¡Ay, Caramba!

This week’s guest mentor on American Idol is Jennifer Lopez, which should make it interesting for the remaining eight contestants. This is supposed to be a “Latin-themed” week, and I suspect they don’t mean the kind of Latin you learned in Catholic school. In fact, the nuns would in no way approve of the dance moves I hope to see performed by the delightfully callipygian J-Lo on Wednesday night.

But what of our eight heroes? Who will shine in this Latin light? The first who comes to mind is Haley, who is a bit short on singing talent but long on leg. Put her in a dance costume and I’m likely to forget about the temporary mass insanity that has kept Sanjaya around for about 16 weeks too long. Next, the neckless Melinda and the rotund Lakisha will no doubt produce flawless renditions of whatever is given them. They both seem to do a good job of selecting material that suits them well, and they remain my favorites for the finals—if this Sanjaya bullshit ceases sometime soon.

There’s a new bright and shining star, though, and her name is Jordin. Actually, she’s not so new. She’s been performing effectively throughout, again with material that suits her quite well. She’s got tons of poise, yet she’s only 17 years old. She’s big, pretty, and vivacious. In a fair competition, she’d be my dark horse; however, with the aforementioned Sanjaya bullshit, who knows?

So, I’ve mentioned five names thus far. I don’t think I need to mention Blake, Chris, or Phil, because they haven’t done a damn thing for me all season. Sorry, guys, but the babes have you completely outclassed in this competition. Yeah, that includes you, too, Sanjaya. In fact, you were outclassed by Antonella Barba, who couldn’t sing either (but again, had other things going for her).

What kind of Latin fare do you think we’ll be seeing? Last year (or was it the year before?) Gloria Estefan was the Latin mentor. J-Lo’s tunes have a bit more of a updated thing going for them than Gloria’s. Frankly, I can’t stand the Miami Sound Machine and Gloria, but that’s my problem, my personal preference. I like Lopez’ stuff better. According to the Idol Web site, on Wednesday night she’ll be doing her “propulsive single” ¿Qué Hiciste? I look forward to seeing her perform it. (“Propulsive” seems to somehow bring to mind projectile vomiting, but I digress…)

As we cut this field down to seven, Sanjaya’s Howard Stern / vote-for-the-worst engineered protest movement still has momentum. This puerile prank has gone too far, so we need to either ignore the dipshits or somebody needs to kick their asses—just like high school, because that’s exactly how they’re acting! I’m just hoping that people will eventually get real about this, because Sanjaya isn’t even a credible novelty act. On the other hand, the “American Public” just can’t be counted on. Last year they voted for the wrong finalist. Taylor Hicks can’t sell a damn album, but runner-up Katharine McPhee is skyrocketing in comparison. Will they get it right this year? Doubtful, if the Sanjaya crap keeps up. In the end, though, this is American Idol, not real life, so who the hell cares?

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