The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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Home Archives for Adam Lambert

Farewell, Little “Dirty” Alexis

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This week, as Washington continues its sleight of hand smokescreen to convince us that the old conundrum, “I’m from the government and I’m here to help you” is not a joke, the mindless American Idol pseudo-entertainment is shifted forward one day, having been pre-empted by an Obama double-barreled Teleprompter extravaganza. As this Mouse watches a corrupt Congress (and he means both sides of the proverbial aisle) snatch up all his cheese, past, present, and future, steamrolling legislation that even our esteemed president seems powerless to modify, let alone thwart, because the big cheese, Nancy Pelosi, has his walnuts firmly in her leonine, socialist grasp with the the omnipresent tacit threat to squeeze them, a veritable Sword of Damocles, as it were, Mighty Mus must mollify his anxiety with the inane drivel of good old Idol.

Hey, this Mouse just realized something. We have three, not two, nights of mindless entertainment this week! Yea, verily, we have amateur night in Washington on Tuesday night, as our earn-while-you-learn president takes the podium and flawlessly delivers a smooth rendition of that old song, Oy, Have I Got a Bridge to Sell Ya! Wednesday and Thursday, we have the ascendent descendents of the contestants on the Ted Mack Original Amateur Hour competing to see who can be the next overhyped, mildly talented entertainer to grace the airwaves and our iPods. It’s all consistently bad entertainment, and this Mouse refuses to let it frustrate him. Obama and the other 10 contestants trying to either win or lose America’s hearts, if not its money, are there for our enjoyment.

Obama and congress are performing a magician’s act with your money, folks, and you don’t even know that it’s happening. Now you see it, now you don’t. Behind that curtain is my predecessor; it’s all his fault. ??? ????

Moving right along, a recap of last week’s result show festivities is in order. It was essentially country boredom time as a few country artists hawked their latest CDs, but who the hell cares about that. The results were what we had to wait for through all that, which of course was like Guantánamo torture (by which this Mouse means merely sending little Ali to bed without his cookies and milk, which is only defined as torture by the ACLU and Pelosi, if she’s looking to create a smokescreen for her own heavy-handed malfeasance). Oh, wait. Idol. [Yes, focus, Mouse. You’re so easily distracted by your quasi-political reveries! Have a glass of MUScatel and settle down! –Ed.]

OK, so throughout the results show, we had the usual cliff-hangers, with every contestant being made to stand up and shit in his or her pants as they are dragged through every mistake they made and the further torture (there’s that word again!) of being subjected to another round of comments by the so-called judges. Ryan Seacrest and the producers’ favored torture technique this season is standing up two contestants and, after suitably busting their balls (or ovaries, for you politically correct, anachronistic Women’s Libbers) by reciting the previous day’s ill-tempered assessments by Simon Cowell, asking the judges to state which one of the two should stay and which one should go. Of course, this is filler material, as “America” has already voted at that point and the results are already known to everybody but the (hopefully) Ford-buying, Coke-swilling  audience.

The “Judges’ Save” is a new concept this year, and it would come into play for the first time during this results show. Recall that the judges can save one contestant who is voted off the show by the popular vote. They can only do this once per season; after they save someone, they’ve shot their proverbial wad. Furthermore, they have to be unanimous in their ass-saving decision.

Poor little Alexis, who suffers from Tiny T & A Syndrome (TTAS), enough of a handicap in Hollywood already, was on the bubble last Wednesday night, as America voted and left her with the short straw. However, as she stood with Michael Sarver for the pre-result ball-breaking ceremony, the judges said that they had conferred and they had agreed to give one of the two an opportunity for a save if that particular individual was voted off by America. As it turned out, that meant Alexis, and she was indeed the one voted off. Seacrest told her to sing her ass off for the tribunal, who would then decide her ultimate and indelible fate.

The net-net: we’re short one blonde. Or short one short blonde. Whatever. No huge loss.

This week, the remaining ten contestants get to tackle Berry Gordy’s Motown sound. ???? ?????? Accordingly, one would expect the schvartzes to do well (this Mouse speaks Yiddish almost as well as Jackie Mason). However, there is only one of them, Lil Rounds. Do not fear, because Danny Gokey can do white boy soul pretty damn well. What the hell will Adam Lambert do?  That’s always the big question from week to week, and that is why he’s going to win this damn thing hands down! ??? ???? ????? ?? ???????? He’s a showman, versatile and full of surprises. Not one of the other nine contestants can hold a candle to him. It should be pretty funny, though, to see Michael Sarver sing R&B, which in his vocabulary probably stands for “rigs and beer.”

And, then, there’s the delightfully endowed, tattooed Megan Joy, who brings great joy to my tiny mouse loins. A few more weeks for this blonde, please. This Mouse deserves it, after having to put up with the crappy magician’s act in Washington.

Who Bites the Dust?

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Prettyboy entertainer Adam Lambert pulled off a miracle on American Idol on Tuesday night. He turned The Redhead into a believer.

Lambert’s weird rendition of Johnny Cash’s Ring of Fire on a night dedicated to the Grand Ole Opry proved to be a show stopper. Set to a spooky, minor key, sitar plucking, seductive rhythm, the arrangement mesmerized the audience and the so-called judges.

At age 27, Lambert is a seasoned performer who goes to extremes unthinkable by the other contestants, most of whom cloister themselves in safe material, lest they screw up. No risk, no reward. You can’t hit a home run if you don’t step up to the plate.

Another risk taker is this year’s tattooed lady, Megan Joy, who bet the farm that she could make us forget Patsy Cline while listening to Megan’s version of Walkin’ after Midnight. She did. Her sexy arrangement was much more Peggy Lee than Patsy Cline. If you ever want to get tattoos then you should go for it and maybe use a Tattoo Numbing Cream.

Although Simon dissed what he referred to a prom dress, it was a sexy, sultry, gauzy thing that showed off Megan’s best features. My only criticism is that the brown of the boulder holders clashed with the red/green of Megan’s gigantic right upper arm tattoo.

Anoop Desai, on whom I had all but given up, having predicted that he would go down last week, came back strong. He also took a risk, singing Always on My Mind, a country classic strongly identified with Willie Nelson. Anoop succeeded in “making it his own”, delivering one of the standout performances of the night.

Allison Iraheta, Danny Gokey, Kris Allen, and Matt Giraud also sang well, although they didn’t pass the Mouse’s Morning After Test: if I can’t remember anything other than that they sang well last night, I wouldn’t buy their recordings. This is not to say that they were bad. They were fine, just not memorable. Nevertheless, I think they’ll be safe for another week.

Michael Sarver, the roughneck, had great fun up there and I think it rubbed off on the audience. Country is a good genre for Michael. He won’t wind up in the top three or anything, but I believe he’ll be safe this week.

So, who’s going to leave?

I believe it will be either Lil Rounds or Alexis Grace.

While Scott MacIntyre’s bland performance left the so-called judges making lukewarm, waffling comments, this Mouse believes that he’ll squeak by yet another week.

Back to Alexis, she injected no energy and left no memories. Actually, I agree with the so-called judges about Alexis. She doesn’t smile and she did well with her hard-ass, bluesy, down and dirty stuff during the auditions. Leaving that behind for straight renditions of wan material is a mistake. That was her only edge. She pledged to “get dirty” next week if she returns. But that return is in doubt due to the weak performance this week.

Lil was out of her element doing country and it showed. She took a huge risk by choosing Independence Day by Martina McBride, her signature song. She made the further mistake of trying to sing it like Martina, which could only lead to unfavorable comparisons. The song has been overplayed, and much of the audience knows every note. Lil provided no surprises in an uncomfortable performance.

So, it will be goodbye Alexis or goodbye Lil, as we pare the group down to 10. This cut has additional significance: the remaining 10 will participate in the Idol Summer Tour.

Opening Night Jitters?

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So, we had our first night of the American Idol finals. Most of the performances were pretty mundane but there were a couple of standouts who might go pretty far in this year’s competion.

First, let me ask what in the hell was that feathery thing on Paula Abdul’s shoulder? It looked like a damn bird tried to commit suicide by flying full force into her, winding up as a pile of lifeless feathers.

OK, that was a smokescreen because I don’t have a lot to say here. Last night while I was supposed to be watching this lame-ass show, at times I was watching a more important NHL game while texting my niece-in-law about it, as she and her old man (my nephew) are avid supporters of the “other” team. So, I missed some performances, particularly as the hockey game went into overtime and, ultimately, a shoot-out. But I digress.

Simon announced that two contestants would perish on Wednesday night, and from the post-mortems I’ve read about the show, apparently, the judges will be involved in the eliminations somehow. Sounds like a Kim Jong Il sort of voting situation. Either vote for who we want or the judges will fix the election!

Anyhow, the performances I liked were Lil Rounds, Allison Iraheta, and Adam Lambert, not necessarily in that order. I honestly thought everyone else had opening night jitters and via either shitty song selection or just stage fright—being overwhelmed in a new situation—they did not perform up to their potential.

Honorable mention goes to Megan Joy, who I find to be a veritable slurpette. Alas, she only gets a mention here because she’s hot. She butchered her crappy choice of a song, “Rockin’ Robin.”  The other blonde I like, Alexis Grace, sang at a crucial time during the hockey game, so I have NFI how she did. (Some sloppy-ass reporting here, ain’t it?) My co-judge, The Redhead, thought she was “terrible.”  However, she also thinks Alexis is a teen. She hasn’t been a teen for two years, and she’s a mama to boot. I still want her ass.

I believe that Adam Lambert is the one to beat this year. He’s a seasoned performer who knows how to take command of the stage and his audience. He has an excellent voice, too, and he gave Paula an orgasm just by watching his performance. Most importantly, however, he’s got the type of looks that attract the vacuous teeny and tweeny demographic. Paula ain’t the only one who’ll be having orgasms dreaming of Adam. I think he’s got a large voting block already cemented, so to speak.

The other standout was Allisan Iraheta, who has been doing stuff like Kim Carnes and Heart thus far through the auditions and the preliminaries. She’s very young, 16 to be exact, but she has a smoky, powerful voice that can pull off the rock alto kind of stuff. She sure as hell doesn’t have any trouble getting up there and belting out a rock ballad.

Who is going to go? Well, poor Jorge sucked big time doing “Never Can Say Goodbye.” He should have tried a falsetto to sound more like the young Michael Jackson. What an ironic choice of a song for Jorge, because he will have to say goodbye tonight. No-no-no. No-no-no. No-no-no!  And man, Anoop was completely out of his league attempting “Beat It”, which came off looking like bad karaoke. Another ironic choice of songs here. Anoop will beat it tonight!