The Golden Flashers and the Mighty Lions
Our favorite whipping boys from Kent State (1-1) travel to Beaver Field at Paterno-Engle-Higgins (sponsored by PENNDOT) Stadium at high noon ET on Saturday to face our favorite mudders, the #11 Nittany Lions (2-0).
After losing to B1G bottom feeder in the opener (at Urbana-Champaign), the Flashers are coming off a confidence inspiring, 54-14 blowout win over FCS Howard (0-2). You know what the Lions did last week, beating a sorry instance of our former cross-state rivals at Pitt, 51-6.
What do we know about the Golden Showers? Well, they suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! So I won’t be writing much this week, as I can offer scant few insights about Penn State’s team after last week’s game. I don’t need to do any heavy lifting to analyze Kent State, either. My IS rating (IS = It Sucks) should suffice.
Nevertheless, it is always a good thing to kick an Ohio team’s ass. Any Ohio team.
I can throw out some hack sportswriter lingo like “Final tune-up before the B1G schedule commences.” But I won’t. You all know that this game is meaningless. Our guys are not disciplined enough to treat it like they’re playing tOSU, even though that’s what James Franklin would like them to do. (“Every week is our Super Bowl.”) So, they’ll likely squander this opportunity by making more mistakes not in the interest of learning but instead doing dumbass stuff that arises out of disinterest.
After all, it’s a noon start. You and I have seen it over and over again. Still suspended Urban Meyer applied it to his team a few years ago. Discussing noon starts, he described “That dullard look on the team’s faces coming out of the tunnel.” Yeah, we’ve all see our share of that. So don’t expect miracles or perfection or very satisfying football.
There’s also the issue of playing down to the perceived level of the opponent. The crappier the opponent, the crappier the overall play.
So, with a two-year old’s birthday party later in the day, and an engagement in the morning prior to the game, I’m barely able to fit this worthless game into my intense training schedule. We all know it will be another sloppy, semi-satisfying blowout, don’t we?
Did you hear that Joey Porter’s son Joey Porter, Jr. committed to Penn State? Talk among yourselves. Discuss.
But I digress…
OK, I’m distracted and I can’t really get into this game. Did you see how the Steelers played down to the competition on Sunday? They suuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked. Big Ben was intercepted three times and the game wound up in a rare tie. The 21-21 final score was appropriate. No one deserved to win.
Oops, another digression.
The outcome will partially depend on how Hurricane Florence gyrates. Right now, there isn’t much rain in the forecast. However, some Beaver Field parking lots have been closed due to lots of the same rain that sloshed the Pitt game. The field usually fares well due to excellent drainage and a crack team of groundskeepers, but be wary.
The Golden Flashers’ running back committee has been eating up a lot of yards against the likes of the Illiniweks and the Howardians (I’m too lazy to look up their mascot). Does that stop with the staunch PSU front seven? Holding the Flashers to a respectable yardage total on the ground would be one pleasant outcome from this expected blowout.
Kent state does the tempo thing. That ought to bring some backup linemen and backers out of the woodwork. Perhaps we’ll see some talent in the raw.
What else can we get out of this game? Well, the mimosas at Mike’s Garage will be tasty, and cold, very cold; the sliced onions will be badass; and the bullshit will be flowing free, as always. What could be better?
I’ll tell you what could be better! Error-free play. I demand it. Big Al said they’d play well for two games after a close win over App State. I’ll give them a pass on perfection in the Pitt game because of the weather. They put a lot of points on the board in that game, and they better do it again this week. Only they better play a game that won’t aggravate me prior to the kid party.
The key is lots of three-and-outs so the up-tempo offense of the Golden Wazoos won’t wear out Penn State’s developing but still fragile defense. One way or the other, it will be a blowout and the only thing to be determined is how blowy and how far out.
Da Bottom Line
This is where I supply my disinterested Official Turkey Poop Prediction for the week’s game. Many of you skip the drivel and scroll right down here. That’s probably advisable. I’m not full of myself like other writers. I’m full of shit, and I admit it. But I hope I’m at least mildly entertaining.
Now, let’s look at what the gamblers have done to the lines. As expected, the Lions are favored by a wide margin — oy! five touchdowns, already! At the moment, the line is Penn State minus 35 points, with an over/under of 65. Them’s some nice, round numbers, which suggest a final outcome of 50-15 in Penn State’s favor. I’m thinking the Nittany Lions might stumble out of the gate and let the Golden Showers score first, after which they’ll wake up from their reveries and begin to play. After making a couple of mistakes in the first half, they’ll come out of the locker room and pile it on. Penn State 63, Kent State 10. Take the overrrrrrrrrrrr. (You don’t really want to gamble on this, do you?)
I’ll be back after the game if this headache goes away.