App State Visits Rebuilding/Reloading Nittany Lions
Are we “rebuilding” or “reloading”? Only the sports writers know for sure, and they are always wrong. Besides, both metaphors suck and who cares?The Appalachian State Mountaineers, now coached by Scott Satterfield, come to St. Joe Memorial Stadium at Beaver Field to take on the mighty, rebuilding, recharging, or reloading Nittany Lions on Saturday, September 1 at 3:30 in the PM. You know I’m going to be watching from the comfort of Jackstand’s sofa.
Appalachian State is famous for two things: beating Michigan in 2007 and liver mush. The former needs no explanation. The young upstarts beat Fifth Ranked Big Blue back in the Lloyd Carr era. Carr retired after that. The latter — well, it has to be experienced. However, I have provided a photo of the delightful breakfast dish being served by a delightful waitress at the delightful Boone Drug Company during a visit by Artificially Sweetened and this turkey back in the summer of 2008, when the spirit of victory was fresh and the mush was sweet. Or whatever liver mush is.
Here Come the Rebuilding Mountaineers
Who are those Mountaineers. Well, lemme tell you. Under Satterfield, they have been co-champs of the Sun Belt Conference twice, posting 9-3 (7-1) and 8-4 (7-1) records the past two years. Last year they were blown out by Georgia in the season opener, then later lost narrowly to Wake Forest, UMass (2 OT), and UL Monroe. The wound up a successful season clobbering Toledo in the Dollar General Bowl (wherever the hell that is) 34-0.
The App State defense overwhelmed Toledo, holding them to just 146 total yards and a goose egg on the scoreboard. The Rockets had been averaging just about 40 points per game. Senior Linebacker Anthony Flory was the defensive stud, recording eight tackles and an interception.
Offensively, Senior Running Back Jalin Moore was the game MVP with 125 yards and three touchdowns.
Both Flory and Moore will be back to torment the Nittany Lions on Saturday. Otherwise, the Mountaineers are either reloading, rebuilding, or recalcitrant.
But What of the Reloading Lions?
What of the Lions, you ask? In one paragraph, I’ll tell you the same things you already know.
The offensive line might be serviceable, for a change. (About time we stop bitching about them). Trace McSorley might be one of the best quarterbacks in college football, and is certainly worthy of Heisman consideration. Miles Sanders and Mark Allen together ain’t no Saquon Barkley. Juwan Johnson and DeAndre Thompkins together ain’t no DeSean Hamilton. (But watch out for Mac Hippenhammer). There ain’t no replacement for Mike Gesicki yet. Finally, the defense could be soft in the middle and in the secondary.
Rebuilding? Reloading? You tell me. Whatever the hell it is, somehow the AP pre-season poll has PSU ranked #10 — probably because we wound up last year ranked #8. But then what does last year have to do with this year other than that the gun that’s being reloaded is being rebuilt?
The coaching staff took a hit with the departure of offensive “genius” Joe “I beat Army when I was at Fordham” Morehead. Morehead is now head coach of the Mississississippippi State Bulldogs, the Starkville team once coached by our dear friend Jackie “Castrate ‘Em” Sherrill. Ricky Rahne will have big shoes to fill as our new offensive genius.
The net-net is that I don’t know much about what this team is or where it is going. Besides, I’m getting over a cold contracted during a long road trip and I’m currently sporting a headache exacerbated by the dulcet tones of Mexican workers initiating what will be a 3-4 week job on the turkey coop roof. So, I’m not in a very favorable mood for speculation about where this rebuilding thing is going.
Distinguished Alumna: Caitlin Upton
Boy, have I been waiting for this! Remember the 2007 Miss Teen USA pageant where little Caitlin delivered an extemporaneous response to the question, “Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can’t locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?”
I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, uh, people out there in our nation don’t have maps and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future. For our children.
Caitlin’s teen picture has been featured several times in this blog because she is the quintessence of blonde cluelessness. But what has happened to her since that fateful night back in 2006?
Well, first of all, she must have located a map after being Miss Teen South Carolina, because she managed to find Boone, North Carolina somehow.
But beyond Boone, her life has been pretty good as she is now selling real estate in Brentwood, California (dat where OJ lived). She married personal trainer Charlie McNeil in 2016.
And how well did she age, you ask? Well, the past twelve years have only enhanced her looks, methinks.
Back to the Game Already, Da Wedda, Such As
Let’s start with da Wedda. The Hack-u-Weather forecast calls for a high of 76 and a possible morning shower. We actually hope the shower is a reality, because those guys are pretty gamy after practicing all week.
Da Bottom Line
And for those of you who aren’t part of the Original Six, this is where I insert my weekly Official Turkey Poop Prediction, which is about as good as anything else I can pull out of my cloaca.
Whenceforth goeth the Lions of 2018? No one yet knows. In a famous utterance of one of my colleagues, “They’re 12-0 right now.” Yeah, that makes sense. By that logic, they’re also 0-12. Will there be a Big Ten championship? Will they beat the Urbanful Buckaroos? (He got only a three-game setback). How about the CFP and the still somewhat mythical national championship (SSMNC)? The consummate early season quasi-quandary pervades my predictably precariously perched bird brain.
What you want? Pellucidity? But I digress.
Penn State is a 24-point favorite over the Mountaineers, with an over/under of 54. Now, performing some simple mathematics, which ain’t so simple with the pounding going on directly over (and also inside) my head, the sports books tell us their clients think the game will wind up 39-15 in favor of the Lionzes. Whichin I say, uh, I personally believe that the PSU, such as, actually could like do better on offense, such as, and maybe give up a few more on defense to the App State. Penn State 42, App State 17. Take the over.
The Turkey will be back after the game with an insightful recap and some other major bullshit.
To those of you who commented on my previous post and didn’t get a response, I apologize. I value you, my six readers, and all your comments. I’ve been busier’n a cat tryin’ to hide shit on a sidewalk around here, given the road trip and the humongous roofing job. I promise to do better now that the season is starting!