This week’s guest mentor on American Idol is Jennifer Lopez, which should make it interesting for the remaining eight contestants. This is supposed to be a “Latin-themed” week, and I suspect they don’t mean the kind of Latin you learned in Catholic school. In fact, the nuns would in no way approve of the dance moves I hope to see performed by the delightfully callipygian J-Lo on Wednesday night.
But what of our eight heroes? Who will shine in this Latin light? The first who comes to mind is Haley, who is a bit short on singing talent but long on leg. Put her in a dance costume and I’m likely to forget about the temporary mass insanity that has kept Sanjaya around for about 16 weeks too long. Next, the neckless Melinda and the rotund Lakisha will no doubt produce flawless renditions of whatever is given them. They both seem to do a good job of selecting material that suits them well, and they remain my favorites for the finals—if this Sanjaya bullshit ceases sometime soon.
There’s a new bright and shining star, though, and her name is Jordin. Actually, she’s not so new. She’s been performing effectively throughout, again with material that suits her quite well. She’s got tons of poise, yet she’s only 17 years old. She’s big, pretty, and vivacious. In a fair competition, she’d be my dark horse; however, with the aforementioned Sanjaya bullshit, who knows?
So, I’ve mentioned five names thus far. I don’t think I need to mention Blake, Chris, or Phil, because they haven’t done a damn thing for me all season. Sorry, guys, but the babes have you completely outclassed in this competition. Yeah, that includes you, too, Sanjaya. In fact, you were outclassed by Antonella Barba, who couldn’t sing either (but again, had other things going for her).
What kind of Latin fare do you think we’ll be seeing? Last year (or was it the year before?) Gloria Estefan was the Latin mentor. J-Lo’s tunes have a bit more of a updated thing going for them than Gloria’s. Frankly, I can’t stand the Miami Sound Machine and Gloria, but that’s my problem, my personal preference. I like Lopez’ stuff better. According to the Idol Web site, on Wednesday night she’ll be doing her “propulsive single” ¿Qué Hiciste? I look forward to seeing her perform it. (“Propulsive” seems to somehow bring to mind projectile vomiting, but I digress…)
As we cut this field down to seven, Sanjaya’s Howard Stern / vote-for-the-worst engineered protest movement still has momentum. This puerile prank has gone too far, so we need to either ignore the dipshits or somebody needs to kick their asses—just like high school, because that’s exactly how they’re acting! I’m just hoping that people will eventually get real about this, because Sanjaya isn’t even a credible novelty act. On the other hand, the “American Public” just can’t be counted on. Last year they voted for the wrong finalist. Taylor Hicks can’t sell a damn album, but runner-up Katharine McPhee is skyrocketing in comparison. Will they get it right this year? Doubtful, if the Sanjaya crap keeps up. In the end, though, this is American Idol, not real life, so who the hell cares?
(The preceding was brought to you by IGAF Enterprises, which is solely responsible for its content.)
The Redhead says
I agree about Gloria and the Miami Sound Machine. Instead of singing, Gloria whined her songs.
I’m looking forward to tonight’s competition. I may be a little late getting there but I will arrive!
The Redhead says
Place your bets!
The Nittany Turkey says
J-Lo says that the key to Latin performance is making the audience feel good. Now how the hell can Sanjaya make me feel good?
Melinda is doing Sway.
The Nittany Turkey says
See, but Melinda is not giving me any feelgood vibrations.
The Redhead says
I sort of agree with Simon. She was good but lacked “fire.”
The Nittany Turkey says
Technically good, as usual, but pretty devoid of soul.
The Nittany Turkey says
Oh, is that what Simon said? I’m still catching up.
The Nittany Turkey says
Yeah, I agree with Simon.
The Redhead says
One of the guys I work for is a part of the Howard Stern corps. He is voting for Sanjaya along with the other Sternities. He says the show is a joke and it won’t hurt the leading contenders because they’ll get recording contracts anyway.
Your thoughts?
The Nittany Turkey says
OK, I’m caught up.
The Nittany Turkey says
My thoughts are that your co-worker needs to get a life of his own instead of being led around by the dick by Howard Stern.
The Redhead says
It will be interesting to see what Lakisha does with this. I hope she takes J-Lo’s advice and doesn’t “oversing” it.
The Redhead says
He thinks it’s funny. I don’t think he’s being “led around.”
The Redhead says
Flashy dress.
The Nittany Turkey says
Lakisha is busting out all over.
The Nittany Turkey says
Bada-bing!
The Redhead says
If you caught the beginning of the show, you saw J-Lo in rehearsal. Sorry, but she needs all the help the bells and whistles of the studio can give her.
The Redhead says
Poor choice. Very unfortunate. Totaly unbelievable.
The Redhead says
Make that “totally” with two L’s.
The Nittany Turkey says
Need a fourth-order differential equation to describe all that harmonic damping.
The Redhead says
Let’s hear what the jury says.
The Nittany Turkey says
Yeah, the song didn’t suit her.
The Nittany Turkey says
It wasn’t hot, Randy!
The Nittany Turkey says
Paula is right.
The Redhead says
I agree that Lakisha went “outside her comfort zone,” but it just didn’t work. Not her type of song at all.
The Nittany Turkey says
Simon is right.
The Nittany Turkey says
I think that the Sanjaya bullshit is damaging to the “real” contestants in that the more weeks he remains in the group, the fewer weeks some really talented people have to strut their stuff. Thus, the Stern crap could be costing one or more of these kids a better shot at what they want. The closer they get to the finals, the more exposure they have and the better their shot at getting juicy recording contracts. Numbnuts Malakar just displaces someone deserving.
The Redhead says
What about the argument that they’ll get recording contracts “anyway?”
The Redhead says
Chris doing Smooth?
Uh-oh.
The Nittany Turkey says
Forget it, Chris!
The Redhead says
Weak start. Not hitting the notes well. A bit flat.
The Redhead says
He’s one of the contenders to get the boot tonight with this performance.
The Redhead says
The band sounds good though.
The Redhead says
Yeah, I agree, Randy, he did take a risk. It still didn’t cut it.
Simon liked it. Better than Melinda!
I don’t agree.
The Nittany Turkey says
On the off chance that someone who had one or two weeks more exposure would get a recording contract or a BETTER recording contract (more negotiating power resulting from going farther in the competition), why should a bunch of morons ruin these kids’ chances?
I know—because they’re morons!
The Redhead says
Get ready, Turkey–Haley’s up soon!
The Nittany Turkey says
Well, Chris had a pedestrian performance, but he seemed more natural than the babes did.
The Redhead says
So, what did you think of Chris’s performance?
The Redhead says
I don’t know. I thought Melinda did a better job…just sort of dull for her.
The Nittany Turkey says
I am totally ready. I’m hoping for a J-Lo outfit on her.
The Redhead says
I’m sure she won’t disappoint. I think she likes to show off.
The Nittany Turkey says
Well, yeah. Melinda is always technically superb. I was talking with a friend today. We were talking about how Melinda is trained as a back-up singer and thus, she is not really supposed to have a stand-out personality. She’s paid to hang back and be essentially invisible. We concluded that she needs to burst out of that mode.
The Redhead says
So will someone take a chance and sing in Spanish?
Maybe…Sanjaya?!
The Redhead says
I think she came close in her performance of “I’m a Woman” a few weeks ago. I thought she was great with that.
The Nittany Turkey says
I can’t stand this song because I don’t like Gloria.
The Redhead says
I’m sure you’re in heaven.
The Redhead says
This is actually an old disco tune from the seventies. Glorida wasn’t the first.
The Nittany Turkey says
She ain’t moving that body enough.
The Nittany Turkey says
I know that.
The Nittany Turkey says
Gloria ruined it for me.
The Redhead says
She’s into it but she’s just not a consistent vocalist.
The Nittany Turkey says
Haley could have shaken her butt more. The vocal sucked.
The Nittany Turkey says
Paula’s drunk.
The Nittany Turkey says
Simon is correct!
The Redhead says
HaHa Simon! I agree with him.
The Redhead says
I wondered about that. Either that or she’s taken some downers.
The Nittany Turkey says
Do I have to put up with Phil?
The Nittany Turkey says
She claims that she doesn’t drink.
The Nittany Turkey says
I want Phil’s hat.
The Nittany Turkey says
I wonder if they make those in a size 8.
The Nittany Turkey says
This performance bites the big one. Phil gets the hook this week.
The Redhead says
This kids are picking these high-intensity songs thinking they reflect the true Latin way of music. A few more subtle tunes would’ve been a good idea for them because when they do songs like “Maria Maria” the inability to capture the essence (and notes) is more noticable.
The Nittany Turkey says
Yeah, Paula is impaired.
The Nittany Turkey says
I predict that Paula will gush tearily when Jordin sings.
The Redhead says
Sorry about the spelling errors; I’m typing too fast.
Yeah, I agree with you about Phil. Bye Bye, buddy!
The Redhead says
Jordin’s doing pretty well lately. I’m looking forward to seeing what she does. She’s pretty amazing for 17.
The Nittany Turkey says
I didn’t see any spelling errors that were noticable [sic].
The Nittany Turkey says
Jordin has great fun up there. I really like her.
The Redhead says
Weren’t there rumors recently about Paula being sort of “out of it?” Has she behaved this way on the show before, this season?
The Nittany Turkey says
She’s behaved like this before in prior seasons. I think she was a little weird last week.
The Redhead says
I HATE this song! There were Latin tunes long before Gloria.
What about La Bamba?
I know–Sanjaya’s going to do that one!
The Nittany Turkey says
Oh, yeah! This is going to be the best of the night!
The Redhead says
Sorry, Jordin. Like Lakisha, this just isn’t her style. Too bad.
The Nittany Turkey says
She even listens to J-Lo and all. I LIKE THIS GIRL!
The Redhead says
I don’t agree, Turkey! Are we watching the same performance? She’s good vocally but this lacks energy.
The Redhead says
Yes! Simon and I agree!
The Redhead says
Although, he went easier than I thought he should.
The Nittany Turkey says
Simon must have been watching the same TV as you.
The Nittany Turkey says
I like the Chi-Chi Rodriguez hat. Do they make that in a size 8?
The Redhead says
He’s really into–himself! You know, this isn’t bad if you’re into this guy. It’s sort of like being into a teen idol–either yes, or no. He’s pretty natural, not forced. He’s got the young girls going for him.
The Nittany Turkey says
OK, Blake sucks. Sanjaya better come out and sing with an accent or something, or I’m going to go to sleep.
The Redhead says
You’re all about the hats tonight!
The Nittany Turkey says
Aight so check it.
The Nittany Turkey says
When the music doesn’t suit me, I go to the hats.
The Redhead says
I agree Randy–it was a good song choice.
Yes, Simon agrees with me!!
Yeah, baby!
The Nittany Turkey says
Was that Paula with the wolf howl?
The Redhead says
Aight so check it.
Huh?
The Redhead says
I didn’t hear that! Darn.
The Redhead says
Wonder what’s in the big red cup sitting in front of Paula?
The Redhead says
Did they save Sanjaya for last? I’ve lost count.
The Redhead says
So what’s better?
Philly cheese steak…or Brooklyn-style?
The Redhead says
House looks gross tonight.
The Nittany Turkey says
House will be more exciting than this.
The Nittany Turkey says
Hahahahahahahaha Besame Mucho.
The Redhead says
Here we go–Sanjaya.
Well, he’s doing a golden oldie anyway.
This should be hilarious.
The Redhead says
Oh, he’s all serious and sitting down.
I was right–he is singing in Spanish! He does take chances!
Yikes, what was that with the descending notes?
The Redhead says
He’s got the curly hair and sexy beard going on.
He’ll be here another week, at least.
The Nittany Turkey says
If he wasn’t flat, this would have been a decent performance.
The Redhead says
The little girls love him. Once it was Bobby Sherman…
now it’s Sanjaya.
The Nittany Turkey says
“Pitchy” as they call it.
The Nittany Turkey says
Paula is crocked.
The Redhead says
I agree. Not a bad performance from him.
Simon? He agrees!!!!!
The Nittany Turkey says
So now that Sanjaya has turned in a semi-credible performance, will that piss off Howard Stern and the mindless lemmings?
The Redhead says
It would be ironic if Sanjaya was voted off this week–the week of his one decent performance.
The Redhead says
Yes, this is the week Howard and Co. will vote him down.
The Nittany Turkey says
He’s safe. Chris, Phil, and Haley all sucked.
The Redhead says
I think Blake will win this week.
(I do think he turned in the best performance this week.)
The Nittany Turkey says
Well, I’m going to fly. Seeya tomorrow night, Redhead!
The Redhead says
Chris or Phil–one of them will go tomorrow night!
What will Paula be on?
The Redhead says
See you then, Turkey!
The Nittany Turkey says
She’ll be on valium by then.
The Redhead says
Word is the ratings are down for AI.
I think Phil’s out tonight.
The Redhead says
Or this could be the last you see of Haley’s legs on the show ):
The Redhead says
Uh-oh, Simon’s flirting with Paula!
The Redhead says
Paula’s ripped.
The Nittany Turkey says
Good evening. I’m here now.
The Nittany Turkey says
Paula’s always ripped.
The Redhead says
Here we go with a group sing!
Ohhh, Haley and Sanjaya together. They make a cute couple!
The Redhead says
Hey there, Turkey!
I really think Sanjaya and Haley should team up.
The Nittany Turkey says
Yeah, they should team up at the stage door and exit, stage left.
The Redhead says
Hey, it’s the New, New, New Christy Minstrels!
The Nittany Turkey says
Ay, Dios mio.
The Nittany Turkey says
Te quiero, mi amor, my corazon.
The Nittany Turkey says
Come to papi.
The Redhead says
Give the kids a break, amigo!
The Redhead says
We’ll send Haley right over after she’s eliminated tonight.
The Nittany Turkey says
Let’s milk this elimination for a whole hour, shall we?
The Redhead says
Ha!
Oh, here we go with the interview in L.A.
Uh, DUH!
Sorry, what do you expect for L.A.? Not really the city of deep thought.
The Nittany Turkey says
Yeah, like they’d get more intelligence walking the streets of Orlando.
The Redhead says
This is boring. I’d rather listen to Sanjaya.
The Redhead says
It depends on where they walk!
The Nittany Turkey says
Good ol’ Akon.
The Redhead says
Who is Akon? (Sp?)
He’s got that Jamacian sound.
The Redhead says
Yes, I know I spelled that wrong.
The Nittany Turkey says
Guy named hissef after an oak nut.
The Nittany Turkey says
You spelled that right.
The Redhead says
Liked the little Sonny and Cher throw-away there.
The Nittany Turkey says
Ya know, he was the producer of Gwen Stefani’s Sweet Escape.
The Redhead says
But not Jamacian.
The Redhead says
Wow–you’re really up on the pop music thing! I’m terribly behind.
The Nittany Turkey says
Sir Charles for Governor.
The Nittany Turkey says
Just call me Phil Spector.
The Nittany Turkey says
Oh, wait—then you’d have to call me by my prison number.
The Redhead says
Happy Together. The Turtles. When I was a kid we had a debate whether the lyric was: I can see me lovin’ nobody but you..” or “I can’t see me…”
Hey–double negative!
The Nittany Turkey says
My price is one MILLION dollars…
The Redhead says
Simon might take a 32AA.
The Nittany Turkey says
Paula is hammered.
The Redhead says
Oh, god. NOT Celine.
The Nittany Turkey says
Paula for President.
The Redhead says
I missed it–what happened?
The Nittany Turkey says
Maybe Celine will do a duet with Paula.
The Nittany Turkey says
Nothing happened. I just got another look at her.
The Redhead says
Has Paula ever sung on this show?
The Redhead says
I remember when Paula used to be Madonna’s rival as Pop Music Queen.
The Nittany Turkey says
Paula has never sung OR danced on the show.
The Redhead says
Blake won this–no doubt about it.
The Redhead says
It’s Julio Iglesias!
The Nittany Turkey says
Perderte despues, Sanjaya cabron.
The Redhead says
Haley’s got that Carmen Electra thing going!
The Nittany Turkey says
Yeah, Haley…we ALL want you to wear as few clothes as possible!
The Redhead says
Phil’s going to the center.
The Nittany Turkey says
Center stage Phil.
The Nittany Turkey says
Shake them hips, Lakisha.
The Redhead says
What’s with “sit down,” Sanjaya!!!!????
The Nittany Turkey says
El momento de verdad para Sanjaya el cabron.
The Redhead says
Go to the center, short-shorts.
The Nittany Turkey says
Scarnato for Sexretary of State.
The Redhead says
Blake’s safe, no prob.
The Redhead says
They’re killing us with this “sit down, stand up” business.
The Redhead says
Sorry, Chris.
Sit, Sanjaya, sit!
The Nittany Turkey says
Yeah, well we gonna send Chris back and leave Haley and Phil.
The Redhead says
Yeah, you might be right. But Phil was pretty bad.
The Nittany Turkey says
Now, Sheryl Crow…there’s a scarecrow.
The Redhead says
I guess J-Lo is coming out next. I’m feeling under-whelmed.
The Nittany Turkey says
No, I meant that Chris is safe and Haley and Phil will be on the hot seat (or the hot stand).
The Redhead says
I like some things about Sheryl but she’s a pretty shallow songwriter.
The Nittany Turkey says
She gonna sing Que hiciste?
The Redhead says
Oh! We’ll see what happens.
The Nittany Turkey says
On the surface, she’s very deep, but deep down inside, she’s a shallow individual.
The Redhead says
You don’t like Sheryl Crow?
The Redhead says
Maybe that’s why Lance broke up with her.
You were right!
The Redhead says
I vote that Phil goes (I feel for ya, Turkey).
The Nittany Turkey says
Ahhh, the calipygian one.
The Redhead says
Oh, she’s just so down to earth!
Especially when she steps off her Lear jet!
The Nittany Turkey says
Haley, I’ll give you the best experience you ever had.
The Nittany Turkey says
It’s West Side Story.
The Redhead says
C. Cruz would’ve put this performance to shame.
The Nittany Turkey says
Here come the Jets! Que hiciste?
The Redhead says
It’s all fireworks and theatrics. That’s mainly what some of these AI singers are lacking if one compares to the “star.”
The Nittany Turkey says
Yeah, you tell ’em!
The Nittany Turkey says
None of them has J-Lo’s caboose.
The Redhead says
The judges all stand up. It’s just smoke and mirrors in the end.
The Nittany Turkey says
What’s the bracelet count?
The Redhead says
That may be true. Still, the lack of vocal ability is why I prefer opera these days.
The Nittany Turkey says
In other words, she’s crocked too!
The Nittany Turkey says
Despues de la commercial, already.
The Nittany Turkey says
Yeah, I think they need to get Luciano Pavarotti in there as a mentor.
The Nittany Turkey says
That’s the schmuck who wanted the date with Sasha Cohen and then blew it when she finally agreed.
The Redhead says
Who? I’m getting ready to watch Borat.
The Redhead says
Oh, another person.
Never mind.
The Nittany Turkey says
Another Cohen.
The Nittany Turkey says
Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
The Redhead says
You are kidding me?????
Oh Turkey, I’m so sorry!!!!!
Boo Hoo.
Goodbye, hot legs!
The Nittany Turkey says
I wonder if she can do her swan song naked.
The Redhead says
I have to admit, I’ll miss Haley.
Phil–you’re going home soon, buddy.
The Redhead says
She is great looking but not necessarily distinctive.
The Nittany Turkey says
We’ve been robbed.
The Redhead says
She may have a future as a local nightclub singer.
The Nittany Turkey says
Enjoy da movie.
The Redhead says
Who is on next week? Please tell me it’s not Celine!
The Nittany Turkey says
She’s got a future under my desk.
The Nittany Turkey says
Martina McBride. Country week.
The Redhead says
Tomorrow is an early day. Gotta rise at 6:30–A.M.
Yikes!
The Nittany Turkey says
Ewwwwwwwwwww
The Nittany Turkey says
Pleasant dreams, Red!
The Redhead says
You’re kidding me. I HATE contemporary country music!
Oh, I’m so depressed.
The Redhead says
Sweet dreams, Turkey!
See you next week.
The Nittany Turkey says
You got it! Nighty-night!