Nooner Nooner Nooner

Three Nooners in a Row, At Least

Penn State has become the Rodney Dangerfield of the ESPN/ABC/FOX/BTN TV schedulers, relegated to the noontime slot for at least three games in a row, and maybe four. That blows! I’m telling you, they don’t get no respect. And avast, me schmuckos, if they come out with “that dullard look” about them, or if they are still shell-shocked from their loss to Minnesota, they might could put themselves in jeopardy of losing two of the three remaining games.

(I like that Piedmont Prose conditional expression “might could.” It’s so much more gratuitously redundant and roundly rhythmical than saying just “might”. It keeps the tongue flopping around while somehow averting a subluxation of the ganektiga zoink.)

Penix Out

#9 Penn State (8-1, 5-1) squares off against the brave but injured Indiana Hoosiers (7-2, 4-2) at noon in Beaver Stadium (formerly known as St. Joe Memorial Stadium). Yes, youthful but non-durable freshman quarterback sensation Michael Penis Penix, Jr. (sorry — I’m 13 intellectually) is out for the rest of the season. ‘Tis true, forsooth: The Hoosiers have their Penix out!

With Penix out, junior Peyton Ramsey, a familiar face, gets the call. Now, Ramses was a popular brand of condoms back in the day, so, completing my facetious metaphor might well could be child’s play. Ramsey’s — the ultimate in protection for your Penix. But I digest (sic).

Whodat Indiana?

Indiana quietly got to 7-2 by beating the weak sisters of the Big Ten: Rutgers, Maryland, Nebraska, and Northwestern — throw out NWU and you have the Jim Delany expansion schedule all over again. Oh, shit, look at where that rationalization got us last week! Yeah, the Sanguinarians pooh-poohed Minnesota’s weak resume (Who have they beaten? I mean really?), so the Rodents came out of their burrows overstimulated and kicked ass. Now, granted, the Hoosiers have lost two — tOSU (resoundingly) and Moo U. (shoulda won) — but we don’t want your damn, convoluted logic rubbing off on the Lions. They actually need to show up and play, especially with Indiana well-rested, coming off a bye week. No friggin’ dullard look, guys!

Defense

Fortunately for the Lions, the Hoosiers defense suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks, not to mention that they’ve had only three interceptions all year, which matches the total given up by the Penn State offense last week. Well, I can’t say they suck all that much, as they rank 7th in the B1G in total defense to Penn State’s 5th, and they do much better than PSU against the pass. They just don’t pick many off. Do they have to? That remains to be seen. If Clifford and his receivers perform as they did last week, the Hoosiers could put the Mighty McCabe Sisters in their defensive backfield and still have a great game.

Offense

Their offense, which ain’t exactly what this turkey would call balanced, ranks second only to tOSU. Indiana’s passing offense is tops in the B1G. Deep with talent, it possesses the best wide receiver tandem in the league. Ramsey is a decent passer, having thrown for 1,302 yards, three TDs, and only three interceptions this season and a completion rate of 72%. Three interceptions? Sean Clifford equaled that number in one week. (Yeah, I know — let it go, Turkey!) Seems like the Brent Pry/Jerry Sandusky soft zone is ripe for the picking, if you forget the opposition against which all those big numbers were established, as it were. (Appending “as it were” makes for stilted, snooty prose, as it were). Furthermore, their Penix is out.

Anyhow, Beware the Ides of Nativeamericaniana! Et tu, Brute! Trap game? Nahhhhhhh, not hardly. Maybe if the Nits had beaten Minnesota and were looking past the Hoosiers to next weekend. Maybe then. But not now. They had all week to focus on this game and even though I hate that bullshit cliché crap about going 1-0 this week, that’s what they need to do. Take care of business, fix the pass defense, and walk away with a “W” in this week’s Super Bowl against Indiana. Whattya t’ink?

Da Wedda

Checking the Penn State dudes at AccuWeather, I find them touting a cold, sunny day, with a high of 35° and no precipitation. Keep your hands warm and watch out for frostbite if your Penix is out.

Da Bottom Line

There comes a time in each season when we have all our ducks in a row and know exactly what will happen. We ain’t there yet. Just when you think they’re rounding into form they develop a case of dropsy and throw three interceptions, making their coach bitchily extend media meets with terminal rants decrying fans and reporters second-guessing him and representing opinions as facts. Of course, if he and his staff had gotten the boys ready to play a skilled and pumped-up band of angry rodents, he wouldn’t have to answer to the naïve but hypercritical fans. So once again, Franklin, put that in your mouth and suck it!

Prayers.

I’m hoping — perhaps against hope — and praying to the football gods that the brain trust can recognize and correct “that dullard look” and that home turf will prove beneficial in that regard. I am further pleading for a perfect game from these guys — turnovers are Satan’s work — hoping they get enough sleep, and can wake up before the noon kickoff. Ohhhhh Shammmmaaaaaaa, please bestow upon us, your children, your fragrant blessings, the all-knowing One in whose holy name we aim to distort the will of the Holy Divine Football Father, in St. Joe’s name, we pray. Amen.

Let’s look at how Satan’s team sees this. The sinful gamblers are currently looking at PSU – 14.5 with an over/under of 54.5, which works out to 35-20, in favor of the sleepers and non-DACA dreamers of Mt. Nittany. If Shamma does his thing properly, meaning that our prayers are answered (preferably with advance email notice so we can get a bet to our respective bookies), this game should work out exactly like that. So, that’s what I’ll say. Penn State 35, Nativeamericaniana 20. Stay off the o/u.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Looking down the road, I’ll be taking Thanksgiving Week off. Being a turkey, I will be going deep into hiding. Rumor has it that I might be temporarily sequestered in the heart of Big Ten country somewhere. Because our fate will have been decided by then and because we play a meaningless Jim Delany pseudo-rivalry bowl tuneup with Piscataway Junior High that week, my sparkling yet superfluous insights will be diverted to a Thanksgiving table somewhere in Chicago. I have plenty of opportunities between now and then, but being a foul old fowl, with the emphasis on old, I sometimes forget my social graces, so, HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL!

But I digress. I’ll be back after the Nativeamericaniana game with the usual bullshit.