This is the final week of American Idol for 2007, and I’m glad. Two contestants remain, Jordin and Blake, one of whom will be our next American Idol. This means that I won’t have this lame-ass stuff to write about anymore. Furthermore, I lament that there will be no more ongoing comment narrative between The Redhead and me about this show after this week for the remainder of the year. I think it is good that we’re not subjected to AI 52 weeks a year. I get more than my fill of their vacuous crap for the five months out of the year the damn thing is producing new material. But I digress.
The Redhead informs me that Paula Abdul broke her nose tripping over her Chihuahua named “Tulip.” The ever entertaining judges, superfluous at this stage of the competition, continue to provide twists and turns. Yeah, they’re part of the entertainment package. Paula will be lovely with her nose in a sling.
So, our two musical babes in the woods will square off tonight for the final sing-off. Jordin will try to avoid taking unnecessary risks, for if she plays it straight, she’ll win this thing. Blake, who has practiced musical risk-taking as if it were a martial art, would be best advised to reel it in. The beatbox crapola might have gotten him here, but it won’t put him over the top. It might just torpedo his ass and sink his ship.
Jordin is certain to have good career choices ahead of her, win or lose. For Blake, the path forward is uncertain. His voice is pedestrian and the gimmicks get old over time. (But look what Bob Dylan did with a pedestrian voice and a gimmick—although I doubt that Blake, who has nothing “important” to say, will ever challenge Herr Zimmerman’s hyped role as “the voice of a generation.”)
So, with everything on the line, they’ll sing their hearts out and they’ll sing their asses off (in Jordin’s case, that would be a shame), and America will vote. Twenty-five hours of buzzing phone lines and water cooler debates later, we’ll get the happy news.
Indeed, we’ll have to wait until Wednesday night’s boring, two-hour extravaganza to see how “America voted.” And we’ll wait quite a while. Two hours of fluff awaits us, including The Dreaded Return of Sanjaya (accompanied by the welcome Legs of Haley). We’ll have monotonous surprises to break the monotony of waiting. Old Idols, old almost-Idols, and never-was, wannabe idols will appear, the last category being a sardonically comedic display of the talentless. This stew will be peppered by commercial advertising by the two prime sponsors, Ford and Coca-Cola, along with countless minutes of promotions for Fox’s summer line-up. All of this to get us to the final five minutes when the new American Idol will be announced.
It will be Jordin, and on Thursday, we can put this bullshit behind us!