This is the final week of American Idol for 2007, and I’m glad. Two contestants remain, Jordin and Blake, one of whom will be our next American Idol. This means that I won’t have this lame-ass stuff to write about anymore. Furthermore, I lament that there will be no more ongoing comment narrative between The Redhead and me about this show after this week for the remainder of the year. I think it is good that we’re not subjected to AI 52 weeks a year. I get more than my fill of their vacuous crap for the five months out of the year the damn thing is producing new material. But I digress.
The Redhead informs me that Paula Abdul broke her nose tripping over her Chihuahua named “Tulip.” The ever entertaining judges, superfluous at this stage of the competition, continue to provide twists and turns. Yeah, they’re part of the entertainment package. Paula will be lovely with her nose in a sling.
So, our two musical babes in the woods will square off tonight for the final sing-off. Jordin will try to avoid taking unnecessary risks, for if she plays it straight, she’ll win this thing. Blake, who has practiced musical risk-taking as if it were a martial art, would be best advised to reel it in. The beatbox crapola might have gotten him here, but it won’t put him over the top. It might just torpedo his ass and sink his ship.
Jordin is certain to have good career choices ahead of her, win or lose. For Blake, the path forward is uncertain. His voice is pedestrian and the gimmicks get old over time. (But look what Bob Dylan did with a pedestrian voice and a gimmick—although I doubt that Blake, who has nothing “important” to say, will ever challenge Herr Zimmerman’s hyped role as “the voice of a generation.”)
So, with everything on the line, they’ll sing their hearts out and they’ll sing their asses off (in Jordin’s case, that would be a shame), and America will vote. Twenty-five hours of buzzing phone lines and water cooler debates later, we’ll get the happy news.
Indeed, we’ll have to wait until Wednesday night’s boring, two-hour extravaganza to see how “America voted.” And we’ll wait quite a while. Two hours of fluff awaits us, including The Dreaded Return of Sanjaya (accompanied by the welcome Legs of Haley). We’ll have monotonous surprises to break the monotony of waiting. Old Idols, old almost-Idols, and never-was, wannabe idols will appear, the last category being a sardonically comedic display of the talentless. This stew will be peppered by commercial advertising by the two prime sponsors, Ford and Coca-Cola, along with countless minutes of promotions for Fox’s summer line-up. All of this to get us to the final five minutes when the new American Idol will be announced.
It will be Jordin, and on Thursday, we can put this bullshit behind us!
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Aw, but Turkey, I’ll miss blogging with you!
And of course, I cannot let your comments about Dylan pass. Hello? Dylan was a great songwriter who wrote more than “protest” music–All Along the Watchtower comes to mind.
I look forward to tonight’s show! See you then 🙂
Thanks for taking the bait! Seeya later, Red!
Heh heh heh.
A few pre-show factoids:
I overheard a co-worker say he thought Blake was going to win tonight. Uh, I don’t think so.
Kelly Clarkson will appear on tomorrow night’s show.
The “red carpet” preshow begins tomorrow evening at 7:30. Red carpet for AI???? I can’t wait to see what Sanjaya is wearing.
I’m looking forward to seeing the following this-season-wanna-be’s perform:
The “rocker” girl (can’t remember her name), the “rocker” guy with the frizzy hair (can’t remember his name), Haley, and yes…Sanjaya! He may not be able to sing, but he gets the whole gimmick thang.
Finally, I pray that Sting will not show up.
See you at 8:00, Turkey!
It’s the final!
Good evening, Turkey!
Paula’s gritting her teeth a bit. I think she’s in a bit of pain.
Let’s get it on!
The dog cover story can only go so far, Paula.
Five minutes in and nobody’s sung a note yet.
And now, the obligatory 180 second break.
I think we’re in for a lot of commericals.
I’d rather watch ads than watch Sting.
Call The Police!
Are Blake and Jordin choosing their own songs tonight?
OK, so 10 minutes in we get the first song, maybe? Perhaps?
It ain’t gonna bring down the house tonight, Blake old boy.
I like his beat boxing. I think this is pretty cool. He’s pulling out all the stops.
I like Jordin batting second.
I liked it.
He fits in a niche. The appeal is not broad. He goes down!
Paula is hammered.
I agree with Randy and Simon.
Don’t worry, Turkey–your broad is coming up:)
A whole new attitude for Jordin.
I like her energy…but it feels very derivative to me.
I don’t like this song on her. She tries to get an edge and she’s too young to have one.
Paula is even more anesthetized than usual.
See, Simon is the official ringside judge.
So Simon has a backbone and the other two waffle.
I agree with you about Paula. She’s on pain pills….and?
I agree with Randy about Jordin.
No, I think Randy is right–Jordin sang it better, Blake performed it better. It’s a draw.
Hmmm…a comedy about local TV news in Pittsburgh. Hmmmm…
This ain’t his kind of song. It brings out the weaknesses in his voice and his vocal technique. It ain’t going to do him any good.
This is a bit too “Bono” for me.
But I think he’s doing a good job.
Very monotonous performance. I’m almost wishing for some beatbox crap.
No, I think he’s hitting the “Bono” casual way of high notes.
Lacking in Bonoesque gravitas, IMHO.
Not good enough, Blake!
You and Simon sort of agree.
What is IMHO?
The argyle sweater is priceless.
Is Martina MacBride a country singer?
Ick.
In
My
Humble
Opinion
Martina McBride is of the current genre of so-called C&W singers who do nothing for me.
Who’s the Jessica Alba look-alike?
Blake is a bland, sort of preppy white boy.
Well, it’s interesting that Jordin picked a country tune. I bet it will work for her though.
Did you get my e-mail about ER?
Yes, and I responded to it. I also thought the scene with Ray was heart-rending.
I don’t like this. What an ordinary song that sounds like so many others.
I liked it when she did On a Clear Day.
Jordin did this one before, I believe.
OK, so listen…..yo…yo… so check it out…
Randy, can you say something other than CHECK IT OUT?
Age ain’t got nothing to do widit.
Paula….she’s in a fog.
Okay, so they liked it. I guess it’s just me.
So Jordin won that round…right? RIGHT!
We all like something different. We’ll see how “America votes.” That’s all that matters.
I predict this tune will pick up tempo soon.
This is My Now…this will be Blake’s undoing. I mean, look at those shoes! Golden slippers. And this song fits the description you gave Wings of Glory. It sounds like every other damn fluff song.
Maybe I was wrong…I think this was a bad choice. He needs the beat boxing. This is so sentimental…yuck.
It ain’t picking up enough of anything.
Yep, I agree. Blake just shot himself in his golden foot.
I think his range is challenged by it too.
That was then…this sucked.
The song is boring and the performance is pedestrian.
Paula loves it.
The judges didn’t like it. Did Blake choose this tune???? Who chose it?
I think he sung the song for the “message.” It makes me feel like he knows Jordin is going to win.
Simon is just being niiiiiiiiiiiice.
Sang the song? Sung the song?
I think I meant “sang the song.”
Very perceptive, Red. That is an interesting thought.
I thunk he said he sung it.
I’m totally sick and tired of reality shows. Enough already!
She’ll do better singing this crap.
I don’t think she’ll do the kangaroo hop in the middle.
Okay. She’s won. Blake knew it.
Congrats, Jordin!
Why do we even bother with tomorrow’s show? Oh yeah, the ads.
This sounds so like last year’s “I Wanna Be Inside Your Heaven”
I wish Blake had beat-boxed the hell out of this song and at least gone down fighting!
Ford and Coke get their last shots in and we get to see Fox’s lame summer line-up.
They should have let them do something in their own style.
She has a lock on the audience. Watch them cheer her at the end of this.
But of course, this is Jordin’s style. The deck was stacked!
A little emotion at the end…well done, Sparky!
Oh, the tears…bring out the crown for the new American Idol!
Gahome blake
Oh…Paula. You poor kid.
Simon says….
This last song was right in her wheelhouse.
She’s fresh, she’s cute, she’s big, and she’s hot.
And she’s our American Idol for 2007.
She knows she’s won.
What if Blake won???
I don’t think so.
I think she should win. I’m just tired of the style she brings to the table.
I’ll say it again, I liked it when she sang On a Clear Day.
Now, THAT was refreshing 🙂
Well, I sure as hell thought Bo won when Carrie won. So anything can happen.
Okay Turkey–get ready for a lot of SPECTACULAR ads tomorrow evening!
Randy must have been appointed as honorary commodore with all those gold braids.
Well, so I’ll see you tomorrow night for Jordin’s coronation, after two hours of commercials.
I agree with Simon but Jordin should still win.
Oh it’s Chris!
He went down in a Blaze of Glory.
Or was that Phil?
I don’t remember.
Busy day tomorrow. Two MRIs and a conference call with my Chicago client. Also, I should get some passport photos and I need to buy groceries. What else have I forgotten? Oh, yeah. American Idol.
And I’m wired on prednisone, so I am probably gonna be up til 3 AM.
Okay, Turkey! We’ve got to walk the greyhounds…they’re getting restless…I think they’re getting tired of AI.
Math Guy and I took my sister and her hubby to the dog track. I won!
Terrific…beginner’s luck. Seeya tomorrow night and say hi to MG, O, M, and C.
I wish you the very best on your med tests, Turkey!!!
Why the passport photos?
They send you a chewy milkbone!!!
So I can renew my passport. It’s expiring in August.
Arf arf! Goodnight, Turkey 🙂
Besides, Ritz Camera is close to FH Altamonte.
Nighty-night!
Hello, Turkey! I have arrived a little early for the proceedings. I admit, I did not watch the “red carpet pre-show.” I have a feeling I didn’t miss much.
A little while ago I learned that Brittney Spears is a likely guest this evening. HMMMM…will it be her or Memorex?
Here we go with the show!!
I missed the red carpet, too. I would have probably thrown up on it.
Wow, this is cheesy. I don’t think Lennon and McCartney had this in mind when they penned this.
Who will win?
Coke or Ford?
Nice Little Richard/Mac falsetto moment there.
Sprite.
Gwennie’s here!
Now I’m reminded why her singing always annoyed me.
Now that Akon did his thing with an underage female, Gwen needs all the help she can get.
Uh I think she is lip synching.
Well, Gwen has changed a lot since No Doubt.
Huh? Akon????
But I got Dolores O’Riordan’s new ablum, and she hasn’t changed since The Cranberries (or since having 4 kids).
Kelly sounds a lot like Fiona Apple.
I like Fiona’s voice and music quite a bit.
She’s gone a long way since being a waitress in Texas.
Isn’t she the one who did Zombie? Man, I cannot get behind her voice.
I liked that song Clarkson did for the movie, Love Actually. It’s called The Trouble with Love.
Yeah, she’s hot. Jeff Foxworthy’s not.
Now we get to make fun of people.
Jeff Foxworthy? Jerry Springer? Man, these are some strange celebrity sightings.
Well, Foxworthy has a show on Fox.
I didn’t see any of this stuff. These people are slightly nuts.
Gee, I kinda like the Fake-oragsmo girl.
Sometimes the auditions are the best entertainment of the whole season.
Did this woman try out this season?
Man, this is embarrassing.
Your top six guys.
Sanjaya is as lame-ass as ever.
There he is….oh Sanjaya, now I’ve missed you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here’s my guy…is his name Chris, too?
Oh Phil…this tune is not for you, bud.
Phil is soundin good.
Poor Smokey has to follow these guys.
Man, he still sounds great.
He doesn’t even try to hit those high notes anymore. Smart guy.
Smokey’s 100 years old but he still has the voice. He never strains, and that has helped preserve it.
I really think Bono is a hero of Blake’s.
Yeah, so relaxed. I love the Smokey.
I will say it one final time: Paula is hammered.
How did the tests go today, Turkey?
I think Paula is really doped up on pain killers. They’ve got a lot of makeup on her.
Hey Turkey! Are you raiding the frig?
I’m outta the frig.
This is entertainment of a sort.
Who is this performing with Blake?
Paula has been on pain killers for years, after the auto accident.
Okay, Ryan said it.
What’s the snack tonight?
Strawberries, once again. Crappy California strawberries.
This woman sang not one understandable word.
I really get embarrassed for these people.
This is rather mean.
What auto accident?
Here comes Haley!!!
The top six girls.
Are they gonna bring out Marvin Gaye?
Man she’s great looking but what an awful singer.
I love the Gladys. I’ve seen her perform and she was great.
Ooh-ooh … all aboard…on a midnight train…
Where’s Melinda????
Sing it, Haley!
Gladys looks like she’s having fun.
Behind Gladys on the left.
Oh, there’s Melinda!
I like this. It’s fun.
The ooh-ooh major seventh ending.
That was cool!
Hey Turkey…how did the tests go?
I don’t suppose we’ll see a guest appearance by Tony Bennett.
Tony’s peeved at Simon. Tony is not high on the ethics of the show.
Hey, I’ll know tomorrow. I was in that damn MRI tube for 1.5 hours today. Faber’s office called me at 5, but it went to voice mail. So, naturally, because they never called that fast before, I’m worried.
So, I put an extra shot of Grand Marnier in the strawberries tonight.
Wow–did you take a Xanax first?
We’ll cross our fingers that you’re fine.
Hey, next to the “Redhead says,” there is a : and then, “Your comment is awating moderation.”
Freaky. Are we being bugged??
OH!! Tony!!!
Oops…I was wrong!
I’ll approve it.
This guy is a gem. I love The Tony!
What a great rendition of this song.
Paula is hammered on Tony.
Tony’s still got the pipes.
The problem with your comment was that you included a word that was flagged as spam. The word being an antidepressent drug.
See, I get a lot of comment spam…people wanting to sell drugs, etc.
Ohh, arent’t these the guys they caught some flak over?
Antonella was HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.
Well, it was Antonella’s naked pictures that caught the flack.
Ha! That last bit with Simon and Ryan was funny.
Look at Paula’s face. She’s out of it totally.
So this is a high security blog. Okay, I won’t try to sell you any grass 🙂
This is really offensive.
Where is Antonella? Has she been on the show tonight yet?
And, no, I’m stoic about those kinds of things. I just zone out in the MRI. DOn’t need no steeking Xanax.
This is a real variety show tonight. Sort of old fashioned.
Just the scotch when you get home 🙂
It’s the Ted Mack Original Amateur Hour!
I know you are not enjoying this, Turkey.
Or Grand Marnier.
Hey, babe. I do enjoys my R&B.
I thought that was pretty hot, actually!
Yeah, but it was still a protest song.
Okay. I take a short break to walky the doggy (s).
Please tell me what I’ve missed!
But I’ll have another blast in your honor now that you’re being liberated from the Jesus freaks.
Oh, I didn’t listen to the words. The rendition was great, whateverthehell they were singing.
I never liked Carrie. I wanted Bo to win two years ago. I still don’t like Carrie. Her voice grates on me.
She’s been successful as a country recording artiste, however, in spite of my non-approval.
And it’s a fucking feather in her cap that a country girl from a small town in Oklahoma has taken that thready voice so far, as it were, so to speak.
So, that’s what you missed. Carrie Underwood.
Wow, like only 48 minutes until we get the results.
I think I’ll get drunk tonight. I’ll be in a much better frame of mind to hear from Faber’s office tomorrow if I have a throbbing hangover.
Oh, and you’re missing the African Children’s Choir, too.
And the big Sanjaya feature.
With Joe Perry from Aerosmith.
I’m back just in time!!!!!!! GO SANJAYA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He’s doing The Kinks thing.
He’s not shy, that kid.
That was very exciting….zzzzzzzzzz
And I can sleep through this, too.
Love this song…but they’ll cut the F word.
And I really like this band.
No likey Green Day????
They drone on and on
This is so not an AI song. John Lennon is probably rolling in his grave.
I think they’re hot band.
Math Guy is not happy tonight. He’s pissed at my soon-to-be former employers.
Turkey….are you there????
Enough already!
Tell Math Guy to get over it. You’re better than they are, and that’s all there is to it.
Who me??
Well, he agrees with you about that part. He’s pissed because he thinks they were jerks.
It’s Gwen Stefani.
People ARE jerks. That’s life.
Unless you plan to lob a grenade into their waiting room, it doesn’t pay to grouse over it. It ain’t going to change anything.
Yeh, yeh. He’s annoyed because he thinks they didn’t give me much of a chance. I have to agree with him there. On the other hand, he’s glad I’m leaving because he felt it wasn’t a great match (though he never said that until now).
Who is this joker?
Just what I didn’t need: Taylor Hicks.
Last year’s Idol.
He’s a dork.
He’s out of breath.
He needs a better hair colorist.
Katharine McPhee was so my favorite last year and somehow this idiot got the votes.
Okay, he just redeemed himself with the harp playing.
Ruben hasn’t really had a sparkling career.
Hey his tie matches her frock!
Who did this tune? Marvin and Tammy? Or that real tall couple..can’t remember their name.
I like Rueben.
Ashford and Simpson.
You know, I’m enjoying this show way more than I thought I would. There is quite a bit of performing and not as much filler stuff. They’re actually doing a decent job with it. A pretty good line-up of guests to boot!
Ruben hasn’t does anywhere near as well as his runner-up, Clay Aiken.
Yeah, Ashford and Simpson, that’s who I was trying to think of.
This newsbabe is so full of herself.
Ick. Clay Aiken. Even the name sucks.
So does he, I understand.
The next two weeks are going to be a bit weird, me still working at the clinic, after being let go.
You’re such a card!
We have this Dodge Ram commercial on a Ford show!
I know, Patti…that’s a tough position to be in. I hope it goes quickly for you.
Who was that guy sitting at the desk, shaking his head? Looked kind of scruffy.
Bette doesn’t sound in tune tonight. She was funny when she played the bath houses. Did you ever see any old film of those performances?
Never liked Bette Middler, even when she COULD sing.
I hate that this terrific personality has to sing schlock like this.
Man, this is terrible. What has happened to her?
Don’t know who the guy was, and get Bette offa there!!!!
She’s THE ROSE….THE ROSE!!!
YIKES!!!!!
HELP PLEASE HELP…..
PLEASE GO AWAY…LET THE WIND CARRY YOU AWAY….
GO
AWAY
PLEASE.
(THANK YOU.)
15 minutes left. What major surprises lie in wait.
I’m telling you, it’s Britney Spears. She’s going to pass on a kiss to Jordin like Madonna did with her.
I gotta take a leak.
I am back.
Who is this chick?
This explains Randy’s choice of jacket attire last night.
That was a bit overdone.
Is this Kelly Clarkson? They don’t introduce anybody, they just expect you to know!
This is a bad acid trip.
Now, we get Taylor’s “singin’ face”
Poor John…will no one let him rest tonight?
Well, then. You didn’t miss Carrie after all.
Whoops! Little mistake there. I bet she never even heard this song until last week. This performance proves it.
Carrie’s thighs are a bit fleshy for that dress.
Why do you think I’d miss Carrie? I’ve been right here. Scroll up Turkey!
She needs to work out those gams.
You were walking the curs during her last performance.
Ruben has the sense not to show his thighs.
This acid trip is getting weirder and weirder.
Yeah, what’s the big deal about her?
Now this is a bit better.
Haley, you’re not a singer, but I like your ass.
I think Haley has a future at the Playboy Mansion.
The big deal about Carrie is that she sold 6,000,000 albums.
What no, Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite?
Actually, I enjoyed hearing those old songs. It’s good they paid tribute to such an old treasure!
I think we must be about ready to crown our idol when we return from eight minutes of commercials. Se bailate.
It’s really hard not to feel cynical watching this show. The innocence of the Ed Sullivan days is gone.
Okay, Turkey! Let’s get serious.
Who is it going to be?
I say Jordin.
Jordin.
The show is going overtime.
America has voted.
I like the dress color.
Paula waffles, as usual.
OK, now it’s officially over.
Once again, Turkey, we called it!
Now what happens?
Now she gets to sing that lame this is your now crap.
Okay, sing it, kid. You’re about to make a great deal of money.
Paula is hammmmmmmmmmmmmered.
This song is such a lame piece of ____.
Well, Turkey. You predicted weeks ago that Jordin would win–you were right.
You saw it coming too.
The all-inclusive group-grope, and we’re out….
Turkey, it’s been a fun ride!
That does it! We’re done. It’s been nice blogging withya, Redhead.
Turkey…are you….
hammered?
Goodnight, and seeya next January for more Idol. And no, I’m not hammered.
Until next season, Turkey, I bid you a fond adieu.
P.S.
Paula has left the building….
hammered 🙂
Hey, Margie went to med school with that Dube babe.
Huh?
Oh, I’m watching ch 35 news about the fake doctor in Longwood.
The babe with the red suit is such a weenie.
She looks like she just sucked on a lemon.
OK…I’m reduced to inane local news commentary, so I’m going to bug off.
Goodnight, Red!
And where was Brittney? And where was Marvin Gaye?
Maybe they’ll turn up next season 🙂