The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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Sudden Impact: Bye Week Browsing

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Go ahead, make my day.

I haven’t done a “Sudden Impact” column for a while, so I thought it was about time that I rectumfied that. For those of you new to the blog, Sudden Impact is a collection of small stories and opinions this turkey digs up because I think they’ll be of interest to all seven of you, my ginormous community of readers. The name Sudden Impact is taking a piss on yet another one of those stupid hack sportswriter phrases you run into everywhere ad nauseam, “quick hits.” I’ll give you a quick hit — in the head, already, I’ll give you.

(“Quick hits” ranks right up there with “athleticism” and “it is what it is”, as well as using the present tense to express something that would have happened if what happened hadn’t happened, viz. “If Penn State converts that third down [which they just blew] then it’s a whole different game” or “if the Bucs don’t pitch Volquez, the outcome changes.” Yeah, I’m sick and tired of idiots who can’t speak the language being declared journalists and I have been so ever since the Cards put the inarticulate and countrified Dizzy Dean in the broadcast booth in 1941. It’s a travesty, I tell you! But I digress.)

So, today’s Sudden Impact looks around the newswires and social media for idiots spouting idiocy as well as intelligent people inciting to riot.

 

We begin with the latter, our friend and Penn State football historian Lou Prato, who tweeted:

Well, let’s keep fanning the flames, shall we? Sounds a lot like crying over spilt milk to me. As you know, I’m not one of those who believes that we need to mire ourselves in the past and contrive purported paranoid plots against us. If we quit reacting to disparagers, they’ll quit disparaging. In the words of Hillary Clinton, “What difference does it make?” What’s done is done (it is what it is LOL). Desmond Howard is a Michigan Man; Lou Prato is a Penn State man. We get it, already! Don’t make a pissing contest out of it, Lou! Whattya think, it will sell more books for you? If we want to stop being victims then let’s stop acting like victims. Damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead! Walk away from this shit knowing that we know better. Now let’s keep on piling on Michigan. Fire Brady Hoke! Yeah! (See, that was fun.) ****** But there is help for both Lou and Desmond in the offing here in Florida — well, maybe — if our #1 Central Florida personal injury lawyer (For the People) has his way:


Yeah, John Morgan is putting millions of bucks of his own money into the campaign to legalize weed in Florida. As you might or might not know, after former Republican governor Charlie Crist (who was born in Altoona, PA) made an unsuccessful run at U.S. Senate, he got a job working for John Morgan as a personal injury attorney. Now, Charlie is running for governor again this year, but he’s running as a Democrat. Ain’t Florida politics cool?

Think of the haven Florida will be for stoners when those two get their way and make 4/20 a legal holiday in Florida!

******

Hey, talkin’ bout “For the People”, life goes on in and around Penn State, where the beat goes on with a “major announcement” from the People’s Joe group.

There will be a rally in support of restoring Joe Paterno’s wins at the Student Bookstore downtown in State College during Ohio State weekend. I’m certain that lots of medically necessary weed will be passed around in that gathering. Read about it and see the video promo at Onward State.

******

A truther is a rabid devotee of horseshit—someone who can take any imperfection in a tragic narrative and construct an iron mountain of garbage from it.

Our irreverent friends over at Deadspin.com published an article called “A Field Guide to American Truthers.” Yeah, there’s a section for “Joe Paterno Truthers”. It’ll probably piss you off, but I found it kind of funny and it hits the mark with the “Typical Comment Section Argument.” Cracked me up — completely representative of the type of pseudo-victimized whining you see out there, even to this day. When are we going to get over it, already!

I like it when they comment in the “Chances They Are Right” section, “Who the hell knows when JoePa turned senile? Twenty years ago you probably could have hit him with a car and he wouldn’t known [sic] what was going on.” (As I recall, there was some incident with a lady hitting him while he did one of his balls-to-the-wall walks on campus, and he wasn’t quite sure what happened. LOL)

Otherwise, in this article, they cover everything from AIDS to the Kennedy assassination. I enjoyed it (not the Kennedy assassination, the article, damnit!), but then I like trash.

******

A quick note of condolence to fellow Pittsburgh Pirates fans. The Bucs lost in the one-and-done NL Wild Card Play-in game to the San Francisco Giants. Volquez loaded up the bases in the 4th and then gave up a grand-slam homer. That was all the Giants needed, but as if that was not enough, the Giants wound up winning 8-0. See you next spring, Buccos!

******

 In case you hadn’t heard, the Ohio State vs. Penn State game is as of this date an official sellout.

And on that note, we’re done here!

You know that the mighty have fallen when …

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… it is publicized as a big deal that the PSU vs. Michigan game kicks off at 7 pm in pseudo-prime-time, scheduled to be telecast on ESPN2. Maybe they should bring Pam Ward out of retirement to call the game!

Hoke’s Seat Gets Hotter

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Brady Hoke
How long can Hoke continue to deflect the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune?

It’s Tuesday and Brady Hoke still has a job at the University of Michigan — for now. Both he and his boss, Athletic Director Dave Brandon, are sitting in chairs that are getting hotter and hotter by the minute as pressure to fire both builds from a multitude of directions.

A sea of troubles.

Well, hell, no one likes a coaching controversy better on a crappy, rainy Tuesday when my arthritic joints are aching than this here Nittany Turkey!

Here’s some additional stuff for your consideration. It ain’t a question of “if”; it’s just a question of “when”. I say, get it over with!

The media, as expected, are now piling on. Such diverse rags and blogs as the New York Times, Washington Post, USA Today, CBS Sports, Bleacher Report, Deadspin, SB Nation, and the UM student newspaper are calling for Hoke’s head, joined by this Turkey, of course. The story made it to Good Morning, America and Today on lame morning TV. 

The machinations of this ever expanding lynch mob are growing in fervor and intensity. In the wake of all this attention, the University of Michigan has admitted that Shane Morris had a concussion and was allowed to play, in violation of the NCAA pseudo-student-athlete protection policy. Apparently, Hoke met at some point with Athletic Director Dave Brandon, who is in a hot seat of his own, to discuss the situation. No one knows what transpired in that meeting.

Hoke faced the media at this morning’s Big Ten coaches conference call, and stonewalled the whole thing, as one would expect. No doubt, he met with Brandon, but he also met with legal counsel, both personal and University corporate counsel. And speaking of Brandon, a “Fire Dave Brandon” rally is planned on the UM campus tonight. Will you be attending? Earlier, Brandon had discussed his handling of the Morris situation, apologizing for how the situation was addressed.

And so forth…

But Kirk Herbstreit of ESPN (yeah, yeah — you’re already warming up your fingers to show your tOSU hatred, so don’t bother), characterizes the whole thing as a witch hunt.

Oh, yeah? Well, there is, of course, something to that, no matter how pure of mind you are. I suspect that if UM was ranked in the top 10, all the furor would be external and it would quickly die. It is the Michigan fans, students, supporters, and alumni who are fanning the flames and pouring gasoline on them. Most of them would be silent if there was a chance at a national championship and the outside criticism would be summarily deflected. Performance allows — nay, breeds — arrogance.

The clock is ticking.

Tick-tock…