The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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Penalties’ll Killya

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Oregon 45, Penn State 37

I know you’ve all hashed and rehashed the game ad nauseam, so I won’t furtherhash it here. We knew in advance that if Penn State got off to a slow start against the #1 ranked team, it would be an uphill fight that had few chances of ending well. We all cringed as we recalled the myriad playing from behind situations we’ve observed this year, against the likes of Bowling Green and USC. The worst-case scenario would be not only starting slow and making execution errors but throwing in mental errors. Against the #1 team, that amounts to suicide.

Well, we saw all the above. The only thing missing in the early dullard performance was a plethora of coaching errors. No, the boys didn’t need any coaching help to shoot themselves in both feet, repeatedly, like Keystone Cops on a Mack Sennett set. I mean, how in the hell do you get a personal foul on a kickoff that was destined to be a touchback. I WILL blame the coaches for this kind of crap, which we have seen every week throughout the damn season. Why the hell is it still going on entering the post-season?

Four fifteen-yard penalties for fuck’s sake! Some of you like that “in yo’ face” shit. I don’t. In this case, it cost us a realistic shot at winning. After the first one, the guidance from the coaching staff should have come through loud and clear: Control your impulses, assholes!

Turnovers’ll Killya, Too!

As if the dumbass penalties weren’t sufficient half-witted errors to lose the damn game, we had Drew Allar’s two interceptions. He had his head straight up his ass for both. (No, I won’t be gentle. It is true and he will be the first to own up to it.)

The first crappy interception occurred in the second quarter, from the Penn State 11 yard-line already down 21-10. It was not quite a pick-six, but it put the ball on the PSU one yard-line. Oregon easily scored on the next play, making it 28-10. This was a crazy-ass pass to throw into coverage on second and ten from one’s own red zone. No excuses. Just a brain fart.

Similarly, Allar had no business throwing deep to a tightly covered receiver to end the game on second-and-one with time on the clock and the running game working well. He admitted that he mentally committed to targeting his primary receiver and went with him all the way. Another brain fart.

Penn State had a decent chance to win the game, but they screwed up. Losers will talk about officiating like children making excuses for their failures. Blow wind if it makes you feel good, but in your heart of hearts, you know that lack of discipline and patience, the most fundamental of fundamentals, is what screwed Penn State out of a serious shot at this Big Ten Championship. Big credit to Oregon, who played a mistake-free game and kept the game out of reach. They are deserving champions.

Playoff Bracket Revealed

Shfting to the College Football Playoffs, all the bullshit and predictions are behind us, as we now know what the playoff bracket will be. Penn State drew Southern Methodist University in the first round. It will be a home game for the Nittany Lions, which James Franklin facetiously characterized as playing with sixteen inches of snow on the field. Yeah, mid-December games in an open stadium in the frozen North are to die for — literally! But Penn State fans, being what they are, a hardy bunch, are elated that they’ll have another home game. By the time they thaw out, they’ll be wishing the game had been played in Dallas. (I remember one Pitt Game in late November, 1964, after which they had to put me on top of the dorm hallway radiator to unfreeze my balls. But I digress.).

Frankly, I do not know much about SMU. I can remember Shifty Craig James and his PSU hatred, but that has no bearing on the outcome of this game. Also, I remember Doak Walker. (Younger readers will say, “Who???”). But about this year’s squad, I know zilch. Thus, I will make no comments here about the game, snarky or otherwise. I’ll save that for a later preview and prediction.

One thing I can say now is that the Methodists and the Kitties get no respect from the schedulers. The contest is scheduled for a nominal noon kickoff on December 21, in sixteen inches of snow at Beaver Stadium. Imagine the bemused, dullard looks on the team exiting the tunnel into a snow cave. A whiter than white White Out! A veritable winter wonderland! I’ll speculate more about that in my pre-game post.

And was the selection committee expressing a sense of humor by giving us a path to the semi-finals through horses? If the Nittany Lions can cathandle the SMU Mustangs, they have the Boise State Broncos to look forward to (fortunately, not on a blue football field)

So, what else can I say? See you next time, when I lay upon you some heavy bullshit about the first-round playoff game with SMU.

It’s a Great Day for the Irish

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This is a tale of three Irishmen: Kelly, Kelly, and O’Brien. All three are college football coaches. All three have flirted with big money jobs in the NFL lately, but only one thus far has succumbed to temptation; however, the other two are by no means losers. It is indeed a great day for the Irish, as the old Judy Garland song goes. (Who? Never mind.)

If you’re a regular reader of this blog, or if you happened on it because you’re a Penn State news junkie, you’re very familiar with the story of Bill O’Brien, Penn State’s head football coach. Your memory won’t need much refreshing, but I’ll touch on the salient facts before moving on to the other fellows. Some combination of O’Brien and his agent had conversations with the Philadelphia Eagles and the Cleveland Browns, and it is not beyond belief that they might have shopped him elsewhere more quietly. When the media caught wind of the coach’s roving eye and blasted it all over their front pages, O’Brien demurred, in the process denying rumors that he extorted a raise out of Penn State that would be covered by a donation from a wealthy booster.

Kelly #1 is Brian Kelly, head coach at Notre Dame. Last week, Kelly met with the Philadelphia Eagles to discuss the notion of his assuming the head coaching position there, which was vacated by the firing of Andy Reid. (The ever spinning NFL merry-go-round has dropped Reid off in Kansas City as head coach of the Chiefs, but I digress.) The Eagles were interested in Kelly, but Kelly turned them down, making the following statement:

“This week, I had an incredible opportunity to speak with one of the premier organizations in sports about becoming their head coach.

“Like every kid who has ever put on a pair of football cleats, I have had thoughts about being a part of the NFL. However, after much reflection and conversation with those closest to me, I have decided to remain at Notre Dame.

“This decision was motivated purely by my love for Notre Dame and the entire Fighting Irish community, the young men I have the great fortune to coach, and my desire to continue to build the best football program in the country.

“We still have a lot of work to do and my staff and I are excited about the challenges ahead.”

There is work to do and Kelly is up to the task — just so long as Notre Dame agrees to his negotiated contract extension and raise. Discussions are rumored to be in progress.

Kelly #2 is Chip Kelly, erstwhile coach of the Oregon Ducks. Like the other Irishmen, he interviewed with the Philadelphia Eagles. Unlike the other two, this Kelly became the Eagles’ new head coach. He initially passed on the Eagles, but as of Wednesday he changed his mind, claiming that the pending NCAA investigation of recruiting practices at Oregon had nothing at all to do with his decision. Eagles owner Jeff Lurie is making a bold move with Kelly, one that is destined to either make him look like a genius or a complete idiot. Presumably, he hired Kelly for his offensive innovations, most notably the “blur” offense. Will it or something similar work in the NFL, a league with lightning-quick defenders? Ask Steve Spurrier how well the Fun ‘n’ Gun did with the Redskins. But I digress.

So, what do you think? Looking at these three cynically, as is my wont, I see the first two sitting on top of their proverbial worlds with all the chips in front of them. Shopping themselves to the NFL was a successful bluff in both cases, assuming they both get the new deals they wanted. (Yeah, I know. O’Brien denied asking for a raise and said he knew nothing of a booster donation to partially fund his salary. But this turkey isn’t buying that angelic innocence routine). On the other hand (the third one, I guess), you have Chip Kelly who was sitting on a potential NCAA investigative powder keg at Oregon when his better sense told him to git while the gittin’s good.

This all leads me to continue to piss and moan about college football being a big business (duh!) and essentially an NFL farm system. That there is a continuum between big-time college football and the NFL is beyond doubt. However, the coaching merry-go-round in the NFL, driven by team owners desperately seeking offensive innovation and freshness, is now sucking in college coaches as never before. Meanwhile, successful college coaches can use their NFL offers for leverage. (Oy! The L-word!)

It’s going to be increasingly difficult to keep good coaches down on the farm, now that they’ve seen Paree!

Ducks Prevail, Bring Back Bowl Memories

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Watching the Oregon vs Oregon State game tonight flashed me back to the simpler days when bowl games were few, prestigious, and didn’t need the name of a company selling package delivery services, pizza, weed eaters, or car care to be viable. Oregon won, 37-33 in an exciting game replete with five lead changes.

The Oregon students were waving roses at the end, and that’s the way it used to be when teams knew which bowl they were playing for. The Pac-8 (which it was until upstarts Arizona and Arizona State joined) would send its champ to the Rose Bowl to meet the Big Ten Champ — more often than not, the winner of the Michigan vs Ohio State game. Roses were passed around at those pivotal late season games because if the respective teams took care of business, they were sure to get a bid for “the grandaddy of them all.”

Back then, the winner of the Big Eight would play in the Orange Bowl. The SEC winner would play in the Sugar Bowl. The (now defunct) Southwest Conference winner would play in the Cotton Bowl. Those teams knew where they were going and exactly what they were playing for.

Furthermore, we didn’t have to remember which corporate sponsor’s bowl it was played in which other corporate sponsor’s stadium. The Orange Bowl was played in the Orange Bowl. The Sugar Bowl was played in the Sugar Bowl. The Cotton Bowl was played in the Cotton Bowl and the Rose Bowl was played in the Rose Bowl. ???? ????? (The latter, fortunately for the sake of history, still is.)

Now, even the parades associated with the bowls have corporate sponsors. How exciting.

Hell, watching football on TV, it has come to having corporate sponsors for first downs. (“That first down was brought to you by Bush’s Beans…”) One of my compadres, Jackstand, speculated that soon we will have sponsors for the left hash mark on the 47 yard line. ???? ??? ????????

For the sake of pumping up even more TV revenue, we now have to endure a BCS selection show, which will air this coming Sunday night on ESPN. Used to be we didn’t need such an abomination. Everybody knew what they were playing for and where they were going. Selection has grown complicated. When the standard tie-ins and rationale fail to provide enough projected revenue, the rules are bent via complex provisions for who gets to pick what from which bunch of teams in what order. The BCS sucks. It amounts to a theatrical booking agency, which attempts to justify its choices and placements with contrived formulae. The elephant in the room is that nobody gives a damn about anything but the money.

By BCS rules, a particular conference cannot send more than two teams to BCS bowls. Ohio State is locked into the Rose Bowl. If Penn State is picked over Iowa for the either the Tostitos or FedEx bowl, a travesty will have been committed. Iowa beat Penn State. Iowa is ranked higher than Penn State. Penn State fans naturally want to see their team go to the best possible bowl. Of course, the administration wants the significantly higher payout of a BCS bowl. ????? ???? ???? It is, after all, all about the money, no matter what euphemisms we hang on it. If Penn State is picked because its fans “travel well” or whatever the hell code word we use for “spend lots of money”, it ain’t right. Iowa should be picked because of what they have accomplished on the field, not based on the size of their alumni fund.

But I digress. The BCS has that effect on me. I continue to be annoyed with the entire process and the thinly veiled pecuniary orientation of the whole damn thing. However, the Ducks are the men of the hour, and I need to give them their Rose Bowl sendoff.

Congratulations to the Oregon Ducks! The last time you guys went to the Rose Bowl, it was 15 years ago and your opponents were the Penn State Nittany Lions. Unfortunately, you faced one of the most prolific offenses in NCAA history and gave a credible effort that fell significantly short against the #2 team in the land. (Only because Nebraska beat Miami the night before, but I won’t get into that — much.) This Turkey enjoyed the privilege of attending that game. This time around, I’m thinking you quackers can win this thing. The tables are turned. The Buckeyes aren’t all that good this year, having lost to a pretty awful Purdue squad and to USC, who you Ducks decimated on Halloween. Party hearty in Pasadena and enjoy the experience — you’ve earned your roses, now go for it all. The Turkey’s Crystal Balls predict a big Rose Bowl win.