I think I’m suffering from PTSD or something. Maybe it’s early-stage Penn State football withdrawal (don’t count on it to avert pregnancy). I dunno. I just haven’t felt like writing lately.
But today, I had a shitty day and I wrote about it — on Facebook. A friend saw my rant, and told me that I ought to write a blog. (Said friend obviously is not aware of the world-famous Nittany Turkey, and my connection to the phantom publication.) So, I feel obligated to republish it here because why should I deprive my readers of what they could be getting by trolling around on Facebook?
How to screw up a hiking day:
1. Wake up pissing and moaning about arthritis.
2. Just about drive Jennifer out of her mind so she wants to go do housework.
3. Finally convince her to go hiking with the old curmudgeon.
4. Decide to go to an area whose location I am “pretty sure” I know.
5. Get pulled over by an 18 year-old Oviedo cop who claimed he was following me for a long time and I was going 49 in a 35 zone when he really was sitting on the side of the road when I passed him going 45 in a 45 zone.
6. Realize that I had neglected to bring my wallet along with my driver’s license.
7. Thank the cop when he runs down the menu of offenses for which he could have written a citation, but says he’ll just cite me for failure to produce a license on demand (because he knew damn well I wasn’t speeding), so I get a $116 ticket instead of $280 plus 3 points, but he kept me waiting for 15 minutes so you gotta count the time, too.
8. Fail to find the area I was pretty sure I knew was where I didn’t think it wasn’t.
9. Decide while looping around to take Ft. Christmas Road (it’s the season, you know), and visit Orlando Wetlands Park for a hike. Yeah, that’s it.
10. Get there and find that Orlando Wetlands Park will reopen on February 1, 2013.
11. No problem. There’s a nice hiking trail through Seminole Ranch right across the street.
12. Problem: Jenny doesn’t like hiking through cow pastures. The first half mile is a cow pasture.
13. Jenny gets sleepy. She doesn’t want to hike anymore.
14. Ben proposes lunch at Black Hammock fish camp. Jenny agrees. She orders a hamburger with gator bites.
15. After eating the fried gator, Jenny spots one of the waitresses from the Lazy Gator bar bringing in a cute little baby gator and heading for the kitchen, thus ruining her lunch with visions of the poor little vile reptile being slaughtered at the behest of the redneck chef.
16. Well, at least I got to drink beer.
Given that the cop reduced my charge to the only thing for which he knew he could nail me and not be taken to task in court, what would he have done if I actually had produced my driver’s license?
So, there. I am now a blogger. Let’s move on.
So tell me, what do you all think about the Bielema move? Reader Joe sent me this mock dialog about it, which is pretty damn funny. Read it — although it is a little long and drags in parts, some of the lines are hilarious.
My thoughts: if Bielema can land an SEC job, more power to him. Can he coach an SEC team? Who knows. Do I care? Nope. If his name was Alvarez and he left Wisconsin, it would be a big deal, but this is Bret Bielema. Did I care when Saban left Moo U. for LSU? Nope. Why should I?
I guess we need something to talk about in the off-season, so coach firing-time is a good place to kick off the off-season bullshit.
Meanwhile, back at Camp Randall, Barry Alvarez is prepping his aging ass to make one more active sideline appearance as head coach — in Pasadena on New Year’s Day. Like all elder statesmen who served their time in the trenches and then elevated themselves above the fray (except for Barry Switzer), Alvarez is a man among men, and I like him. He’s a month younger than I, so what’s this “aging ass” shit? It will be great to see him on the sidelines coaching his Badgers in the Rose Bowl!
So, does anyone out there think that Northern Illinois stands a chance against FSU?
The trial of Tim Curley and Gary Schultz has been postponed indefinitely, reports the Altoona Mirror. The same article revealed that Jerry Sandusky has appealed the revocation of his $59,000 per year pension. He and his lawyers are trying to squeeze every last buck out of the Pennsylvania State Employee Retirement System.
Beginning in 2016, Penn State and Pitt will initiate a series that has been extended for two more games. Thus, someone who went into a coma in 1983 could wake up, find Penn State playing Pitt, Nebraska, Rutgers, and Maryland again, and not feel that he missed much of anything. Read the story by Nate Mink in StateCollege.com.
And finally, speaking of Barry Alvarez, he has piped up about the Big Ten expansion, stating that the B1G feared that PSU would consider moving to another conference if the league didn’t expand to include Maryland and Rutgers. Seems to me that if the B1G starts watering down the conference with Big East and ACC cast-offs, Penn State might well still want to bolt. What about yinz folks? Whattya t’ink? Read the ESPN story and discuss!
Thanks again to my research staff, reader Joe, for the two contributions above. (And no, I’m not in hibernation, just — aw, well, I explained it in my opening paragraph!)