The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

Search This Site

Enter keyword(s) below to search for relevant articles.

Home Archives for TV

Don’t Read This, Redhead — Spoilers Below

Posted on Written by

Private note to The Redhead: Read the comments to the next post first. Then you can come back here for more.

THAT SAID (lqtm), tonight determined the composition of the American Idol final next week. We’ll offer some stupid justifications for what we think SHOULD be the final matchup. Who the hell knows who will be the final two, given what else has happened this season.

Well, according to Sir Wannabe (Simon Cowell, that is), David Cook won the evening’s competition, with which I agree. I also agreed with Paula Abdul when she said that Syesha’s performance was not good enough to get her through to the final. But she sure as hell looks good! (Syesha, not Paula, although the latter ain’t bad for her age.) Archuleta, of course, got the unanimous endorsement of all three judges. God forbid they should ever speak blasphemies against the baby-faced presumptive American Idol. (I thought Abraham put an end to that idol worshiping crap a few thousand years ago.)

Parts of I-95 are melting in intense brush fires near Cocoa, but Syesha was hotter. Her breathtakingly steamy outfits won’t be enough to save her fine, cafe-au-lait ass. She’s been hanging by a thread for the past few weeks, but Simon was absolutely correct that she peaked last week with the Sam Cooke number. Furthermore, in a rare moment of lucidity, Paula told Syesha that her work tonight wasn’t good enough to get her into the final. So, one has to believe that she’s gone.

REDHEAD BAIT ALERT!

Sadly, Archuleta will breeze through to the next round like a prune through a blue tick coon hound, but fortunately, Cook will offer some serious competition. I demand that Cook shows up for this competition! If he mails it in, he’ll lose. I’m not prepared to accept the premature coronation of David Archuleta any more than I’m prepared to accept the premature coronation of Barack Obama, whose campaign pretty much resembles Archuleta’s (young, naive, and not ready for prime time).

On Wednesday’s results show, Fantasia will perform. I never liked her all that much. I liked runner-up Diana DeGarmo better. (She’s doing Broadway musicals now, just in case you wanted to know.)

Justice is Served

Posted on Written by

This Turkey can watch American Idol sober next week! America voted and this time America agreed with the Foul Fowl. Jason Castro, whose act had deteriorated to badder than bad over the past four or five weeks, was mercifully eliminated from the competition, leaving just three good players and two good weeks of spirited, singing ass off performances.

Jason deserved to go, but the path forward now will be less clear. According to Ryan Seacrest, less than one million of 50 million total votes separated the top three vote getters. That portends well for some real competition. That is great!

As long as the little weenie David Archuleta is surprisingly eliminated next week because his pre-teen fan club finally succumbs to carpal tunnel syndrome after spam-voting him to the top for so many weeks, I’ll be happy. I cannot tell you enough how boring I find the kid. Don’t get me wrong: he has a great voice and excellent control of it. What he doesn’t offer is variety and maturity. Maybe in a couple of years when he starts shaving and singing with his eyes open, he’ll be more entertaining.

I don’t know how Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell can go home and live with themselves week after week after lionizing this 17 year-old boy wonder (who looks 13). Clearly, they have an agenda, which they have unswervingly demonstrated from the auditions right on through the competition. Paula Abdul is irrelevant, so her fawning is expected. She’s in her own world, anyway. (What the hell was that black and white dress she was wearing Wednesday night?)

Aw, what the hell. The “judges” are all irrelevant. They have no power over the contestants at this stage, other than jawboning the American voters, who probably aren’t paying much attention. These are people who boo if the “judges” are brutally honest about their heroes. That’s a product of our sanitized society more than anything else, where children are brought up in forced competition- and criticism-free environments, thereby rendering them incapable of accepting even the most constructive criticism when they ultimately receive it. (Yes, we’re fucking up whole generations with this “outcome based” crap or whatever they’re calling it these days, folks!)

Two weeks hence, I’d love to see a final between Syesha Mercado, who has been coming on strong singing her lovely ass off for the past few weeks, and David Cook, who has been consistently good through it all. Alas, that dream final will probably not come to pass. I will wake from my pipe dream, having to reconcile with the reality that the babyfaced kid is in the final, as I always knew in my heart of hearts he would be. If that is to be the case, I have two words for the survivor between Syesha and David Cook: KICK ASS!

Correction: JaSoN is GoNe!!

Posted on Written by

After watching tonight’s Idol, I have to revise my prediction. If Jason stays around past tomorrow night, I won’t be able to watch this shit sober anymore!

This clown put on such an amateurish act that he stunk up the place—twice! His first number, “I Shot the Sheriff,” was a tribute to his all-time hero, Bob Marley. If that song sucked, Castro’s second song, “Mr. Tambourine Man,” was even worse. He couldn’t even remember the words, humming where “jingle-jangle morning” was supposed to be.

Now, I must characterize his act as WORSE than a college dorm sing-along for losers who can’t get laid on a Friday night. It’s becoming like a college dorm sing-along for losers who can’t get laid on a Friday night so they get shitfaced drunk first and then try to sing.

Given that Jason’s ass has been carried for the past few weeks by the sub-teens who approach this like a middle school popularity contest, I cannot predict his demise with great conviction. However, if he doesn’t go, it will be a travesty beyond proportion—one that will surely rival Taylor Hicks becoming the American Idol a couple of years ago.

I don’t know what Archuleta is doing for the judges under their table, but whatever the hell it is, they can kiss my ass. He’s not that great. I couldn’t even listen to his rendition of “Love Me Tender.” He sang it with the same damn voice he sings everything else and added non-Elvisesque bombast, which would have led me to compare him to Whitney Houston if he was a broad. However, he’s a little kid, and his voting public is composed of little kids who never heard Elvis’ version of the song and don’t know how badly Archuleta destroyed it. It wouldn’t matter if they did. they’ll vote for him blindly in any case. What remains a mystery to me is why the judges are so taken with this little schmuck. He bores my ass.

Syesha was good. I thought she was a bit shrieky in her first number, “Proud Mary,” in which she used the Tina Turner arrangement and accordingly, evoked comparisons with Tina. However, her highly emotional Sam Cooke finale was heartfelt and well done. Unfortunately for Syesha, I’m from Sam Cooke’s era, so remembering how it sounded when Sam did it—it was released right after he died—caused me to feel that Syesha fell a bit short. Randy Jackson agreed with me, but Paula (of course) and Simon felt that she did exceptionally well. Well enough to save her ass this week? We’ll see.

I continue to like David Cook who had the potential benefit of being able to choose two rock songs this week. Alas, he squandered his first choice on Duran Duran. The second, a Who song, was more like it for Cook. If he had indeed picked two appropriate songs, he would have had the best night of all of them. However, I reluctantly have to rank him tied for second tonight.

Here’s how I see it:

1. David Archuleta (two solid numbers, but sung with his usual voice)

2. David Cook and Syesha Mercado (I believe they both did one song well and the other one acceptably)

7. Jason Castro (he gets a big IT SUCKS (IS) rating for screwing up two whole songs tonight!)

Seventh in a field of four? Yeah, it was that bad. Will justice prevail or will the junior high voters play their trump card? I can feel those tiny fingers texting “VOTE” right now. Syesha must stay; Jason must go—THIS WEEK!!!