minnesota settled for three. This left them a point behind with almost six minutes to go. Fortunately, they never got the ball back.

Always Take PSU’s Opponent and the Points?

Here again, we have an example of Penn State not covering the spread, which was seen at levels as high as 12.5 but settled down to 11 at game time.

Report Card

You know I don’t do stupid “report card” cliche crap. So, I’ll just use this space to bitch about others who use that tired old convention. Produce some new material, schmuckos! LEARN TO WRITE readable prose, so you do not need to use gimmicks, I implore you! Relax, I’m just playing with ya.

Governor’s Victory Bell Trophy

The pretty Governor’s Victory Bell Trophy, awarded to the winner of the Penn State-Minnesota game, which is not played every year, is now in Penn State hands. Unfortunately, so is the abominable Land Grant Trophy, which goes to whoever is unlucky enough to win the Penn State-Michigan State game. We’re stuck with that gigantic piece of George Perles-designed moose shit until the next time Moo U. beats us. Looking at the Spartans this year, that could be the Twelfth of Never. Another digression? Typical. Par for the course here, as you know. So, let’s move along.

So, Now What?

Well, one last game, the Senior Day home game against Maryland (4-7, 1-7 Big Ten), who suck. In that game, Penn State will try to avoid injuries but still come out with a win to secure a spot in the College Football Playoffs. I hereby request that there be no widow makers present and no “dullard looks” in evidence. The scheduled 3:30 PM kickoff should help with that, but only God knows what the weather will be like.

And, oh yeah, with Indiana having been clobbered by tOSU, if the latter should happen to lose to MI next weekend, it will create another MI scenario. Penn State will then play Oregon in the Big Ten Championship in Indianapolis, unless Washington pulls off a huge upset against the Ducks in the Border War. Wouldn’t THAT be cool? Not only one more game for PSU in the playoffs, but also an extra watching opportunity for us fans at the Big Ten Championship. Fun times!

But hold your horses. Gotta beat the Twerps first. Yep, go 1-0 this week. Uh huh.

While laying low as we turkeys must do around this perilous time of year that sees the mindless slaughter and birdicide of many of our hokie brethren, I’ll be back mid-week to deliver my assessment of the mighty Maryland Terrapins.

Row Your Damn Boat, Already!

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#4 Penn State (9-1, 6-1 Big Ten) at Minnesota (6-4, 4-3)

Minnesota Golden Gophers

This game is for all the marbles. That is, if there are any marbles in the Governors’ Victory Bell Trophy, presently in the trophy case at the All-Sports Museum at Beaver Stadium. If the Nittany Lions play well, Minnesota will be rowing its P.J. Fleck rowboat, while Penn State roars past with trophy in hand in its twin-diesel yacht. But this is a crazy dangerous game for PSU, especially if they slack off. The Gophers are deceptive, with a decent quarterback and one more serviceable wide receiver than what Penn State has, which is zero.

The Golden Rodents are coming off a tragic loss to Rutgers (5-4, 2-4), 26-19, in Piscataway. Before that, they handled Illinois, Maryland, UCLA, and USC, but lost to Michigan and Iowa. Rutgers held Minnesota to 35 yards rushing. Although the Scarlet Knights allowed 262 yards passing, they concentrated on covering senior wide receiver Daniel Jackson, one of the best out there (he ranks 6th in the conference).

The historical (and sometimes hysterical) record between the two combatants is tilted in Penn State’s favor 10-6. On Gopher turf, which is torn up with perilous holes and burrows, the teams have split 4-4. Minnesota has won some memorable games in the series, including the 2000 upset that heralded the onset of The Dark Years [cue minor-key cello].

What Dem Gophers Got

Senior Quarterback Max Brosmer is among the better quarterbacks Penn State has faced this year, ranked 8th best passer in the conference, a notch below Drew Allar. Although Jackson is his best receiver, he spreads the ball around to his secondary targets, who rate “not too bad”.

The Gopher ground game? Well, it sucks. You would think that ground-dwelling rodents would know how to handle stuff on the turf, but nooooooooooo. Minnesota is next-to-last in the Big Ten, averaging only 104.7 yards per game. They rely on two running backs, sophomore Darius Taylor and senior Marcus Major, who average 74.7 and 27.2 yards per game, respectively. Rutgers held Taylor to 28 and Major to 9.

How about the Boat-Rowers’ offensive line, you ask? Not so good, I say. We already covered their run support, but their pass protection is putrid, having given up 23 sacks this year. Brosmer’s ass must be pretty sore by this time.

Defensively, Minnesota shines brighter than many Nittany Lions opponents thus far, ranking fifth in the conference after tOSU, Indiana, and Oregon. The Rodents are in company there, and overall in the FBS, Gopher total defense ranks #11. They’re 34th in rushing defense and 17th in passing yards allowed, squarely between Penn State and Indiana. They also are tied for 7th in the FBS in turnover margin, averaging +1.2 per game (compared to Penn State’s +0.3).

In that connection there lies one great big caveat for the Penn State offense. Minnesota ranks 4th in the FBS and best in the Big Ten in passes intercepted. They have snagged 16 so far this year with 207 return yards. Their best secondary vacuum cleaner is freshman DB Koi Perich (named after two fishes), with five interceptions this year.

The kicking and punting situation is about the same for both teams. The Gophers use a familiar (albeit fishy) name, Koi Perich, for punt returns, and his numbers are as good as Nick Singleton’s in that role.

The Nittany Turkey’s Lame Keys to the Game for PSU

  1. Start strong and lead the race wire-to-wire
  2. Pressure Brosmer continually. He should be seeing #11 and #33 in his nightmares.
  3. Nullify Jackson either through double coverage or by cheating.
  4. Hear this, Drew Allar: No picks!
  5. Don’t look past this game thinking you’re already in the playoffs.

Da Wedda

Looks like a warming trend is in store for Minneapolis with a forecast high of 37 and a low of 32. A shitty-looking fall day is in store, with 98% cloud cover. Winds will be from the northeast at 4 with gusts to 10. Only a 12% chance of precipitation, which at those temperatures would be white. Kickoff is at 3:30 PM EST/2:30 CST. Sunset in the Twin Cities is at 4:37 CST. Accordingly, some of the second half will be played under the lights. The moon will be a waning crescent. Thus, there is no danger of a super-moon mooning the Gophers, as it did with Purdue. Both teams know how to play in cold weather — advantage no one.

Da Bottomus Linus

I thought I would sound smart if I wrote that heading in made-up Latin. Most of us clowns who write about football try to sound smart by endlessly reciting second-hand statistics, but I already did that above. I’m stalling, I know.

As I write this, the spread is Penn State – 12.5, with an over/under of 45.5, which suggests a final score of 29-17, PSU on top. The Nittany Lions do not need to play a perfect game, just a competent one, avoiding risky passes against the boat-rowing interceptors. Minnesota is capable of scoring points, too, so a good start is essential to avert one of those too close for comfort heart attack specials. I’m picking Penn State to go 1-0 this week but I also think they will make one stupid mistake that will cause it to be closer than it should have been. Penn State 31, Minnesota 24. They’re not covering the spread, and I’ll take the over.

I’m thinking that I covered it all, so don’t sue me if I left something out. It’s my birthday and I can do whatever I want. I will be back with you to pay penance for my egregious errors and omissions after the game.