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A rose is a rose is a rose…

Posted on December 30, 2008 Written by The Nittany Turkey

With apologies to Gertrude Stein, may she not roll over in her grave, I could not come up with a better title for this Turkey’s Official Rose Bowl column, into which I shall launch myself forthwith.

(By the way, this is not Short Attention Span Theatre here. This post is long and it is comprised of a seldom used feature of the language called “paragraphs”, which, by their nature, are meant to contain more than one sentence apiece. If you can’t handle anything more than 10-second TV sound bites, there are lots of places to go for that kind of stuff.)

This is a helluva Rodney Dangerfield year for the Big Ten and the Nittany Lions. The Big Ten bowl teams are favored in but one of their matchups, that one being Iowa over South Carolina (although the visor chucking Steve Spurrier will do his best to confound the Hawkeye defense by playing each member of the Gamecock junior class at quarterback for one down, but I digress). I’m growing violently ill and quite weary of all the defensive machinations I’m reading. Why the hell do all these hacks write the same crap?

Duh. If you’re partial to USC, write that we wuz robbed, we deserve a better opponent, we shoulda been in the so-called contrived national championship game. If you’re partial to PSU, you write that nobody is giving us any respect, the Big Ten does not suck and here’s why, the commentary is biased, ESPN sucks, and yeah, maybe Ohio State went to the SSMNC twice in a row and lost big twice in a row, but we’re different because we’re Penn State and we’re not biased, we’re just right. Besides, what the hell do odds-makers in Las Vegas know about football? Enough opinionated crap is enough!

I’m not here to say whether anyone else is right or wrong. I’m here to say two things.

First, all you so-called writers out there, get off the defensive stance and start writing something! Yeah, I know. It’s a cruel world. The national sports press favors USC—I must say for some pretty damn solid reasons—and it’s we, the downtrodden Penn State bloggers against the universe. So, we get defensive and thereby graphically demonstrate our weakness. I say, ignore the bastards! Don’t take offense at them. Don’t get into macho posturing with them. Don’t write endless “tales of the tape” in lame efforts to grasp at whatever straws you think will give Nittany Lions fans a glimmer of hope. Just let this damn thing be settled on the field. Let the better team win, and don’t bitch if it isn’t Penn State. Be strong.

Second, where there’s smoke, there’s fire. The Trojans are mute testament to how playing consistently at the highest level will buy you one of the best teams in college football year after year. (Yes, I said buy. Without any cash being transacted, these NFL-capable players they get are essentially NFL annuities that pay dividends to their college beneficiaries.) The Trojans are not the creation of the sports media. They’re an excellent football team, with a storied history, few apparent weaknesses, and a lot of guys who will, indeed, play on Sundays. So, let’s give them credit where it is due and be bigger than those who purportedly don’t give us any respect.

You already know what Penn State has: an upstart team with a few excellent players, a good work ethic, some savvy coaching, and a superb bowl history. Give Paterno a month to prepare for a bowl and good things can happen. In fact, they usually do. However, weaknesses abound, and we cannot minimize them or sweep them under the proverbial rug.

On Thursday evening at 7:30 ET, all the bullshit will be meaningless, anyhow. So, for now, let’s celebrate two great teams, two storied histories, two great NFL prep programs, and the forthcoming conclusion of all the less than eloquent, formulaic hype.

Speaking of hype, the marketing folks at Disney/ABC/ESPN must be seriously worried about ratings for this Rose Bowl (presented by CITI), as they’ve been promoting the hell out of it at every opportunity, at every halftime show, at every basketball game, at every interstitial, everywhere! In one supposedly extemporaneous senile outburst, the venerable Lou Holtz actually said that if he had the choice of going to either the BCS National Championship Game or the Rose Bowl presented by CITI, he would want to see the Rose Bowl game. (Presented by CITI — lol.) It did not really sound believable, but anything that comes out of Holtz’s mouth is suspect, anyway. ESPN has had other supposedly impromptu analyst bull sessions discussing the matchup and they always seem to have been scripted in advance. It is almost funny, particularly when bon mots about Penn State are uttered by chronic PSU detractor Craig James. I hold no doubts that someone held the proverbial gun to James’ head in order to get him to recite that pro-PSU litany I heard this evening! Those marketing guys with the mouse ears clearly are not Penn State believers, but they are only interested in creating some interest in what they perceive to be a poor audience draw.

Let me give you this Turkey’s concerns about the Nittany Lions. It makes more sense to talk about things Penn State can do to not beat themselves than it does to talk about how to “exploit” USC’s weaknesses. (USC doesn’t really have weaknesses, except maybe their punting game. Of course, they don’t have to use that weapon very much.)

The Lions MUST come out swinging from the git-go—no ifs, ands, or buttheads. If they play their typical 2008 road game (or Temple game) in which they come out with their thumbs up their asses for much of the first half, they’re going down in flames. This has been a source of excruciating frustration during the year and it must end now!

The Lions MUST take care of the ball on offense and force turnovers on defense. Do you get that same queasy feeling that I do when Clark is running with the ball, the feeling that the play might not have a happy ending? We’re conditioned by some of his past exploits. It’s a legitimate fear. He can’t afford to fumble or throw dumb picks in this game.

The Lions MUST be aggressive on defense and must put pressure on Trojan quarterback Mark Sanchez. If given time, Sanchez will pick apart the Penn State secondary. There are just too many offensive weapons on this USC team, including a triumvirate of excellent running backs and a quartet of NFL receivers. Sanchez is no Carson Palmer or Matt Leinart, you say? You’re right. He’s Mark Sanchez, and he’s pretty damn good.

The Lions MUST avoid slow-developing plays. Please, Galen, please get rid of that Williams end-around that rarely succeeds. (You say, “Yahbut, when it does, it can go for a big gain!” I say, “This is USC, dolt!” Mr. Williams, meet Mr. Maualuga.) Those Samoans are going to be playing in the Penn State backfield all day. The play selection must take that into account and the execution must be flawless. On passing downs, face the fact that Clark will be sacked at least a few times, and he better know how to get rid of the ball and, if he can’t, how to eat it and take the loss instead of doint something stupid.

The Lions MUST do what got them there. Using their very good wide receivers and including some Daryll Clark runs in the mix was a winning formula. When they played sphincterball, they were vulnerable. When do they play sphincterball? When Clark is hurt, for one. When it’s an away game, for another. This is an away game for all intents and purposes. (USC has a 40-minute bus ride to Pasadena and practices at home.) Clark isn’t hurt, but his primary backup, Pat Devlin, bolted to FCS Delaware so he could get himself some playing time, so the coaches might be tempted to be cautious about exposing Clark’s soft underbelly. They better not be! Those running plays have to happen to keep an extremely good defense guessing.

I’ve caught wind that Derrick Williams is taking snaps as a potential backup for Clark. I have mixed feelings about that. Paul Cianciolo is around, and although he’s had damn little playing time, what is this, an NFL Championship game? Shouldn’t Cianciolo be the backup now?

There are some distractions, aside from the babes on Santa Monica beach. Red-shirt sophomore All-America Aaron Maybin has asked the NFL Draft advisory board for evaluation, as has junior Jared Odrick. Both have expressed their intention of returning to Penn State next year. However, it is this Turkey’s opinion that in Maybin’s case, that’s a load of crap. Maybin has been projected to go as high as #5 overall if he declares—and that’s a lot of money to put on the line behind another unpaid college season where there is no greater reward and the downside risk is a career-ending injury. Maybin would be a damn fool to stay. School spirit? Pshaw. It’s a money business. You’ve got your head up your ass if you don’t know that. However, if you have actual injuries, then you can hire attorney for injury claims and find a solution for the same!

Speaking of that, once in a while, I have to rant about what college football has become—at least big-time FDS (Female Deodorant Spray) college football, also known as FBS, formerly known as Division I-A, and functionally acting as the NFL farm system. Yea, verily, FBS football is football’s equivalent of the Minor Leagues in baseball. As much as the NCAA has been hyping student athletes and their academic accomplishments of late, you and I know what it’s all about. Show me the money! Anyhow, along these lines, I want to share with you a quote from a good friend of many years whom I shall call Toejam, who was a contemporary of mine at Penn State. Through the years, he’s been a great supporter of the program and has had season seats as long as I can remember, and club seats now that they exist. His feelings echo those of many others with whom I’ve spoken and corresponded, so I thought I would include them here.

Everyone is asking are we going to the Rose Bowl. Even though we were there once, I always thought I’d like to go back. I think I am getting tired of Penn State. It is just not the same. Sometimes, I wish I would have gone to Lehigh or Lafayette. That is real scholar athlete football. PSU football has gotten too big for its britches. It is almost like professional sports, which I abhor, even though I do watch Eagles and Steelers football. When my Club Seat contract expires, I probably won’t renew. I can save money by going through “Rick the Scalper” and only go to the better match-up Big Ten and other games. Even though we did not stay over, it cost me $492 to see Coastal Carolina, and I left at the middle of the third quarter. Perhaps if they go to a playoff, where you can play Alabama, Texas, Georgia and LSU and lose, but still make the playoff by winning you conference it will be worth $500 per game.

I agree that it has become something that it was originally not, and it certainly is all about the money. However, let’s end this commentary on a more positive note. The state of the game is one thing, but the people who comprise it are something else.

I don’t buy into the crap that seems to pervade our society these days where if you’re not number one, you’re a piece of total shit, or you were robbed, or you don’t get no respect, or whatever the hell. Accordingly, my hat is off to this team, particularly the seniors. It is a damn fine distinction to get into the Rose Bowl and have even a piece of the Big Ten Championship. These guys deserve all the credit in the world, and then some. Derrick Williams took a particularly big chance on Penn State, the team coming off a 4-7 season when he committed. He and the rest of the seniors you’ll see on the field are the creme de la creme of Penn State football, guys who have stuck with it through thick and thin, through injury and health, through media and fan scorn and plaudits, and who have surmounted allegations of a program in decline to focus on what they do best: excel on the football field. They have brought off the great feat of taking a 4-7 team to two BCS bowls and two other good bowl games. No matter what happens on the field on Thursday, these guys are all winners and they deserve your respect and admiration. They certainly have mine.  No Rodney Dangerfield moments there.

Moreover, big kudos to Joe Paterno and his coaching staff for another fine season. Given all the crap that has been slung at Joe, lesser men would have folded, um, 60 years ago. Let’s give Joe and his accomplishments credit where it is due, too. Would you want the team to be in anybody else’s hands on the cusp of a big bowl game? If Penn State loses, it won’t be because of coaching. All you LazyBoy coaches out there just shut your incompetent mouths for a while and watch a master at work. Someday, if you’re lucky, you might use a few tricks you learned from Joe when you coach your Pop Warner team, which, incidentally, is where you’ll top out as a football coach, unless you never transcend just writing about it. Come on, folks, let’s give Joe some props, whatever the hell “props” are. (Um, I feel a rant coming on about  Ebonic street lingo, but that’s another post for another time.)

On that note, we come to that for which you have been waiting all season: The Sure-Handed Infallible Turkey Poop Instant Score Seance (SHITPISS), Rose Bowl edition. As for the gambling line, USC is favored by 9, with an over/under of 45. That’s what has led to all the pseudo-wonks bitching that “Vegas doesn’t know football.”

Before I get to my prediction, however, I’ll tell you a damn story. Why? Because that’s what I do. You know, the aforementioned anti-PSU national press reminds me of the similar situation surrounding the 1994 Citrus Bowl, in which the Nittany Lions were very lightly regarded against hugely favored Tennessee. I live in the Orlando area, so I was there. On the way to the game, I parked my car at a Park-and-Ride location that happened to be a multi-level parking garage, where I seemed to be surrounded by large masses of orange-clad Volunteer fans humming Rocky Top to each other and smiling knowingly (albeit toothlessly) at each other. On the elevator, they were bitching and moaning, wishing they could have had “a better quality opponent” and other such demeaning, ignorant blue tick coonhound bullshit while I just smiled at them, knowing something they didn’t know. The most prolific offense in NCAA history to that point was forming up in the PSU locker room and this Citrus Bowl game would be its coming out party. The game was essentially over at halftime, when in the final seconds of the half Ki-Jana Carter scored on a draw play on third-and-goal from the 10. Better opponent, indeed! On the way back, there were lots of orange clad, non Rocky Top singing heads hanging low from the 31-10 beat down as well as the moonshine hangovers they were about to have to endure.

OK, OK! Enough stalling. This Rose Bowl game will not go the way of that Citrus Bowl, alas. Penn State has a very good, but not great team this year. They’ve been known to have lapses. If they do that in this Rose Bowl (presented by CITI) game, they’ll be torched big time, with USC scoring 45 or more points. I happen to be a Nittany Lion fan and I also know how Coach Paterno prepares these young guys for big bowl games, so I don’t think that will happen, but just the same, I don’t think they can pull this off. They’ll all play their hearts out, but they’ll come up short. USC 27, Penn State 16.

This Turkey will be serving Tequila Sunrises during the game as a salute to USC’s colors. After the game, those who remain in The Cave will become absintheurs to soothe our collective wounds.

I wish all you readers out there a very happy, healthy, and prosperous 2009. Those of you who have stuck with me through thick and thin and all my silliness and obstreperousness deserve my respect and admiration. Thanks for being you!

 

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Filed Under: Penn State Football Tagged With: JoePa rules, Penn State don't get no respect, Rodney Dangerfield, Rose Bowl, using zero as an adjective, Will Paris Hilton be at the game?

Paterno Gets New Contract, Newsome Signed

Posted on December 16, 2008 Written by The Nittany Turkey

Nittany Lions head coach Joe Paterno has agreed to another three year contract with the PSU administration, according to Fight On State. Joe has long said that he doesn’t need a contract, but now he has one, anyway. This one will give him the reins until 2011, when he turns 85.

FightOnState.com has learned from several university sources that Paterno and Penn State have agreed in principle to a multi-year contract extension that will keep him at the helm of the Nittany Lion football program for at least three more seasons. The sources spoke on the condition of anonymity.

The deal is expected to be signed and announced by the end of the week.

Perhaps no coincidence, Kevin Newsome, a top quarterback recruit out of Virginia, was signed today.

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Filed Under: Penn State Football Tagged With: Joe Paterno, new contract, this ought to help recruiting

Trouble in Brooklyn, A One-Act Play

Posted on December 12, 2008 Written by The Nittany Turkey

Scene I. Saturday. Kerryman’s Tavern.

[Inside a seedy Irish Bar, two rough and tumble Irishmen, Declan and Mark, sit at the bar discussin’ their disdain for the situation in Brooklyn with Mark’s son Paddy.]

Mark: I don’t like what’s goin’ on with the Big Wop. My son was suppose ta get a bigger piece of the action in Brooklyn.

Declan: Problem is, it’s all blood with them Italians. Giuseppe’s son is runnin’ Brooklyn and there’s no way to get through to Sonny about Paddy. He don’t listen to Paddy. He won’t listen to us.

Mark: Then we’ll see Don Giuseppe himself. We’ll tell him that Paddy will leave the Organization if he can’t get a bigger piece. We’ll give him a list of demands.

Bartender: You guys better watch your asses. Giuseppe doesn’t take kindly to outsiders telling him how to run his organization.You might wind up with that list shoved right up your kiesters while you take a proverbial celestial dirt nap.

Declan: The Big Wop isn’t so big anymore. He’s been in the hospital. He’s had surgery. His people are never happy with him. This must be the right time, before the Festival of St. Anthony. He’ll have lots of shit on his mind. He needs Paddy. He’ll recognize the folly of his ways. We’ll arrange a meeting. We’ll give him our list. We’ll threaten him that Paddy will leave the organization.

[The bartender crosses himself.]

Scene II. Monday. Don Giuseppe’s office in Brooklyn.

[Guiseppe sits at the huge, intimidating desk with Lieutenant Guido at his side. Declan, Mark, and Paddy are patted down by a couple of large men in silk suits, as they enter the office.]

Don Giuseppe: Guido, fix my guests a drink. There’s some Old Bushmill’s over there. I had it flown in from Ireland. Then please leave and close the door behind you.

Giuseppe [to the Irishmen]: Please sit down. Why do you come to see the Godfather?

Mark: It is about my son Paddy, Godfather. He works for Sonny. When he joined the organization, he was promised a major piece of Brooklyn. But Sonny chose the black guy. Now, Paddy must sit and wait. I’ve brought with me a list of issues we have with Sonny.

[Mark presents list to Don Giuseppe.]

Giuseppe: This is my son you speak of. You have issues with my son that cannot be addressed between him and Paddy, so the three of you come to my office. We talk about business here. Family is off the table. Your list means nothing. What do you have to say for yourself, Paddy?

Paddy: I was a star in my neighborhood. I came here to make the big time. I’m not gettin’ anywhere, Godfather. I want more of Brooklyn.

Giuseppe: My guests, the ways of this organization are time honored and immutable. You Micks know what immutable means? I didn’t t’ink so. It means things work the way they do, and you don’t question them. You know how many neighborhood stars we get here? They’re a dime a dozen. Nobody becomes a made man on prior reputation. Paddy will get his share of Brooklyn when he earns it.

Paddy: That’s not what I was hopin’ for. If you don’t fix it, I’ll leave.

Giuseppe: My young Irish friend, no one man is bigger than the organization. What I am saying is that they ain’t no “I” in “team.” Capisce? I now will make you an offer you cannot refuse. Listen to me carefully. If you work with Sonny and make him happy, it is possible that you could have a bigger piece of Brooklyn by 2010. In the meanwhile, you must do as you are told.

Paddy: Then I must leave the organization. I can’t wait that long.

Giuseppe: That is your decision to make. Once you leave, there is no return. Tell me, Paddy, do you wish to stay to participate in St. Anthony’s Festival? It is the biggest event of the year.

Paddy: [Looking at Mark] I’ll think about it and let you know.

Giuseppe: Then it is done. What you have learned in this organization must never leave. The principle of omerta applies. Do not divulge what you know or the consequences to you and your family will be severe.

[Enter Guido]

Giuseppe: Let everybody know that Paddy will be leaving the organization and that we wish him well. Show these people the door.

Guido: Si, Godfather!

[Guido and the three Irishmen leave. Don Giuseppe gets on the phone with wife Susanna.]

Giuseppe: The needs of business delay me, mi amore. I shall attend to them and return shortly. Please have Sonny call me.

[Later, phone rings.]

Giuseppi: My son, we have a problem. The little Mick is getting too big for his pants. He wants to leave the organization. But he knows too much. On Wednesday, you will handle this for me.

Sonny [on phone]: Yes, Godfather. I will handle it.

Giuseppi: There is one thing, my son. There is a list. It is a list of issues brought by the Irishmen. I will give it to you. Do what you must do to send a message to discourage this kind of thing.

[Hangs up.]

Scene III. Wednesday. A parking lot in Brooklyn.

Jay (I mean Sonny): Paddy, have you decided whether you wish to participate in the Festival of St. Anthony?

Paddy: I’m thinkin’ about it.

Sonny: The Godfather wishes your decision now.

Paddy: I said, I’m thinkin’ about it.

[Sonny opens the back door of a large, black Town Car limo and two big goons get out. Each grabs one of Paddy’s arms. Sonny proceeds to rip off Paddy’s pants and insert the rolled up list of issues rectally.]

Sonny [pushing Paddy into the back of the limo]: I have a message from my father. He says, “Enjoy your last ride.”

The rest is silence.

[Exeunt]

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Filed Under: Penn State Football Tagged With: dramatic license, Italian-American Defamation League, Joe Paterno, Pat Devlin, political correctness, thinly veiled sarcasm

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