The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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Let ‘Er Rip, Joe (a plea from desperate fans)

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Dear Coach Paterno,

At the risk of touching a stubborn nerve and causing a total geriatric brain reception shutdown, we implore you to turn your starting quarterback loose against Michigan. In doing so you’ll surprise the hell out of your friend Lloyd Carr, and what could be better than a “gotcha” when he’s expecting the same old tired game plan that he’s seen during the past eight straight times he’s beaten you. Hell, think about it, Coach—this could be more fun than cracking a new bottle of Tennessee sour mash on a Sunday night!

Imagine the shocked look on Ol’ Lloyd’s face when on the first play from scrimmage Morelli wings one 50 yards to Deon Butler for a first down inside the Michigan 30. And on the very next play, Morelli hits Quarless in the middle of the field on a quick timing pattern while Shawn Crable whiffs on his attempted sack. The play goes for a quick score and Kelly hits the PAT. Carr will be shitting in his pants! Tears will be streaming down our faces! This is gonna be fun, Coach!

Morelli is a senior and if you don’t trust him now you never will. Remember the Kerry Collins days, when you finally let KC do his thing—how much fun was that? Wouldn’t it be great fun to see what happens on Saturday when you hand the ball to Morelli and say, “Let ‘er rip, son! We’ve locked Jay up for the day.”

Spread the field and go vertical on them. Look at what Oregon did. You’ve reviewed the tapes over and over. Oregon did not beat the Wolverines by pounding the ball up the gut. Woody and Bo are watching from above, and you’re going to teach them a thing or two about flexibility. Your old mentor, Rip, is up there watching, too. Three yards and a cloud of dust? That’s so…so…1965! This is the new millennium. Open it up, Coach! The most suspect element of the Michigan defense is the secondary. So, let’s tear it up!

We think that the element of surprise should be a major component of the game plan for Saturday, and that doesn’t mean the typical insertion of one slow developing trick play involving Derrick Williams that a quick defense will smoke out in milliseconds. It means implementing a revolutionary game plan that is completely out of character, taking chances early, and cashing in before Lloyd and the boys even know what the hell hit them. It’ll be a helluva lot better than would digging a hole for ourselves and not having enough time or the wherewithal to climb out of it in the second half.

You’ve seen it yourself. In the first three games, the running game could not get on track in the first half. Behind a feeble offensive line, the happy-footed Austin Scott couldn’t even run against FIU and Notre Dame. Against Buffalo, he fumbled twice, losing the ball both times. We cannot afford to experiment with an inept rushing offense in the Michigan game. If we screw up, we lose. Austin Scott can be blocking pass rushers while Morelli goes downtown.

So please, Coach Paterno, do it our way this time and surprise us all. You might even want to give your friend Joe Tiller a call to find out how to grease up a quarterback’s elbow so he can throw 60 times a game. You’ve got four or five great receivers who have been begging for the ball. Morelli can get it to them. You just have to say the word.

We love ya, Joe, you old fart. Now, please do this our way. Just give us two seconds of your time! Please do not put Morelli in a straitjacket. Let him fly freeeee as a bird. Your fans in the nut house want you to win in the Big House. And we’re behind you all the way! (Watch the hell out!)

You da man!

Your Concerned Fans
c/o Florida State Institution for the Criminally Insane
Cuckooview Acres
3311 Baker Act Boulevard, Suite 2000
P.O. Box 2005-2725
Chattahoochee, Florida 31710-2724

P.S.

We’ll let you go back to doing it your way for the Temple game.

Maize (What YOU Call Corn)

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UMSaturday’s game will be the 13th meeting between Penn State and Michigan’s football teams; Michigan owns the series, with a 9-3 record. The visiting #10 Nittany Lions (3-0, 0-0 Big Ten) are presently 3-point favorites over the unranked Wolverines (1-2, 0-0 Big Ten) on their home turf. The o/u is 48.5. This Turkey thinks that the bookies have missed the boat on this one.

Before we get to the prediction, let’s look at where we are and where they are. The Nittany Lions are essentially untested, though they gave us some clues last weekend. While there has been progress in some areas, Austin Scott’s two lost fumbles were a significant step backward, as was the vaunted defense giving up 24 points.

Meanwhile, Michigan exorcised their early season demons with a cathartic, 38-0 victory over inconsequential Notre Dame. While anyone at all could beat Notre Dame this year, the game gave us a glimpse of what Penn State will have to deal with: 1) Mike Hart, 2) a depleted, but still serviceable defense, and 3) Michigan homeboy officials.

The main danger for the Nittany Lions is shooting themselves in the foot. However, there is no reason to think that the game plan will not be conducive to a foot shooting. Paterno has always played it conservatively on the road, both offensively and defensively. We can look forward to a slow, methodical offensive start and if we should happen to get a lead at some point, a “play not to lose” mentality. This is a foot shot, as far as this Turkey is concerned.

Why? Appalachian State and Oregon came out shooting and exposed Michigan’s Achilles heel. Penn State predictably will come out with runs up the gut, which the Wolverine defense will be well equipped to handle. This strategy wasn’t successful against the first three opponents early in the game, so why would it work against our first legitimate opponent? Far be it from Joe to take a chance early in a game. As a result, Michigan will jump out to an early lead. Then, playing catch-up, Joe will open things up. Playing under the gun, the opportunity for screw-ups is greater, and the play becomes more predictable. Yet, we see this pattern year in and year out, ad nauseam.

Our inept offensive line will put its weaknesses on full display before the 108,000 fans in the Big House. Expect to see UM linebacker Shawn Crable playing in the Lions’ backfield. Michigan will want to deny Morelli the deep opportunities provided by his talented receivers, and the best way to handle the immobile Morelli is to put pressure on him. Five sacks might sound like a lot, but I believe they’ll happen.

Meanwhile, our defensive plan is predictable: try to shut down Mike Hart, daring freshman QB Ryan Mallett to throw. It won’t work. They might shut down Mike Hart in the first half, at the expense of a fatigued defense in the second half. After all, we’re sporting the #1 defense against the run, with an average of 17.67 yards per game—against three of the worst rushing offenses in the Division Formerly Known as I-A. (Buffalo actually ranks #88, as opposed to #1o5 and #119 for FIU and Notre Dame, respectively.) Meanwhile, loading up eight in the box to stop Hart will open up opportunities for talented receivers Adrian Arrington and Mario Manningham—no matter whether they are being thrown to by Mallett or Henne. Make no mistake: Mike Hart will soften any defense he runs against.

Our pass defense troubles me. It is ranked #47 against our first three opponents. Buffalo was able to move the ball down the field pretty easily with the pass. They wound up with nearly 400 yards. Buffalo. We keep playing that Jerry Sandusky soft zone, BBDB, prevent crap. Our corners play well off receivers. While the freshman Michigan quarterback might soften the impact of our suspect pass defense, I’m still worried.

In order to even keep this game close, the Nittany Lions need to take care of the ball. Goes without saying, I suppose, but I said it anyway. Furthermore, our defense needs to force some turnovers themselves. I’m sick and tired of counting on the defense to win games for us because our marginal offense can’t put enough points on the board itself, but it’s a fact of life for the new millennium Nittany Lions.

In order to win this game, the offense needs to be flawless and, furthermore, it needs to take some risks. Playing from a hole will be disastrous. The desperate times calls for desperate measures style of offense will fail against quality opposition. So, taking the lead early is essential.

Unfortunately, Paterno is pretty stubborn. I’ll challenge Joe to surprise my ass and prove me wrong. I just see the same old conservative game plan and our inept offensive line losing this game for us.

And so, we come to the Official Turkey Poop Prediction for this week. Remember, I challenged Paterno to prove me wrong. If he does rise to the challenge, I deserve to go down in flames for doubting him. If he sticks with the conservative game plan I expect, you’re looking at Michigan 27, Penn State 16.

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