The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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PSU: Theatre of the Absurd

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So here I am—I who said that I didn’t want to write about off-field incidents and Paterno’s future during the off-season—yet again writing about off-field incidents and Paterno’s future. Just a few tidbits here for you today.

  1. Defensive tackle Phil Taylor has been sanctioned by Judicial Affairs for his involvement in last October’s HUB fracas. He’ll finish up his spring classes (Playground Management, Advanced Weight Lifting, and Applied Bling Maintenance) and then be suspended for the summer semester and banned from dorms forever. Of course, that doesn’t mean that he’s off the team in the fall. He can just get a nice condo at Toftrees and whatnot. Yo! You know what I’m sayin’? See the Post-Gazette story.
  2. PSU President Graham Spanier has put the quietus on further discussions of head coach Joe Paterno’s contract, stating that there will be no more contracts for Joe, essentially putting him on a year-to-year basis and defusing the media firestorm that threatened to engulf the entire campus by its entrails (or some such mixed metaphor that only I could come up with as it approaches 3 AM). This could mean one of three things: a) Paterno will retire or be retired at the end of the 2008 season, b) Paterno will not retire or be retired at the end of the 2008 season, or c) none of the above. The whole thing has been much ado about nothing. Paterno will continue to have the upper hand and he’ll step down when he’s damn good and ready. This move takes the heat off Spanier and Curley to name a successor, as they are no doubt sick and tired of being harangued by the press and broadcast media every time they turn around. So, what does this mean, really? I don’t know. I’ll tell you later. Spanier said, “We are in agreement that a contract would have little practicality, given coach Paterno’s seniority.” In other words, the contract could outlive Joe or Joe could outlive the contract. Still grand scale obfuscation. Nevertheless, perhaps these revelations will end the rampant, off-the-wall speculation by vast numbers of self-appointed experts about “what is going to happen.” Or not. See the story in the Post-Gazette.
  3. Linebacker Sean Lee has suffered a serious knee injury in practice Friday. Details of the diagnostic work will be known soon as will the extent and implications of the injury.

Sean Lee aside, we need some serious image adjustments. This stuff is wearing us all down. This is not the Penn State all of us know and love. Something’s gotta give here.

Chris Bell Off Team for Good!

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In yet another of the series of incidents involving players whose names are becoming notorious for such shenanigans, Nittany Lion (or should I say ex-Nittany Lion) wide receiver Chris Bell pulled a knife on another student in Pollock Commons and is now in the Centre County jail.

Bell, if you care to remember, has been involved in lots of other shady incidents. At the time of the incident he had been suspended from the team because of that and because of his poor grades. ?????? ????? ???

This Turkey feels that based on this and other incidents, Bell should be voted Most Likely to Follow in Lavon Chisley’s Footsteps. ????? ???? ????? ??? ????

No great loss, though. He couldn’t catch, anyway. ????? ???????

The Athletic Department has as yet made no comments on this latest nonsensical incident.

See the story in the Daily Collegian.

Addendum: The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette is reporting that Bell not only has been kicked off the team but also has been banned from the Penn State campus.

Morelli Heads for England

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OXFORD, UK, April 1, 2008—The NFL has been trying to crack the English market for quite some time now, but it is not under that aegis that former Penn State Nittany Lion quarterback Anthony Morelli soon will be packing his bags and setting sail for Jolly Olde England.

Rather unexpectedly, the Rhodes Trust has announced that Mr. Morelli will be the recipient of the vaunted Rhodes Scholarship. Morelli will matriculate into the Masters program in Parks and Recreation Management at Oxford in the fall.

As a Rhodes scholar, Morelli will enjoy access to Rhodes House, an early 20th Century mansion with numerous public rooms, gardens, a library, study areas, and other facilities. In honor of Morelli and his unique skills, Sir Cecil Rhodes, grandson of the programme’s founder, Cecil John Rhodes, agreed to hang a lorry tyre in the garden so as to keep young Anthony’s legendary arm in shape.

Only 32 such scholarships are available to U.S. students each year. Morelli is not the first athlete to have received this prestigious award, following in the footsteps of former New York Knickerbocker forward and U.S. Senator Bill Bradley and Los Angeles Rams quarterback Pat Haden.

The Turkey’s reporters attempted to interview Morelli; however, initially, calls to the Morelli residence were not returned. Later, Morelli picked up the phone, quite by accident.

“I don’t want to talk,” Morelli said, hastily hanging up the phone.

We finally found Greg Morelli, Anthony’s father, who explained his son’s brusque withdrawal.

“I haven’t let you guys talk to my son since the Michigan game. You gotta have that kind of skin,” the elder Morelli said. “I think maybe he’s frustrated with himself. I don’t think he’s frustrated with anything the coaches have done. He’s frustrated with the loss.”

When asked what the hell that had to do with the Rhodes Scholarship, Mr. Morelli responded, “Oxford needs a quarterback and Anthony doesn’t need to be dealing with your negative crap while he’s trying out for the position!”

“You can’t fumble the ball,” Greg Morelli droned on. “You gotta take care of the ball. He knows that, he’ll rectify that.”

The Turkey’s reporting staff left the Morelli house scratching their head feathers.

Morelli’s erstwhile head coach, Joe Paterno, responded to questions. “Huh? Morelli? The quarterback, you mean? He’s a good kid. You guys don’t know what you’re talking about!”

Morelli has booked passage on Cunard’s Queen Mary II, departing from New York, in July. He will be accompanied by his entourage, including bodyguard Lavon Chisley, who is out of prison on the work-release program while serving his sentence for murder. A gay time is expected to be had by all.

The scholarships are administered and awarded by the Rhodes Trust which was established in 1902 under the terms and conditions of the will of Cecil John Rhodes, and funded by his estate. Scholarships have been awarded to applicants annually since 1904 on the basis of academic achievement and strength of character. There have been over 7,000 Rhodes Scholars since the inception of the Trust. Over 4,000 are still living.