Exsanguination Redux

I called my soon-to-be ex-doctor’s office today to ask for my long overdue blood test results from May 17. After wading through the phone menu system that starts with “If this is a medical emergency, hang up and dial 911…” and selecting all the right options, then listening to on-hold music for four minutes, I got a human being. The conversation went something like this:

Human Being: Internal medicine.

Me: Good morning, Internal Medicine.

HB: Yes?

Me: So, is it a good morning around there?

HB: Not particularly.

Me: Well, that’s too bad. It’s going to get worse. I need to know what it will take to get my blood test results that you’ve had for three weeks.

HB: It takes 7-10 days to get results back.

Me: That’s a crock. This is the only medical practice I’ve dealt with where simple blood tests take that long. I typically get results back in less than a week. In fact, you’ve delayed this one long enough that I’ve already received the lab bill and paid it.

HB: Sorry about that. Well, I know she just sent out a bunch of cards yesterday. [If you read my previous posts on the subject, you recall that I was told that if the test results are normal, I would get a postcard, and if there were anomalies, I would get a phone call.]

HB: Your name?

Me: [my name]

HB: Do you want me to pull your chart?

Me: I want my results. What do I have to do?

HB: I can get your chart and call you back.

Me: You know, maybe I should just go there and pick it up.

HB: Then, you would have to call “Medical Records” and request it.

Me: In other words, take a hike? ????? ???? ?????

HB: No, I’m just telling you that if you want to pick up your records, that’s who you’ll have to call.

Me: I don’t know that I want to deal with your screwed up practice at all. ???? ????? Given that it takes five months to schedule a physical and three weeks plus to get blood test results and then it’s like pulling teeth…

HB: Do you want me to call you?

Me: Yes, please call me.

Well, that was before 10 AM. It is now 7:30 PM. Predictably, she didn’t call. ?????? ??? ???????? Stay tuned…