The Nittany Turkey

The American Idol public has voted and…

Michael Johns is out.

There’s always a shocker at this stage of the competition. Michael was this year’s version. A solid singer with no glaring flaws or distracting tattoos, Johns just gets up there and sings with passion and style. He’s got a good voice. He’s good looking. His rendition of “Dream On” was adequate, in this writer’s opinion. So why is he gone?

…of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: “It might have been!”

Thank you, John Greenleaf Whittier.

Wait, that doesn’t rhyme unless you pronounce pen like peen and been like bean; or pen like pin and been like bin; or pen like pen and been like Ben. Hey, that’s my name! There are lots of possibilities. Some of us pronounce pen like pin and been like bean. Some of us pronounce pen like pin and been like Ben. Some of us pronounce pen like pen and been like bin. What is poetry, anyway? Haiku doesn’t rhyme. What the hell. Know what I’m sayin’. Sheeeiiiitttt! (That’s Ebonic for “Oh, darn!”)

Michael Johns gone
No stopping Mexican kid
Kristy Lee must stay.

I didn’t expect Johns to be in the final two, but in my thinking he was at least good enough for the final four, which I believe should have been David Archuleta, David Cook, and Carly Smithson, in addition to Johns.

However, who am I to make such a prediction when the American public votes the way they do? It is not up to me to set the standards. Each voter gets to vote his or her own mind, just as many times as their button-pushing fingers, their patience, and their persistence will allow.

So, one has to suspect that the demography of the voting population is substantially different from mine. They have to be a helluva lot younger, for one thing. Youth is a state of mind, you say, but try and keep up with current affairs in the music business! I find myself 5, 10, 15 years behind and the gap is widening. Perhaps the brain has a limited capacity for accommodating pop music as it ages or perhaps our clinging to our old favorites—damn old, at this point—limits the absorptive capacity for new additions. Or maybe a lot of what’s currently popular doesn’t suit us. Or maybe much of it is pure crap. We had pure crap back in my younger days, but none of it had to do with bitches, hoes, and cappin’ cops’ asses. (Remember “Surfer Bird” by the Trashmen? That was the 60s. How about the 50s? “Purple People Eater”? But I digress…)

We know one thing: David Archuleta is destined to prevail in this competition unless he fatally alienates his fan base, which is highly unlikely. It appears to this Turkey that David Cook and Carly Smithson with any hope of offering him a serious challenge, but I have to believe that those hopes are slim. However, anything can happen. I have proved regularly by my off-base predictions here that I don’t know what the hell I’m doing and I’m out of touch with the voters.

This week features Mariah Carey as “guest mentor.” In other words, she’s promoting her new album and her signature perfume. This is the blurb from the Idol web site:

After being a part of the highly successful Idol Gives Back show last week, international superstar Mariah Carey will be gracing the “Idol” stage once again this Wednesday (results night) to sing “Bye Bye,” the latest single from her new album, E=MC².

So, Syesha Mercado and Carly Smithson will have good chances to show off their pipes this week. So will the backup singers. I think Brooke White can probably do well, too, if she picks the right Mariah song. So can David Archuleta. It remains to be seen whether Jason Castro and David Cook can adapt this kind of commercial crap to their style.

And Kristy Lee Cook—dear Kristy—what will you do for Daddy this week? Choose well, you long-legged, fresh-faced baby girl, and keep this old Turkey happy for yet another week!

Looking is all I can do about it at my age! (Right, Artificially Sweetened?)

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The Idol wannabes performed on Tuesday, and save for a brilliant performance from David Archuleta, the 17 year-old who looks 13, it was a pretty mundane night.

Dolly Parton’s guest mentorship meant that we would be hearing naught but Dollysongs. Alas, one of those was also a Whitneysong, performances of which in the Whitney style typically cause both my Idol partner, the Redhead, and I, the Nittany Turkey, to blow chunks. Syesha Mercado did the dirty deed with I Will Always Love You, and we both threw up. (I haven’t emptied my vomit bucket yet, just in case she is voted off tonight and gets to sing it again.)

Anyway, in addition to Archuleta’s, credible performances by David Cook and Michael Johns secured the victory for the ballsful contingent. Of the guys, only Jason Castro, who must have been starstruck after Dolly fondled his dreds, actually sucked.

As for the ballsless squad, the stage was replete with a veritable miasma of assorted drek. Carly Smithson delivered the best the breastful ones could muster, but it was nothing close to a knockout punch. Little Ramiele Malubay with the great big voice and somewhat chubby legs looked a little more comfortable than she had been of late, but nothing about her number renewed my faith in her being around at the end. Brooke White sang in whiter shades of pale vanilla white. Non-memorable and bland. The only babe performance of note was horse-girl Kristy Lee Cook, she of the great altitude and fine, fine, superfine legs. They even looked good as she pranced around the stage barefoot. Yeah, I won’t mind keeping her around for another week. Oh yeah, she sang, too, and she does country pretty well. It’s her thing, you know.

So, upon about six seconds thought, one of the following three must go this week: Syesha, Brooke, or Ramiele, not necessarily in that order. A dark horse for odd man out would be Jason Castro, but this Turkey thinks his hair will keep the teen votes coming for at least another week.

Results tonight on Fox.

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Tonight, Dolly Parton is the guest singer on American Idol. I just can’t wait to hear Syesha singing country glitz, but Kristy Lee and Brooke should be right in their element. More interesting will be how David Cook manages to transform country to rock. This will be a week that rewards careful song selection and performing versatility, man.

Yet one more time, I don’t see Kristy going down this week. And you can take dat to da bank!

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On American Idol Tuesday night, the seventeen year-old who looks all of thirteen, David Archuleta, stole the show. He will have no problems advancing to the next round. Hell, even in a bad week he probably gets more votes than anyone else because he is king with the age 9-17 demographic. Carly Smithson, Ramiele Malubay, Syesha Mercado, and David Cook also turned in credible performances, not necessarily in that order.

Who were the duds? Well, I’ve mentioned six names, so there were five significantly subpar acts, from this Turkey’s standpoint. This is elimination day, so we’ll dwell on the negative for a bit. Kristy Lee Cook will be the goodbye girl this week. I said it last week and I am not giving up. Unlike Sanjaya last year, whom I kept eliminating week after week until the sense and reason of the voting public finally caught up with me, Kristy cannot possibly have a huge base of committed voters spurred on by Howard Stern. In fact, anyone with any sense of what comprises “star quality” would jump off Kristy’s sinking ship at this point no matter where they wore their socks. Yeah, only old farts like this Turkey, who wouldn’t mind seeing Kristy’s statuesque blondness hang around another few weeks would vote for her at this point. I really did like her sassiness telling Simon that she could knock his socks off any day and he knew it. Alas, I do not believe that she’ll be around another week to do any socks-knocking.

Brooke White better watch her ass, too. She looked silly in a bright yellow 1960’s go-go shift as she sang “Here Comes the Sun.” Simon was all too happy to point out that he could have predicted when he heard her song selection that she would come out in a yellow dress with yellow lighting. Sarcastic, but it hit the mark.

Chikezie, after being last week’s star, took a big chance and blew it this week. Admitting that he hadn’t ever picked up a harmonica until this week, he incorporated it into his performance. He’s getting a bit formulaic, starting slowly, changing gears, and then energizing his act. In this case, he threw in a harmonica solo just before the gear change when he should have backed off on the gas and double-clutched.

Michael Johns tried to take a big, long song in “A Day in the Life” and condense it to the requisite one-and-a-half minutes. It was a failure. He’s personable, he can sing, and he’s got a lot of fans, but he has to choose his material better. In this case, he said it was a departed friend’s favorite song.

Finally, Amanda Overmyer didn’t choose the right song, either, in “Back in the U.S.S.R.” She was one of my favorites for a while, but there is an inevitable sameness about everything she does now.

So, here’s to you, Kristy Lee Cook…I’ll miss those legs.

P.S.

On the judging front, Paula seemed actually lucid for the second time in a row. Simon was his usual acerbic self, but it was pretty much an off night. Fortunately, there was not very much fight picking between Seacrest and Cowell.