The Nittany Turkey

Primarily about Penn State football, this is a tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

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Game Brain

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Just read an interesting article in GQ about the effect of repetitive trauma on the human brain, specifically in the context of football players. One pathologist in the medical examiner’s office in Pittsburgh decided to dig deeper when autopsying former Steelers center Mike Webster, who had gone from the top of the heap to the depths of despair and finally, to an early grave. His findings are astounding, as is the NFL’s attitude toward them.

You can find it here.

Thanks to zbeard for the pointer.

What if basketball were played like hockey?

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I’m completely bored with basketball, but I often read this article to keep my interest fresh. The way the NBA game is played today, there are too many play stoppages, too many TV time-outs, too much scoring, and too much reliance on the same people doing the same things all the time.

For me, it has become an annoying collection of whining multi-millionaire crybabies who work for a bunch of billionaire owners whose only concern is generating revenue. I don’t know how the league keeps on generating the money to make these big-shots happy. There must be enough people who are willing to pay the hefty freight to watch NBA basketball, but I’m sure as hell not one of them. I gave up my season tickets for the Orlando Magic seven years ago and have had no desire to watch more than a couple of games per season on TV ever since.

Watching on TV is even worse than attending a live game. For example, at least the Magic have the dancing babes to distract us during the innumerable stoppages in play there at the O-Rena. ??? 1xbet Watching TV, there is even less continuity. Instead of staring at gyrating female bodies in sequined sausage casings prancing around the hardwood while making certain that the players were being suitably coached, we get to watch commercials for beer, cars, and erectile dysfunction cures. Sure as hell disrupts any focus we had on the damn game but at the same time we learnt a lot about mens health products, so it was a win-win situation. But if I ever had to choose between the TV and the Arena, I’m sure my answer is going to be the ” Arena” every single time.

But if basketball adopted rules like hockey, maybe I’d become interested again. Just stop and think: when was the last time you saw a good fight in a basketball game? If you’re scratching your head and thinking it was probably the Kermit Washington vs Rudy Tomjanovich fight in 1977, you see where I’m going with this. There’s a decent fight in just about any NHL hockey game, and the refs let them go at it just as long as it remains one-on-one, until someone hits the frozen deck. And in hockey, they have weapons other than their body parts. Sticks are used all the time to beat on people.

I’m tired of basketball games being scorefests. What the hell kind of score is 130-122? This is a ridiculous amount of scoring. If the position of goalie were added to a basketball team, we could cut down the damn scoring and make each point exciting, just like in hockey. The goalie would be at least 7’2″ tall and would stay within 10 feet of the net at each end of the court, and would play no offense, just defense. Thus, the goalie could be built like a gorilla, as he wouldn’t have to run 94 feet every 30 seconds. Guards would play mostly defense and forwards would play mostly offense. The center would just be another forward, but would have superior passing skills, so as to dish off the ball to his attacking wingmen.

How about limiting the time-outs? Instead of seven per half, make it just one. No TV time-outs. If the TV has to cut away for a stupid Miller Lite commercial just to piss me off, then so be it. Chances are, given that the goalie stays by the basket, I didn’t miss any scoring, anyway.

And fouls…what’s up wit dat? The damn whistle blows too often. Let’s have real penalties for real fouls. The universal equalizer will be two minutes in the sin bin and the team plays a man short for the duration of the offending player’s sentence. That’ll make a player think twice about that stupid shove. Of course, there will be special penalty rules about goalies, just to make sure the scoring is kept low. The only time an offensive player will get a free shot at the basket will be when a penalty shot is awarded for a defensive foul from behind on a break-away play. This will happen no more than a few times per team per season. Again, keep the scoring low.

With fewer time-outs, these guys are going to get tired, but in the NBA they’re a bunch of lazy bums, anyway. They’ll like the new rules, under which they will be able to “change on the fly.”

With the new time-out rules and without all the stupid tactical fouling at the end of a game, usually effected to prolong someone’s misery, we won’t be forced to spend 20 minutes watching the final minute of a game. Hell, most NBA games are so boring up until the last five minutes or so that we can generally skip the first 43 minutes and pick up the game in the waning minutes. Alas, tight games tend to slow to a snail’s pace for the final minute, so we’re stuck with an infinite series of staccato, two-second plays, quick fouls, whistles, commercials, missed free throws by Shaq, etc. Borrring!

That crap will go right out the window under the new rules. Games that are tight will be full, balls to the wall frenzy for the final two minutes. The goalie will come out so the losing team will be able to insert an extra forward. ???? ??????? The refs will let them go at each other and will stop play only for egregious fouls, such as a defender pulling a gun. Instead of sinking into our seats for that interminable end-game strategy, we’ll be on the edge of our chairs.

So, David Stern, if you’re listening, whyncha have lunch with Gary Bettman and try to figure out how you can get this thing going. Maybe, just maybe, you can get me back. ???? ????? ???????

Lions Land in Citrus Bowl, As Expected

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The Nittany Turkey is proud to be last on the scene once again as he reports that Penn State will play LSU in the Capital One Bowl on January 1. By this time, most of you have already bought your tickets and made your travel plans. That is good, so I won’t have to apologize for my late delivery of the news we pretty much knew all along. ????? ??? ????

The good old BCS hyped the Penn State vs Iowa who-gets-in? hubbub all the way to the end by keeping lips sealed about the damn thing. Ultimately, however, justice prevailed, sending Iowa to the Orange Bowl and leaving Penn State out. That’s good, because I have to believe that the Nittany Lions would have had trouble with the 1968 offense of the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets. Not good for the administration, who are crying in their pabulum about losing all that moolah.

Nevertheless, this Turkey thinks that things settled out pretty well. Alabama and Texas will play each other to decide the Still Somewhat Mythical So-Called National Championship (SSMSCNC), while Gator Nation wonders whether they should trade a draft pick to the Minnesota Vikings for Percy Harvin.

Now, don’t you all feel silly for having wasted your time speculating about possible bowl berths for endless hours for the last few weeks? Did any of your ruminations, machinations, and masturbation change anything? ???? ??? ???? ?????

Now that match-ups have been decided and bids are out, I think I’ll have to do some bowl predictions here as this month progresses. How else are you going to figure out whom to bet on? You could go to some of the less facetious, unsarcastic sources on the Internet, or you could throw darts at a labeled dartboard bought from 1 Hattrick, but you will not find the Turkey’s words anywhere but here. When you rely on those other sources, you receive no compassion when you lose. ??? ???? ??? ???? Not so, the Turkey. Being so used to making incorrect predictions had mellowed me out. When you lose with my predictions, I’ll give you the full benefit of my sympathy. In advance.

Just when are the media going to shift from counting how many women Tiger Woods has slept with to how many women he hasn’t slept with? I’m going to have to ask Jenny if he’s been there. Maybe we can figure out a way to get some of his money.

Of course, Nero fiddles with Tiger Woods and his peccadilloes while Rome burns. And boy, is Rome burning. While we idiots spend all this time and column space worrying about who Tiger screwed and who will win which inconsequential bowl game, Washington and the world are conspiring against our freedom. The misguided liberals are about to get what they’ve wanted all along. So don’t get caught up in this bowl crap and in Tiger Woods’ babewise trophy case. Devote that energy to thwarting something that will screw all of us if we let it happen.

Global warming is a fraud. (Or are we supposed to call it “climate change” now, because it could never explain why the planet was actually cooling with anything more than a hand wave.) Who knew? Certainly not Al Gore — it would endanger his book proceeds and carbon offset profits. But everybody in Copenhagen knows about that. The deal there is that the tin pots of the world will suck out big bucks from the US and the rest of the civilized, prosperous world. We’ll wind up sucking hind tit.

I’m thinking that health care reform will cost us more money than we have. Our friends in congress are salivating over controlling 18% of the U.S. economy. One senate schmuck even wrote an amendment that establishes control of insurance companies’ CEO salaries. How the hell do we let this government grab of private enterprise happen? Wake up, people!

Now that I’ve confused you by injecting my impertinent opinions on hot-button current events issues, I’ll return to the subject at hand. I intend to look further into the Penn State vs. LSU situation as the month progresses, assuming that too many other activities don’t get in the way. You never know this time of year. We could have a Tiger Woods emergency or something. LSU doesn’t have much of an offense, so Penn State has a chance to make a statement that a third-rate Big Ten team can beat a third-rate SEC team. Oy, such a statement!

I’ve got to get ready for lunch now.