Kent State (0-3) at #10 Penn State (2-0)

The game is set for 3:30 kickoff at Beaver Stadium on Saturday, the same time as #18 Michigan vs. #11 USC, among several other more interesting games.

It is hard to believe that Pittsburgh Steelers Hall of Fame linebacker Jack Lambert ever played for Kent State. The Pro Football Hall of Fame recognized him in 1990 as “the greatest linebacker of his era”. Lambert played at Kent State from 1971 to 1973. There, his teammates were Nick Saban and Gary Pinkel. So, what does that have to do with anything?

Well, sheeit, it was one way to motivate myself to write something this week. With the prospect of a meaningless game with a less than meaningless team, what the hell can I say other than, “Don’t blow it like you did with Bowling Green!” There is no upside to this game, only potential pitfalls.

Consider Kent State’s achievements this year, which include losing to St. Francis (currently in last place in the Northeast Conference), a Division I-AA (FCS) school who had never before beaten an FBS opponent. The Red Flash beat the Golden Flash 23-17, a victory sandwiched between losses to Dayton and conference opponent, Central Connecticut. Another momentous effort took place last week as Kent trailed #6 Tennessee 65-0 at halftime. They went on to lose 71-0, with the tacit application of the nonexistent Mercy Rule, probably the insertion of the third-string cheerleading squad after the intermission.

Cause for Boredom

ESPN Senior Writer Ryan McGee writes a column called “The Bottom Ten.” Guess which team is listed as the worst overall this week? You got it!

McGee commented, “We heard from so many angry loyal subjects of the State of Kent last week that we thought we were at a Renaissance Faire. Were they throwing tomatoes and casting witches’ spells our way because their beloved brethren were in the Bottom 10? Nay! They were hotter than a, well, Golden Flash, because last week they were — in the words of a Twitter/X user who I believe was named @YesJackLambertActuallyPlayedHere — “What do we have to do to prove to you morons that we are the worst team in football?” Turns out, trailing Tennessee 65-0 at the half was enough to do the trick.”

So, given all that very strong support for the Golden Flashes, is it any wonder that I am at a loss for words? Dumbfounded, with a B. Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered am I.

Let’s look at anything other than specifics for these teams, because I can no longer focus. Covid and the fog of the Bowling Green game have left me devoid of the ability for now. Plus, I have a natural tendency to look beyond this week to the loss against Illinois next week, assuming they beat Nebraska as I expect them to do tomorrow night. So what, pray tell, will we look at?

Distinguished Alumnus

Although he dropped out, Don King attended Kent State. The flamboyant boxing promoter is now 93, but still promoting fighters. Notoriously among his famous clients were Muhammad Ali, Larry Holmes, Tim Witherspoon, Mike Tyson, and Terry Norris, all of whom sued King. I find the subject of Don King about as distasteful as his erstwhile university, so I’ll move on to another distracting subject. I’m bored again.

Da Wedda

And so, the next subject that avoids discussing the two teams that will compete on Saturday, is the weather. Saturday’s AccuWeather forecast reads like this: “Sun giving way to clouds; fog in the morning, then a shower; there can be a rumble of thunder; a lightning delay cannot be ruled out at the game.” Oh yeah? Not a repeat of the WVU game! Please! Let us get this one over with quickly. By all rights, it should be over by halftime, so if lightning threatens after that, just call it.

The high is shown as 76F, with a 45% chance of rain. Beaver Stadium will likely have lots of empty seats to watch the empty suits on the field. Weather will not be a factor unless it causes a delay as mentioned by AccuWeather. In that case, hundreds of people may perish from boredom and from the riot that develops when all 200 fans attempt to exit Beaver Stadium at once.

Da Bottom Line

Having said nothing thus far, it is time for that weekly feature, the veritable climax of this column, entitled The Official Turkey Poop Prognostication, that unscientific, baseless prediction confidently posited by this foul fowl. Yea, verily, we pull ’em straight out of our ass here (aka our cloaca).

The spread on this game is a ridiculous seven touchdowns. Yeah, it’s Penn State minus 49, with an over/under of 55.5, which doesn’t give the Golden Flashes much of even a flash in the pan, equating to a predicted score of 53-3. Is our vaunted defense really going to give up that field goal?

I know that you who worship at the Temple of St. Joe would never admit that it is appropriate for the Nittany Lions to run up the score, but there are two good reasons for doing so here: 1) because they can, and 2) because they dropped two rungs on the poll ladder in the aftermath of the Bowling Green non-spread-covering fiasco, even though they didn’t play. On the other hand, arguing against myself while adopting the position that PSU will NOT run up the score, we have the convenient ability to hang our hat on the old maxim, “You can never go broke betting on Penn State not covering the spread.”

So, for my money (or lack of same), we’re looking at Penn State 47, Kent 6, and take the under (unless the Lions’ defense really sucks, in which case Kent could score 13). Penn State leads 7-6 at halftime.

I’ll be back after the game to provide my disinterested post-game observations and assorted retching and burping.

The Turkey has returned from vacation with a bad back and a case of Covid-19. I’m sitting here watching some weird college football on a bye week Saturday. For one, I am watching LSU get clobbered early by South Carolina. FSU, the self-destructing surprise of the year, is currently losing to Memphis. I can think of nothing better than watching Brian Kelly and FSU lose on the same day. Well, unless Notre Dame also loses. However, Alabama is now looking like Alabama after Wisconsin drew first blood, and the Tide now leads 14-3. So, now, my mind turns to Penn State.

Two weeks ago while on the road, I watched the WVU game, which gave me cause for increased optimism about the season. I suppose I am as stupid as the rest of the self-proclaimed experts who immediately concluded that the Nittany Lions were hot shit this year. A week later, the tune changed, although Sanguinarians are intent on minimizing the mail-it-in performance of the defense against Bowling Green. Fortunately, I did not watch that abomination because I was involved in a meeting that Saturday, but I received regular updates via text messages. Each time I picked up my phone I uttered, “WTF!?!?”

Sanity Break

The boys need a sanity break, so the bye weeks arrived just in time. Bye weeks? In my mind, the game with Kent next week provides a second bye week, but on second thought, I better keep my mouth shut. I hope that the Lions decide to show up and not deliver another “WTF?!?!?!” performance. Poor Kent won only one game last year and the Golden Flashes have already lost their first two this year. Facing Tennessee tonight, they’ll likely be 0-3 going into next week’s tilt. But i would rather the Penn State defense believes that they’re facing that other Ohio team that sports scarlet and gray. (Who is scarlet.)

My reflections during this bye week are trending toward deflation of my expectations for this team unless and until I see some serious commitment to defense. I’ll ask those of you who watched the Bowling Green game to tell me what the hell went on there? I have read game reports, but I would prefer cynically honest observations from my astute readers. Several of the reports expressed great optimism for the offense. Is this another way of saying that the defense sucks?

Still #8?

The AP voters are in denial. They preserved Penn State’s initial #8 over-ranking from the pre-season poll. The Coaches’ Poll put PSU at #7. They’re setting up the Lions for a Brett Bielema upset in the Big Ten opener two weeks from today. If the Illini can dispatch CMU this week and if they dump overrated Nebraska next week, they’ll be pumped up and ready. What could be better than knocking off #8 on their Penn State’s turf? This, of course, is fanciful speculation, requiring significant astral alignment to be brought to fruition, borne of my eroded confidence in Penn State.

“You’re not as bad as you think you are when you lose,…”

“… and you’re not as good as you think you are when you win.” That famous Saint Joseph (Paterno) quote comes to mind when I vacillate between thinking that the team sucks and it doesn’t. Beat WVU on their turf: doesn’t suck. Train Bowling Green for three quarters at home: sucks. So, wherever we left off is the direction my thinking inertia pushes me. That just paints me as a fair-weather fan, but you know better. I’ll follow the Nittany Lions whether they suck or not, which is validated by my history, which certainly includes (cue minor-key cello) THE DARK YEARS.

With two games now played, would any of you like to comment regarding adjusted expectations for the year, or do you believe that we have not yet seen a significantly large sample?

Now, back to coddling my Covid. (Take that whichever way you want).

I’ll be back mid-week with my further thoughts about Kent.

Love him or hate him, Steward Mandel of The Athletic always has an opinion. Yesterday’s offering was a complete, predictive ranking for the 2024 Big Ten Football Season. Mandel ranked our Nittany Lions fifth in the conference, with a 6-3 conference record and a 9-3 overall record.

The first thing that sticks out in my mind with respect to his assessment of Penn State is that if all three losses are Big Ten opponents, he’s ignoring the potential for an opening day surprise at Morgantown. We all have our opinions, and our panel of experts here at The Turkey is split on whether the Lions will prevail in the opener. However, none of us believe that the Lions can do much more than show up at the Horseshoe, and one assumes that Mandel feels the same.

The Rest of the Big Ten

Stewie, not to be confused with the baby in animated sarcasm TV series “Family Guy,” ranked tOSU, Oregon, Iowa, and Michigan above PSU in the Big Ten/Eleven/Twelve/Fourteen/Eighteen. Penn State plays only one of those four, namely, the Schmuckeyes, who many are picking to vie for the (still somewhat mythical) National Championship yet again this year. So, Dr. Mandel, which are the other losses?

You wanna know who Mandel ranked sixth in the conference, just below our Nittany Lions? Surprise, surprise! He’s got Rutgers there with an identical 6-3 conference record, 8-4 overall. Fortunately, State cannot lose to the Scarlet Knights (who is scarlet?) this year, because they’re not on the schedule.

Next in the Mandelorian ranking are Wisconsin, Nebraska, Northwestern, and USC, all at 5-4 in the expanded conference. Stew must be counting on two PSU losses among that group, but because the two “N-words” are not on the schedule, that means losses to Wisconsin and USC at Camp Randall and the LA Memorial Colisseum, respectively. My readers tend to agree, except for the closet Sanguinarians who are predicting 11-1 and a playoff berth.

About Penn State, Mandel says, “James Franklin is cycling in yet another offensive coordinator to hopefully get more out of Drew Allar, but the pieces around him seem limited. You can always count on the Nittany Lions to field a stout defense. The three-game stretch of at USC, at Wisconsin and home against Ohio State will define the season.” Yeah, so Mandel thinks the defining stretch will be replete with three losses.

butbutbut… Who is at the Bottom?

The Bottom five, as Mandel sees them, consist of Indiana, Minnesota, Maryland, and UCLA, who he picks with 2-7 conference records, plus all alone at the bottom of the bottom Moo U. at 1-8. While the Nittany Lions are unlucky enough to automatically retain custodianship over the abominable Land Grant Trophy for another year by default (by de fault dat dey ain’t playin’ Moo U.), they are lucky enough to have scheduled three of Mandel’s other cellar-dwellers.

Mandel’s comments about the Pac-12 refugees other than Oregon are less than optimistic. We’ll see whether any surprises are in store, particularly at the Caucasian-Out game hosting the Huskies. Anyhow, Mandel’s is one man’s take on the Big Ten, and it’s as good or bad as the rest of ours, until it isn’t.