I’m completely bored with basketball. The way the NBA game is played today, there are too many play stoppages, too many TV time-outs, too much scoring, and too much reliance on the same people doing the same things all the time.
For me, it has become an annoying collection of whining multi-millionaire crybabies who work for a bunch of billionaire owners whose only concern is generating revenue. I don’t know how the league keeps on generating the money to make these big-shots happy. There must be enough people who are willing to pay the hefty freight to watch NBA basketball, but I’m sure as hell not one of them. I gave up my season tickets for the Orlando Magic seven years ago and have had no desire to watch more than a couple of games per season on TV ever since.
Watching on TV is even worse than attending a live game. For example, at least the Magic have the dancing babes to distract us during the innumerable stoppages in play there at the O-Rena. Watching TV, there is even less continuity. Instead of staring at gyrating female bodies in sequined sausage casings prancing around the hardwood while making certain that the players were being suitably coached, we get to watch commercials for beer, cars, and erectile dysfunction cures. Sure as hell disrupts any focus we had on the damn game.
But if basketball adopted rules like hockey, maybe I’d become interested again. Just stop and think: when was the last time you saw a good fight in a basketball game? If you’re scratching your head and thinking it was probably the Kermit Washington vs Rudy Tomjanovich fight in 1977, you see where I’m going with this. There’s a decent fight in just about any NHL hockey game, and the refs let them go at it just as long as it remains one-on-one, until someone hits the frozen deck. And in hockey, they have weapons other than their body parts. Sticks are used all the time to beat on people.
I’m tired of basketball games being scorefests. What the hell kind of score is 130-122? This is a ridiculous amount of scoring. If the position of goalie were added to a basketball team, we could cut down the damn scoring and make each point exciting, just like in hockey. The goalie would be at least 7’2″ tall and would stay within 10 feet of the net at each end of the court, and would play no offense, just defense. Thus, the goalie could be built like a gorilla, as he wouldn’t have to run 94 feet every 30 seconds. Guards would play mostly defense and forwards would play mostly offense. The center would just be another forward, but would have superior passing skills, so as to dish off the ball to his attacking wingmen.
How about limiting the time-outs? Instead of seven per half, make it just one. No TV time-outs. If the TV has to cut away for a stupid Miller Lite commercial just to piss me off, then so be it. Chances are, given that the goalie stays by the basket, I didn’t miss any scoring, anyway.
And fouls…what’s up wit dat? The damn whistle blows too often. Let’s have real penalties for real fouls. The universal equalizer will be two minutes in the sin bin and the team plays a man short for the duration of the offending player’s sentence. That’ll make a player think twice about that stupid shove. Of course, there will be special penalty rules about goalies, just to make sure the scoring is kept low. The only time an offensive player will get a free shot at the basket will be when a penalty shot is awarded for a defensive foul from behind on a break-away play. This will happen no more than a few times per team per season. Again, keep the scoring low.
With fewer time-outs, these guys are going to get tired, but in the NBA they’re a bunch of lazy bums, anyway. They’ll like the new rules, under which they will be able to “change on the fly.”
With the new time-out rules and without all the stupid tactical fouling at the end of a game, usually effected to prolong someone’s misery, we won’t be forced to spend 20 minutes watching the final minute of a game. Hell, most NBA games are so boring up until the last five minutes or so that we can generally skip the first 43 minutes and pick up the game in the waning minutes. Alas, tight games tend to slow to a snail’s pace for the final minute, so we’re stuck with an infinite series of staccato, two-second plays, quick fouls, whistles, commercials, missed free throws by Shaq, etc. Borrring!
That crap will go right out the window under the new rules. Games that are tight will be full, balls to the wall frenzy for the final two minutes. The goalie will come out so the losing team will be able to insert an extra forward. The refs will let them go at each other and will stop play only for egregious fouls, such as a defender pulling a gun. Instead of sinking into our seats for that interminable end-game strategy, we’ll be on the edge of our chairs.
So, David Stern, if you’re listening, whyncha have lunch with Gary Bettman and try to figure out how you can get this thing going. Maybe, just maybe, you can get me back.