It’s that time of year, folks. The bowl season is upon us. Or we’re upon the bowl season.
This year there are thirty-five damn bowl games, ranging from the absurdity of the Gildan New Mexico Bowl “featuring” 6-6 Washington State against 7-6 Colorado State to the vaunted final Still Somewhat Mythical National Championship (SSMNC) game (officially yclept the Vizio BCS National Championship, if that matters) where king of the hill Florida State (13-0) faces off with plucky Auburn (12-1).
Today, in order of level of interest, we have four bowl games. The only game that might get some of my attention is the Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl, pitting #20 Fresno State (11-1) against #25 Kiffenless but Reddful USC (9-4). The rest are gahhhhbage.
Take the Gildan New Mexico Bowl for example. What is Gildan? They’re the outfit that makes a helluva lot of the t-shirts that wind up being printed with stuff by the many t-shirt suppliers around the world. The t-shirts I bought for my team at the Greater Orlando Heart Walk (free plug for next year — you’re welcome, AHA) were originally manufactured by Gildan — in Haiti. So, they’re humanitarians, employing Haitian earthquake victims at $0.11 per hour so they can feed their babies. What about the game, you ask? Hell, the Gildan story is more interesting. Who cares about the game, which will boost the economy of Albuquerque by about $10,000.
The Famous Idaho Potato Bowl in Boise is only of interest because of the blue field. Everybody watches this one for at least five minutes just to gawk at the blue damn field. No one cares about Buffalo (8-4) and San Diego State (7-5). Many Ore-Idas will be sold here.
Then, there’s the R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl featuring hometown favorite Tulane (7-5) and the Coonasses from the Bayou, the Ragin’ Cajuns of Louisiana Lafayette (8-4), mildly interesting just because Tulane has been a perennial loser and whoda ever thunk they’d be in a bowl. Certainly there will be some raucous regional secular rooting for these two teams from Louisiana, and the partying will be superb. Going to a bowl in Nawlins is a great prize, but alas, these guys didn’t have to travel far to get there. Funny that R+L Carriers should be their sponsor. Their motto is “We ship anything, anywhere, anytime.”
Back to Fresno State vs. USC, I’m thinking that the raisin growing Bulldogs have the juice to handle the non-latex, Kiffenless and Sarkisianless, yet Reddful Trojans (who are infamous for having some “Juice” of their own, presently serving time in Lovelock Correctional Center elsewhere in Nevada). How the mighty have fallen, indeed. But what is this Royal Purple crap, you ask. Well, they make lubricants. No, not for Trojans. For cars, boats, motorcycles, squeaky doors, and industry. Synthetic oil. It’s “the performance oil that outperforms®”. Oy, vey. Perhaps, just perhaps, the kind warden at Lovelock will allow O.J. to see his old alma mater in action on the rec room TV.
So get your fill of this stuff today, folks, because the next game isn’t until Monday. They’re banking on no one working that day, because why else other than boredom would one want to watch Ohio (7-5) lose to mighty ECSU (9-3) at the Beef O’Brady’s St. Petersburg Bowl? And for those of you wondering when the NFL will start their Saturday schedule just so you don’t have to be completely bored with these meaningless and contrived rivalries, that won’t happen until the playoffs this year.