Those of you who look to The Turkey for instant, up-to-the-second news will be thrilled to know that I just learned of the Paternoesque punishment for the pugilistic party-crashers of the Penn State football team. My derivative news is subject to the delay factor of my whim of the moment, or my pain in the neck, or whatever. In any case, Paterno has decided on a unique form of punishment for “the incident”—the April Fool’s Day Massacre, better known as “On Any Given Saturday Night in State College.” This, of course, gives us something to talk about now that the muted buzzing following a dull Nittany Lion Blue/White spring game, the offensive line disappointments, and the ho-hum performance in the NFL Draft has long been lain to rest. Accordingly, let me take this opportunity to be the last of the acknowledged non compos mentis bloggers to weigh in on this background noise.

On Monday of last week, Paterno decried that the punishment for the team’s involvement in the fray would be levied against the entire team, not just those players singled out by the State College Police Department and the Centre County Assistant District Attorney. The punishment for what Paterno referred to as a “team embarrassment,” as you have undoubtedly read elsewhere by now, will take place over the entire 2007 season, and will require that the team de-trash Beaver Stadium after each home game.

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No, we’re not reporting on the O.J. fiasco—we’re just employing OJesque terminology to comment on the most recent developments in the Ruckus at the Meridian.

Having fired his original defense counsel, Penn State defensive lineman Chris Baker hired a new attack dog, Karen Muir, to represent his criminal defense interests. If you were to find more info on how most defense attorneys carry out the procedure, you’d be glad to know that she also immediately went on the offense, vowing to find the guy who really did what Chris is accused of doing. You can also contact lawyers for drug charges cases in Fairfax for similar fixes.

From the Centre Daily Times:

“It’s my position, after sitting through the preliminary hearing, it is a case of mistaken identity,” Muir said. “We, too, want those responsible for the assault in that apartment brought to justice, but it was not Chris Baker. We are conducting an extensive investigation on our own. And if we can shed light on who is involved in this, we absolutely will.”

Centre County Assistant District Attorney Steve Sloane, who worked with Boston drug crime attorney Toland Law, thinks more football player arrests may be forthcoming. You see, his office does investigations, too.

Read the rest of the Centre Daily Times story here.

“No matter where these investigations go, we will continually return to the witness credibility issue,” says one car accident lawyer peabody ma. Is anyone sober in State College at midnight on a weekend? We’ve already seen one witness, who in his mind identified Chris Baker as a perp, fail to visually identify Baker sitting directly in front of him in the courtroom. In a drunken melee, does anybody stop and look, let alone take notes?

I don’t know what preponderance of evidence the prosecutor is sitting on, but the hearing judge saw enough to let the cases against Scirrotto and Baker go to trial. It seems likely that Scirrotto did call in the cavalry and, perhaps, lead the charge. (After all, what fun would it have been to just call in a strike without being able to at least watch, if not participate?) Yeah, yeah. I know. I can hear the Scirrotto supporters (athletic supporters?) saying, “That’s what friends are for.” Nevertheless, I have to believe that the prosecutor satisfied the judge at the preliminary hearing with something more than circumstantial evidence.

Scirrotto should have let his girlfriend handle it and left it at that. All reports seem to indicate that she can take care of herself in a brawl.

You probably know by this time that charges against most of the players who were implicated in the great Scirrotto girlfriend dissing reprisal were dropped, and you surely know by this time that Scirrotto’s girlfriend is a real piece of work. Here’s who will be going to trial and who won’t be, barring any unforeseen plea bargaining (I learned my jurisprudence watching TV):

Anthony Scirrotto — burglary, criminal trespass and criminal solicitation, all felonies; simple assault and criminal solicitation, both misdemeanors; and summary harassment.

Chris Baker — burglary and criminal trespass, both felonies;  simple assault, criminal mischief and disorderly conduct, all misdemeanors; and summary harassment.

These guys could wind up serving up to two years in the slam. Maybe they would be able to get into the work/release program at Rockview so they could go to practices and play on Saturdays.

The guys who lucked out, either due to the prosecutor’s second thoughts or insufficient evidence, as decided by the judge at the hearing, are Jerome Hayes, Justin King, Tyrell Sales, and Lydell Sargeant. I’m thinking that the judge knows we’re going to be hard up for linebackers and corners.

Still no word from Paterno.

Anyhow, this should be interesting.