The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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Laser Focus: Awards, Firings, and Faux Pas

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Football season is over for the Nittany Lions. Duh. Well, we had a helluva year, one that we’ll keep in our minds and our hearts forever. Exceeding all expectations, our courageous warriors played their asses off “for the glory” — Penn State pride in defiance of the ridiculously draconian obstacles forced into their path by the megalomaniacs of the NCAA and the Big Ten. This turkey hopes that the winning mentality can persevere through the next five tough years.

I’m not going to sit here and write one of those season retrospective pieces you see everywhere you turn. However, I do want to add some postscripts, recognizing some individual and team accomplishments. Writing about it extends the season for a turkey.

The B1G individual awards are named for distinguished former players. For an example that hits close to home, the Kwalick-Clark Award for tight end of the year is named after Ted Kwalick, who played tight end for Penn State long before the bright idea of joining the Big Ten ever entered anyone’s mind, and Dallas Clark of Iowa from more recent times. This year, two Penn State players received individual awards. The Richter-Howard Receiver of the Year award, named for Wisconsin’s Pat Richter and Michigan’s Desmond Howard, went to Allen Robinson, while the Butkus-Fitzgerald Linebacker of the Year award, named for Illinois’ Dick Butkus and Northwestern’s Pat Fitzgerald, went to Mike Mauti.

Both Big Ten coaches and media wonks on the Big Ten beat get to select All-Conference teams. The coaches accorded first team honors to Allen Robinson, Matt Stankiewitch, John Urschel (a tie with Spencer Long of Nebraska), Jordan Hill, and Mike Mauti; and second team honors to Gerald Hodges, while the media dorks selected Allen Robinson, Kyle Carter, Jordan Hill, and Mike Mauti for first team, and Matt Stankiewitch, John Urschel, and Gerald Hodges for second team. The coaches gave honorable mention to Adrian Amos, Deion Barnes, Kyle Carter, Mike Farrell, Matt McGloin, and Stephon Morris, while the dicks mentioned Adrian Amos, Deion Barnes, Mike Farrell, Matt McGloin, Stephon Morris, Sean Stanley, and Zach Zwinak. Finally, the Big Ten Sportsmanship Award Honorees included Jordan Hill.

A few of you expected Matt McGloin to make first team, but with Taylor Martinez and Braxton Miller in the conference, that wasn’t about to happen. The coaches favored Martinez, while the pseudo-experts liked Miller. However, another possible award might be in the offing for the feisty Scrantonian (Scrantonite sounds too much like a local variety of anthracite). The Burlsworth Trophy is presented to the nation’s top college football player who began his career as a walk-on. (Hey, wait a minute! We don’t call them walk-ons anymore. They’re run-ons in the approved athletospeak of the Bill O’Brien Era.) The Springdale Rotary Club presents the award and fans can vote via the AT&T Fan Vote at the Burlsworth website. I implore you to vote early and vote often, in order to properly recognize McGloin’s contribution this year. Penn State’s got numbers — let’s use them!

The trophy itself has a bronze likeness of what appears to be a chunky bronze lineman mounted on a polished burled wood base. Hmmm, perhaps it should have been the Burlwood trophy. In any case, it will look great on McGloin’s desk as he embarks on his career in his chosen field of telecommunications.

Sam Ficken
Sam Ficken – Big Ten Special Teams Player of the Week

And, speaking of unlikely honors, or honors we would have thought to be impossible two or three weeks ago, Sam Ficken was named Big Ten Special Teams Player of the Week because of his clutch performance in the Wisconsin game. He also gets our Nittany Turkey Special Teams Nose of the Year award and is a strong contender for the Jimmy Durante All-Time Schnozzola Award. Additionally, Jordan Hill was selected as Big Ten Defensive Player of the Week.

Finally, coach Bill O’Brien earned the Big Ten Pottymouth of the Week award for his emotional response about his players after the Wisconsin game, which might very well replace Joe Paterno’s 1995 midfield exchange with Doug Graber as our favorite pottymouth moment. No sphincter control at all there for the proud coach in front of ESPN mikes. What a bunch of fuckers, man! Good work, Coach!

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Following its overtime victory over Wisconsin, Penn State has been named the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl’s National Team of the Week, as selected by the Football Writers Association of America. This is the Nittany Lions’ third such honor, the previous two being bestowed upon the team after victories over Ohio State in 2005 and 2008.

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Football is one thing and babe-ball is quite another. Number One Penn State’s Women’s Volleyball team is right up there’ with the best of the best. Congratulations to them for another terrific season (29-2, 19-1 Big Ten), and for the postseason Big Ten awards they snagged. To wit, junior Ariel Scott was named Big Ten Player of the Year, Micha Hancock grabbed Big Ten Setter of the Year, Megan Courtney was Big Ten Freshman of the Year, and good old head coach Russ Rose was tabbed as Big Ten Coach of the Year for the eleventh time, and the fifth time in the past six years.

They ought to have an award for that thing they do after each point is played, where they huddle up and grab each others’ asses, but I’m not aware of one.

Ariel Scott, Micha Hancock, Katie Slay, and Deja McClendon were selected to the All-Big Ten Team. Scott and McClendon were unanimously selected by Big Ten coaches. Megan Courtney’s selection to the Big Ten All-Freshman team was also unanimous. Kristin Carpenter was Penn State’s Big Ten Sportsmanship honoree.

There are no post-season sanctions for the volleyball team, although Emmert and Triponey probably had a late-night session to figure out how to stack the cards against these perennial winners. OK, JUST KIDDING!! The Nittany Lionesses will indeed play in the post-season, starting this Friday night, November 30 at Rec Hall. They’ve earned the number one seed and will play Binghamton in the first round. If they advance, which they damn well better, they’ll get the winner of the Yale vs Bowling Green game, which also will be played at Rec Hall.

Good luck, Lionesses! You make us proud!

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 The annual spate of head coach firings proceeds apace. After ‘Bama decimated Iron Bowl rival Auburn 49-0, and in the wake of news that the NCAA will investigate Auburn assistant coaches for alleged recruiting violations, the War Eagle has carried off head coach Gene Chizik to that great aerie in the sky. Never able to leave a good story alone, the ONION has recognized Chizik’s Firing in its insouciant, humorous style, with a photo and a headline: “Gene Chizik Fired Just Two Years Before Auburn’s National Title Stripped Away.” I thought you Penn State folks would appreciate the sardonic humor.

Also headlined in the ONION: “Longstanding Rutgers-Iowa Rivalry to Be Reignited in Big Ten Conference.”

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Holy David Jones, Batman! Speaking of premature, wild-ass, irresponsible speculation, Bleacher Report this morning was already mulling over who would replace Bill O’Brien if he were to bolt to the NFL. Talk about a cheap-ass non-story! Yeah, I know — if they’re right about him leaving, they’ll be able to point back at their “prescient” article and say, “I told you so.” But who the hell even wants to think about that now? Can’t we just enjoy the fine season, of which Bill O’Brien was a great facilitator?

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Five more years! Ex-Nittany Lion Navorro Bowman has been rewarded by the San Francisco 49ers with a five-year extension to his contract. Way to go, Navorro!

Wrong Again, Happily

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I deserve all the scorn that has come and will come my way as the Nittany Lions (8-4, 6-2 Big Ten) defeated the Badgers (7-5, 4-4), who are heading to Indianapolis through the back door, to close a season replete with unexpected successes. The final score in the single overtime victory was 24-21.

On an emotional Senior Day, Mike Mauti, sidelined with a knee injury, was the team’s inspiration. Several players wore his number 42 on their helmets and even on their backs in tribute to the fallen hero, who is the living symbol of the fire and determination of the 2012 seniors. Mauti, dressed in civvy jeans and his number 42 jersey, led the team spiritually from the sideline, and participated in the coin tosses.

Whatever mojo Mauti supplied was visible on the field. As the hack sportswriters said, this was Penn State’s bowl game. No post-season for them. The Badgers, on the other hand, were inextricably plugged into the Leaders Division slot in the Big Ten Conference championship game in Indianapolis next week, although they would wind up in third place behind the Buckeyes and the Nittany Lions, both of whom are enjoined from post-season play. I wrote on Friday that the game really didn’t matter for either team, but apparently, Penn State didn’t get the message.

(Wisconsin will play Nebraska for the Big Ten title on Saturday. Legends Division champ Nebraska (10-2, 7-1) defeated Iowa (4-8, 2-6) 13-7 in a game of no import whatsoever. ??? ???? ?????? )

To this turkey, it seemed that Bret Bielema altered his typical game plan for whatever reason. In any case, the Penn State defense was fired up and ready for whatever the Badgers threw at them, aerially and terrestrially. Glenn Carson led the way with nine solo tackles and four assists, while Jordan Hill, who seemed to be everywhere at once, had eight and four. They held Montee Ball to 111 net yards, and kept the Badgers well under their 212-yard season rushing average with a mere 158. It was a fine defensive showing that also forced Wisconsin to go 5-16 on third-down conversions.

Meanwhile, Zach Zwinach was the offensive story for the Nittany Lions. He had what you might call a career day, with 36 carries for 179 yards and a touchdown. The hot-headed Matt McGloin, who at one point admonished his offensive lineman to give him some protection, wound up 19-37 for 200 yards and a touchdown. He was sacked three times.

We finally got to see the return of Bill Belton, who was pressed into service as a kick returner. He returned one for 17 yards.

Sam Ficken was a perfect 3-3, including what turned out to be the winning field goal. ???? ???? ?????? It must have been a great feeling for the guy who many fans wanted to run out of town at various points in the first half of the season, and who single-footedly inspired a change in the Penn State offense to favor fourth-down conversion attempts over field goal attempts.

The announced attendance of 93,505 sucked. The weather might have been a factor, but the low number was a disappointment. In fact, it was the least attended game since the last major Beaver Stadium expansion.

I’m glad I was way off with my prediction. The gamblers hit the over/under right down the middle. ??? ???? ?? ???????? The spread was correctly small.

This was the game the Nittany Lions needed to cap a season in which just about everyone’s expectations were exceeded, not the least of all being this turkey. Eight wins? Who knew. Much deserved praise will be heaped on them this morning. They’ll be long remembered as a group that overcame significant barriers to produce a pleasing outcome.

And Mark Emmert can eat shit.

Sudden Impact: Senior Day & What Not

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It’s that time of the season again, the day when we recognize the contributions of the senior ballers who have led the Nittany Lions through thick and thin, some of them for four or five seasons. This issue of Sudden Impact takes a jaundiced look at the game itself, which is the final game of the season, damnit. And, of course, there is no need to mention that there will be no post-season, but I mention it anyway. Before I get to the Wisconsin game, though, I want to vent about something that happened on my Thanksgiving trip.

I had just arrived in Ft. Lauderdale after a four-hour drive from up here in Central Florida. I was hungry, so before I checked in at my hotel, I wanted to pick up a sandwich to eat in my room.

The scene is a Publix supermarket in Davie, Florida. I proceed to the deli section to buy a sandwich. As I arrive there, I encounter a Hispanic babe sitting on the edge of the open-top cooler, with her butt hanging squarely on one of those large, round party sandwich platters. I glare at her and loudly admonish her (so all the louts who stood there saying nothing would take note), “Yeah, like we all want to eat sandwiches that had your ass all over them!” She gets up. I pick up what I need from the deli and I am leaving when out of the corner of my eye I see Juanita about to plunk her ass down in the cooler again. So, I turn around and snap at her, “I’m still here!” She gets up again. All the while, her little flat-affect toddler is sitting in the cart looking at me with big brown eyes that asked “WTF??”

Question for my trusted readers: Do you think I was polite enough or should I have done it in Spanish?

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Bill O’Brien establishes a new tradition for Senior Day practices.

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So,  here we are at the end of another season. Everyone’s saying, “Boy, that went fast!” Sometimes, the end comes mercifully, like 2004, but this year no one wanted to see it end. This scrappy bunch of guys just kept getting better as the season wore on.

Let’s get this out of the way before we go any further. You really needed that, you know!

Wisconsin BadgersYou won’t be surprised to know that Penn State is the underdog in this game. Why should Wisconsin (7-4, 4-3 Big Ten) be favored over Penn State (7-4, 5-2)? They have identical overall records, and Penn State has only two conference losses versus the Badgers’ three. I suppose the punters and the gamblers all believe that Wisconsin is the better team. We need to look at this more closely.

Wisconsin’s losses were to #15 Oregon State (8-2), #14 Nebraska (9-2), Moo U. (5-6), and #4* OSU (11-0). Penn State lost to Ohio (8-3), Virginia (4-7), #4* OSU (11-0), and #14 Nebraska (9-2). Yeah, Penn State lost to some pretty crappy opponents, but Wisconsin beat Northern Iowa and Utah State by the slimmest of margins.

So, it’s not in the comparative records of the two schools this year. It obviously isn’t in the home field advantage, because this is a home game for the Nittany Lions. It’s not “Penn State prejudice” by the Big Ten traditionalists, as the Penn State paranoiacs would have it, because we’re not talking politics, we’re talking people’s hard-earned money. The money is clearly going the Badgers’ way.

Home field advantage is usually good for roughly a field goal, but Wisconsin is favored by two points. That’s saying that on a neutral field, Penn State is worse than Wisconsin by almost two field goals. Do you believe that?

I do. I’ll give you my reasons forthwith, but first I’ve got to say that, unlike Penn State, Wisconsin was in contention in both the Ohio State and Nebraska games right down to the wire. There is no second-half letdown with these guys — unlike Penn State. I’ve been harping on that and I will continue to harp on it until O’Brien gets something done about it, although some of it is structural — a lack of depth leading to defensive fatigue.

Wisconsin plays ball control football. They don’t have an amazing, quick strike offense, just a ponderously pachydermal offensive line, a plundering Heisman finalist tailback, and a penurious defense.  In the overtime loss to Ohio State, for example, Wisconsin held the time-of-possession advantage, 37:17 to 22:43; beating Indiana 62-14 (the game in which the Badgers rang up 524 yards rushing), they utterly dominated: 39:27 to 20:33. ????? ??????? If ever there were a game in which stopping the run was key, this one sure as hell is it.

Want to wear down a defense? Throw an offensive line at them with an average weight of 326 lbs.(contrast with Nebraska’s corn-fed beef averaging 300 and Penn State averaging 306) , including 6-8, 342 lb right tackle Rob Havenstein and 6-4, 338 lb center Travis Frederick, then repeatedly hand the ball off to a quartet of running backs headed up by Montee Ball. You couple that with a defense that is lacking in depth and what do you have? A Penn State defensive line that drags its ass in the second half, opening up the floodgates for the full Montee.

Wisconsin’s run might be stoppable, but it will require a fully staffed and fresh defense to do it. With the loss of Mike Mauti, the defense is short an additional man-and-a-half. Not a good portent for this game. The Ohio State and Nebraska games were manageable in their first halves, but when the second half rolled around, their offenses gathered a second wind while our defense couldn’t manage to do so. I think this game will go the same way.

By the numbers, Wisconsin is averaging 217.64 ypg rushing (17th) and 165.64 ypg passing (110th nationally and worst in the B1G). Montee Ball is the seventh ranked runner in the nation and tops in the B1G with an average of 128.82. James White averages 61.82 per game. Can Penn State’s rushing defense, which allows 125.73 ypg (23rd) stop this rampaging runaway freight train? Methinks not.

Zach Zwinach has been doing well of late. His season average is 74.64. However, he’ll have a rough time running on Wisconsin, who allow 106.64 ypg (9th). If Matt McGloin and his talented receivers are our hope, we’ll have to be hoping pretty hard, because Wisconsin is also 25th in passing efficiency defense as well as pass defense versus the 34th ranked Nittany Lion passing offense. Nevertheless, McGloin’s ability to disrupt the Badger defense with well placed passes is indeed our great white hope for this game. I’d love to count on that, but with Kyle Carter out of the picture due to injury, it’s just that much more difficult.

The Badgers won’t be passing much, as they’re down to their third starting quarterback of the season, good ol’ What’s-His-Name. But Whosis doesn’t really need to toss the ball around when he has the full Montee and the Beefburgers. Wisconsin started out looking good at quarterback when they obtained a pre-season commitment from Danny O’Brien, whom they thought to be a ready-made starting quarterback to replace the departed Russell Wilson. It didn’t work out that way, and head coach Bret Bielema has found himself in the quintessential quarterback quandary ever since.

Wisconsin is heading to the Big Ten title game and Penn State is headed to final exams. The potential exists for a letdown due to the meaninglessness of this game, although a win would be a fitting tribute to the valiant seniors. Nonetheless, Wisconsin owns the series, winning nine of 11 games, usually winning by a huge margin.

It doesn’t help that Nittany Lions’ special teams have sucked and will continue to suck. Alas, Wisconsin has a couple of returners that could spell trouble to the coverage units. Alex Butterworth’s punts have been inconsistent, but if the game is not close, that won’t make a difference. Neither will Sam Ficken’s inconsistency. Is Ficken finally kickin’? Is he rounding into form? If so, too little and too late. This game won’t come down to a field goal, anyway.

McGloin seems to get flustered when he has to come from behind. He doesn’t control his emotions well, and he makes mistakes. He needs to shitcan that stuff when the going gets tough in this game. Will he? I believe that it will be difficult for him to do so, although I’ll repeat that he is a much improved player this year over last. I think he’ll wind up second string all-conference quarterback behind Taylor Martinez when the teams are announced on Monday.

The weather will be good old Central Pennsylvania Thanksgiving weekend weather. Forecast high is 36°F (0.0237298 electron volts) with snow showers totally likely. Gusty northeast winds of 14-26 mph (375 – 697 meters per second) will conspire against Ficken’s kickin’. The combination of temperature, snow, and wind (better known as “the weather”) might also conspire against halfway decent Senior Day attendance, which will be a crying shame.

Bret Bielema is a good coach. Bill O’Brien is a good coach. It’s about even there.

So, who’s going to win? I’ll tell you who’s going to win. ??? ???? ???????? Wisconsin’s going to win, and by a lot. The question going into this game is whether Penn State can beat a legitimate team. The Lions had their chances to prove that with Ohio State and Nebraska, but they weren’t up to the task.  So, this is it, the Test with a capital “T”. Wisconsin has weaknesses, but in spite of those deficits, they’re arguably able to play with the top teams in the B1G conference. I don’t think our guys will pass The Test. And so, sadly, it is time for the Last Official Turkey Poop Prediction for 2012. The gamblers favor the Badgers by two and the over/under is 45. (Contrast that with an over/under of 72 for the OK State vs Oklahoma game!) There just ain’t no substitute for good, old fashioned, ball control oriented power football, particularly when you have a side of beef at each OL position. Wisconsin wins this one going awayyyyyyyyyy 34-13, beating Penn State straight up and covering the spread. Ficken will be kickin’ two good ones for three attempts. Take the over. 

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A special surprise (which is no longer a surprise) is in store for Senior Day. The 2012 team will join other special teams  with their year posted permanently on the suites at Beaver Stadium. This turkey believes that 2012 needs to be remembered for many things, and thus, this is an appropriate thing to do. Facilitated by the draconian sanctions levied against Penn State by Mark Emmert and the NCAA, these seniors all could have bolted to other schools with impunity, but they stayed and exceeded everybody’s expectations. Screw you, Mark Emmert! May this 2012 also be a constant reminder that you are a total asshole and try as you will to destroy Penn State’s football program, the Nittany Lions will persevere. ???? ??????? ?????

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Speaking of the Big Ten expansion, I have to wonder who will wind up being Penn State’s rivalry match-up in the future, for the traditional end-of-season rivalry game. Maryland? Call it the Mason-Dixon Trophy and have it jointly designed by Penn State and Maryland functionaries? I smell another Land Grant Trophy in the making. But if they make the Terps the Nittany Lions’ season-end rivals, what would happen with Rutgers? Perhaps the Big Ten would have to bring in UNLV and make the game between the two casino states the Wise Guy Bowl and make it for the Pimm’s Cup.

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So, the latest NCAA investigation involving cultures of football is Auburn University. Some culture!

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Speaking of cultures of football, reader Joe turned up this mathematical paper co-authored by offensive lineman John Urschel, titled Instabilities in the Sun-Jupiter-Asteroid Three Body Problem. Yeah, we Penn Staters are all about football, and our players are semi-literate, right? Emmert can click on the link and shove dat up his astrophysical ass!

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Joel's DoormatLastly, in our Humor Department, as you know, I traveled south to be with my family for Thanksgiving. Arriving at my misanthropic, antisocial brother’s house, I was warmly greeted by the “welcome mat” pictured at left. The food was good, though.

 

That’ll do it until the next time, when we’ll look at the Wisconsin game in retrospect. In the meanwhile, I hope you all had a great tryptophan nap and are ready to rock and roll for Saturday’s big game!