Rahne Flies Coop

So, all those who bitch about Ricky Rahne’s dumbed-down, derivative Moorhead offense need bitch no more. Ricky done flown da coop!

Speculation abounds on who will be selected by James Franklin as Rahne’s successor. We don’t even know who will run the offense at the Cotton Bowl at this point.

Black Shoes Diaries posted an article that said absolutely nothing, but it was couched as the opinion of its author, Chris Lucia. Nevertheless, since I know even less than Lucia, I’ll won’t make grandiose statements about what the team needs on offense. I’ll just ask: Who is your leading candidate for OC?

Bowl Bullshit

So, we got the Cotton Bowl and PSU homies are pissed off that we didn’t get the Rose Bowl. Hey, Wisconsin deserved it and PSU didn’t. (By what arrogant and impertinent measure did PSU stake its claim on Pasadena turf, anyway? Certainly not on that ridiculous, season-ending putridity against the lowly Scarlet Knights of PJHS.) Furthermore, from a subjective point of view, why would the “Graddaddy of Them All” want a team that consistently shows up for only half a game?

Even the Cotton Bowl is probably more visibility than the Nits deserve this year. Nevertheless, for some of us, the matchup seems even more unsettling than the lesser venue.

A Group of Five playoff wannabe will always want to be appeased, and the Cotton Bowl is now the designated spot for the proud pretender. This year, AAC winner Memphis (12-1) is it. The at-large berth went to Penn State (10-2), who are favored by a touchdown.

But Can Memphis Win?

The thing is, the Tigers might be tigers. (How many sports teams choose this ferocious, striped, 500-lb feline as their mascot? I’m thinking it must be the most overloaded icon in sports. But I digress.) Memphis has everything to gain, while the Nittany Lions will likely enter the game with their usual dullard looks for the noon kickoff. What are they playing for?

Memphis will be coached by interim head coach Ryan Silverfield, since former head coach Mike Norvell was hired away by Florida State. Of his ascension, Silverfield stated, ” The players will understand it’s just another day with a new face up there that’s talking to them, a new face that’s calling the plays.”

Make a Statement?

In this situation, the players know the importance of “making a statement.” (LOL) The coach’s motivational significance is somewhat secondary. They’ll be awed playing in Jerry’s House, a huge upgrade from their home venue, which is where the Liberty Bowl has been played for about 100 years and holds 60,000. AT&T Stadium (Jerry’s Joint) is one of the most expensive and elaborate sports venues in the world, costing $1.15 billion to build and holding 105,000 slobbering Cowboys fans.

Whether PSU stacks up well against Memphis will be the subject of my pre-bowl post, so I ain’t sayin’ here. At the moment, I’m more interested on your thoughts regarding the matchup and any sour grapes you have for me to chew on.

Depending on how sore my ass is, I might not get the pre-bowl post up before Christmas, so I want to wish all six of my readers the very best of the holiday season — Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and to those who celebrate Kwanzaa, Habari Gani.

Penn State 27, Piscataway Junior High 6

One team had only their pride to play for; the other thought they could mail it in. And so, it went as I had expected: slow, sloppy, and less than entertaining, with the ultimate outcome never in doubt. Journey Brown managed to score three touchdowns to beat the invading Scarlet Knights, but the Nittany Lions, who were soundly stat-slapped, fell way short of covering a 40-point spread.

If Mike McQueary bet on this game, I hope he took the points. If he was on Penn State, it would have taken more than a misguided “explosive” pass play in garbage time to pull it out.

What the hell is it with this “explosive” bullshit? From time to time, some asshole will come up with a vogue word in the wonderful world of sports jargon, and all the trite-ass vocalizers feel obliged to glom onto it. James Franklin is a frequent offender. After the game, he commented, “We weren’t as explosive as we needed to be and probably gave up too many explosive plays.” Translation: “We slept through the first half, our offense sucked big time, and our defense failed to show up until sometime in the third quarter.”

Was the offensive line bad, or what?

For a while, I thought the Nittany Lions would implode rather than explode. It was embarrassing, sitting there with extended family in Chicago, with everyone expecting an explosive rout but getting a limp dick performance.

Yeah, yeah, I know. Sean Clifford wasn’t in there and Justin Shorter entered the ridiculous transfer portal. But WTF? It was Senior Day. A win is a win, but don’t embarrass my explosive ass, ok?

Bowl Lunacy

Now, let’s talk about the frigging Rose Bowl. So Wisconsin beat Minnesota. Now all the explosive pundits and the Sanguinarians are expecting a Rose Bowl bid for the Staties. Let me tell you something. After playing a junior high team the way they did, and given the way their performances been trending, a bowl game against the likes of Oregon isn’t something I’m anxious to watch. The speculation is premature, anyway, until we see whether Wisconsin can beat tOSU, who ain’t invincible. Stranger things have happened.

So, I dunno. After watching tOSU kick the crap out of Michigan, our game was a letdown. By the second half, everybody had left the living room to eat pizza, leaving me alone there feeling obligated to watch my team to the bitter end.

It will be interesting to see how the CFP yoyos rank the survivors of the weekend. LSU and Clemson “made a statement” (another stupid sports cliche), as did tOSU. Georgia took care of business. Alabama lost to Auburn, as happens pretty frequently, spoiling their chances while Nick Saban whined. Utah will probably be percussively sublimated to #5. The next five don’t matter, but I would expect Oklahoma, Baylor, Wisconsin, Florida, and Penn State, and Alabama to be in the mix. Let me make a statement: Maybe PSU deserves to drop from #10 after today’s half-assed effort and to make room for Alabama, who would beat the Lions to a pulp if they met.

So, what did you think of Penn State’s final game of the season?

I’ll be back when our bowl opponent is known, unless there is something explosive to bitch about.

Rutgers (2-9, 0-8) vs. Penn State (9-2, 6-2)

As I sit here in Chicago with my butt frozen to the chair, hoping to thaw in time for Thanksgiving dinner, I am impelled to write something about the forthcoming pseudo-rivalry pseudo-game, in which ESPN’s Matchup Predictor gives Rutgers a 0.6% chance of winning. That’s as lopsided as I’ve ever seen that meaningless graph!

Does it matter whether Sean Clifford plays? No.

Does it matter whether the weather is fair or foul? No.

Does it matter whether Penn State plays a sloppy game? No.

That’s the point. If the brains of the team are on this same wavelength, they’ll probably put out a half-assed effort against the dregs of the Big Ten, who I have dubbed the Scarlet Knights of Piscataway Junior High. As a bone-us, they play at Asia Carrera Memorial Stadium, and as I’ve mentioned before, Scarlet Knights is a play on words referring to nearby Trenton’s famous red light district. Yeah, I made that all up. Just killing time here.

Clearly, I have nothing to say, so I’ll cut to the chase. Oops, forgot the weather! Can’t forget the weather in late November! Hell, I almost blew it!

Da Wedda

Doesn’t matter.

Da Bottom Line

This will be the final Official Turkey Poop Prediction of the regular season. (Otherwise, I’ll be looking forward to pulling a Texas A&M vs. PSU Outback Bowl prediction out of my ass). Current line is PSU – 40 with an o/u of 50. Is that weird or what? That works out to PSU 45, Rutgers 5.

So, here’s what I think. Take the points! How often can you get 40 points? It’s Senior Day, so Franklin will no doubt empty the bench for this one and give everybody a chance to play before the expected crowd of 15,000 at Beaver Stadium (which will be announced as 97,543). There will probably be a few good fights as weary PJH players express their frustration. It’s liable to be one of the most forgettable games of your viewing career. Penn State 38, Rutgers 10.

I might be back after the game with a recap, for what it’s worth. Depends on whether my butt stays frozen to the chair. Happy Thanksgiving All!