Where were those Badgers who had made Thanksgiving mincemeat out of the Big Ten? Huh? Were they out in a field somewhere multiplying, along with the mushrooms and snakes? Where the hell were they yesterday when they wound up being throttled by the Nittany Lions 31-24? Man, they had everything going for them — home field, BCS opportunities, huge point spread (25 points???) — but somehow they managed to look more like a struggling underdog out there. With nothing to lose or to gain, Penn State outplayed them and emerged victorious. All hail the mighty Lions!

For a change, turnover margin was decidedly on Penn State’s side, with the good guys intercepting Joel Stave three times. Two of those picks led to touchdowns. And although erratic kicking and a veritable of plethora of motion penalties told the story of a less than perfect effort by the Lions, they were able to make the big plays and ultimately prevail.

Apparently overly impressed with themselves, with the point spread, and with the pre-game hype that marginalized the Nittany Lions, Wisconsin came out flat and stayed flat the entire game. They knew Penn State would try to stuff the run, loading up the box, but their attempts to find alternatives revealed a less than competent passing game. When Stave was not being intercepted or making just plain crappy throws, his receivers were dropping catchable balls. He made 29 of 52 passes for 339 yards, three TDs, and three INTs. Messrs. Gordon and White combined for 147 yards on the ground.

Christian Hackenberg had a much better day, his best so far as a Nittany Lion, completing 21 of 30, with four TDs and no INTs. He also had exactly 339 yards. Zach Zwinak was given the vast preponderance of the running chores, carrying 22 times for 115 yards. Bill “I Sick” Belton had only three carries for seven yards.  Back to da passing, Hacky spread the ball around to his cadre of receivers, which by the way did not include the previously categorized as increasingly unreliable Brandon “Don’t Call Me Moseby” Felder, who is presently in this turkey’s doghouse. This time, the rookies did well, giving us some warm feelings about the Nittany Lions’ future, with Geno Lewis catching three for 91 yards and two TDs, and Adam Breneman catching three for 78 yards and a TD. Allen “Gimme da Damn Ball” Robinson got his contractually obligated eight receptions, once again matching his uniform number. That’s the way it has to be. It is so written. Amen.

This turkey is impressed with a team that doesn’t quit. With nothing to play for but pride, they marched into Camp Randall and dismantled the overstuffed, overrated Badgers, who looked off-kilter from the opening kickoff right on through the rest of the game. No one — and I mean no one — saw this coming! I personally did not believe that the Nittany Lions could pull off a winning record this year, and yet, here they are finishing up at 7-5. Great job, guys! Don’t let the Sanguinarians’ displeasure with anything less than an 11-1 season daunt your overachieving asses. And to the football superstitionalists and their numerologist cousins, I guess you were right about this one!

So does this mean that the Sanguinarians will be setting up unreal expectations for next season? Perhaps so, because that is the nature of a Sanguinarian, but so I won’t dwell on that for a while. So this is a win to feel good about, so let’s just feel good for a while, savor it, and enjoy the feeling, so… After all, it’s a lonnnnnnnng off-season, during which it is a helluva lot be’-er to walk around with a sweet taste of victory than a bi’-er pill of defeat. Good show, guys!

Given all they were up against again this year without even considering some devastating injuries, 7-5 is worthy of a celebration. Throw in the injuries and it’s damn near a miracle.

******

Crazy-ass games abounded during this rivalry week! FSU, as expected, manhandled the toothless Gators, who finished the season with their crappiest season since 1979. Hell, Charley Pell was the coach back then and they finished 0-10-1. The Seminoles will play for the ACC championship next week against a crazy-ass, unlikely opponent, Duke.

Then, there was the crazy-ass Ohio State vs Michigan game with the crazy-ass decision to go for two in the waning seconds when a kick would have tied it. Michigan, I suppose, had nothing to lose by going for the win, but Paul Somerville and the statgeeks will tell you that their odds would have been slightly better in overtime than going for two. So, they lost 42-41. Bummer, because that means OSU is undefeated and will likely get their asses kicked by FSU in the SSMNC game, if things play out as expected. However, Moo U. could be spoilers next week in the B1G championship game in Indianapolis. I’ll be rooting for them.

Of course, you all know about the crazy-ass finish to the Iron Bowl, with Nick Saban deciding to kick a long field goal instead of playing it safe on fourth down, and said crazy-ass long field goal missing and returned the length of the field by Auburn for the win. Yeah, earlier in the day Lee Corso had put on the elephant head but guest predictor Charles Barkley — the erstwhile Round Mound of Rebound of Auburn — correctly predicted that the Tigers would emerge victorious. They’ll face Mizzou in the SEC championship next week, after those other Tigers pissed off the vaunted asshole Johnny Manziel in their own crazy-ass game. The LSU Tigers, the Grambling Tigers and the Princeton Tigers can only sit home and watch, although the boys with the striped socks actually did win the Ivy League. The Clemson Tigers, who lost to South Carolina, will be wondering what might have been, as their season evaporated before their very eyes. So OK, enough already with the Tigers.

******

I want to thank youse guys, the readers, for bearing my bullshit for another great season of Penn State football. Every week I demonstrate how little I know about the subject. My job is to get the conversation started and you make me look good by taking that ball and running with it, making the world a better place. So, special thanks to those who write copious comments: BigAl, jd, Joe, K. John and others too numerous to mention; and equally special thanks to the silent readers who keep coming back for more. I know who some of you are, but from the hit counts I know there are more of you out there. Whether you join in the fray or just sit back and watch the action, I am flattered that you spend some of your valuable time here. Thank you all for a fine season and a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all of you! (And Happy Hanukkah to you Landsmen and Happy Holidays to you atheists, etc., etc., political correctness, you know.)

I’m eating Thanksgiving leftovers and I think I had too much wine. Still, even. I hope you all had a very happy and non-dysfunctional Thanksgiving with your families.

So, I’m thinking: Why do we now start and end spoken sentences with “so”?  So there’s no good reason for it and I don’t like it, so… It serves no actual purpose to interject “so” at the beginning or end of a sentence and you’re only doing it because you heard someone else do it, so cut it the hell out! So, chupacabras don’t need hair and your stupid sentences don’t need superfluous non-functional words. So, sue me.

When I get that sentence starting with “so” crap flung at me, I’m thinking that a long, boring story is about to be launched. “So, a guy walks into a bar…” But these days, it doesn’t imply a segue or a consequent or a verbal change of pace. It’s just something to say. It doesn’t have to make sense. It’s vogue. It suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.

So the Wisconsin game is upon us and so this turkey — who miraculously escaped the Thanksgiving butcher block  once again — is full of shit as usual, so…

The Nittany Lions (6-5, 3-4 B1G) travel to Madison to meet the #15 Wisconsin Badgers (9-2, 6-1 B1G) for a chance to repeat last year’s miraculous victory that warmed our hearts with an improbable 8-4 season that will always be known because it was accomplished by a “bunch of fuckers.” What lies in store this year, however, might create only heartburn.

The Nittany Lions remain mired in mediocrity while the Badgers have made Thanksgiving mincemeat of the Big Ten, with the exception of Ohio State, to whom they lost by a single touchdown. Their only other loss was broadly acknowledged to be the result of a bad call that allowed Arizona State to prevail 32-30. The Badgers are coming off a 20-7 victory over Minnesota, while the Lions, well, you know what happened last week against Nebraska.

The sad fact for Wisconsin is that they’re in the wrong Big Ten division. They’re probably good enough to give tOSU a good run for their money in a second encounter, but they won’t get that opportunity. Rose Bowl hopes are still marginally alive, but Capital One might be their fate, especially if Moo U. has something to say about it.

Penn State, of course, has nowhere to go after this game, and they’re squawking big time about it being “their bowl game.” Yeah, right. I’ll give you their bowl game, already. In the head, I’ll give you.

The Badgers like to run the football. They’ve always liked to run. See Wisconsin run. Run run run. Their offensive line is huge, as usual. Two guys carry the load running the football, James White and Melvin Gordon to produce the second best rushing attack in the Big Ten and the eighth best in the country.

However, don’t write off Wisconsin’s ability to go to the air, which they do do occasionally and they do do that voodoo that  you do so well, so…  In spite of their 95th overall ranking in passing yards, they have weapons. Jared Abbrederis is a threat and he must be contained. So he averages over 15 yards per catch and has seven touchdowns. So redshirt sophomore quarterback Joel Stave has completed 63% of his passes with 17 touchdowns and only nine interceptions. A problem exists in that Adrian Amos hurt his foot against Nebraska, which means that an already suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugalicious Penn State secondary might possibly be hurting even more.

Wisconsin allows only 13.4 points per game. Mighty Indiana scored only a field goal on ’em. Of course, two patsies who were shut out early in the season, UMass and TTU, skewed that average downward. But hell, we all have our patsies, so…

Can Penn State employ its resurgent running game to advantage against the Badgers? Well, We’re dealing with the 7th overall ranked rushing defense (3rd in the B1G), which allows only 99.1 yards per game. I suspect that rushing yardage totals will be somewhat demure in the final stats, as it were. We’ll probably get to see the entire Nittsky Lion troika of runners in this game, as it is this turkey’s fervent hope and dream that Bill “I Sick” Belton has recovered.

Wisconsin ranks 10th nationally in passing yards allowed. So, opponents have thrown only eight touchdown passes against them. It will be interesting to see what gives with Christian Hackenberg and Allen “Gimme da Damn Ball” Robinson when Penn State’s run is shut down and they’re forced to pass.

So the one team that should clean Penn State’s clock quite thoroughly is suckier than even Sam Ficken at kicking field goals — employing a place kicker by committee approach, they miss a third of them. However, on the other hand, so they have a great return unit that leads the B1G while their coverage unit is competent. I wouldn’t be surprised to see another coverage breakdown leading to a score against the Nittaroos.

And speaking of breakdowns, how’s PSU doing with respect to its season-long third down conversion suckage? Last week was yet another abortion, meaning that the Lions didn’t crack the top 100 in that category. They’re safely ensconced at #104, with a 34% completion rate. That suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks!

And how about turnovers? They’ve actually improved to a -5, good for a tie for 89th.

Distinguished Opponent’s Alumnus of the Week

So, where would we be without William Sylvester Harley? I’ll tell you where we wouldn’t be: hog heaven! Why? Because William S. Harley, along with Arthur Davidson, founded the Harley-Davidson Motor Company (NYSE stock symbol HOG) in 1903 and was its chief engineer until he died in 1943.

Harley received a degree in Mechanical Engineering from the University of Wisconsin-Madison in 1907.

A veritable legend who founded a legendary company.

Da Wedda

You should know better than to ask me about Wisconsin weather in late November? Why? Because you know it suuuuuuuuuuuuucks! Kickoff will be at 3:30, just as the temperature begins to fall from its daytime high of 36° on the way to its overnight low of 20° — a warm, balmy late fall day at Camp Randall. The weatherman says “some sun”, whatever the hell that means. (Today, he said “partly sunny” and Sunday, he’s forecasting “partial sunshine”, so I guess “some sun” is somewhere in-between.) Winds will be negligible. Humidity is 7%, something a Floridian would kill for until he or she realizes that it means getting jolted repeatedly by static electricity when touching metal objects. No preciptation is forecast. Global warming? Harrumpph!

So, Predict Already!

So we’ve reached that part of the post in which your fearless forecaster (not the AccuWeather guy) takes a shot at predicting the game at hand, so…

Nobody particularly cares about this game except for partisans of the two schools. Why? The Iron Bowl, Alabama vs Auburn, kicks off at the same time. (So does Purdue at Indiana, but I digress).

So even so, the gamblers have established a 24.5 spread (you can guess in whose favor) with an over/under of 49.5. This suggests a Wisconsin win with a score of about 37-13. The money is pretty lopsided in favor of Wisconsin, but there is a sizable contingent of PSU homeys who cannot resist getting what they think is an overlay.

It isn’t. Wisconsin is that much better. Sue me if I’m wrong, but I think the Lions will have a hard time getting their asses out of the blocks for this one. (If you want to use sportspeak to murder the preceding sentence as is the present vogue in sports talking and sports writing, you couch it  like this: “Sue me if I’m wrong, but the Lions have a hard time getting out of the blocks for this one.” Huh? People are actually not only speaking like that, but are also writing that way, too. Is nothing sacred? Oh, hell, I’ll use that abominable technique in my prediction just to get it the hell out of my system.)

Wisconsin has something to play for — a better bowl. Penn State has to play for — the seniors. [Begin abominable ESPN sportspeak vogue grammar.] If Penn State plays this at home as it did last year, if Penn State has the senior leadership it had last year, and if Penn State isn’t bitten by the injury bug [that expression makes me puke, too — LOL :D], that bunch of Penn State fuckers win in a heartbeat. WTF did that mean? So none of those conditions are true, meaning PSU goes down in flames. Wisconsin 42, Penn State 6. Take the under.

I’ll be back after the game with a recap and the usual bullshit. As for now, I’ve got a hockey game to watch.