The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

Search This Site

Enter keyword(s) below to search for relevant articles.

Home Archives for Sports Penn State Football

Let ‘Er Rip, Joe (a plea from desperate fans)

Posted on Written by

Dear Coach Paterno,

At the risk of touching a stubborn nerve and causing a total geriatric brain reception shutdown, we implore you to turn your starting quarterback loose against Michigan. In doing so you’ll surprise the hell out of your friend Lloyd Carr, and what could be better than a “gotcha” when he’s expecting the same old tired game plan that he’s seen during the past eight straight times he’s beaten you. Hell, think about it, Coach—this could be more fun than cracking a new bottle of Tennessee sour mash on a Sunday night!

Imagine the shocked look on Ol’ Lloyd’s face when on the first play from scrimmage Morelli wings one 50 yards to Deon Butler for a first down inside the Michigan 30. And on the very next play, Morelli hits Quarless in the middle of the field on a quick timing pattern while Shawn Crable whiffs on his attempted sack. The play goes for a quick score and Kelly hits the PAT. Carr will be shitting in his pants! Tears will be streaming down our faces! This is gonna be fun, Coach!

Morelli is a senior and if you don’t trust him now you never will. Remember the Kerry Collins days, when you finally let KC do his thing—how much fun was that? Wouldn’t it be great fun to see what happens on Saturday when you hand the ball to Morelli and say, “Let ‘er rip, son! We’ve locked Jay up for the day.”

Spread the field and go vertical on them. Look at what Oregon did. You’ve reviewed the tapes over and over. Oregon did not beat the Wolverines by pounding the ball up the gut. Woody and Bo are watching from above, and you’re going to teach them a thing or two about flexibility. Your old mentor, Rip, is up there watching, too. Three yards and a cloud of dust? That’s so…so…1965! This is the new millennium. Open it up, Coach! The most suspect element of the Michigan defense is the secondary. So, let’s tear it up!

We think that the element of surprise should be a major component of the game plan for Saturday, and that doesn’t mean the typical insertion of one slow developing trick play involving Derrick Williams that a quick defense will smoke out in milliseconds. It means implementing a revolutionary game plan that is completely out of character, taking chances early, and cashing in before Lloyd and the boys even know what the hell hit them. It’ll be a helluva lot better than would digging a hole for ourselves and not having enough time or the wherewithal to climb out of it in the second half.

You’ve seen it yourself. In the first three games, the running game could not get on track in the first half. Behind a feeble offensive line, the happy-footed Austin Scott couldn’t even run against FIU and Notre Dame. Against Buffalo, he fumbled twice, losing the ball both times. We cannot afford to experiment with an inept rushing offense in the Michigan game. If we screw up, we lose. Austin Scott can be blocking pass rushers while Morelli goes downtown.

So please, Coach Paterno, do it our way this time and surprise us all. You might even want to give your friend Joe Tiller a call to find out how to grease up a quarterback’s elbow so he can throw 60 times a game. You’ve got four or five great receivers who have been begging for the ball. Morelli can get it to them. You just have to say the word.

We love ya, Joe, you old fart. Now, please do this our way. Just give us two seconds of your time! Please do not put Morelli in a straitjacket. Let him fly freeeee as a bird. Your fans in the nut house want you to win in the Big House. And we’re behind you all the way! (Watch the hell out!)

You da man!

Your Concerned Fans
c/o Florida State Institution for the Criminally Insane
Cuckooview Acres
3311 Baker Act Boulevard, Suite 2000
P.O. Box 2005-2725
Chattahoochee, Florida 31710-2724

P.S.

We’ll let you go back to doing it your way for the Temple game.

Maize (What YOU Call Corn)

Posted on Written by

UMSaturday’s game will be the 13th meeting between Penn State and Michigan’s football teams; Michigan owns the series, with a 9-3 record. The visiting #10 Nittany Lions (3-0, 0-0 Big Ten) are presently 3-point favorites over the unranked Wolverines (1-2, 0-0 Big Ten) on their home turf. The o/u is 48.5. This Turkey thinks that the bookies have missed the boat on this one.

Before we get to the prediction, let’s look at where we are and where they are. The Nittany Lions are essentially untested, though they gave us some clues last weekend. While there has been progress in some areas, Austin Scott’s two lost fumbles were a significant step backward, as was the vaunted defense giving up 24 points.

Meanwhile, Michigan exorcised their early season demons with a cathartic, 38-0 victory over inconsequential Notre Dame. While anyone at all could beat Notre Dame this year, the game gave us a glimpse of what Penn State will have to deal with: 1) Mike Hart, 2) a depleted, but still serviceable defense, and 3) Michigan homeboy officials.

The main danger for the Nittany Lions is shooting themselves in the foot. However, there is no reason to think that the game plan will not be conducive to a foot shooting. Paterno has always played it conservatively on the road, both offensively and defensively. We can look forward to a slow, methodical offensive start and if we should happen to get a lead at some point, a “play not to lose” mentality. This is a foot shot, as far as this Turkey is concerned.

Why? Appalachian State and Oregon came out shooting and exposed Michigan’s Achilles heel. Penn State predictably will come out with runs up the gut, which the Wolverine defense will be well equipped to handle. This strategy wasn’t successful against the first three opponents early in the game, so why would it work against our first legitimate opponent? Far be it from Joe to take a chance early in a game. As a result, Michigan will jump out to an early lead. Then, playing catch-up, Joe will open things up. Playing under the gun, the opportunity for screw-ups is greater, and the play becomes more predictable. Yet, we see this pattern year in and year out, ad nauseam.

Our inept offensive line will put its weaknesses on full display before the 108,000 fans in the Big House. Expect to see UM linebacker Shawn Crable playing in the Lions’ backfield. Michigan will want to deny Morelli the deep opportunities provided by his talented receivers, and the best way to handle the immobile Morelli is to put pressure on him. Five sacks might sound like a lot, but I believe they’ll happen.

Meanwhile, our defensive plan is predictable: try to shut down Mike Hart, daring freshman QB Ryan Mallett to throw. It won’t work. They might shut down Mike Hart in the first half, at the expense of a fatigued defense in the second half. After all, we’re sporting the #1 defense against the run, with an average of 17.67 yards per game—against three of the worst rushing offenses in the Division Formerly Known as I-A. (Buffalo actually ranks #88, as opposed to #1o5 and #119 for FIU and Notre Dame, respectively.) Meanwhile, loading up eight in the box to stop Hart will open up opportunities for talented receivers Adrian Arrington and Mario Manningham—no matter whether they are being thrown to by Mallett or Henne. Make no mistake: Mike Hart will soften any defense he runs against.

Our pass defense troubles me. It is ranked #47 against our first three opponents. Buffalo was able to move the ball down the field pretty easily with the pass. They wound up with nearly 400 yards. Buffalo. We keep playing that Jerry Sandusky soft zone, BBDB, prevent crap. Our corners play well off receivers. While the freshman Michigan quarterback might soften the impact of our suspect pass defense, I’m still worried.

In order to even keep this game close, the Nittany Lions need to take care of the ball. Goes without saying, I suppose, but I said it anyway. Furthermore, our defense needs to force some turnovers themselves. I’m sick and tired of counting on the defense to win games for us because our marginal offense can’t put enough points on the board itself, but it’s a fact of life for the new millennium Nittany Lions.

In order to win this game, the offense needs to be flawless and, furthermore, it needs to take some risks. Playing from a hole will be disastrous. The desperate times calls for desperate measures style of offense will fail against quality opposition. So, taking the lead early is essential.

Unfortunately, Paterno is pretty stubborn. I’ll challenge Joe to surprise my ass and prove me wrong. I just see the same old conservative game plan and our inept offensive line losing this game for us.

And so, we come to the Official Turkey Poop Prediction for this week. Remember, I challenged Paterno to prove me wrong. If he does rise to the challenge, I deserve to go down in flames for doubting him. If he sticks with the conservative game plan I expect, you’re looking at Michigan 27, Penn State 16.

Pain in the Neck Redux

Posted on Written by

This Turkey wishes to share his turkey neck with his vast legion of readers. A diagnosis of severe spinal cord compression at C3-4 led to a bout with the neurosurgeon’s knife—Jonathan Livingston Greenberg vs. the Abominable Turkey. As you know, I survived (I think). In spite of a three-level cervical spine fusion, which took place on July 10, the Turkey has continued to gobble gaseously. If you want to know the solutions to what causes neck and back pain from Dr. Juris Shibayama, they can click here! The neck brace has no doubt impeded oxygenation of his brain, which has led to some overly euphoric predictions, such as a 10-2 Penn State football season, as well as some paranoid ramblings of conspiratorial complicity by Al Qaeda in the Dominoes/Oreo partnership.

Neck X-RayWhat you are seeing here is an x-ray of the aforementioned turkey neck taken this evening, straight from the digital darkroom. Click on it for a larger view.

The five-hour operation involved removing three degenerated discs and degenerated ligaments, adding bone grafts to maintain the column height, and stabilizing the cervical spine. The incision is on the front of the Turkey’s neck, toward the left side. To access the discs, a retractor was used to move aside the larynx and the trachea aside.

Note the prominent hardware. The whole affair is held together by titanium girders secured by four golden screws. (And a golden screwdriver with a diamond encrusted handle issued forth from the heavens and descended upon him, slowly unscrewing the fastener, finally getting it all the way out…and his ass fell off.) This thing is located right behind the larynx, creating like a total lump in the Turkey’s throat.

So, was that an overshare? TMI?

Frequently Asked Questions

  1. Does the metal stuff set off airport metal detectors?
  2. Through the throat?
  3. Were you in an accident?
  4. Did they give you good drugs?
  5. How long til you can take off that neck brace? Oy, it must be so hot in that thing in da summer, already!
  6. What did the doctor say?
  7. Were the nurses hot?
  8. Dude, how could you do this right at the start of football season?
  9. Bone grafts? Which bone did they come from?
  10. (Questions 10., 11., 12., and 13. all involve sex and will be censored due to the family oriented nature of this column.)

Frequently Delivered Wise-Ass Retorts

  1. Does the metal stuff set off airport metal detectors? I already have a hip replacement that’s got a lot more metal so this one is moot. I wind up being hand searched each time through. Besides, this device is non-ferrous titanium (which is sort of redundant). It was funny—when I got the total hip replacement six years ago, my mother asked if I could be struck by lightning. She thought having all that metal in me would attract lightning. I, on the other hand, was trying to figure out how to magnetize the thing to attract bra fasteners.
  2. Through the throat? Only Linda Lovelace and I know for sure. Yes, that’s the way this surgery is done. Through the damn throat.
  3. Were you in an accident? No, it was a fight. You should see the other guy.
  4. Did they give you good drugs? Well, the fentanyl didn’t do a damn thing for pre-surgery sedation, even though they gave me 2.5 times the standard dosage. So, instead of fentanyl for post-op pain control, I got a patient-administered morphine pump. Anytime the hospital got on my nerves, I hit that damn button, giving me a good, warm feeling.
  5. How long til you can take off that neck brace? Until the other guy’s private investigator stops following me around. See, I’m suing his ass. I have no idea what the hell I’m talking about. The neck brace has been on for 10 weeks. It’s part of me now. Why would I ever want to take it off?
  6. What did the doctor say? With reference to my degenerated discs, he said, “I just called to tell you what a degenerate you are…” He’s a comedian on the side. Meanwhile, the neurosurgeon says little or nothing. Aside from the M.D. degree, he’s also got a J.D., so he plays his cards close to the vest, lest he say anything I can hold him to in a court of law.
  7. Were the nurses hot? This is Orlando Regional Medical Center you’re talking about here. Draw your own conclusions. Heat, I suppose, is a relative term. The ones who catheterized me had cold hands.
  8. Dude, how could you do this right at the start of football season? It was a calculated ploy to rationalize the purchase of my 50″ 1080p plasma HDTV. After all, I can’t travel to games for a while and I deserve some comfort, so I took pity on my poor ass, using the neck as an excuse. Now, I can watch O.J. being arrested over, and over, and over…
  9. Bone grafts? Which bone did they come from? The bone grafts essentially take the place of the removed discs. While sometimes the grafts come from a patient’s own hip bones, in this case they came from the bone bank. Thus, I have bone material from folks who have gone to the great beyond (they wash it first), and I thank them sincerely for their contribution.
  10. Well, the neck brace makes that a bit of a contortional challenge, but we improvise, we adapt, we overcome.
  11. You better ask her about that one. That’s what she said.
  12. Oh, yes yes yes!!! Oh, God, yes! Uh huh.
  13. Blue pills.

But seriously, though, the Turkey is hoping for a favorable determination regarding the need for continued use of the neck brace sometime in the next week or so. In spite of what I facetiously stated above, I genuinely look forward to the time when I can shed my omnipresent plastic and foam rubber companion. It’s hot, it’s bulky, and it sucks. It limits my driving to very short, necessary trips during light traffic periods.

In the meanwhile, I’m speed-walking between 3.25 and 4.7 miles per day on a concrete path around my community. When I finally dump the brace, I intend to celebrate with a 10 or 12 mile hike in one of my favorite natural areas here in Central Florida, as I much prefer bushwhacking to walking in circles. I seriously miss that aspect of my life.

Now, back to the business of beating Michigan. I’ve got Joe Paterno on the other line, on hold…